Resent my “entitled” sons

theleafandnotthetree ·I think the notion of treating, but on your own terms is very important. And making it clear from early on with children that is IS a treat, not something they have any right to expect.

I agree. On a lighter note, jelly and custard, and trifles were probably the cheapest desserts, but I only dished them up for parties and special occasions, so the children assumed they were something special.!

Because they've just done exams and are now on holiday. Why can't you read?

Why aren't they earning money? Stop paying for them. Let them know it's over. They are not children any more. Time to close your purse. They need to grow up.

I think the notion of treating, but on your own terms is very important. And making it clear from early on with children that is IS a treat, not something they have any right to expect.

Oh wow.
my parents very kindly took my family away earlier this year and last year.
we paid our way out there though, or at least offered. My parents are very well off and don’t want to see us struggle so help a lot but I think their expectation for you to find everything is poor, they should at least be offering to pay and paying their way for some!

Well there's your answer. If they've always had the cash splashed when you were with ex they probably haven't clocked the change into their immature brains yet. So set it out. Literally have a conversation and say your now having to be more mindful of your money and don't have as much and expect them to contribute towards own costings now and to be abit more frugal. If you haven't told them how can they adjust expectations. Somethings need to just have a conversation about.

My children always had to work from early teens to pay for treats. I could easily have afforded to pay for them but I don’t think it’s good for them to get too much. As adults they never expect me to pay for anything, I enjoy treating them, but always on my terms.
I would suggest you need to manage their expectations, if they earn the money and pay for their own cocktails I can guarantee they suddenly won’t want them! They are not understanding how much effort it takes to earn that money and this is a life experience they need

Yanba, but things are soo expensive now. My kids dont think £100 is a lot of money, mainly because they arw growing uo in a world where it doesn't go very far at all. 20 quid now does not go very far. That being said either go all inclusive next time, my parents paid for a couple of holidays for us as teens/young adults and they were always all inclusive trips to mexico or dominican republic which worked really well. Or tell then they need to save some money for the holiday for spends, youll get flights and accomodation and food and they get drinks?

My oldest was like this would want all the expensive stuff during a food shop and did not like the cheap stuff, needed fancy cold coffe in cans every day etc. then she turned 18, got a job and she started having to pay for her own food so all of a sudden the cheaper stuff would do 🤷🏻‍♀️

then she got a decent job and realised that if she continued on the cheaper stuff she could buy herself things she really wanted and save up and so she’s continued being more sensible now.

Just say no, and set boundaries in advance.

Well before the holiday, you should have had a chat, especially with the eldest two, and set your rules.
"Right boys, I'll pay for the flights and accomodation for us all. I'll get the evenings meals, and we can decide between us where we want to go, some cheap nights for pizza, burgers or pasta, and some nicer nights where we get dressed up and spend a bit more on steaks. But if you want loads of drinks, you'll be paying for them yourselves, and if you want to do stuff like party boats or jet ski's you'll be paying for them yourselves too."

As long as you've mentioned in advance, it's easy enough to say 'You can do what you want with your money, but I'm not buying more than one cocktail each tonight'. Even if you haven't it's reasonable to say 'No boys, we had a really expensive meal last night, so it's pizzas and beers tonight'

Even as a young child and teenager, we used to go on lovely holidays abroad and have these kind of boundaries set 'Right, tonight lets have a nice meal, shall we go for a steakhouse or that nice Chinese?' 'Tonight's a cheap one, we'll go to that place down the sea front, but it's pizzas or burgers' 'No, we spent a lot of money on the waterpark yesterday, so we're just having one drink out tonight, once we've all finished we'll head back to the hotel - you can try that fancy milkshake another day'.

Any complaints can easily be met with 'Well I'm definitely not poor, I've paid for all four of us to come to this lovely place, and paid for XYZ. You're welcome to put your hand in your own pocket if you want more, but I won't be'

I had this from my dc2. ''we're povo'' he said to me. He is DAMN lucky that he was raised with a secure roof over his head as when I left his tightwad father we relied on my family and my savings and my job. He had more than I had and my parents were together when I grew up. After years of working I am back on an even keel now and back to saving again but he has in the past made comments about how I shouldn't be saving, I should be lavishing more money on him. My dc1 has a part time job and never asks for a penny.

It was a joke and I laughed through the tears but my x bf didn't like what he saw and warned me 'he's like a boa constrictor, sizing you up' and it made me feel scared of him. My son that is.

My mum was similar with me and I was the same as your sons. I like nice things.

But, I earn the money to pay for them and I use what I want to fuel my ambitions and climb the ladder. I pay for everything myself. That's the difference I can see here.

I don't aspire to be a yellow label shopper, I aspire to travel wherever I want and have the best and nicest experiences. Both of those things are fine, one will keep you stuck but is simpler. But they should pay their own way at their ages. If they want nice things they need to earn them.

Lots to be honest! I don’t get drunk beyond merry from them no matter how many I drink whereas wine….🤯

I don’t disagree at all when they’re fully functioning adults. But just finished A Levels and just finished uni (they’ll have literally just finished their exams) they’re not fully functioning adults.

If I chose to take my 18 and 21 year old kids who had lived a well off lifestyle alongside us for their whole lives on holiday, I would be doing it on the basis of knowing either - they’ve been working for X hours a week for X weeks/months/years and they knew they needed to save up their own spending money, or they’ve just finished their education and they’re still living off me financially. I’d have known this prior to booking it and would have decided whether to book or not based on that.

But if they’ve, for the past however many years, been used to going away with mum (and stepdad), living the high life and having it paid for, I don’t think immediately after education finishes for one and hasn’t even started (uni) for the other is when they’d be thinking it’s time to be independent. They haven’t had a chance to be.

And again, I just don’t believe they’ve grown up not being indulged and this was out of the norm for them. Again, they’re a product of their upbringing.

As another aside we all see things differently but I can categorically say that we see it as our chosen (chosen being the key point) path in life to give the kids as much as we can for as long as they want or need our assistance. As long as they are in education, working and are decent human beings our financial assistance and just generally ‘treating’ them will continue until they tell us to stop.

I don’t want to be the richest person in the graveyard…!

@Throwaway1234567890000000 I agree that £15-20 for a cocktail isn’t out of the question but honestly how many of those would you have? My friends and I don’t struggle but I’d have 1, maybe 2 and then move on to something like wine which we’d share. And it’s my own money- not someone else’s! Plus it sounds like the OP is very careful in most respects.

The “acting like a poor person” statement is shocking. Especially when it sounds like they are earning nothing!

To give them the benefit of the doubt see how they like managing a budget- I’d be giving them a sensible amount of spending money for the rest of the holiday, then after that it’s gone or they dip into their own savings or manage without. You could say you’ll pay for the food (you decide where you’re going) one drink, after that they pay for their own- and if they don’t like your choice of restaurant they are welcome to go elsewhere but they pay.

Stop with the guilt too, otherwise I can virtually guarantee that you’ll end up with at least one of them still at home into their 30s. Managing finances and living within your means is something you have to teach kids, just as much as swimming/ riding a bike etc.

Well you've earned the money to buy your expensive cocktail, they haven't. Seems pretty straightforward to me. This idea that adult children should have the equivalent lifestyle as their parents is bizarre to me.

What's wrong with saying, only one each because that's all I can afford?! I tell my kids what the budget is when we go out. Next holiday they can pay for themselves.

I'd say I'm buying a bottle of wine, if you want anything more you pay for it yourself. If they are better than you expect, buy a round of cocktails on the last night.

I think you need to be firm in response to these comments, as in "I'm not poor because I'm careful. You however are poor because you're not working full time and don't have much of an income yet. Stop expecting me to fund your lives."

Just an aside. You’re getting a really polarised view of everything with this post.

So many people can’t comprehend how anyone can spend £20 on a cocktail. When I go out, I drink cocktails and the price depends on the venue but £12 is comparatively cheap, £18/19 is about what I would normally pay.

Whether this is truly mind blowing and appalling is more to do with what they’re used to. My kids wouldn’t bat an eyelid at £20 cocktails because they, by adulthood, will have had over a decade of watching me order them without batting an eyelid.

It would be pretty crappy of me to then, in a couple of years time, sit utterly appalled at them ordering the same drinks as I’ve ordered all along. I don’t sit and say how expensive my drink is or what a treat it is to be here so why would it feel like that to them?

If your kids have been used to dining in similar places, don’t judge them - they’re a product of the upbringing you’ve given them, for good or for bad!

I doubt they can actually comprehend the impact on all of your lifestyles that these changes will bring. If we divorced, we would absolutely have to both change our standard of living. But I would have to do that while being sensitive to the fact it would be a huge change to the children and all they know.

Kids are largely a product of their upbringing - if you don’t like what you’re seeing, you also need to look at yourself too.

This is why they are like it. You have always given them everything. It really does them no good. Yes they have been In Education but they should still work aswell. You have made them this way. Entitled. It's not a nice trait.

Do they work. They are all old enough to have their own money. My kids would not dream of doing that to me.

Have they been brought up with a wealthy lifestyle?

I have realised recently that while often my children blow my mind with their ‘entitlement’, it’s actually more the fact that for their whole lives we have eaten out multiple times a week, think nothing of ordering expensive cocktails/mocktails etc. So have unintentionally taught them that this is normal life because it’s the only life they’ve lived.

When I live my life, it’s with huge appreciation (often mental wide eyes) and shock as to how we have ended up where we are (not super rich but very good incomes and a really lovely lifestyle). I remember having nothing.

It has taken me a lot of hidden tears, frustration and talking things through with my husband to realise that this isn’t my normal. But it is their normal. So it’s not spoilt or entitled for them to think it is normal and essentially take it for granted….they only know the life they know.

(Caveat, they are kind, considerate and genuinely lovely small people. They just are noticeably used to money not being an issue in terms of how they think. I’m just wondering if it may be a similar issue). If they actually acted like spoilt brats that would entirely change all of the above!

Lucky them. My dad wouldn't buy me a twenty pound cocktail unless he was having some sort of episode.