Friends husband a miserable git

Ask your mate if he was ok and say he didn't seem to enjoy himself. Then tell your mate that it's okay if her DH doesn't want to come on things in the future, and that she isn't going to be left out. Give him permission not to be there and he won't come. Job done.

Feel like maybe the men on the holiday should have spoken up, had a lads night and found out what his problem is, and yous as her mates should do the same with her but not in a ganging up and why this and why that way but a "hey we've noticed so and so seems really distant lately, is there something any of us has done"... also maybe he's antisocial and being dragged to these things because his wife's wants to come and doesnt want to be the odd one out, so if he's been brow beaten to mix with a bunch of people he's not that interested in then it's a tough one, maybe he would get alot of grief at home no one knows what relationships are like behind closed doors and maybe he loves her enough to go for her sake but just isn't interested in any of you. I'm a 35 yr old woman and honestly cannot be bothered to socialise whatsoever anymore but if my partner wanted me to go with him somewhere so he didn't miss out I'd do it for his sake but wouldnt be fake and false to people I don't want to engage with

I think your friends husband has ground her down over the years. Although you and your other friends don't want to upset the apple cart; what your in fact doing is normalising his behaviour and making it acceptable. Maybe your friend might need to hear his behaviour is unacceptable and that people are bothered about the way he treats her?

I also think how close a friendship can it be with no honesty. Closeness depends on honesty and being able to negotiate that even when it's uncomfortable. Me and my friend (33 year friendship) had a not dissimilar situation recently. We holidayed as families last year. Her family don't want to spend time anymore. Her kids are older than mine (girls) and tbh her family isn't very social. My kids are young boys and tbh bloody crazy 🙈 She told me & it was uncomfortable, but I said to her it's always been our friendship and I think we should see each other alone...I don't need 'family days' and 'joint holidays'; just our friendship. I also said I look forward to my kids getting older & then we will ditch our families and holiday together just us; like when we were young. To carry on and force our families together would of caused unhappiness and also dishonesty. Excuses would have eroded our friendship. We carry on in honesty just the two of us 👍

I think you tell your friend sensitively how your feeling; respecting your friendship. But also how you feel about her treatment from her husband. I would encourage the group to invite her alone next year. He doesn't enjoy it. Nobody enjoys him...stop living a lie 🤷

All these people making excuses for mardy poor behaviour....

Just meet her for lunch.

You didn't enjoy his company but it seems he didn't enjoy yours either. Does it matter what he wears on his holiday? Hes probably miserable because his wife and her friend have engineered a holiday where he doesn't want to be.

Just keep your friendship seperate

But if she knows she's imposing her husband on all of you when you could see her on her own

That's not fair or reasonable

Is that what's causing your anxiety?

What are you doing about your behaviour?

His name isn't Gerry McCann is it?

I think it's very important that you don't abandon your beloved friend. She will need and value your support.

I'd try and think of ways to see her alone. Maybe even a white lie - something like your OH is busy with family / has a lot going on these next few weeks, how about catch up just the two of you? Or suggest an activity you both like, for example a show, with dinner or drinks. You might find that with time alone she opens up about her situation more.

My husband uncle was a bit like this. He kept on seeking me out at every family gathering to criticise dhs dad. I wish I'd said to him the very first time 'what the fuck do you think this has to do with me?' But it evolved to avoiding him, then not going to places he would be.

I know someone else like it now and it's OK to not engage with them. Don't sit next to him.

Ignore him, cant be that hard seen as he also ignores you.

I’m finding it hard to understand why your female friend wants to keep making couple / group plans when her husband acts the way he does. It just seems strange that she assumes everybody is happy to have him there behaving like that.

If she doesn't get to go, so be it. There is no way I would inflict a holiday like this on my husband.
Bad enough for a night out, absolutely ridiculous to have then gone on holiday with him.

You can bring it to her attention without directly criticising him. When she asks about a joint holiday I'd reply ' just you this time? DH doesn't enjoy joint holidays does he?'.

If she's a lifelong friend I see no reason why you can't be honest with her

Honesty isn't being unkind

100 per cent.

There's also the possibility that she may not get to go if he doesn't come along. It might be a situation of control. I would be loathe to cut off a friend in that situation. We don't really know what's going on behind closed doors.

My sisters friend was really bloody rude to a waiter at her hen night meal. It was shocking and embarrassing. Nobody challenged her but I did. They've all be institutionalised not to challenge her but in reality she is a rude arrogant bossy bitch. I called her out in front of everyone, she lost her shit altogether. People will behave as they behave don't hang out with him, keep friends with her if you can but you don't have to put up with his tripe face.

I have a relative like this who I'm sure has Asperger's. The reason he hates holidays is because it's a change in routine and social communication issues mean that he has trouble making small talk. He has got more cantankerous as he's got older and can be an absolute mood Hoover. Autistic spectrum conditions can overlap with other conditions such as oppositional defiance disorder which is an anxiety- driven need to be in control, which can translate in some cases into the kind of sulking that you're describing, though more often shows as a hair trigger temper and an inability to self regulate.
It's difficult because it is a neurodivergent condition however can make people very hard to live with and to feel as if they are treading on eggshells.

She needs cutting lose. She doesn't sound like a friend, just someone very much suiting herself.

How unbelievably passive. I cannot imagine myself or my quiet husband tolerating that for a minute. He would have asked that I see her on my own and count him out.
If the situation was reversed I certainly couldn't tolerate this.
To actually go on holiday and accept his rudeness is extraordinary.
She knows well what he is like, why are you all living a lie around him, terrified to put a name to his ignorance and rudeness.
Unbelievable.
I would just tell her the holiday was awful and won't be repeated.
That you will meet her for lunch.
If your other wet friends want to continue the charade that's on them.
If it's to your house, simply don't ask him.

Hard to believe you have all tolerated this for 30 years. It's not particularly English, but it is so wet.

I'd be talking to him. After all you have known him for 30 years and are supposed to be friends.

Ask him outright ' you seemed really miserable and were sullen on that last holiday. Like you hated every minute of being with us all. What's all that about? It was supposed to be a celebration but you didn't join in and your sour mood took the edge off for the rest of us. We've been friends for 30 years and I'd appreciate an understanding of what's wrong.'

Then see what he says. He will likely deny but I think it's important to communicate with him, let him know how it adversely affects you and try to find out why. At the very least it may cause a blow up that means he no longer comes, which wounds like it might be a good result. Yes there is a risk that he's just a bastard and this will give him the reaction he wants but you are no worse off.

Maybe his wife can come without him in future if he really hates it?

Drives me mad. He adds nothing to her life. Suffering unfettered boredom for a house x

Went on a long weekend with MIL and her second Husband. He humiliated her all the time, cutting up her food, talking to her like she was a simpleton. When home, he was challenged on his behaviour but she didn't seem bothered and said it was just his way. No more joint holidays for us.

Be honest, but polite, say you've noticed he doesn't seem to enjoy the holidays/meals out so you don't want him to feel he has to come