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Original poster

To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

562 replies

Iwilldrawjapan · 23/06/2024 10:18

The main source of my mental health problems has been men.
I'm 33 years old and except for my very first boyfriend aged 18, who I left when I was 20, no guy has ever fallen madly in love with me.

I'm fully aware I don't need a man in my life to be happy but I'm only human and it's natural to want a connection with somebody. Not that it's attractive to admit that, mind. You're supposed to not be looking at all and absolutely love being single until someone unexpectedly falls into your lap, otherwise you're 'desperate'.

I'd be ok with it if more people chose to be single, however I hardly know anyone who's single, every bloody person I know is with someone, especially at this age, this is the worst age for me.

Men like me and find me attractive, they just don't want to date me seriously/don't want to marry me/just don't fall in love.

Everyone seems to have some guy become absolutely obsessed with them and just really want to marry them.
Guys mainly use me for an ego boost but I'm just not the one for them.

People sprout mindless fucking clichés at me all the time 'Oh it'll happen when you least expect it!' well here's the thing, I'm not 'expecting' it at all, and guess what, nobody's fallen into my lap.

'Just go online!' like it's that easy, it really isn't.
I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

I'm really not desperate, I'm sure someone will be along to tell me I'm coming across as desperate but I have turned down men too, I would not date just anyone.
My standards are not too high, either. If anything I'm very likely considered out of these men's leagues. They're just very ordinary, average men, but I liked them.

People I've dated have either not wanted a relationship after 2 months, or not wanted a bigger commitment after a few years.

Life isn't fair I guess, people will tell me to 'love myself first ' and all the usual crap. Having 10,000 hobbies is no replacement for a happy relationship. I'm sick of seeing the happy couple photos on Facebook, posing with their husband and holding the baby.

Maybe I will meet someone, but for 13 years I've had bad luck. I've never been anyone's 'one'.

I can't have a child alone, I don't have local family, I can't afford to be a single parent financially or otherwise, period.

Honestly, my mental health has been shot to pieces. Life still has meaning, but it's unfair that I'm deprived of what seems to come so easily to other people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwilldrawjapan · 23/06/2024 10:43

Newnamesameoldlurker · 23/06/2024 10:40

How is your relationship with your dad, OP?
I share your anger about the narrative that as women we have to act like we don't care about this and we're so happy single, to not seem 'desperate'. Society is still rife with misogyny

My relationship with my Dad's fine that I know of, he is 60 and has been with my Mum for 35 years.

OP posts:
keeptryinggirl · 23/06/2024 10:42

Iwilldrawjapan · 23/06/2024 10:41

I've never dated a married man and never would. They tried flirting with me when they were having marriage problems but I told them where to go, I should've been clearer in my post.

I am on a therapy waiting list so maybe that would help.

I don't know if people quite understand. It's not 1 or 2 men, it's been like this for 12 years.

Show quote history

you say you have slept with multiple married men

Original poster
Iwilldrawjapan · 23/06/2024 10:42

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/06/2024 10:40

Have you got a good girlfriend you trust to be honest with you who might give you some thoughts on why things haven’t gone as you wanted with previous relationships? Are you getting help with your mental health? I agree that the way you’re expressing yourself sounds quite extreme and worrying. You describe a life that reflects hard work, success, investment, but if you’re also really thinking about suicide you’re not in the right place to date anyone.

What’s the stuff about married men and being angry they don’t leave their wives? Have you been seeing a married man? That’s going to make you feel even worse about yourself.

As I said no, I'd never date a married man. In my life I've had 3 try it on with me, and I told them where to go.

OP posts:
Ilovegoldies · 23/06/2024 10:41

I could have written your post at the same age. You aren't doing anything wrong at all. I did eventually get married. At 51. If you use tiktok I would recommend following Shani Silver. She has a lot to say about the subject.
Oh and ignore the poster who says that you probably are coming across as desperate. I'll bet you aren't. It's really shit OP and tbh meeting my husband was pure luck.

Original poster
Iwilldrawjapan · 23/06/2024 10:41

JustPleachy · 23/06/2024 10:39

I get that this is a cliche but … meant kindly, have you considered having some therapy about this?

Being frustrated because someone hasn’t fallen head over heels in love with you, and considering suicide because of it … those are not normal feelings about this.

If nothing else, they are likely to be coming through as red flags in your relationships, and thereby decreasing the odds of you finding what you are looking for. Same with dating married men.

I've never dated a married man and never would. They tried flirting with me when they were having marriage problems but I told them where to go, I should've been clearer in my post.

I am on a therapy waiting list so maybe that would help.

I don't know if people quite understand. It's not 1 or 2 men, it's been like this for 12 years.

OP posts:
Offcom · 23/06/2024 10:41

Are you currently doing online dating? If so, what’s the gist of your profile?

Newnamesameoldlurker · 23/06/2024 10:40

How is your relationship with your dad, OP?
I share your anger about the narrative that as women we have to act like we don't care about this and we're so happy single, to not seem 'desperate'. Society is still rife with misogyny

Boobettes · 23/06/2024 10:40

Iwilldrawjapan · 23/06/2024 10:37

It's not because I am not currently in a relationship. It's because I have been rejected by men I liked/loved for 12 years in a row. Despite apparently being nice, attractive and so on. I don't really know anyone else this has happened to.

Show quote history

It reads as kind of the same thing really.

keeptryinggirl · 23/06/2024 10:40

you sounds terrifyingly angry and bitter OP

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/06/2024 10:40

Have you got a good girlfriend you trust to be honest with you who might give you some thoughts on why things haven’t gone as you wanted with previous relationships? Are you getting help with your mental health? I agree that the way you’re expressing yourself sounds quite extreme and worrying. You describe a life that reflects hard work, success, investment, but if you’re also really thinking about suicide you’re not in the right place to date anyone.

What’s the stuff about married men and being angry they don’t leave their wives? Have you been seeing a married man? That’s going to make you feel even worse about yourself.

Original poster
Iwilldrawjapan · 23/06/2024 10:40

keeptryinggirl · 23/06/2024 10:38

how are you meeting all these men op?

When I was younger it was through uni, friends etc.
Now it's through work, OLD, hobbies.
I can't even trust men anymore, if someone does like me I assume they'll only want sex.
It's a man's world despite what anyone says, women are socialised into playing all the right games to get a man interested.

OP posts:
JustPleachy · 23/06/2024 10:39

I get that this is a cliche but … meant kindly, have you considered having some therapy about this?

Being frustrated because someone hasn’t fallen head over heels in love with you, and considering suicide because of it … those are not normal feelings about this.

If nothing else, they are likely to be coming through as red flags in your relationships, and thereby decreasing the odds of you finding what you are looking for. Same with dating married men.

Original poster
Iwilldrawjapan · 23/06/2024 10:39

HuongVuong3 · 23/06/2024 10:37

OP I felt like you at your age and become to accept that I would always be single.
Then, at 38, I met my DH, and we're still very happy together 12 years later.
He had also come to the conclusion that he wasn't going to meet a life partner and is actually 10 years older than me.

Don't give up! My advice is to stop looking; make a nice life for yourself (which you are doing), and you just never know.

You're right, I never know. It's not even a case of not meeting men. It's just that when I do like someone, they don't.
Anyway, I'm sure people on here will continue to say I'm 'desperate'.

OP posts:
keeptryinggirl · 23/06/2024 10:38

how are you meeting all these men op?

Original poster
Iwilldrawjapan · 23/06/2024 10:38

SpringerFall · 23/06/2024 10:36

Maybe they can sense you are desperate? If I felt that about a man I would not date them so I would assume the same about a woman

Genuine people are not attracted to desperate and it may be shown as needy even of you think it isnt

As I clearly said, I am not desperate. It's not desperate to want a connection with somebody.
I am sick to death of hearing that.

OP posts:
HuongVuong3 · 23/06/2024 10:37

OP I felt like you at your age and become to accept that I would always be single.
Then, at 38, I met my DH, and we're still very happy together 12 years later.
He had also come to the conclusion that he wasn't going to meet a life partner and is actually 10 years older than me.

Don't give up! My advice is to stop looking; make a nice life for yourself (which you are doing), and you just never know.

Original poster
Iwilldrawjapan · 23/06/2024 10:37

Boobettes · 23/06/2024 10:34

I've honestly thought of ending my life over this. I won't, but it hurts to never be enough.

This sounds quite extreme OP.

Are you quite an extreme person?

I get your frustration but to even think about taking your own life because you're not in a relationship at 33, is really quite full on.

It's not because I am not currently in a relationship. It's because I have been rejected by men I liked/loved for 12 years in a row. Despite apparently being nice, attractive and so on. I don't really know anyone else this has happened to.

OP posts:
KnickerlessParsons · 23/06/2024 10:37

I met DH when I was 32, in the least expected place. We've been married 30 years now.

SpringerFall · 23/06/2024 10:36

Maybe they can sense you are desperate? If I felt that about a man I would not date them so I would assume the same about a woman

Genuine people are not attracted to desperate and it may be shown as needy even of you think it isnt

Original poster
Iwilldrawjapan · 23/06/2024 10:36

Hateam · 23/06/2024 10:35

I don't think you are currently in the right frame of mind to form a successful relationship. I think you might need to work on yourself before you can consider finding someone. Good luck

Edited

Thanks, but even when I was in a better place mentally it brought me nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iwilldrawjapan · 23/06/2024 10:35

It's just a very normal life experience that seems to happen for so many other people. It's still a man's world, the man chooses a lot of the time.
You have to let them chase, let them decide when they're ready. I am not very feminine, I'm very direct and I don't think a lot of them like that. But I can't change who I am.

OP posts:
keeptryinggirl · 23/06/2024 10:35

op you say your mental health is “shot to pieces”

I wouldn’t be too keen to begin a relationship with anyone who’s mental health is in tatters

Hateam · 23/06/2024 10:35

I don't think you are currently in the right frame of mind to form a successful relationship. I think you might need to work on yourself before you can consider finding someone. Good luck

Boobettes · 23/06/2024 10:34

I've honestly thought of ending my life over this. I won't, but it hurts to never be enough.

This sounds quite extreme OP.

Are you quite an extreme person?

I get your frustration but to even think about taking your own life because you're not in a relationship at 33, is really quite full on.

Original poster
Iwilldrawjapan · 23/06/2024 10:33

minipie · 23/06/2024 10:29

You don’t sound desperate

You do sound incredibly angry, maybe that is coming across

I also think wanting someone to become obsessed with you or fall madly in love with you is maybe setting the bar a bit high

More likely though, it’s just bad luck and timing. Early 30s yes a lot of people are coupled up as you say. The men who are single at this age are the ones who aren’t interested in commitment and/or want to date 21 year olds, which makes the pool thinner for you. There are a few exceptions, couples do split for example and then want to find someone else but your timing has to be right. It’s tough.

I am indeed angry. I'm taking it out on the married men who use me for an ego boost (or try to) like one did a couple of months back.

It just seems like none of them bloody split up.
I just don't see how I could've had bad luck since the age of 21. I had a partner from 21-24 who was verbally and physically abusive, and cheated on me.

Then for 5 years I was good enough to date for 2 months but they just never got feelings.

I'm not going for 6'4 lawyers or doctors by any means! Just very, very normal men.

OP posts: