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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How to discourage this man?

34 replies

Iknowaguywhostoughbutsweet · 24/06/2024 09:22

It's someone I work with, I sense he may be interested, but I'm not.
I'm normally the type to just say 'im sorry but I'm not interested ' but he hasn't asked me out/said he likes me so he could easily turn round and say 'Oh I only wanted to be friends.'

We have nothing in common, we've both been to 1 or 2 of the same countries, that's it. I mean we don't have any similar interests.
He knows nothing about me, apart from my age. He's never asked anything about my background, interests etc.
He asked me once where I live, then forgot and asked the next day.

It's not even like we're having really interesting or fun conversations, it's just small talk but he keeps forcing it. And I can't cope with the constant use of was instead of were 'What was you gonna do' and the use of your instead of you're.

He went on holiday and sent me a picture of his feet to show me sunburn? Like why on earth did I need to see a pic of his feet, I barely know the guy.

This is my fault because I started chatting to him on the basis of friendship, but I've clearly given the wrong impression. I've also noticed his closest friends at the office are women with long blonde hair under 25, and he's 40.

He hasn't done anything wrong and I know I'm being harsh, I just don't see the point of this constant inane, forced chat on WhatsApp.

I don't like slow fading, I wouldn't like it done to me. What to do?

OP posts:
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Haveyouanyjam · 26/06/2024 20:03

The nice girl conditioning of our patriarchal society probably, I wouldn’t give it a second thought!

Iknowaguywhostoughbutsweet · 26/06/2024 16:26

I politely shut down the text convo, he came over at work to chat to me today and I was polite but didn't engage too much. I'm fairly sure I overheard someone saying he's been doing it with a few women, wouldn't surprise me.
I do feel bad, I don't want to let him down, I don't know why.

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 24/06/2024 10:43

Haveyouanyjam · 24/06/2024 09:54

Only a suggestion if she doesn’t want to completely ignore. I have never given my personal number out to work colleagues aside from either line management responsibilities or when we have fully become friends. I have no issues being considered impolite and would totally ignore this ridiculous behaviour, but am aware others are not as uncaring about what others think! Ha

Me too. I find posts like this quaint because none of the women in my family would pander to dipshits like this and I forget sometimes that other women still have the ‘be polite’ chip embedded.

My rule of thumb is if a random man is causing you any degree of angst to work with, you need to take control. And what that looks like depends on what the power dynamic is and how much it could have repercussions for you.

I think in this scenario, not answering WhatsApp messages which are not work related and inappropriate is the very least you can do. I also think stop being friendly. You can be professional and civil but stop the smiley chit chat. Basic replies only. Deny any accusations of being unfriendly/cold because you do not have to justify yourself to him or anyone else. Just cut him off as much is as appropriate in a work setting.

scrapsontheside · 24/06/2024 10:32

Mute him on WhatsApp (1 week etc) then you're not changing your WhatsApp,so you're actual friends know if you have read something or not . Or just be blunt you don't "owe" him anything .
Just seen her got your number from a group chat , that's overstepping boundaries, be blunt if he doesn't take the hint screenshots to your manager or HR , it's inappropriate of him.
Edited for typos

Haveyouanyjam · 24/06/2024 10:18

Iknowaguywhostoughbutsweet · 24/06/2024 10:09

With regard to my personal number, I didn't give it to him, he got it from a group chat as our workplace did a kind of group sports session so we were all organising it on a group chat.

Oh no, so he’s taken it from a different group and just messaged you? No. I’d really just not reply then, that’s not okay.

GrumpyOldCrone · 24/06/2024 10:17

Iknowaguywhostoughbutsweet · 24/06/2024 10:09

With regard to my personal number, I didn't give it to him, he got it from a group chat as our workplace did a kind of group sports session so we were all organising it on a group chat.

Then he crossed a line there too.

He is a textbook creep. Shut him down. If you get any pushback at all, go straight to your manager.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 24/06/2024 10:12

Durdledore · 24/06/2024 09:35

‘I heard you ghosted Paul’
’Erm yeah, he sent me pictures of his sunburnt feet?!’
’Ahhh, say no more’

Edited

Yep!

Iknowaguywhostoughbutsweet · 24/06/2024 10:09

With regard to my personal number, I didn't give it to him, he got it from a group chat as our workplace did a kind of group sports session so we were all organising it on a group chat.

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 24/06/2024 09:59

I think you should just stop replying.

I had a very similar situation recently, a friend of a friend who ended up adding me on insta. I was in the same boat in that he didn't specifically ask me out at first so I didn't feel I had the opportunity to say I'm not interested.

In the interest of not wanting to be rude, I replied to him, but gave very short, closed responses. He didn't get the hint and kept trying to strike up conversation, before eventually asking if I wanted to hang out. He got the message after I declined this offer.

You could try the slow fade but some men seem to interpret any response as interest! Even short, disinterested replies seem to encourage them, 'cos they may end up thinking "maybe she's just bad at messaging, I should still go for it".

Haveyouanyjam · 24/06/2024 09:54

BIWI · 24/06/2024 09:40

No! That will only encourage him to think that he's in a conversation with the OP.

Do not engage at all. And delete him from your contacts/WhatsApp group.

Only a suggestion if she doesn’t want to completely ignore. I have never given my personal number out to work colleagues aside from either line management responsibilities or when we have fully become friends. I have no issues being considered impolite and would totally ignore this ridiculous behaviour, but am aware others are not as uncaring about what others think! Ha

GrumpyOldCrone · 24/06/2024 09:54

If he sends you a Teams message about anything other than work, talk to your manager about the situation. It really isn’t appropriate and needs to be dealt with.

Skyrainlight · 24/06/2024 09:50

I would put him on mute and reply after long delays and only very occasionally if he keeps sending messages. That way you aren't ghosting, but you are too busy and hopefully he will find someone else with whom he can engage.

GrumpyOldCrone · 24/06/2024 09:49

He has crossed a line. He knows he has crossed a line. He is testing your boundaries.

If you continue to engage with him he will attempt to cross further lines, while maintaining plausible deniability.

This is not a person who deserves your kindness. His behaviour is unwelcome and unprofessional. If I were you I’d block him.

KitKatChunki · 24/06/2024 09:43

Do you see him often? Can you say you now have a boyfriend? IME men like this dissipate like vapour at that point

Bordersgarage · 24/06/2024 09:41

You don’t like the slow fade but it has its uses. In fact, I’m not sure I’d even be slow about it. Just stop replying.

GodspeedJune · 24/06/2024 09:41

Just ignore his messages. Block him or at least archive him so you don’t see them coming in. You’ll need to be blunt for him to get the message.

Iknowaguywhostoughbutsweet · 24/06/2024 09:40

I think I'll be able to do it :)
Thank you

OP posts:
BIWI · 24/06/2024 09:40

Haveyouanyjam · 24/06/2024 09:38

Agree with the slow fade. I find putting a thumbs up to a message an effective way to end a conversation without totally ignoring someone. Not to a picture of sunburnt feet of course. Give a brief perfunctory reply to any question, don’t ask any in return and use the thumbs up for any statements.

No! That will only encourage him to think that he's in a conversation with the OP.

Do not engage at all. And delete him from your contacts/WhatsApp group.

Haveyouanyjam · 24/06/2024 09:38

Agree with the slow fade. I find putting a thumbs up to a message an effective way to end a conversation without totally ignoring someone. Not to a picture of sunburnt feet of course. Give a brief perfunctory reply to any question, don’t ask any in return and use the thumbs up for any statements.

FuzzyStripes · 24/06/2024 09:37

This is the exact scenario when a slow fade should be used if you aren’t prepared to be blunt and say you aren’t interested in conversing anymore.

Durdledore · 24/06/2024 09:35

‘I heard you ghosted Paul’
’Erm yeah, he sent me pictures of his sunburnt feet?!’
’Ahhh, say no more’

Iknowaguywhostoughbutsweet · 24/06/2024 09:33

You know what, yes you're right. Why am I so worried about not seeming 'kind'. This is what women are conditioned to believe.

OP posts:
Iknowaguywhostoughbutsweet · 24/06/2024 09:33

BIWI · 24/06/2024 09:30

So what if he tells people you've ghosted him?! Don't #BeKind. You have no obligation to encourage this at all, if it's not what you want.

Did you take him up on the picture of his feet? You should have made it very clear that it was inappropriate and unwanted.

I just ignored it, it just came completely out of nowhere.
I'd actually shut down the convo a week prior and thought that was it, then out of nowhere, here's a picture of my sunburnt feet!

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 24/06/2024 09:32

Personally I think a slow fade as you’ve described it is perfect for this situation. Take longer to reply, don’t ask him any questions, just distance yourself more.

OnionPond · 24/06/2024 09:32

Iknowaguywhostoughbutsweet · 24/06/2024 09:27

I may have to, just fear it'll be awkward at work. He might tell people I 'ghosted' him etc.

So what, though? He’s a semi-literate bore who sends you photos of his sunburnt feet.