Resent my “entitled” sons

When my three children were young adults, we went to a confirmation service. At the end of the service there was a collection at the door which we didn't expect. I saw my three huddled together and they started giggling. I went over to them and asked what they were doing, and they said they were turning their pockets out to see what they could do for the collection, because they were skint but made sure they put in equal amounts when their wealthy cousin walked up, took out a roll of notes, peeled some off and put them in the collection plate.

They fell about laughing because it reminded them of the 'widow's mite' of the parable.

I sent my boys to private schools, yet they had no pretentions to grandeur.

At those prices, you are spending ridiculous sums of money on main courses & cocktails . It is beyond average as mentioned on ExPatiStan .

As a result of playing you against their father , they have started to take all this f granted & have become spoilt brats . He & you need to eat & drink at less expensive places & possibly economise more materially .

YANBU... But this is when they start taking you out. I would pay if I went out with my DC but they are polite and say "are you sure it's ok?" (To have a drink or a steak). I hope that once they get a job they will start buying me drinks and meals. You probably need to point out that you're not made of money. It's trickier with the 17 yo as they probably can't pay their own way yet but they do need to learn that life isn't about takeaways and cocktails and that things cost money.

It's just occurred to me, what on earth is in these cocktails that they can charge £20 for them? Is that a standard price for cocktails, or is it because that particular restaurant is high end? Not familiar really.

It just seems so extravagant and then to order three at one meal!

You need to set their expectations in advance.

We've always treated our dc but DH is just retiring and when we went away with them last week he told them that they'd have to put their hands in their pockets from now on (they've always bought drinks etc but we've tended to pay for meals most of the time). They were all happy to pay their way.

Tbh if they'd started ordering expensive cocktails I'd have said there and then "we are splitting the bill!"

That’s a horrible thing to say, and enough to stop me buying another alcoholic drink for any of them. Mind you, if my lovely ds expected me to buy him £20 cocktails I’d laugh in his face.

They may grow out of it. My DH was like them in the past, now he has his own DC he acts like his Dad. He was listening to his Dads views all along. My MIL used to give in to her DCs though and FIL used to pay, they won't let him pay now.

Gosh you have done a good job of compensating them for the break up with their dad. I did similar myself, partly trying to prove that I could provide for them just as well as when I was with their dad. It is your job now to instil. in these boys a sense of responsibility and an awareness of budgeting. You need to treat them like the men they are to become. Time for a reality check. Nice that you rewarded them for A levels. But they must acclimatise to budgeting, like most of us to be honest. Appeal to their manly self now and encourage them to look after you to an extent their future boyfriends and girlfriends with thank you for .. No time like the present. You really don’t want two self centred monsters. They will get satisfaction from being looked at by you as men not ignorant school boys.

Listen, some young adults will push it, no matter how they were brought up. Mine all had to have PT jobs through uni etc, often been expected to live on very little, but they'd still chance their arm sometimes! They can also be very good and very generous in other ways.

My dear late mum used to say, when I was in uni, and she and I went to the supermarket, she didn't recognise half the things in her trolley when she got to the till! When I was older, and had children and our finances were shot to shit with the expense of childcare, she would alway find ways to help out!

I do, and always will, help out my kids if I can, and they are all in their 20s now - the same as my parents did for me and my siblings. I wouldn't let them take the piss with £60 worth of cocktails apiece though!

I certainly would not be sharing details of my income/expenses with them!

Do you have adult children and have you honestly done that? Shared an in depth account of your personal finances with them, just to get them off your back and stop them insulting you for not spending enough on them?

The time to start introducing the concept that money isn't unlimited and needs to be budgeted was in primary school. Growing up rich doesn't change that - rich people are savvy with money too, and even a huge bucket of money still has a bottom to it.

In their twenties, a short 'don't be ridiculous - if you want XXX (expensive thing) earn the money and pay for it yourself' will do the job.

I think a 22 year old grad is a little past having a Saturday job!

i think I brought them up better to know the price of things and to value the odd treat, not to take it for granted.

YABU. You actually brought them up to know the value of nothing. Cold sharp shock treatment for all of you.

Saturday jobs so they can learn the value of money and hard work. Get your ex to back the idea.

They just need to get into the real world and learn the value of hard work and the value of things. They are the young (ish) still. The school of hard knocks will change them!
No more holidays on mum now. And let them start making their own way!

Ooof I have to agree with this..
OP you are like my mum she can’t bear waste and saved a wrapper off a blow-up ball the other day! Its not a negative imo waste not want not..
your stbxh will provide for you but not them.
in 5-10 years your kids might be the ones looking for the yellow stickers, they’d do well to take a leaf out of your book now.
I’d probably goad them and reply ‘well if your so rich you pay for it!’ Or ‘you know stbxh’s not your dad, right?’ 🤔😅 the penny will drop OP, keep your head up you sound very down to earth and sensible, if they keep their entitled behaviour up it will make them look like idiots before long

I’m afraid it’s how they have been brought up. My husband and I are very comfortably off but our children know to be careful about money. Not mean but to be sensible and aware of the cost of things.

they would never dream of ordering €20 cocktails or €150 per head meals and certainly would not accuse me of behaving like a ‘poor’ person. - that is a shocking thing to say.

don’t be surprised that once they start work, even if they are earning a very good wage, they end up struggling financially and in debt as they don’t seem the sort who will be able to manage their money well.

It is a case of sitting down and thrashing out the problem.

Put the cost of the holiday, meals, entertainment in terms of how many hours you had to work to raise that much money.

If your sons are working, also work out how many hours they have to work to be able to pay for that holiday.

It might not bring the results you want, because they might just be making use of you while they have the chance, but it should sink in - at lease the idea - which may help you all in the future.

So what? What difference does that response make? Tell them that if they want to act like rich people they can pay for themselves. Three cocktails in one evening is already more than enough.

If my child actually was a child, then no, of course not.

But if my child was a grown man in his twenties, whose expensive university education I’d just paid for, and whose lovely expensive holiday I’d just paid for, told me that I was ‘acting like a poor person’ because I wasn’t willing to pay for more than three expensive cocktails, then too sodding right I’d call him a ponce. Because poncing off his mum’s limited funds is exactly he’s doing. It’s beyond entitled.

And I’m sure they will be working soon. I suspect, however, that they’ll be prioritising their own futures, rather than contributing to their mother’s dwindling resources or any expensive cocktail habit she chooses to develop. Let’s ask the OP to update us in ten years and see how many expensive holidays they’ve taken her in, shall we?

*your eldest son

Say no to the €20 cocktails. I'm the same age as you're eldest son and I moved out when I was your youngest sons age and have been paying for everything myself ever since. If I go out somewhere with my mother we take it in turns to pay for each others meals.

If you've been a high earner and their step dad is a wealthy man then surely they have got used to this kind of lifestyle? Prob a shock to suddenly find out things are different.

They are teens and new graduates who have never had to budget or earned proper money they think you are rich. You can't blame them for wanting to go to expensive places just need to set budgets and say what you can and can't do. Don't resent them. They'll realise in about ten years. And then they can take you on holiday and you order champagne!

Have you written down your ingoings. Outgoings, tax etc and sat down with them - I would sit down with them and let them see where your money goes food, heating etc
Then from what’s left say that an amount goes to my holiday next year, hairdresser etc and that leaves (smallish) amount for them divided three ways - y percent of that is going to uni costs and rent, car etcetc
Show them the costs but show them the remainder is your money mainly for you and a bit is for them - or you risk them saying they want xk up front to spend as they want. But they will have no clue about running a home so tell them.

I'd reply with: you don't become rich by drinking loads of 20 dollar cocktails and eating takeaways. Often people walking around in designer clothes aren't the rich ones either - lots of millionaires have patched clothing. Friend worked in a bank and said you could tell the millionaires when they came in - they had worn out clothes and used carrier bags as handbags. (this was a few years back, when we actually had bank branches!)