To not go on this holiday?

Defo don’t go, for all the reasons others have said. Life’s too short, and paying for a holiday, taking annual leave etc to then have a shit time when you know that’s the likely reality, is just crazy. BIL sounds like an arse and best avoided. Make sure you get your money back though!

How was this arranged? As in they don't really get on so a holiday was always going to be an awful idea

It sounds like if you all went on holiday together there might be some almighty rows that would destroy the relationship fully.

Even if they hadn’t already been rowing, a shared holiday with children that age is tricky as there is a high chance of broken sleep, different nap schedules, different views on food etc and extra rattiness from everyone as a result.

So YANBU. It’s in everyone’s best interests not to go together.

I’d be saying you either return the money now or we will be coming as it’s paid for. What’s to stop him uninviting you, having the holiday and not returning the money?

I definitely would not go, even if re-invited. Holidays are meant to be relaxing, not being on high alert waiting for the next strop.

@ReginaPhalang3

Well, when someone tells you that they'll get you your money back but they're 'not sure when', in my experience they're pretty much telling you to go whistle for it. And I agree with a PP that if you do receive some last minute invite the brother will probably use a refusal as an excuse not to return the money. I think if you want the money back, you'll have to chase it. Only you and DH know if the amount of money is really worth the hassle.

I don't think I'd feel like putting in much effort to 'salvage' the brothers' relationship. Seems to me it's more hassle and headache than it's worth. 'Family connections' aren't really 'connected' if the people involved don't/can't get along, are they? IMHO trying to force things 'because they're fahhhmmmiilly' generally makes things worse. Back away, let things go. Either the relationship will recover on its own or it will fade away.

Book a holiday just for you as a family. Have you paid anything for the holiday with in laws? If so ask for reimbursement if they don't want you there.

You can choose your friends but not your family...let tweedle dee and tweedle dum work it out themselves and book your own holidays in future.

It's not at all clear the brother would re-invite you, so you may be worrying over nothing.
If he were to do so you'd be free to say you're not sure this would work, but could perhaps think of a less intense / stressful way to stay in touch.

I agree with other's I would not go now even if begged as it would not be an eviroment I would want my kids in plus I really wouldn't want to spend my holiday time playing peace keeper.

It dose sound like from your post that every one tip toes around the brother so as not to annoy him and cause conflict.....when conflict is clearly what the brother is looking for, a reaction from ur DH.

Clearly there isn't any love loss between the two brothers so unless the two brothers are willing to sit down like adults and clear the air I would 100% stay out of this and allow the chips to fall as they may.

Get ur money back and do something nice with your family and leave the brother and his family alone.

If the brother is as big an arse as he sounds and he does re-invite, he'd see turning him down as your choice to forfeit the money.
As another poster mentioned, its best to say you'd made different arrangements on those days as they told you you couldn't go and so sorry you need the money back instead.

Never try and force a relationship that's not there (no matter how well intentioned by your DH and you), it will only bring you more frustration and heartache x

Book another holiday for yourselves to save any bad feeling if, in fact, you are reinvited. Didn't think you would be going so made other arrangements!

You should definitely not go on this holiday, it sounds very risky. The only reason to try for these relationships to work is so that the children can have the benefit of knowing their cousins as they get older. That is a nice thing but sounds as though it would come at too high a price. Probably best steer clear of them altogether and DH can go and see his brother on his own if he wants. We are only hearing one side, naturally, but based on what you have said they sound pretty awful and you would have a more enjoyable holiday without them. I put up with parents in law I couldn't really stand for many years, because I wanted my kids to see their grandparents. Fortunately they lived far away so we only went to stay at Christmas time and the odd week over the rest of the year.

I don't think it would be fair on any of the children, and would not like this tension and bad feeling around such little ones. I would suggest an adult dinner to talk things through perhaps.

How on earth did you conclude that? The two brothers have an ongoing feud. The brother invited them then uninvited them. OP is simply asking if it would be reasonable to say no if he invites them again. All the drama is coming from her husband and BIL.

Take the milk ney back.amf book yourself to go somewhere different. Don't agree to go together again. Maybe going forward it would be best for your DH and his brother to just meet up for a quick drink together then both go home. That would cool tensions.

Please don't go even if they ask you to go. There will only end up having another falling out and their relationship could become irreparable. You can still all see each other occasionally and have a good relationship. I get on great with my sister but I'd never ever go on holidays with her and same with my in-laws .

I think her H should

what kind of an example are these two setting their children?

i think it for the best that they keep apart

It's absolutely nuts to go on holiday with anyone you have an obviously fraught relationship with. If your husband and his brother can't spend a day together without tension, why on earth would you spend a week with them?!

I know you say that you want to preserve their relationship as brothers, but honestly? There's no need for that. They don't need to be friends. Being genetically related doesn't mean you automatically have to get along.

It's nice, obviously, to have a relationship that's at least easy and civil - but the way to achieve that for people who don't naturally get along is to keep it light and distant. Having days out together and going on holidays and trying to get the kids together is absolutely not going to make things better - it will simply make things worse.

My sister and I are very different people. I love her and I'd be there for her in any hour of need, but I rarely see her other than at family occasions, when we hug and chat and have a laugh, and it's (usually!) nice. But if we were having family days out together and going on holiday, it would absolutely destroy our relationship - we'd probably end up killing each other!

I wouldn't have agreed to go this time in the first place as you said the last holiday wasn't great because of BIL being in a bad mood and the incident with the event you had booked.
You don't have to go on holiday with them for the two brothers to maintain a relationship with each other. Holidays exacerbate tensions which are already there so it's just going to lead to bad feeling.
No more holidays with them ever. Simplest solution.

Definitely don't go and never plan holidays with people you don't get on with, if there is anything that's going to permanently destroy a fragile relationship it's going on holiday together.

Maybe overly convoluted but I'd be tempted to make some other plans for those dates. Then if they do invite you along, you can say thank you, but now we can't (rather than won't). Maybe arrange to see them one day soon instead.

A face-saving third way out can smooth things over.

I don't get on well with one of my sister's. My youngest and her eldest are the same age, we parent differently. We have done a few days out together but the only way to make it work is to compromise. For the sake of my children I can do this for a daytrip but wouldn't for a holiday. This is why when my mum suggests a family holiday I politely decline, they just run off totally different timings and I don't want to waste precious time off and money waiting around for others only for them to do their own thing anyway. I know it sounds harsh but it's just how I feel.

If they didn't get on well pre kids, post kids they likely won't either. You can't facilitate a relationship that just isn't there. I'd focus on your nuclear family as that is what is most important. When ready perhaps the brothers could reach out and spend some time one on one but that shouldn't be pressured. If they want to work on their relationship then they have to take the onus to work on it themselves.