Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

562 replies

Iwilldrawjapan · 23/06/2024 10:18

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwilldrawjapan · 23/06/2024 10:30

livingnight · 23/06/2024 10:27

Hi so firstly it's luck of the draw. When you met your person you meet your person, I have been incredibly lucky.

People aren't going to tell you their husband/ bf actually treats them like shit or was fucking around on tinder for months after they got together at their engagement party. Your gonna get peoples highlight reel.

I met my partner at the right time, in a random place and under slightly odd circumstances. I couldn't have planned it or foreseen it. It was also my second marriage and in hindsight my first marriage we were spectacularly badly matched.
You will find that there is a cycle of marriages babies and divorces and then recouping new relationships in a few years. You just haven't lived long enough to see the cycle.

I know what you're saying and I hear you it's shit. But all I can say is that being unhappily alone is much better than living with someone who you're legally and maybe financially tied to who treats you like crap. People won't tell you about that part - it's frowned upon to slag your husband off to your pals. You may find some of these couples aren't actually as happy as they appear.

Apparently the divorce rate is quite high yet a lot of people seem to find their 'person' and it's just all so wonderful.
I don't think I deserve all this bad luck, I've never cheated or anything close, I'm a good person.

I agree being alone is better than with the wrong person, but I've never had anything longer than 4 years, and friends my age are coming up to nearly 10 years together.

OP posts:
minipie · 23/06/2024 10:29

You don’t sound desperate

You do sound incredibly angry, maybe that is coming across

I also think wanting someone to become obsessed with you or fall madly in love with you is maybe setting the bar a bit high

More likely though, it’s just bad luck and timing. Early 30s yes a lot of people are coupled up as you say. The men who are single at this age are the ones who aren’t interested in commitment and/or want to date 21 year olds, which makes the pool thinner for you. There are a few exceptions, couples do split for example and then want to find someone else but your timing has to be right. It’s tough.

VillageLifeIsTricky · 23/06/2024 10:29

Either I'm having déjà vu or there was an almost identical post to this a couple of weeks ago..

MissPeaches · 23/06/2024 10:28

keeptryinggirl · 23/06/2024 10:23

do you work? friends? socialise? hobbies?

Did you even read the post??

livingnight · 23/06/2024 10:27

Hi so firstly it's luck of the draw. When you met your person you meet your person, I have been incredibly lucky.

People aren't going to tell you their husband/ bf actually treats them like shit or was fucking around on tinder for months after they got together at their engagement party. Your gonna get peoples highlight reel.

I met my partner at the right time, in a random place and under slightly odd circumstances. I couldn't have planned it or foreseen it. It was also my second marriage and in hindsight my first marriage we were spectacularly badly matched.
You will find that there is a cycle of marriages babies and divorces and then recouping new relationships in a few years. You just haven't lived long enough to see the cycle.

I know what you're saying and I hear you it's shit. But all I can say is that being unhappily alone is much better than living with someone who you're legally and maybe financially tied to who treats you like crap. People won't tell you about that part - it's frowned upon to slag your husband off to your pals. You may find some of these couples aren't actually as happy as they appear.

Justawaterformeplease · 23/06/2024 10:27

It’s clear from your post though that you ARE very much looking.

Original poster
Iwilldrawjapan · 23/06/2024 10:26

jeaux90 · 23/06/2024 10:23

Socialisation does a real number on us OP.

To expect all those things because they are normal.

Personally I think you've done all the important things, become independent financially etc

I didn't meet anyone decent until I was 46, been a lone parent and career focussed until then.

Definitely that. I wish more people chose to be single, then I wouldn't feel like the odd one out.
I'm sure not every one of these couples is blissfully happy despite what they try to portray ok social media, but still.
Mid 30s is a very difficult age to be single.
I've honestly thought of ending my life over this. I won't, but it hurts to never be enough.

I think I'm great but these men never do.

OP posts:
NotAgainWilson · 23/06/2024 10:26

One book for you: “why men
marry bitches?”

The Book is not about being a bitch, it is about valuing and respecting yourself by understanding what men value and what they don’t AND putting in place good boundaries to avoid being the woman men use just for fun (that doesn’t necessarily mean you will become more attractive but will help you to stop wasting time in men that don’t care enough).

Original poster
Iwilldrawjapan · 23/06/2024 10:24

keeptryinggirl · 23/06/2024 10:23

do you work? friends? socialise? hobbies?

Yes to all of the above. I can fill my life to the brim but it's just no substitute.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 23/06/2024 10:23

Socialisation does a real number on us OP.

To expect all those things because they are normal.

Personally I think you've done all the important things, become independent financially etc

I didn't meet anyone decent until I was 46, been a lone parent and career focussed until then.

keeptryinggirl · 23/06/2024 10:23

do you work? friends? socialise? hobbies?

Original poster
Iwilldrawjapan · 23/06/2024 10:19

I can't explain why they don't like me enough. They seem to really like talking to me and find me physically attractive, but just don't want more.

I'm not bombarding them with messages, declaring love immediately or anything nutty, I'm just constantly met with lukewarm men..

Or, I'm an ego boost for married men.

OP posts: