Friendship group leaving me out

Being excluded is awful and it has similar effects on the brain as physical pain so your feelings are understandable. Us women without children experience it on a regular basis in friendship groups, work and wider society so I completely understand

Hope you’re feeling loads better today. ❤️

I had something similar and ended up leaving the group. Now I look back and am surprised that I stayed in it so long. There were a lot of warning signs that they weren’t good friends. I guess your decision will depend on whether you believe them to be good friends overall or not.

I’ve been thinking about this a little more and looking back on what happened when only one of my group of friends had kids, and then also when I had kids (and the rest of my group still didn’t).

I think the person with kids can often be left out, sometimes kind of on purpose but not necessarily a reflection on that person. It’s more about what’s going on I. Their lives. Like, they may feel they can’t or don’t want to relate to you in the same way at the moment because you’ve entered a phase of life that they’re not at, and subconsciously or otherwise, they have some difficult feelings. I remember I had one friend who was married with a baby when the rest of the group were basically single and not necessarily happily so. I think it’s natural sometimes to gravitate towards people in the same situ. That’s not to say you wouldn’t be absolutely lovely and understanding and have all the right insights and sympathy - it’s just they’re not thinking that far through and are instinctively wanting to be with people who are just the same. Particularly if they are actively finding it hard - which they may not have shared with you.

I also experienced it myself after I had my baby. I think that my single and childfree friends kind of mentally moved me into a different category even though I never would have been a “smug parent” or dominated the chat with nap schedules and nappy talk. Being with people in the same situ was what they needed at the time. I’m not pretending it didn’t hurt and I definitely had the same feelings you do, but with time I realised what had happened. It also didn’t last, they got to places where they felt happier, and I also felt more confident in myself, and life is back to normal.

just a thought. The TLDR version is it’s them not you, but they’re not being horrible on purpose just careless with how it might look to you.

It's a shitty way for them to behave BUT you are in control of how you let it get to you.

If they're crappy friends, back off. Make other friends, preferably with kids so they are more understanding.

Either way, don't turn this into a thing to beat yourself with. Don't sit around wondering if you're 'boring' or 'not fun enough' - they haven't said that so don't make assumptions that leave you feeling horrible.

Very often friendships struggle when one has kids and the others don't. It's not nice but it is what it is.

You can do better.x.

This always happens when the group gets too large and sub groups appear. Nothing at all to do with you personally.

Identify which ones you really do like, invite them over for a kitchen supper and start developing one to one meaningful friendships with them. Join in on the odd group meet up, but take away the decent friends now and stop relying on the ‘group’ it’s dying stages now sadly.

You’re honestly welcome. I am sure you are hugely important to them, but they have missed the mark and need gentle reminding not to make assumptions because you are not chained to the kitchen sink! X

How can you be sure that they are all going? Perhaps it was an error as only 2 or 3 of the 4 are going and you are not the problem!

I have been and still am in this situation, I have told the one I am closest to and she understands how it has made me feel. However I have had to have a word with myself as my situation is different and while its always lively to be asked, I get massive FOMO if I cant go and so its just way easier if I dont get asked. Often I dont want to go, not really, esp as I have young children and theirs are now all older. But when I do go and do get asked they are always really happy to see me and show a lot of interest in my life. I just had to be realistic and our lives are different. I always try and make events if I can though even if I don't want to go.

Im sure its nothing intentional. Perhaps drop it in convo when you see them and ask how their weekend was and did they all have fun at the pub?

Have no further advice but would be very interested in their explanation

This is why I struggle with friendship groups, I'm much less emotionally stable that you OP, this kind of thing would make me delete the group and block them 🫣

I guess you have three main options:

1. feel sad and then try to forget about it. Don't mention it and "move on". Accepting that it may or may not have been personal.

2. you ask them. It's very awkward and may not end well (likely they will try to make you feel better but underneath you'll suspect they're lying) but it may result in honesty, albeit unlikely.

3. you don't address it and start to disengage from the group with a view to leave it over time.

I'm not sure which is preferable. If you really value them, perhaps try number 1. If this is a one off, I'm sure you'll feel better soon. If it happens again, then you'll know.

I recently read something that reminded me that most friends are transient and aren't life long. This sometimes helps take the pressure off. "Who cares if they don't want me at every event, I enjoy the ones I go to" as an example.

You mention you're the only one with a child, is that right? If so, this could be a key reason, people assume a lot of crap about mums but also people can change when they have kids, is it possible the dynamics have changed?

I’m sure you are not an awful person in the slightest, but sometimes self doubt will raise its ugly head!

If the bigger group are coming to you soon then you are clearly a cherished friend. They might just need reminding (via that one specific friend) that you are not shackled to your homelife and would be up for some spontaneous fun on occasion. Sending love ❤️!

Honestly I think I would ask the question and see what transpires although I guess you risk things being more than a tad awkward afterwards but at least you'd know where you stand. Bit cheeky that some of them at least are taking advantage of your hospitality soon though.

Ok, I think I understand a little more and she could have said: “Actually X, Y and I were thinking of going out for a drink for an hour or two… fancy it?” And she didn’t?

In which case I think you probably could raise it with her in passing? It could also be that thing that childless people do and almost assume they shouldn’t invite anyone to a relatively late notice thing (i.e. less than a month in advance!) who does have kids because they wouldn’t be able to do it, due to family priorities. I’m childless myself and try not to do it, but I am
sure I must have done it on occasion with an unconscious bias. You sound very nice so if you raise it hopefully it will sort itself through?

How often do you make plans to meet on the core WhatsApp group? How often do you attend the meet ups? Do you ever cancel or often decline?

Unfortunately it's probably just a case of different lifestyles as you're the only one with kids.
They can arrange stuff at the drop of a hat but that isn't the case for you, sadly that means that your friends will not even consider you for nights out weekends away etc as it will make plans trickier. That doesn't mean it's nice though.

It's such a shitty feeling, being left out. I went to an event with a group & one of the group took a group photo, posted it on her socials & tagged everyone else but me - even though I was sitting right next to her! I jokingly wrote "what about me"?.

There are certainly other occasions where I feel I've been deliberately excluded. As much as I feel crummy & the childish part of me wants everyone to "like" me but I realise sometimes not everybody will like me & I have to hold my head high & deal with it.

Are you especially close to any of the gang? If so, could you ask them directly? Using same language you’ve used in your post ‘I’m probably being daft but…’. I would be a bit sad too. Although it may self-correct once they start to have kids. Big hugs 🤗