To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

I’ve been single from age 30 - 43 except for x2 six month flings that never ended up going anywhere.

I'm attractive, great career, adult son, financially free…. It’s strange! But then I’ve done shit loads of work on myself and can spot a red flag a mile away and tbh, I have such a good life it’s got to be someone really special and no one has been, until now.

met someone 6 weeks ago, who’s amazing, so far the man of my dreams so I’m now thinking I’m glad I’ve been single all this time!

@Iwilldrawjapan
You may say you're not desperate but, to me and some others, you are coming across as desperate.

You can say you're not desperate as much as you like but saying it doesn't mean it's true.
If posters can sense desperation through a small amount of written words, then it is likely-that in real life-it is coming across even more strongly.

When I read your title, I thought you were going to say that you were up for a job in a traditionally male environment, that those who decided on whether or not to give you the job were all men but no, it was a complete overstating.

Your future does not depend on whether a man "deems" you good enough and if you really think it does and that doesn't come off you in wafts, then you are deluding yourself.

Not many people want to think , in the early days, that someone is circling the waggons, hoping to tie them down and make their future worth living. It smacks as if you are on the prowl for someone to give validity to your life-no bugger wants that apart from a few sad sacks.

You describe an otherwise good life-your future does not depend upon a man-don't be silly and over-dramatic. It is desperate.

Get on with your life-enjoy it. If you find someone-or they find you-that's an extra and remember-when you're down- many women just'settle' anyway for men that I wouldn't piss on-you read about them on here all the time.

If you are determined to turn your one precious life into a quest to find a man who "deems you good enough" then put a high value on yourself: every relationship has a kisser and a kissed-make sure you're the kissed.

Your future depends on you.

Echoing many on this thread- stop looking at everyone else. Many of the ones in couples probably feel like strangling their partners on a daily basis. And there are loads of single men and women- Google the stats. But this is all irrelevant- essentially you’ve got to work out what you want to do and stop comparing yourself to what you see as the happy majority.

Honestly it sounds to me that you are young and you just might not have met the right person yet. But also honestly uou might never meet them. I have quite a few friends who are lovely, attractive, financially independent and are still single in their 40s. Mostly they are completely fine with it and have happy, fulfilled lives. So in your position I would try to plan what you need to do to be in that space yourself, whether it’s jobs, kids, family, relocation. Plan your life in the expectation you may not meet the right guy. Including therapy etc if you think that will help.

I would say that the majority of my friends never had someone fall madly in love with them- often it was friends who got closer or OLD where they clicked after a while.

I'm autistic, with plenty of autistic relatives who lived until their 90s and never married, so while the old "you'll meet someone eventually when you least expect it" might be true for some people, I've also witnessed first hand how it doesn't work for many people.

Do you have brothers? Male friends? Basically a male perspective on how you're coming across to other men. Because we're all just guessing here.

Any chance you're missing that people are showing you that they're interested in you but you haven't noticed. My husband had to ask me out 3 times before I realised he fancied me (I have an autism diagnosis for a reason).

You mention that you tend to date men that are earning less than you. That's great. But it might be part of the issue due to male insecurity. I work in a really male dominated STEM area - my degree intimidated men, my job intimidates men. Those men were not right for me. Men say they want a strong, intelligent, well-paid, "got all their ducks in row" kind of woman and then when faced with her they run away. I needed to find a man who wasn't intimidated by me.

Good luck, feel free to discount anything I've said that's wrong and irrelevant. As I say, we're all just guessing here.

The single best thing you could do is get off Facebook. Completely. Deactivate your account. What is the point of it? It’s either people showing off an unrealistic, highly filtered image of their lives or spying on each other - or both. Your MH would improve markedly if you stop comparing yourself to lives of others (which are often misrepresented!)

“Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.”

OP, the key phrase there is “SEEMS TO”

People have all sorts of motivations for getting into relationships and holding on for dear life (whether it’s a good match or not). At least half of these guys who seem to be falling madly in love with their woman are just desperate to find a mummy replacement / emotional support human. As is evident from the MN discussion boards. Comparing yourself with others is understandable but futile. Many women in apparently loving relationships would give their eye teeth for your freedom. 🙂🙃

I thought you were "out".

Better work on that pigeon flounce, mate. 🙄

Oh, don't be silly. You just come across as a bit unhinged and catastrophizing based on your own narrow experience.

The patriarchy sucks. But this kind of comment doesn't help.

Unwise to say " guarantee". The best, and nicest person I know is long term single at 64.

I’m not sure this thread is very helpful. You’ve said you’re already waiting for therapy so there must be some sort of identified need there even if it is by you.

Try that then see where you are.

If you really feel you have been rejected you need a slightly different approach

are you actually rejecting them if they won’t commit to a relationship / girlfriend soon enough for you ?
if u had waited before pulling the plug would it have worked

with the next reasonable man ( and he will pop along shortly) try taking it a little slower perhaps and give it 4 /6 months if all else is well - maybe u are rejecting them before u feel they could reject u ?

What???

You started this thread with "my mental health is in tatters" then move on to "why does no one want me" to "I'll try fostering a child instead" to "I'm confident, and I have dumped some men, why is everyone picking on me"! You sound unhinged!

Get a grip! People are telling you to work on yourself because you need it! How can you possibly foster a child if your own mental health is in tatters?

I may have picked you up wrong but are all the men you're dating under 30?

Liking this post. Gives me hope as well lol

Also, just to add... I know 3 people who had their 1st baby at 40 and went on to have 2 more. I know others who had their 1st baby at 40 and had 1 more. I had my 2nd at 42. Don't give up! 😀

OP, I was like you. Single all through my 20s. I was very attractive (I can say that now in in my 50s 🙂), lots of friends, a nice, fun person. I would have loved a relationship but it just didn't happen. I met my DH at 30 and we've been together 22 years now, with 2 kids. I have a friend who was single for 20+ years, she has an absolutely fabulous life now with her partner. She was also very lonely, looking for a relationship. It happens, even for those like us. We just had to wait longer. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel, I understand it. All the best ❤️

@Iwilldrawjapan

Deep down, what do you think the reason is that you’re still single?

Don’t brush this off with “If I knew the answer to that, why would I be here?”

Being super-honest with yourself (as you are the person who has the deepest insight into your situation, far more so than any of us), of you HAD to give a reason, what do you think it would be?

I'm so sorry you're going through this and feeling like that. People on this thread are not really being sympathetic with you.

I can somewhat understand because I was single for most if my 20's, and most friends/family around me were getting married or had LTR.

In my case, I noticed my problem was the looks, not thin enough. I lost a lot of weight for my health first, I had started to get knee pain and doctors only tell you to lose weight. Anyway, after that I started to get dates, but after wasting my time with someone for 2 years (This person didn't want any commitment) I decided never again and I would only date someone that I could see myself long term in a serious relationship. That means, if OLD you chat for longer before meeting to confirm your values and outlook for life align.

If a work colleague asked me out but I know them and knew it wouldn't last, I would reject them straight away. No more wasting time.

So, I had minimum dates but met my DH like that. From the very beginning I would tell them I'm only looking for serious relationships, I know most men get scared with that, but it's a way of filtering the good ones.

I know it's a cliche but the moment you meet your person you will know, things will flow and things won't be so hard between you too. Hard to explain.

On another note, 2 of my best friends settled. Both of them were already dating what is their DH now, but still trying to upgrade. At the end, they didn't find someone better, married and both got pregnant within a year or two. I wouldn't recommend this but at the end of the day they wanted to be mothers so saw that as a solution, although they are still married after a few years.

I also had another group of work friends who were on their late 40's and single, never married. They all looked beautiful, were good people, had stable and somewhat successful jobs. I think some men would tell them they thought they were high maintenance just because they were looking after themselves (gym, beauty salons, spa, etc) , which is completely wrong of course. It was their own money so they could spend it however they wanted.

Best of luck!

I don't know the answer. I do know it's less than 99% of people in relationships, but there are times when it doesn't feel like it. The world is mostly built for couples and there have been times when being single I'd clearly difficult for other people (I particularly remember being sat on the children's table at a cousin's wedding.)

I'm 52. I've been single most of my adult life, and most of the time I have been in relationships, they've been long distance, so effectively single except for about one weekend a month. It is particularly difficult in your early 30s because nearly everyone is getting married and having children - i was mostly dealing with my parents dieing. One of my friends, now divorced, says he mostly got married because everyone else was doing it.

That's not really the best reason to do it, and being single has meant I haven't had to put up with physical abuse, alcoholism (apart from my mother, that is,) or any other crap friends have had to deal with in their relationships.

I quite like living alone. I come home from work to peace. Any mess is mine. I have time to go to yoga, a language class, other things. I have a lot of friends, though not all are local, but I often catch up with one or other of them at weekends. The lack of physical touch can be hard going at times, but I didn't come from a tactile family.

Life is far from perfect, but then most friends who are in relationships spend some time complaining about their spouses - it's just a different stressful being single. And if I want sex, there's always Tinder or Ann Summers.

So I do okay. I haven't always been okay about it and did about 4 years therapy after my mother died. In some ways it's easier now there's no chance of children. I think it makes dating easier, because that question is there in your twenties and thirties.

It still puzzles me, though. Plenty of people less good-looking than me get married - I'm not a stunner, but I'm not hideous, either. I'm fittish. I'm intelligent and educated, solvent, capable of many things, sometimes funny, can listen well. I think I would have made a brilliant partner. But it never happened. Last year, an old friend visited - I've known him since I was 9, and he was my first kiss, though that is old history, nearly 4 decades ago - he said, "I was always surprised you never got married," and I don't know why he was - it's not like I spent all my time turning men down. No one ever asked. I might have said no, I don't know, but - no one ever asked. And he knows my history, so why is he surprised?

You already know there are advantages to being single - focus on those things. Do the things you want to do. I've got quite a good life - any man in it has to enhance it, because I don't need them. I have a roof over my head, I have my own income, I'm great at entertaining myself and I have lots of friends. You will be all right too.

Absolutely
Finding love is not about finding someone to fall in love with you. It's about falling in love with someone else and almost immediately being comfortable being your true self around them....and vice versa.
I think OP is waiting for someone to declare undying love without feeling it herself.

OP you are so full of contradictions it's almost like you are doing it deliberately to be provoking.

You seem to have a high opinion of yourself...which is brilliant but in your posts it comes across as bragging tbh. How much better you are than the men you date you should be considered out of their league. You say you are going for normal guys....but you labour this point. Married men try it on...but only 3 of them. You have rejected men because they got pushy when you politely rejected them...??

I mean tbh...you talk about being successful and earning more than the men you date owning your own home (1 bed flat in Liverpool) but in another thread you talk about how you are not well off.

Ultimately there are only 3 possible states....in a long term relationship, single and not looking, or dating/single.
Everyone was/is single and has been "rejected" multiple times right up until they end up in a long term relationship.

OP, did you also start the other thread on whether you could foster in a 1 bed property? You had mentioned on here that you would like to foster. If so, then it does seem like a very ill thought out rash plan. It would almost certainly pay less than your current job. You have no experience of raising children. Raising children is much harder as a single parent. If you were serious about being a foster parent you would have researched the issue and known that a 1 bed flat would be inadequate. Also, foster children are not there for the purpose of keeping you company until you find someone. If it's not you on the thread, apologies, although most of the above points remain valid. The fact that you would even consider fostering seems like a rather selfish decision to be honest.

I've been single for 6 years and am 46 now. It's tough.

Are you on the wrong thread, she’s clearly stated she’s wanted these men to become official with her, the men said no. Not her.

and you keep writing goads/the goad like it’s a thing. Simply as you don’t like others opinions.

at least pay her the respect of reading her posts.

Of the top of my head, I've known four women who were beautiful, funny, clever, kind and successful and for whom a relationship never happened. What I think they had in common was that they were guarded. When it came to developing closeness, even just as friends, there was a sense of them withholding. There was warmth, but no intimacy. I don't know what the answer is, but vulnerability and authenticity figure in it somehow.