To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

Some really unpleasant responses on this thread...

I think many women your age are in the same situation: attractive, financially independent with a full life with hobbies and friends, yet can't find a decent partner who can commit.

I think this has a lot to do with:

-online dating: it seems to have made men less willing to commit and obsessed about always looking for someone else
-the fact that many men are still not able to handle successful women.

OP, I think the advice if you are online dating is to not waste too much time on men who are just playing the game and have not intention to commit.

Get rid if there is no progress after a few dates and avoid having sex with them too early. Make your expectations clear from the start: you are looking for someone who can commit and have a family with. Don't settle for the 'let's see where it gets us' or 'let's take things slowly' brigade. Helps filter out the time wasters.

Personally I completely gave up on online dating and I think dating apps/websites do affect people's self-esteem and mental well-being.

It is always better to try to meet people in real life through shared interests/hobby/work/friends.

The op isn’t targeting only these men, she’s dating anyone basically with minor amount of rejections

Why are you only going for men in their 20s? that age are very unlikely to want to commit so early - its a time for testing the waters and dating lots of people to figure out which kind of partner is best for you.

Men in their 20s dont want to think about settling down and kids- thats something most people do when they get to 30 and above. Obviously not all, but generally speaking, most of my male friends didnt settle down long term until into their 30s and were quite immature in their 20s.

You say you cant meet anyone who wants a commitment but that could easily be why- why not broaden your age range (I am NOT saying much older men btw, just someone in their 30s). You also say it wont be different but you dont know that if you haven't tried it.

You seem to be blaming everyone else for your problems, is it really men who have shattered your mental health or is it your choices and seeming desperation that are ruining your mental health.

Everything seems others fault take control and responsibility for your life and stop hanging it on getting a man.

if you hadn’t clarified that you’re a woman

i’d honestly think that this was a scary man angry that no woman wants to be with him

I understand what OP means, though. Women are told from a young age that our beauty is the most valuable thing about us, and that is also definitely reflected in dating patterns and choice of partner. I think where OP is going wrong is actually in dating men who are less attractive and successful than she is. Those men probably have tall poppy syndrome and as OP says, use her for an ego boost before going on to someone whom they feel they can be mediocre around.

Could be something in this, I'm not much older that OP, I'm married and had 2 other serious relationships. I don't recall any conversations about being official, it just naturally progressed and there was an unspoken understanding that we don't see other people.

Some harsh replies on here considering op is hurting and some of y'all decide to overanalyze her mentioning married men to imply she sleeps with them?
Op I was in your situation for years but eventually found someone it can happen unexpectedly but I completely get it feels like shit before you meet them and you think you'll be alone forever. Just keep going you will get there eventually

I'm attractive physically, I have stuff going for me, I travel, I am financially independent, I own property, I have hobbies, good family relationship, I have friends. In other areas of my life all is great.

All of this is great but what are you like as a person? What are you like to spend time with? Are you outgoing, upbeat, fun, spontaneous? Dramatic, depressive, emotionally unavailable, stand offish?

That should have said "why NOT date men 35-45?"

Looking for long term commitment from younger guys in their 20s seems sort of self-defeating. Why bother date men 35-45?

OP
You are getting some good advice here.

I NC for this and honestly, I didn't feel like posting, but then I was known as a dating Guru/ wise counsel by/to friends a result of a combination of being younger and watching and learning from my married friends who were incredibly open about their marriages; career focussed so had to learn Dating101 in my 30s after moving countries and luck of connecting with all sorts so got a quick dating2.0 from friends who had spent more years dating than me. Seeking advice (as you are doing) and listening to ALL feedback although I chose what to follow and when.

Pointers-

1.Look at your title. Reframe your mindset and attitude and stop the 'resentment'
2.Also stop 'believing' men hold key to your destiny. Even your DH will never. You are the master of your own destiny.
3.Good you are waiting on therapy. Please engage with this or go private if you can afford.
4.Nothing wrong with being direct- I too am direct. However, you need to work on being feminine. If a man wanted to be with another man, they would. There are certain things men like about women they marry, and being feminine is one of them. Look, I do all sports and can beat some men at some sports. Was brought up between city and farm- so I am not talking about being girly. As you can see, I can kick ass and be feminine at teh same time. My Dh loves that.
Yes, a divorced DR with 2 PHDs asked me how she can be more feminine as she too was struggling in that department. She said she was thinking of wearing more long skirts- she loved trousers. I said she also needed to be more flirty and not always serious. I can flirt like my life depended on it- if teh situation allows ( I have a job that requires seriousness at all times so hard to meet partner). Even when I know nothing can come out of it. People (men and women) like to be made to feel desirable and wanted. So be kind and generous in your words with all you meet. Don't be husband shopping. Make friends, and who knows.
5.I sense you are very laid back (I have no idea if you become desperate at 2 months mark). But when meeting these men, strike a balance between showing an interest and not being desperate. I can be as cool as a cucumber; so I had to try to meet them half way, so they don't misinterpret my relaxed attitude as being uninterested.
6.I would hold off being intimate soon.
7.I would mix up strategies and feedback and see what happens.
8.One thing you need to be grateful for is that you meet men and even start dating them. At my peak, I wasn't even meeting men (working long hours); and the ones I met, I wouldn't even agree to have coffee with let alone a 2 month relationship with.
9.However, I was the one deciding at 2 or 3 months that it was not for me. Yes, dating is ruthless.
10.You sound like you have options as you have financial independence and hobbies, so why don't you choose men who are likely to want to date you? Not you be unkind, maybe you are the one fishing in wrong pool- this takes a few years until you realise you need to meet men half way. Choose the most important things you want from a man: family, ambition- then focus. If it is someone outgoing, focus on that. I was very clear about what I wanted and what I didn't want. Other things were always negotiable.
A. Are you in London? London dating can be ruthless and can be a draw of luck.
B.I now live between London and the countryside, now I am married, otherwise I would offer to meet for a coffee or two, after you have had meaningful therapy.
good luck. Yes, dating or looking to date is very lonely so you need to not let it take over your life. Have fun with things you enjoy, a long teh way. I travelled; sailed; shopped all designer gears I wanted, bought several properties; climbed mountains and went on safaris; volunteered at a charity, visited family abroad for months (I was self-employed) etc etc. I even got a 2nd masters degree and my career progressed at fastest space imaginable. It is not all bad.

Sorry you feel this way, OP.
Not to speak for you, obviously, but this stuff
IS hugely overrated.

It's a very tricky age to be single, and no platitudes will help. I well remember the feeling of wondering just how it was that nobody worked out for a plethora of spurious reasons. I can't really tell you why I had a decade of crappy relationships (though work travel didn't help) and then one worked out, it really is just luck when you find someone who is not perfect in ways that fit your not being perfect either. Keep on looking, you are still young and have plenty of time.

If a man doesn't do the pursuing, he isn't worth having. I'm like the OP in my expectations: I am a prize to be treasured, beautiful, intelligent, successful. There would be no room in my life for some 5/10 man who thought he was doing me a favour by just being around. I have been married for a long time.

OP, I truly feel for you. I hate to sound complacent, but I got truly lucky and met my person when I was 23. If I hadn't, though, I could have written your post because I felt the way you did from the ages of 19 to 23. I also wasn't going to entertain married or partnered men, nor was I willing to put up with bullshit from time wasters. I think that maybe where you are going wrong is actually setting your expectations too low. I find that average, mediocre men often have tall poppy syndrome and prefer to date women whom they perceive to be 'in their league'. They will mess around with the high achieving beauties, but they will then go back to their safe zone. You deserve someone so much better than that.

Someone happy to have sex op is irrelevant. Some men will have sex whenever it is offered. Any chance they can. Relationships are about much more.

You appear very focused on the fact you're attractive and have material goods and "out of the mens league" but all of that only goes so far. Being physically attracted to someone is what will initially be the attraction, but there needs to be more to build that attraction into genuine feelings and love. Maybe your anger and bitterness and want of obessive love is coming across in ways you don't realise?

Fostering? You say you have mental health problems, scrambling around for a relationship but you want to foster a child!!

I'm seriously calling absolute bullshit on this thread!!

I'm also mid 30s. I've been single for several years by choice because I realised men have caused me nothing but pain. I don't have any family so am literally nobody's priority, which can feel difficult at times. I solved the coming home to an empty flat issue by getting a cat. Best thing I ever did. I no longer have the energy for men's bullshit.

Op. The only thing I can see is you want to go to official with men who are slow fading.

this tells me you cannot read a relationship , at no stage should you be wishing to go official with someone who isn’t interested. You have to question them as you don’t know. This is a huge red flag.

this could indicate you’re more focused on getting a relationship than being remotely interested in them as a person. Going through the motions to get to the status you wish.

thats a huge red flag. Even on here you clearly still can’t see why they didn’t wish to. Figuring if it had been a couple of months then they should wish to call you their girlfriend.

so something is very wrong there. Does that make sense. A relationship develops. Two people talking, sharing their feelings to one another. So there is no confusion. No unknowns.

The list of reasons they are giving you are not honest, it’s just bullshit to save your feelings.