To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

No @gardenmusic you don't get it, fine to want to be in a long term partnership, but that's never going to happen if you pin all your hopes and put your life on hold waiting to be in a couple..because it can make you dull, angry and frustrated if it doesn't happen. And dull angry and frustrated doesn't appeal to many people generally. Taking a break from dating however and using that time to become an interesting person in your own right who doesn't long for this hypothetical man is what just might get you what you want long term. I get that in itself is frustrating as you want to be in a couple yesterday (presumably because your friends are etc etc) but if it's not working then it's a sign things need to change. The time I met my long term partner was when I was at my absolute happiest and most confident just being myself and wasn't looking for a serious relationship at all. It cannot be faked. If you have an agenda, men know. Online dating is full of men and women with agendas, often hiding their real selves, that's why it often doesn't work. I bet your friend was happy and loving her best life in Tibet when she met her SO @gardenmusic . Real love and connection is a outcome you cannot control or force. But you can help create the circumstances by finding what makes you tick. This is how it's worked for 99.5 percent of the people I know in long term relationships.

FFS! Some people are just incapable of getting it.
You embrace singledom. You go on the singles holidays (though my friend met her man in Tibet)
OP wants to be part of a loving and equal couple, as does most of the world.

Oh OP your frustration comes across loud and clear in your posts. Many men are shits and it's very easy to let that get into your psyche. Society and social media conditions us to feel we are entitled to marriage kids etc. But none of us are entitled. Ask yourself, what is it you really want a man for? Is it so you can have the big wedding and the picture perfect rosie cheeked kids and instagrammable life? If the answer is yes, these are the wrong reasons and men will smell it a mile off. If the answer is along the lines of you want to find a guy to connect with and share your life then I think this is a better way to approach it. That doesn't need to look like marriage. .Also you actually don't need a man these days to have kids (just a sperm donor!) so if your life is as good as you say and you just want kids well you can do that without a man. I get why you feel angry, life isn't fair. Men can have babies basically in theory at least until they die , thats not fair. Women tend to visibly age more quickly and it's less acceptable societally than for men to age, that's also not fair.. Men are societally conditioned and often watch pornography of younger women so feel entitled to be with younger women, that's not fair. You can choose to dwell on these things or you can choose to live your best life as you are and consider a man as a 'nice to have' but not essential. Once you accept life isn't fair and lose the anger and think about wanting a nice guy just to have everyday fun with and shelve the marriage ideas I think you might find it easier. I'm very direct too OP, I actually find men seem to respect this more, unless they are cowardly arses with fragile egos, you don't want to be dating those types anyway. Start enjoying your life and figure out what makes you happy without a man as we never know how long we've got. Then a man will just be a good extra addition instead of an end goal to making you happy! Book yourself on some singles holidays, join some clubs that interest you, challenge yourself outside your comfort zone. But don't just do it to stand out to some man, do it for you. Your life awaits, it has already begun, don't waste precious time waiting for a man for your life to start..

There is a ten year gap between 20 and 30. Early twenties, freedom, uni, girlfriend coupledom.
Late twenties they are in a couple or have discovered the sweetshop.
Pardon the analogy OP, but late twenties, early 30's and they have discovered that they 'don't have to buy the cow.'
Yes, of course, not all men, but it's finding that needle in the haystack.

I listened to a podcast interviewing this guy who makes his living as a “dating consultant” for women in your situation. His most crucial piece of advice was that women shouldn’t have sex in relationships for at least the first few months. It weeds out the men who are mainly with them for sex, and it communicates that the woman is someone worthy of being pursued romantically as opposed to just sexually.

He said all his clients get mad and complain that it’s sexist, but it works.

I am expecting a lot of trolling for this, so apologies for any derailing. Don't bother trolling, because I won't answer.
There is a book called 'The Rules' by Ellen Fein.
Not the new books, but the original. It changed my life. It might do nothing for anyone else, but if you are looking for a relationship, and wondering why it's not happening I think it is worth a read.
Still doesn't sort out the limited men on offer, though.

Stunned at these comments, incels, crud, I mean good god. Do people actually think before typing; what’s the odds she’s only met incels and crud for thr last 12 years and what would it say about her if she could only attract incels or the crud. What a bloody insult.

the op is asking why men don’t wish to be in a relationship with her. My view is she is struggling to understand what a relationship entails.she even tried to get men who are fading out to agree she’s their girlfriend. Which says she’s focused in the goal, not the relationship.

clearly something is up and it simply won’t be she’s incapable of attracting anyone who isn’t an incel or the crud.

and lots of men in their late 20s are happy to commit , it’s ludicrous to suggest it’s as they are at a different life stage so won’t commit, whilst in the same breath saying all the good ones settled down. In their 20s.

its also clear the op isn’t engaging in this conversation. She’s simply making random comments and a few answers. Is she like that in real life? Maybe, if so there’s the problem. Self focused and not interested in others?

I had a few years like this in my late twenties/early thirties. To make it even worse, three of the men who dumped me after a couple of months went on to marry the very next woman they dated!!!

Like OP, I really couldn’t understand it. I was ridiculously attractive back then, had a good job, nice flat, loads of friends and interests, but nobody wanted me.

Eventually I bumped into an old school friend on a bus and we became very serious very quickly.

Looking back, I think I was giving off a vibe that I really wanted a serious relationship. But actually, what is wrong with that? It certainly didn’t make me, or OP desperate.

Sorry I don’t have any answers OP, but honestly, truthfully, romantic relationships really are overrated.

I'm incredibly uptight and my boyfriend loves me. You can be told too assertive, too relaxed, too nice, too bitchy. It's irrelevant. What one person wants isn't what another wants. Looks are nothing really.
A few points

• online dating is really hard
• I know some women who've set their boundaries so low and accepted so little early on that, yes, they're in relationships but at what cost? 10 years in that passive attitude has left them lonely, doing all the child care etc. Don't bend - you'll break. Remember the person you are now and carry that into the relationship
• it's ok for you to be angry, but things aren't fair. But maybe this is an indication you need to step back
• I think you'll find someone but I don't know. And don't think "why does he like me?" but "why do I like him"
• Having needs and "being desperate" isn't a bad thing. The right person will not mind you expressing your needs

The only bit of advice I will throw in is watch Matthew Hussey's videos on YouTube (don't worry, it's all free) but the perspective he gives totally changes your view on dating, he's really good.

I'm not super relaxed and 'up for a laugh'. I have a killer sense of humour, but I'm not always grinning inanely. I have plenty of friends and male interest (which I don't reciprocate as I'm married!) Your husband's comment kind of reminds me of the bloke's earlier in the thread who said that women need to be 'laid back'. Also, there is a contradiction in what you say about men wanting 'a laugh' but 'don't care about nice'. Which is it?

I asked DH why she had so much bad luck with men. He reckons it’s because she just doesn’t relax and have a laugh, as simple as that.

That smacks so much of 'Smile!'
One person's idea of relaxing and having a laugh is another's total anathema.

Can people have a laugh with you?

My mate is far more accomplished than I am and still as slim as when we knew each other as teenagers. Has a lovely home and is always well groomed. I asked DH why she had so much bad luck with men. He reckons it’s because she just doesn’t relax and have a laugh, as simple as that. I would also say men do not value being nice as much as women do.

I've honestly thought of ending my life over this. I won't, but it hurts to never be enough.

The thing is, if a man expressed the same feelings you have expressed on this thread, I would run like the wind. I know it can be difficult (I am single myself so not saying this from a position of smugness at all) but anger and sadness and feelings of inadequacy are only ever going to attract the wrong kind of men.

As you get older the majority of men in the dating pool are just avoidant types - that's why they're still in the dating pool and not in a long-term relationship! They are unable to make it work with anyone! And that's why you keep meeting the same men over and over!

Quite. There is nothing wrong with you, and ignore the new tranche of goads. If they can't get in one way they will try another.
It's now down to planning, a bigger pool, different angles, new places and faces.
It's not desperate to be searching for something you want, and you are not wanting anything strange.

@Iwilldrawjapan

OP, I've re-read your posts in case I've missed something, but I was wondering what you like to do in your spare time, what your hobbies are etc.

It sounds as though what you do in your spare time is going to be the answer when it comes to meeting someone (rather than through work, as explained).

OP I think there’s quite a lot to unpick here - and I haven’t read all of the replies to you, tho read your responses. Two things which I’m afraid may not be helpful but are truly what I think (as someone older than you who has been single for longer).

I think you need to reframe your thinking a bit. Hanging your entire life’s happiness (or ‘future’) as you put it in your title on one thing is often unhelpful. You seem very upset by it being something that happens for everyone else, but the truth is it doesn’t. There are no guarantees in life. Many people desperately want a child, and can’t have one. Many people have a life changing accident. Many people have a partner die. We only have one life and you can only live the one you’re living and change the things you have control over. That doesn’t mean don’t try - and do OLD and other things you mention if a partner is important to you. But also consider how to enjoy your life if it never does happen for you. It would be a shame to waste years on feeling bitter. I’m sorry if you don’t find that helpful, but I firmly believe it to be true.

The second thing is that you don’t seem to have many (if any?) single friends. I do find that surprising - I’ve got quite a few, and you’re right that it is helpful to have shared experience with people. I wonder if there’s anything you can do to expand your social circle?

I wish you the very best of luck in finding happiness, I really do.

You've agreed with someone about why they interpreted it, who explained it, but then said you still find it odd. I don't get what what you find odd. If everyone was single it would be less if a contrast to be single. So less to be jealous of and unhappy about. I don't get why that's confusing.

I've absolutely felt that. It's not a feeling I'm proud of but yes, more people getting coupled up and leaving me to be the only single one made it increasingly sad.

Yes, it seemed to me she is unhappy with others coupled up. She said (paraphrasing) if only everyone else was single she would be happy. I found that a bit odd.

Hi OP, I totally get where you're coming from.

I had serious and committed (for our age!) boyfriends up until I was 21 and then I literally had a 10 year period where no man would even call me his girlfriend let alone make a more significant commitment. It would usually last 2 months then they'd suddenly say 'I wasn't actually looking for anything!' and in one case I settled for 2 years with the person - because I was getting nowhere with anyone and really loved him - but he was still reluctant to call me their girlfriend and had one foot out the door.

I couldn't figure out what was going wrong or why it had changed since my teens. And I was convinced there was something fundamentally wrong with me as to why these men didn't want anything more with me.

Eventually after therapy and reading into attachment theory I realised I was always getting involved with avoidant types. I suspect you're experiencing the same. A lot of attachment theory books will say this is happening because you are an anxious attacher and have work to do on yourself but I don't think this is necessarily the case. As you get older the majority of men in the dating pool are just avoidant types - that's why they're still in the dating pool and not in a long-term relationship! They are unable to make it work with anyone! And that's why you keep meeting the same men over and over!

In the end I went on like 30 first dates and met someone who was just a normal guy with a secure attachment who was looking to settle down. I was 31 at the time. So there are some good guys out there in the sea of avoidant men! And then it was honestly just simple. Simple getting him to call me his girlfriend, simple moving in and settling down. And I don't think it's because I'm his soul mate or doing anything differently to before. It's just because he was a normal guy able to make a commitment and looking for someone and he met me.

My advice would be, look into attachment theory so you can spot the avoidants early (in the first few messages or on date 1). They'll talk about a series of ex girlfriends that have lasted a year or two, having split up because of not committing, usually be very indecisive and vague about what they want from life / what they're looking for. Go on lots of dates and don't commit to anyone until they make it clear they want a relationship with you. I found a lot of these men were keen to be exclusive so they could have a girlfriend experience (and no competition from other men) without the actual commitment - don't do it and keep your options open!

I read it the same as you.

I'd be ok with not being in a relationship, providing other people were also not happily coupled up.

Well, I looked at this way. That she was unhappy with people being in relationships. And I thought why? One may be unhappy that they are single but why be unhappy that others are in relationships?

I could have written @HuongVuong3 's message virtually word for word, except my husband is a divorced father of 3 and we have been together 20 years.

For the reason that was just given. If more people were single there would be fewer people who have what she wants. More people to hang out with, less emphasis in the world in general in coupledom.

Makes perfect sense.