To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

Increasingly I feel that for many men, being ‘good enough for them’ translates to ‘willing to put up with their shit’.

Sympathies, it’s really tough. I second other posters who have suggested therapy as inner work may be helpful for accepting yourself. While on the surface your posts come across as confident, you also express ideas of needing the validation of having a man see you as the one to prove your worth (which is how many of us are socialised). It also seems like you have been settling for the people you’ve been in relationships with in the past, even though you’ve said you liked them. Maybe you’ve been holding yourself back from people you felt unworthy of? As many people have said, a lot of this is time and chance. Worthiness doesn’t really come into it.

Ok so either:

1. All men have made a silent or tacit pact to date you for a couple of months then dump you - despite the fact you’re ’just like’ the women they then go on to marry OR
2. There’s something (and I’m not speculating on what that it) that puts them off after a handful of dates

Which is more likely?

That sounds like you've swallowed the "online dating guru" handbook. Those people's advice is not about finding your perfect match, it's about maximising your numbers so you can find that perfect match through probability.

It's a pretty crap way to go about things; yes, there's often success in there eventually, but there's also a hell of a lot of "feeling shit" along the way, and that's no way to live.

Just as a thought...what are your hobbies, and are there any which involve socialising (eg clubs, teams etc)? Genuine question - have you tried just meeting people along the road of your life and seeing where a developing friendship takes you?

Ok, now we are getting somewhere. So,do,you understand why If,someone isn’t perfect their partner would be crazy about them?

Good men don't. Rubbish men do, because those attributes make them feel threatened.

I'm not being kind, I'm being honest. There is a lot of tall poppy syndrome on mumsnet, as well. People don't like that other people are richer, more attractive, more intelligent, etc, than they are. People are really putting the boot into the OP because she knows her worth.

Honestly. We all know men don’t,reject women they think are beautiful, amazing and successful,. If they think that they hang on to them,

Op. Desperate isn’t an insult.

this is the definition;

desperate
/ˈdɛsp(ə)rət/

adjective

1. feeling or showing a hopeless sense that a situation is so bad as to be impossible to deal with.
2. of a person) having a great need or desire for something

do you not feel it applies?

100% this.

@Iwilldrawjapan you said 'a lot of people seem to find their 'person' and it's just all so wonderful.'

Most relationships aren't like that even reasonably happy ones! And if you have kids, maintaining a relationship is hard work. And kids are hard work.

I miss my single life (I mostly really enjoyed being single). I miss my hobbies. I miss time alone (something I really didn't realise how much I needed until I had a child). I feel like I've lost a lot of what made me me since becoming a mum and I'm still working through this.

My point is not to say I have it rougher than you, but to say we've all got our challenges in life and I don't think it will serve you well to keep this narrative that other people are all just merrily skipping about in their happy families with their 'person'. Which is back to what @curious79 said that "every choice and life path has its pluses and has its minuses."

I also think you need to find a way to find peace with being single. I've seen with some friends where not doing so has led to very poor decision-making re men and relationships.

It is most likely true, though! I don't see how truth is unhelpful to the OP. The truth is not always politically correct.

Iwilldrawjapan,
You are getting the goads and trolls on here now - always happens after a while.
It's not you. You are not looking for anything outrageous or unusual.
It's no wonder you want to vent.

Actually, I'd leave the thread because the responses you are getting now will make you feel worse.
Let the goads have the thread to themselves, but maybe take a look at the serious dating agencies.
Really, it's not you. It's the reality of dating in your thirties, and it can be overcome.

I think I’ve figured out why you’re still single. If you don’t want to take blunt advice there’s no point complaining about it.

As a slight aside from the main topic, I really wouldn't take married men trying it on for attention/ego boost or more as having anything to do with you personally/a reflection of how men see you.

I have had married men flirt and give come on's and act inappropriately from when I joined the workplace at 16/17. It never stops. It's absolutely typical behaviour for a considerable portion of men.

They tend to do it considerably more to women they think are single. I'm guessing because you're seen as available, the fantasy suits them better (they don't have to think about you shagging & spending time with a partner), there's no risk of a partner coming after them if you relay their behaviour, they think that all single people are desperate for attention, sex etc..

There is a really opportunistic, verging on predatory, attitude behind it.

It's entirely a reflection on them, not you.

Good points for discussion here. I think we don't have these conversations enough and it can lead to people settling for the wrong person as they couldn't just say "I feel lonely... I don't know why it's just not working... I am feeling desperate... i want to be loved... friends, job etc,. Aren't enough"

However, it is so hard to formulate a response to that which isn't cliche loaded. But some acknowledgement that it is crap being lonely and becomes harder to meet/connect with people as so much of your time is spent solo - I feel for my DM who has been alone for about 15 years and tbf didn't marry very good men previously. She is so lonely but I do not know what to suggest as she doesn't want to compromise her lifestyle.

Sorry, OP this might not be relevant to you but PP made some good points.

You don't sound angry OP and you don't sound like hard work. I'm shocked at some of the replies here. How to kick a woman when she's down.
How do I know this? Because as I said in my earlier post I could have written this myself at 33. Also at 40. You get my drift. I did everything joined groups, did hobbies etc etc.
I didn't get married until I was 51, met him at 50. He's wonderful and makes me laugh every day. I knew I was lovable in a romantic sense and it was just timing and luck that I met him. There is NOTHING I could have done to make that happen any quicker.

Agree it’s clearly not tall poppy syndrome.,I think the posters were just being kind.

Men in their 20s don’t want to settle down, OP. Look for around the 35-37 mark.

I know a few women (in their 30s) who go for men in their 20s, they like the ‘cute boyband’ look but they’re often a bit mentally immature themselves and as such the relationship usually ends before it really began as both act a bit like children.

It was your comment about Tell me... without telling me...

It seems to me that you don't want to listen to people if they say things you don't want to here.

It may be that these are the people you most need to listen to.

I hear you my lovely. I am an old old woman now but when I was young I found it almost impossible to get and keep a relationship with a man. I had a decade long dry spell and then met my DH at 36, baby at 38. And, not to brag, but I was absolutely georgeous then. I hope it happens for you.

I totally get what you mean op. I think 33 can be a rough age for women dating men. It's traditional settling down age, but most men aren't going to be interested in that till they've known you a few years at least, and then some men choose to settle down with someone late 20s / early 30s, by which time you'll be late 30s. It sucks. Some men do seem to take advantage of the situation as well. I've heard a guy bragging about how all the women he never had a chance with in his twenties are all over him now (in their 30s).

Well, that’s what I thought too. But then you look at the Relationships board and it seems if you don’t make it official it’s assumed you’re FWB and it’s fine to fuck other people. Reason #195393573 I have no interest in dating anymore.

That's such a shitty thing to say.

All the women that have had a ltr with these men are mediocre?

Honestly telling someone ' you are just to amazing and gorgeous and successful for these men, then need medicare women' is shitty and not helpful to the Op at all.