To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

Well, you probably are a bit desperate. The vast majority of single people are. It's very natural to feel left out if you are single and everyone around you has partners. Nothing wrong with yearning for the love of a partner at all or not wanting to feel lonely.
Unfortunately people don't just fall from the sky when you least expect it. You have to actively search for them, which isn't easy!
Keep doing the same thing and you get the same results, so perhaps try something different? Can you join any clubs/ hobbies? Have you got friends with single friends to socialise with? Unfortunately, many men don't feel so rushed to settle down. My friends found men in London to be the worst as many were still house sharing and having fun. When my friends did find someone on their mid thirties though, they settled down very quickly.

The thing is OP..what if you get the man and the marriage, goal accomplished, huzah...and then it still goes to shit later or worse with kids? 1:2 marriages end in divorce..the truth is...you've put it all on such a very high pedestal and seen to suggest this is the only way you can achieve happiness. How do you know that everyone you see in a marriage/LTR is happy and that this was the making of them? Many people settle for complete rubbish men just so they can have that 'badge' or the dream wedding. This is another reason why people are saying you should make yourself happy first as a priority. You are obviously not happy because you've said you've considered suicide. Dating a pool of mainly emotionally unavailable men (hello OLD!) when you are at your lowest ebb is surely only going to make your mental state worse and just falsely confirm your suspicions.

There are lots of reasons why you haven’t found someone to settle down with. And it maybe as simple as you haven’t met someone compatible at the right time.

But, perhaps, there is something that is putting potential partners off, or preventing them seeing you as a long-term option. Or is there a reason you are attracting men who aren’t looking for a long-term relationship?

I would say that one of the things that struck me from your OP is how very angry you are, mainly aimed at men for “denying” you a long-terming relationship and impacting your mental health. Firstly, no-one is owed a relationship with someone. I would also doubt you’d want to be stuck with man that isn’t wholeheartedly committed to a relationship with you.

That said, I think that if I met a man who was overtly angry and resentful of women as a group because he hadn’t managed to find a long-term partner yet, I would absolutely not pursue a relationship with him. I’m sure you are not actively saying to men what you’ve said here, but they might be picking up that vibe. They might be willing to give it a shot or to have something casual- or perhaps your anger/resentment might not come through on the first few dates, but eventually they pick up on it.

The other thing that stood out to me is that you do make a point of saying several times that you feel that these men are not anything special/you are out of their league in terms of attractiveness and/or success/ accomplishments. Might that be the issue? They become aware that you believe you are “out of their league” and think that you are settling for now but might move on if something better comes along. Or they might not agree with your assessment and “get the ick”, or be a bit insulted. Alternatively, they might agree with you and think that it simply won’t last because of that, or feel a bit insecure or intimidated by you.

A friend of mine was having issues holding down a longer term relationship. She, too, is intelligent, has an interesting career, is attractive etc. She is also very confident in many ways. The thing I noticed that she would also say things like “I’m just going for ordinary/nothing special etc, so I can’t see why they don’t want me”. Sometimes she had a point- the man she went on a date with could be said to be “punching” in terms of attractiveness, career success or whatever combination of factors. But sometimes I wouldn’t have agreed with her assessment entirely. Anyway, I set her up with a friend of mine/DH’s. I’d told him about how great she was but he was seriously unimpressed and said he couldn’t tally my opinion of her with how she’d come across to him. My friend (unwittingly) basically made it clear that she thought of herself as a bit of a catch (she is) and she was out of his league so he was lucky she was prepared to give him a chance- and she implied that she was doing so as she “isn’t holding out for someone out of the ordinary”. In his words- “I might not be Brad Pitt, an astronaut, or a millionaire, but I would like my potential partner to think I am a bit more than unremarkable and nothing special”. And I get that- I think most of us know where we “rank” but it would be nice if the person we are dating thought they were interesting/attractive/“something special”- even if you are aware you aren’t going to win a beauty contest or have Hollywood actor good looks and physique.

My friend wanted to know why things hadn’t gone well and was pretty shocked when I said she implied that she thought he wasn’t “on a par” with her and that he was mediocre/just ordinary, so he felt there was nothing to move forward with. She had liked him, did think he was interesting and witty but hadn’t realised that she was coming across as “I’m fabulous, you’d be lucky to have me. You are ordinary, but I’ll settle for that”. She has now toned it down a bit- she is still confident and clear about her own worth, but not by knocking her date down a peg it two. She has a lovely boyfriend now (though still relatively new). My point is that perhaps you are sending signal signals that you don’t mean to or coming across in a way you aren’t aware of? Perhaps you could ask a close friend for an honest opinion (if you want one)?

I do hope you feel more positive soon and I think the counselling/therapy you are waiting on might help you feel more at peace with yourself.

You mentioned you may explore therapy. Honestly it’s so worth it. I’ve also found life coaching to help me hugely.
throwing something out of left field here but therapy helped me realise my problems in relationships are because I am neurodivergent and once I got diagnosed this was game changing for me and my mental health and in some ways my relationships.

There is something in the way you post that makes me ponder if you are also undiagnosed ND too and that could be really valuable to investigate and possibly help you eventually accept yourself for you and also find more of your tribe.

Iwilldrawjapan
Honestly, I would abandon the thread.
As soon as the goads see a popular thread they are on to it.
They dress it up as opinions and advice, and 'ooh I don't understand' to be able to vent their nastiness. Every popular thread.
I hope there has been something on here that has been useful, just believe it isn't you, it is the circumstances around you. I hope you can change some of those. Why would you not keep trying? Who leaves life to chance?
For all of those who want to be in a loving relationship and haven't found it yet, it's just a tedious matter of keep looking, try new ways. Make a plan.
I hope it is soon.
Ignore the goads.

No, she sounds like she's pissed off and sad that her attempts to form a long-lasting relationship haven't been productive. An entirely understandable sadness and anger. That she's venting about whilst also getting on with what sounds like a full life. Just missing a big thing. It's not unreasonable or in any way unusual to be sad about not having a relationship.

people need to stop with the ‘you need to work on yourself/how was your relationship with your dad’ nonsense as it reads that you’re only gonna find love if you’re in the best possible place with your life, which simply isn’t true. Some of my best friends were actually in the worst places of their lives with they met their husbands; one had extreme anxiety (still does 25 Years on), one was still married and so was her partner etc etc

finding love is 100% luck. It is entirely absolutely luck. You’re not too independent, or too desperate, or too demanding or anything like that. It’s simply a game of luck

i an 45 Years old and I hear you as im in a similar position. Haven’t had a serious relationship for yeeears. And I can 100% tell you that the issue is not with me. I just haven’t met anyone who I like enough/they like me enough. That’s all.

I hear you completely. I too struggled all my younger years to find that matching lasting relationship and eventually chalked it down to my neurodiversity, partly and my lack of interest/ability in being a career mum. I'm 51 now and entered into a relationship with a man from the USA who is also ND and had similar values and struggles. We meet a few weeks a year over me there and him here and whilst it's not conventional, it works and allows us both time for hobbies/interests/alone time we both need and so on. So whilst I am in an exlusive relationship, I live the semi single life in ways.

I get sick to the back teeth of the prejudice single or unmarried people face. Even here it gets used a lot to insult/gaslight "no wonder you're single". Like everyone who is married is perfect. Or there's not all sorts of shitty people managing to hold down relationships. If people weren't bullied so much for being single, maybe more people would opt to leave said shitty/toxic relationships.

"Oh, if you don't love yourself, no one else will and don't date until your mental health is fixed". Maybe the fix for mental health for many IS simply circumstances of feeling connected through a partner or friends who have the time for us and so on. We can keep loving ourselves but obviously it's hard as it's the society around us and how people react to us is what builds those "more confident" experiences. People can only do so much.

"The grass isn't greener. Marrage and kids are hard etc". I get it's hard at times and the comments come from a good place of heart but ultimetely, it's sold as a society as "greener" as most people are forking out THOUSANDS to make their relationships legal along with everyone else who knows them paying large amounts to celebrate too over it all. So it's a privilege of sorts.

It's perfectly understandable to wish the people around you were single, too. Just to want the human connection side of things people take for granted in the world of marriage, kids and so on.

I'd be happy to be friends with you and put the world to rights and chat about this topic in depth, if you ever want to reach out :-)

But she is blaming men for he mental health, it not mentioned what has caused this.

But yeah if you don't want to hear opinions don't post, it's a forum to post, and it's in I am being unreasonable.

The people who need therapy are the people who feel they should hurt and goad a person who is merely venting her frustration.
But then you know that.
I cannot be bothered to argue with you.

You miss the point. That was the good advice on how to meet decent men. Let me simplify. Stop simply TRYING to meet them and get out there and just meet lots of people and be your best self by enjoying yourself!! Because this is what makes you magnetic.

I'm not sure people are making random assumptions, they're just responding to things you've said:

• that life is unfair because you're deprived of what comes to others easily (how do you know it came to them easily?)
• you've thought of ending your life over this
• that you're angry about it
• that you can't trust men anymore
• it's a man's world and all women are socialised into playing game to get a man interested
• you're sick of facebook photos of your friends being happy with their families

Your thread title literally states that you think your future depends on whether a man deems you good enough.

People are posting these response because of how your messages are coming across.

The OP sounds obsessed with getting a man she needs therapy

The woman says she is almost driven to suicide because she she thinks she 'cannot get a man' and you think she's absolutely fine then? No therapy required to work on herself according to you? Ok then... Funny how a lot of people are saying the same thing as me. People with the benefit of hindsight. If you don't want to hear peoples opinions on how to help because you find them hard to hear, don't post. I can only answer base on my own experience and of people I know, that was my experience. Under natural conditions and not online dating, people met when they were feeling happy and confident. This is when you are most open I guess? I don't know why it works.

'I've read the thread and I agree with others it sounds like you need therapy and to decenter men and the male gaze from your life. I'm soon to be 26 and my oldest friend is 38 I know plenty of single women in their 30s
Once I decentered men from my life honestly it was refreshing focus on your career and friendships you can never have enough friends!
Can you pay for therapy?'

and ignore the goad. After you have decentred the male gaze, of course. FFS!

I've read the thread and I agree with others it sounds like you need therapy and to decenter men and the male gaze from your life. I'm soon to be 26 and my oldest friend is 38 I know plenty of single women in their 30s

Once I decentered men from my life honestly it was refreshing focus on your career and friendships you can never have enough friends!

Can you pay for therapy?

OP is perfectly confident. She is not accepting mediocre men.
Op does not need advice on how to be single. Most people wanting a relationship do not need advice on being single.
It is extremely patronising to tell people to embrace their singledom.
Good advice would be suggestions on how to meet decent men, or advice on unexplored opportunities.

Oh op! You need to find the confidence to be single & not accept mediocre men. 80% of my friends are ‘settling’ & not happy. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know many singles, hold your standards high.

I am currently single, I could go out & get ‘someone’ (or change my FB status to single, that gets them crawling in🤣) but I refuse to just get anyone.

Strengthen your friendship group & enjoy your very short life. You’re still very young really. You sound lovely.

Namechangey23
Your post is full of assumptions. I cannot be bothered to answer them all.
My friend was actually grieving, not living her best life.
I managed to meet mine over 20 years ago, I was looking. He was the needle in the haystack.
OP does not need to work on herself - how patronising is that.

I agree with the poster about not sleeping with a man too soon. I think definitely wait 3-6 months. After 3 months a person of either sex should be able to say whether they see a long term future eith the other person. Yes not definitely get married straightaway but able to say they can see it going somewhere not just recreational. I also think around the 3rd date you should very casually mention that you are looking for someone to settle down and have a family with. Yes men will find it scary and some might run. But actually it needs out the one who definitely don't want that. I said it to my husband quite clearly on. He reminds from time to time and laughs about me being a psycho. However, although unnerved, he liked me enough to stay and commit to me and we got married a year and a half after meeting.
I really think hold back on sleeping together. Be nice because men do want a nice girl to marry and be the mother of their kids. However have boundaries. Not only will men use you for sex they will so use you for company, comfort, if they dont fancy going to an event cinema football match by themselves etc. Good luck.

What are your mental health problems caused by men.

@Iwilldrawjapan

Did you think that my suggestion of volunteering might work for you, OP?

I'm thinking that, the more people you come into contact with, the more likely you are to meet someone who appeals to you and who would like to get to know you.

https://www.liverpoolwomens.nhs.uk/get-involved/become-a-volunteer/

its also clear the op isn’t engaging in this conversation.

Holy fuck, can you hear yourself? Would you engage in pleasant conversation with people piling on to attack you, ripping apart your character and every sentence you type, and generally revelling in their own spitefulness?

I sincerely doubt it and I am embarrassed for you and all the other people on this thread having such fun attacking a stranger who's struggling.