To miss my child

You've gone from having one child for a very long time to two. It's a big change for anyone. It's an especially big change for your eldest who has been an only child for a long time. She's going through a period of lots of change and whilst she doesn't need you in the way that baby does she needs you emotionally. You have a partner this time around. I hope your partner is doing their share of care for the baby giving you time with your eldest.

My ds was a surprise and I found the age gap between him and dd1 gruelling. I didn't get to enjoy him as much as his sisters as a baby. When I had dd2 and my other two were at school, I could take the time to just revel in being a mum to her and felt a deep sense of regret that I hadn't with ds. I shared that with my dh who said that I should accept that time for what it was, that there was still loads of time spent with ds and that I shouldn't feel guilty for not being able to just focus solely on him as dd1 was a baby too. Instead I should focus on the fact that ds and I have a great relationship and I make sure to carve out time for all 3 kids on their own really well.

What I'm trying to say is focus on the here and now with your dd1.

Surely you can leave the baby with your partner for an hour or two and go and spend that time with your daughter?

I think it's so important that she gets time with just you.

Spend time with her NOW.

Carve out at least 30 mins per day just you and her in her room chatting. Also trips out every other weekend or once a month, just you and her.
In 10 years you'll be wishing you'd spent more time with her at this wonderful age.
Also, she clearly still loves spending time with you, that might not last forever. Grasp it with both hands and forge a beautiful relationship with your soon to be teenager.

OP you sound to me like a really caring and thoughtful person and a good mum.
You are enjoying your daughter and wished you felt calm and able to enjoy every minute when she was a baby.

I totally get what you feel right now and feel identified. I struggled when mine were young and I am loving this stage so much I wished they were small again. I wish things were different for me but look, sometimes life is not perfect. Mine loved the lockdown too as it was the start of WFH for me, I'm very grateful for that.

Wishing you all the best with your DD and DS. The most important thing is to be able to live in the present. You are doing great x

She isn’t a teen, she is 12.

Great post, I agree with you, it sounds like the poor child’s life has been turned upside down and her feelings need to be the priority for OP.

The vitriol poured on the poster, @Hermittrismegistus, is unnecessary. She made her point and none of us can deny the likely impact on a ten year old of a new man in her home followed by a new baby all within two years.

She has been harsh, true; but may have very good reasons for expressing this as she did. A lot of posters have personal experience of being that child or knowing a child in those circumstances.

OP may have known her partner longer but the child has only known him two years. Added to which she is going through puberty and probably changed schools. OP has told us that the child has confided in a friend's mother that she was sad that she spent less time with her mother. She has also said that to her mother that she was happiest just the two of them. She is suffering.

OP is concerned about this but the OP's post is written more about how sad the OP is now that her "baby girl" has grown up than about what it must be like for the twelve year old. And the child will realise this.

It's not unusual for twelve year olds to hate being twelve. Too old to be a child any more and too young to be an adult. It's often a traumatic time. And teens need to be able to kick off at home sometimes to test out this new person they are becoming. It's unusual that OP's DD does not. (And where is the new man in all this?)

Some posters have given good practical suggestions which the OP could implement to help her child feel special, loved and a number one priority. And to help her navigate this difficult time. She needs to celebrate being "grown up" with her , not communicate that she misses the "little girl" that her child no longer is.

Just so you know, AbFab DC has now left school but DH and I were out on Saturday morning, along with eleventy billion toddler families. We were very much looking back at those years of around 3 years old and how wonderful that age is. You are entitled to look back at those years with fondness and look forward to going through them again. Tell DD that.

As for now, a bit of time, strong boundaries, communication, support and unboundless love will see you through.

This is a ridiculous comment. She met the man 5 years ago so presumably waited 3 years to introduce him to her child.. which is more than enough..
She's having a baby with someone she's been with for 5 years.
This is pretty normal.

Anyway OP I just wanted to say I really feel for you. I had PND after the birth of my eldest. I know how the guilt can haunt you. My son is such a lovely boy and he didn't deserve the Shell of a mother he had for those first years.
I've had two further children since and actually they have only strengthened my relationship with my eldest in the end. Its been very healing in fact. There's a 9 year gap between him and my youngest but he has such a special bond with her.
I felt a bit like you after the birth of my second in that I did not suffer from PND that time around which was great.. however it drove home what my son had missed out on and I had a hard time with the guilt.. I didn't quite realise how ill I'd been until I experienced having a baby without the depression.. and then I experienced I kind of grief for my baby son. It's hard.
But like I said overall his siblings have brought us all much joy. It's just a transition. The new situation and everyone's place in the family takes time to get used to. But you ahd your daughters relationship will most likely strengthen if you include her.

I agree that her world has been turned upside down and although there may be positives somewhere, at its core this will be an experience of loss. Loss of the relationship as it was and therefore loss of sense of self as it was.

She is at very vulnerable age and now is the time to pour as much time, energy and love into her so that the hole is filled by you and not someone/something unhealthy as she enters teen years.

@theprincessthepea a few things!

1. It's normal. I miss my older kids when they were younger ages too. I'd love a weekend back when they were certain little ages. This is probably amplified for you as you have another little one
2. She's still SO little and has had MASSIVE changes. A new relationship for you, new sibling, going from an only to a big sister. It's massive for her.
3. She needs you. A non-distracted you. I have a larger family and it's hard but I do something with the older kids once a week without littles and then I try to do one to one every other week. I also try to do things at home like painting, film night, walks, etc so they have regular time to talk, connect etc. Do what you can do make sure she doesn't lose her time with you, she needs you now probably more than ever to help the transition and also probably before those teen years kick in!

You also have not contributed anything to the conversation on OP's post... Just judgement

Some people have given good advice for your situation - carve out a little time. I’d also involve her too. I was 12 when my mother remarried, 2.5 years on a baby arrived. I adored him then and now. Being an only child means of course it’s an adjustment but that would be the same if the babies dad was her bio dad too given the age gap. Covid was an odd time where you spent much more time together than is usual so will of course also had impact (baby or not). Asking her what she’d love to do on a you and her evening (dad can look after baby). Also emphasising and letting her know you miss that time a bit too perhaps. Hang in there - plenty of step families out there that have coped perfectly well with some adjustments and just getting on with it.

Let's have some examples of this 'copious research'

Links please.

How is it rubbish that a child's mother introducing a man to a ten year old, forcing her to live with this stranger (presumably) and then having a baby with him in the space of two years is extremely likely to have a very negative impact on her? You'd be hard pushed to find any research that states this is likely to be beneficial for this child. It's the most dangerous risk you can expose a child of that age to and - even if they are lucky enough to be physically safe - is highly likely to be emotionally damaging. You don't have to have a psychology degree: you can just go and read the copious research on the topic published by those who do have one, rather than accusing people of being "judgemental" for making evidenced points that would be well known to any parent who put their children's welfare first in their decision making because they'd already have looked this up in order to make an informed choice before doing the above.

I know you were mainly asking about how you feel, but I'd think it important to think more about how she feels. Any 12 year old will have a sense of change with (her peers if not her herself yet) going through puberty, starting secondary school and so on. I know mine went through a time of being almost nostalgic for their younger selves, one veered between playing with her teddies again for the first time since she was 6-7 and then experimenting with makeup. It's a confusing time. And your DD has had other significant changes in her life. Lockdown was a time of certainty - just you and her, and she was only 8-10 years old, so firmly in her childhood still.

As she's had all these changes and you're feeling it as well, I'd prioritise setting aside time with her - just the two of you - to help her feel secure and so you can properly check in with how she's doing with so much change going on.

I'd say it's pretty normal to have a little ache for earlier versions of our children, but also important to accept transience as someone said earlier and find new ways of enjoying being together. I think it's really crucial you don't be overly nostalgic with her and emphasise all that she can do and enjoy now that she's the age she is.

Yes, you're proof that one doesn't actually need experience or qualifications to spout condescending negative rubbish anonymously on the internet to another simply asking for help. I hope you feel wonderful about your miserable self and realise that you added nothing positive or helpful to the conversation, though I do feel that is a daily occurrence for you.

It’s not about how long ago she met the man, it’s how long ago she introduced them to each other before getting pregnant.

I don’t think you can expect your dd to be happy about any of these changes - they really do not serve her well and take you away. So it’s natural she feels sad.
i would focus on taking her out or enjoying time with her as much as possible without the baby. This is the only thing that will work and reassure her.
Only get her involved in the baby stuff she is interested in. No pressure around ‘helping’ she may not want to. I think their relationship is likely to be limited anyway with a huge age gap but do your best for her.

You don’t need a psychology degree to know that the situation he OP has forced upon her child will have a negative impact (the poor child has even spoken out to a friends mother ffs).

How can you not get that? Are you determined to have a Jeremy Kyle type ‘omg I know best for my child even if it’s really shit don’t judge me yeah why you judging me!!’’ attitude?

Oh do shove off with your ridiculous judgements @Hermittrismegistus!
Oh and learn to bloody read the OP met her partner 5 years ago. That's plenty of time to work out if he is a good guy and decide to introduce them to her daughter

Go for girly time regularly and if possible without the baby!

Completely normal reaction and get her involved in helping with baby so she feels responsible, it'll help in their future relationship

I can't believe the judgement - now is this helpful to OP , terribly judgemental

@Hermittrismegistus omg, you’re absolutely ridiculous! 🤣🤣🤣🤣