Friends husband a miserable git

I have a couple of lovely women friends who I see regularly for walks, coffee, lunches and days out. I occasionally have to tolerate their rather pompous /boring OHs, such as at a wedding we all have been invited to. It just emphasises to me how important our single sex outings are!
See your nice friend on her own!

Can't you just all ignore him for the sake of your friend

Meet your friend alone from now on.
If she insists on a group be honest like PP have said and mention the fact he never seems to enjoy group meet ups so far better for you guys to meet alone.

That is not rude at all, and if she’s as lovely as you say, she’ll understand. Thing is, this isn’t about you disliking him out of the blue, it’s the fact HE is acting like he hates group outings so you are just being respectful to his feelings as well as your own. Genuinely think it would be hard to take offence to that - she can hardly argue and say no he loves it can she? 😂

How do I extract from going out as a 4 some without upsetting my friend, who is lovely.?

I don’t think you can. No one ever wants to hear “I don’t like your partner”, even if it’s only hinted at rather than being said out loud.

I agree with the posters suggesting you try to spend more time with her one on one. If she pushes to go out as a foursome, it might be time to do as others have suggested and say “Well to be honest, it seems like John doesn’t really enjoy it” or similar. Yes, your friend will be upset, but there’s no magic wand here.

We asked on holiday, what was wrong with him and she just shrugged her shoulders

What I find weird is- she knows he doesnt like hanging out with you all, knows you have asked why and find his behaviour odd but wont discuss it and yet she keeps on insisting you all meet up together as a group-why?

be honest and say that you know that X doesn’t enjoy your company so it’s best if it’s just the two of you

This is exactly what I'd say- its clear he doesnt enjoy it so lets just meet the two of us.

As others have said, I’d just start inviting your friend to go out and if she suggests all four of you meeting up, be honest and say that you know that X doesn’t enjoy your company so it’s best if it’s just the two of you.

She’s a lifelong friend, I think you can be honest with her. Her DH sounds pretty pathetic, tbh, making it clear that he wasn’t enjoying the holiday the way that he did. It was a milestone celebration with his wife’s lifelong friends, and a mature person would have made the best of it for her sake. He sounds very selfish.

No one wanted to call him out on it on holiday as he has a temper as well

No way would I be spending time with someone either on holiday or at a restaurant like this. If the wife wont talk about it or even acknowledge it then she cant really get annoyed that you refuse to hang out with him can she? She cant have it both ways.

I know it wasn't the main issue, but the fact that he sat around the pool in long trousers, shirt etc might have been a confidence thing. DP never, ever wore shorts and t-shirts on holiday because he was self conscious about being very skinny (was teased mercilessly as a child and, at 58, is still skinny, apart from a small amount of fat in his stomach area.) I used to try and reassure him but I couldn't shift his mindset. He felt comfortable In those clothes and that was that. And I would rather he was comfortable than self conscious. He also wore socks and lightweight shoes, like canvas - never flip flops or sandals. He didn't wear fur lined slippers though😬

Well, look what you've landed yourself in by pussyfooting around her? Jesus, Brits are ridiculously indirect. You're supposedly her friend, and yet no one out of all of you has ever addressed with this 'lovely' woman that her husband appears to suffer from MH issues?

Or are you doing that Mn thing where you say 'friend' when what you mean is 'someone I hang around with but don't know terribly well'?

Seriously! bloody hell, why is everyone tiptoeing around this dickhead? Noone likes him, he's making everything crap for everyone else. Why hasn't anyone said something- if it's because they are scared of him, why are you holidaying with someone you are afraid to talk to?

Didn’t any of you ask him “Wtf is wrong with you, man? You’re going out of your way to make everyone fucking miserable including your wife? Why did you even come? Why do you even come out with us ever?”

This is a good idea- her reaction to this will tell you everything. She may even express that she's unhappy with him. You can say it in a concerned way as in "Is X alright?- we all noticed he seemed quite unhappy on holiday and I was wondering if everything is ok?" It might be a relief valve for her

Have you or any of the others actually said anything to the wife? Not in a nasty way. Just asking if he’s OK. Acknowledging that we all like different things and if there something that has upset him.
Her answer would be telling.

Well tbh OP's latest update about furlined slippers by the pool certainly adds to a picture of someone mentally unwell.

I thought he was wearing those clothes because he was uncomfortable with his own body and didn't want to expose it to others. It's easier to act confident (and bullying) when you're clothed, but when you're half naked it's an awful lot harder.

Not saying he's not generally an arse, though.

It;s likely that your friend is in an abusive relationship with this man and is either unaware (believing him when he tells her she's worthless and the reason for his behaviour) or just doesn't know how to leave

I think this too- he sounds abusive to me. I cant imagine what her life must be like behind closed doors.

Keep seeing her but not him, that way she still has you as a friend but you dont have to put up with his shit.

Well I totally agree with you.
He may just be a nasty person.
And of course he should be trying to modify his behaviour even if it is as a result of mental health.
I was only taking issue with the generalisation the pp made about how social anxiety manifests itself.

It;s likely that your friend is in an abusive relationship with this man and is either unaware (believing him when he tells her she's worthless and the reason for his behaviour) or just doesn't know how to leave.

If this is the case, he will be delighted to see you reduce contact. Isolating victims is a key goal of coercive controllers.

If he is a coercive controller, he will find a way to stop her socialising with you without him present.

I have to keep an eye on my DH & apologise for his behaviour. It’s very embarrassing. I’ve just told him that he’s not invited to a family birthday thing for DS, and he’s kicking off… But, it’s not my doing. Neither is it the fault of my DM, DF & sister, who are sick of him. Your friend knows all of this about her husband.

I don't think you can equate social anxiety with shyness. It is not the same thing at all.

Fair enough- but even IF its a result of anxiety, thats for him to seek help for, its not within OP's responsibility to fix or help him, and it is his responsibility not to take out his unpleasant behaviour on OP or waiters just doing their job, or his wife with his mean put down comments.

Mental health issues is not an excuse to treat people like garbage, it just isnt. If its unbearable for him then he should decline to go and/or seek help for whatever is clearly getting to him.

We can speculate all we like but the fact is, some people are simply not very nice.

If it's just one person being like that I wouldn't let it affect me. It's a shame to cut your friend out because of that.

I don't think you can generalise like that about social anxiety. I suffer from extreme social anxiety in a lot of situations and I know that when things don't go right in a social situation which I haven't been able to avoid I cannot handle it in the same way as a " normal " person. I probably sometimes come over as rude or certainly passive aggressive and if there was an issue with a waiter I might be accused of being unpleasant because I'm socially awkward when being unpleasant isn't my intention.

I don't know whether this man has social anxiety or not but the fact he couldn't relax to the extent of wearing suitable less formal clothing certainly smacks of some mental health issue going on.
OPs post certainly make it sound as though he either doesn't like mixing socially or he really just doesn't like his DW's friends.

I agree with the pp who suggests OP should just ask her friend out to do things together without their partners. Or even general women only activities with the other women of the holiday group. It would be sad if her friend lost out because of her DH's behaviour but I fully agree OP shouldn't have to put up with his behaviour .