Resent my “entitled” sons

I'm from a working class background but I'm a lawyer and I earn a good salary.

I wouldn't go to a £20 cocktails place regularly but maybe one night on holiday, sure.

And there speaks the voice of privilege if you consider the kind of prices the OP is talking about as normal.

If you ever happen to go away together again (I know you've said it's the last time but..) I would suggest that you decide in advance what your total spending budget is for meals, drinks etc and then divide that by the number of people going, including yourself, and allocate a portion to each person.

Then, if one of them wants to blow their entire week's budget on cocktails on the first night, that's up to them but don't give them any more money. When it's gone it's gone. Let them decide how they want to spend it.

I can't imagine not paying for almost everything on holiday while DDs are still in full time education and takeaways and eating out are pretty normal. I don't see why it's an issue if you have plenty of money. I'd be drinking cocktails with them personally.

I've made it clear to my two that they may have no expectation of any holiday with me that I pay for past the age of 18. I may offer if if suits me and if I am paying, I will be within my budget parameters. They are free to stay home. No bloody way would I be paying for 20 something adults out of my reasonable but not high salary. In any case, I assume they will want to do their own thing with their own friends or partners. From some people, I get the vibe that they almost bribe their children to go on holiday with them with the offer of fancy accommodation, food, drinks etc, which I find a bit strange. I'd rather they want to go and have fun and adventures together in a very normal kind of way or just not bother at all.

Are they not working? If they want that lifestyle, let them.pay for it. As a Mum I can understand you want to treat them but yeah they are taking the piss.

You are being unreasonable to draw a line in the sand during this holiday. It is the last paid for holiday - breathe and enjoy it. THe last thing you want is memories of you all arguing

Whoa- steady on!

Why isn't it her sons who should wind it in and stop behaving like spoiled brats?

Their mum has had cancer, she's retiring and getting divorced (I suppose she posted that for context.)

They are MEN ( apart from the 17 year old.)

Time they started acting like men instead of stroppy spoiled teens.

i think I brought them up better to know the price of things and to value the odd treat, not to take it for granted.

Unfortunately, you didn't.

Their behaviour shows that. This kind of behaviour is men doesn't happen overnight. It's been allowed to develop over years.

There is also a disconnect between what your ex H did and how you (presumably) tried to instil better values in them.

I wonder if that was a part of why you're divorcing? Different values?

You started this last Sunday and haven't been back.

How are you feeling now?

My sons used to laugh at me and say I was embarrassing for getting yellow sticker stuff, now they shop for themselves they feel so proud if they get a good yellow sticker bargain and say they now understand why I did it

They havent suddenly become like this

You are being unreasonable to draw a line in the sand during this holiday. It is the last paid for holiday - breathe and enjoy it. THe last thing you want is memories of you all arguing

100% bring it up for future though - but dont throw the holiday back in their faces

go with it, get shit faced with them, its your last chance

Cost of living hun. Suck it up.

I can see why you're so disappointed and frustrated, OP.

Comments about 'poor' people are truly vulgar. As is the grabby behaviour.

Could you have a reset one morning - update them on your new circs, manage their expectations. Talk to them calmly about the changes coming and their next steps (ie no one gets bankrolled - they need to work, plan to move out, no more holidays etc etc) and a reminder that you love them and are there for them emotionally.

They ask to go to restaurants where it’s €20 per cocktail and they knock them back and also to order expensive food where the bill is €125- €150 per head.

I'd say - "that is very generous of you. Its a much more expensive restaurant than I would choose but if you are able to cover the bill & tip I'd love to go there".

€ 600 for a family meal is extortionate.

With things like this, I manage expectations by planning ahead. I tell them we can have one very fancy dinner out with cocktails at start and end of holiday, and in between, we eat very cheaply. Or I give them each a budget for the entire family, including drinks and tips and say - find us somewhere nice to eat, for this amount.

(But I do like @Whothefuckdoesthat's reply.)

I can understand wanting to push the boat out on a last family holiday but they are absolutely taking the piss aren't they?

"Acting like a poor person" wtaf does that mean?

Not giving them all of your money to spend?

Bloody hell they'll get a shock if they ever move out!

I don't think they are rejecting the way you are. I'm a saver too.

Once they get their own homes and realise how expensive everything is and what you have to budget finely to buy 3 X 3 £20 cocktails they will understand

They need to stop with this "you are poor" comments and they need to start buying their own drinks and less expensive meals. It's easy to be generous with someone else's money.

I wouldn't buy myself 3 cocktails. One pre-prandial and then standard drinks. I'm anything but poor, but profligate is another thing entirely.

I think a lot of people, maybe most, won't truly appreciate the value of money until they're responsible for earning it. Even if you don't spoil your kids and act in the right way, it's just one of those things that I think you have to do yourself in order to understand it properly.

If their father/former stepfather was wealthy then it's not really surprising if expensive things are their norm. You don't have to feel guilty for saying no but I wouldn't worry too much that a 22 year old recent grad or a teenager haven't fully appreciated how financial life works yet.

If you keep saying yes they will keep asking. Say no. Or set a daily budget.

If this is the last family holiday, let it be the last of treating them like children (except maybe the 17 year old).

Going forward, in scenarios where they are going to expect you to pay, you need to be upfront and tell them they are adults now and so can pay for their own stuff.

A 23 year old doesn't need to ask you for a take away - they can order and pay for one themselves.

The problem is, you sound like the Grinch next to their dad. To some, it's living 'hand to mouth', to others, it's knowing you can't take it with you. Very different perspectives, and whilst you're probably focused on leaving something behind for the kids, it sounds like dad would like to enjoy his money with them now. I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting to control how your money is spent, but I also don't see a problem with how your ex lives either.

Say "no" end of story.

They have got used to living very comfortably, which is lovely when you can afford it. You just need to explain that circumstances have changed. They shouldn’t be talking to you like that, but you also need to call them out on it. I was probably a bit like that when I was younger as I had a privileged upbringing. They’ll soon learn when they are paying for everything themselves! I did, but do still enjoy a cocktail or two on holiday (paid for by me).

They’re all working so start charging them board. Give them chores. They need to learn the VALUE of money and how to budget etc. I charge my kids board and I am saving what I charge t them in bank accounts for deposits for later. They have a fair bit saved up as they have all worked PT since they were 14. My eldest moved out in December and has over $30,000 AUD in her account. She’s in a share house and is still adding to it. My twins are still at home and have close to $18k. They’re very pleased too.