To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

Depending on the circumstance, if a man was constantly dating women who were letting him down, I might say something along those lines. It's less likely, though, because of the differences in dating MO between men and women. I am normally the very first to call out double standards between how men and women are treated, especially on this site which often thinks the worst of men unjustly. However, in this case I don't think you can do a like for like comparison.

No wonder you feel disheartened, I don't blame you! You don't need to meet 10 suitable people, just one is that too much to ask?? (No, obvs). What about one of those paid for dating agencies where that would (hopefully) weed out men not looking to settle down as you now are? Don't think you are sounding desperate just jaded and frustrated by years of bad luck, which is what it really is.

What about a relationship coach? I read an article about this and the journalist in this was very successful after doing this, maybe it can be googled as in my usual way I can't remember the details.

The quality of men out there is poor because of the prevailing view that relationships are temporary and have a shelf life, affairs are acceptable, sex should be on tap and it's easy to walk away from any children you have. A lot of men have a very skewed perspective on what a relationship should be all about.

You're going to have to throw money at this and any man who is also paying to be on a credible site won't be doing it for a quick hook up.

People who are serious about finding a parter take a proactive and professional approach. Look for compatibility first and foremost. This is what keeps you together when the love falters. The heady 'in love' feelings wear off and then you need something to fall back on. Compatibility is vital and provides a strong foundation.

Yes it’s the redflag I referred to earlier. The op is trying to become official with guys who are slow fading, deeming them right for her, without understanding the reality of the relationship

The likelihood is that it's not just one reason, but several.

That's not a damning indictment on you or your personality, just a recognition that not all men have the same thresholds. Ultimately, when you think about the mechanics of it, successful relationships are ones in which both parties' thresholds for red flags are north of the other's problems...because everyone has problems that their partner is going to run up against at some point during their lives together.

The only realistic situation in which it would be the same reason is if you always pick the kind of guy who has a particular "nope", which goes back to what I was saying about your selection criteria.

Hell, it could be as simple as your statement earlier that you're out of the league of most of the guys you've dated, for two opposite reasons. Either you're the kind of woman who believes you're a 10 and makes that clear to everybody (I don't think this is the case from what you've been saying, just mentioning for completeness), or the guys you're picking are aware of this and don't want to always be batting away other guys and wondering if you're going to find someone better after they've invested months/years in the relationship.

You sound like quite a catch to me OP. However, I’m a straight single woman who has lost interest in men for anything other than sex so what do I know. I think that maybe it’s an age thing. You might want to explore dating men who are 35+ and a bit more mature. Guys in their late 20s will probably not be ready for the level of commitment you are looking for and they probably think that you as a mid-30s woman want marriage and kids instantly.

@Iwilldrawjapan

I think that more people are single than you think, OP. I know quite a few who are your age.

Which area of the country are you based in, by the way? I can suggest places where you might meet interesting people in London, but that might be too far away for you.

Are there professional bodies allied to the work you do? I'm wondering whether they hold meetings you could go to.

No one said you needed to be politically correct.

Its not helpful to try and convince it’s just that she better than other women. and it’s not true.

What makes someone a mediocre woman?

Honestly, if a man was saying ‘any women I date doesn’t want a long term relationship’, no one would say ‘it’s cause you are too good for them and then they settle for mediocre cause it makes them happier. They just can’t handle how great you are’

It’s ridiculous.

Most men in their late twenties will already have met someone if they are looking for a committed relationship.

IME these men need to get to the magic age of 36 before they realise everyone around them is now having families and don’t have the time to socialise as much, therefore it’s not so much fun being single anymore. It’s at this age they want to settle down themselves.

Not a scientific study, but a definite pattern I’ve noticed. Look for slightly older men.

it's that I'm wondering why I am not right for any of these men, over the last 12 yearsi

If they were all right for you, you couldn't have been being very particular or critical (?)

Could "I want to settle down and anyone - within reason - will do", be a dynamic that contributed to them ending the relationship?

Don't take the negative answers to heart, OP. As soon as you mentioned that you were attractive and successful, I could have told you how a good number of responses would go. A lot of people on here when HATE women say unapologetically that we are attractive and we know it. Don't let people on here let you think that doesn't count in life. It most certainly does. If you want to DM me at any point, feel free. I'm happy to be a listening ear.

I feel similar to this really.

I can find a partner.. but whenever I get into a relationship there are always issues that I cannot fathom having to put up with - and I'm not one of those people who just ignores every single red flag, either. I just always end up some variety of negative emotion, spanning from unfulfilled to downright miserable.

I also cannot think of a friend or family member whose relationship I would have if I could - there are always big issues in those too. Disrespect, cheating, treating the woman like a maid, lack of sex, no effort shown by the man in terms of quality time etc. I actually think cohabitation/marriage is probably very overrated in the majority of cases, and I haven't met a man in years who I thought could add anything to my life.

Problem is every single one of my long term friends are settling down, and whenever we meet up all they want to talk about is engagements/babies/house renovations/couples holidays. I feel very 'left behind' (even though I wouldn't want their partners).

Older family members asking 'do you have a boyfriend yet?'. It seems that's far more important than any one of my achievements now I'm older than 25.

I want kids, and in this day and age affording kids alone via sperm donor is a pipe dream.
I can't even afford to live alone as a single - it has to be flatmates, and random strangers at that as I have zero single friends.

So it's on the merry go round of dating ad infinitum

Op can you answer this, I’m trying to get you to see if you understand or not why it is happening.

It works the other way too - you have to decide whether the bloke in question is good enough too.
I didn't meet my husband til I was 39. And I do look at friends who met their partners early to mid 20s and wonder if that hasn't given them security and confidence that I didn't develop til much later. It's like a club that you just can't get in to, and you get a few sympathetic looks (even if their marriage is crap).
But those Insta and FB posts are the best front. That fab pic of daddy, mummy and junior at the side of a pool all smiles on holiday when minutes before junior was screaming about having to wear a hat, mum was blaming dad for forgetting the sunscreen in the room, daddy already wondering how soon he can scarper to the bar....
Of course there are genuinely happy families enjoying their company and happy singles, who are enjoying their freedom.
It is luck, circumstances, opportunity, and willingness. You can't be angry about it though. Our life doesn't always work out they way we thought it would and that can be a bitter pill. A relative told me, after I got married to a well earning man and got pregnant at 40, that I 'had landed on my feet'. Except my husband died when our kids were 4 and 6. Our life since then has been very different and hard.
I suggest you get some therapy and work through it all.

@Iwilldrawjapan You've mentioned a few times that you wouldn't feel so bad if other people around you were single - so maybe a different tribe of friends would help you feel less alone with this?

You can't control who you meet romantically, but you can put yourself in the way of finding friends and tribes that might be more supportive of a different way of life than you have at the moment, which might shift things for you.

I'm mid 40s, and relationship status has never been an issue amongst various tribes of friends - some singles, some couples, very few married, but people flow in and out of relationships over the years and it really doesn't affect anything amongst our friendship groups, so maybe you'd find something like that more accepting and less stressful?

Take it from someone who plays for the other side - believe me, the same goes for women in spades, it's just rare that we admit it ;)

She hasn't said so, but that doesn't mean she wasn't. I feel that we are talking past each other here. I think she is semi -consciously setting her bar too low and then getting these mediocre people who then disappoint her. It's like the old joke about the dinner party: 'how was the food'? ''Awful and there wasn't enough of it''.

Referring to the title of your thread, it doesn't. It really doesn't.

If you think it does, that's the issue right there. Don't put the power of YOUR future into anyone else's hands.

I understand the longing because I have had terrible luck with men. I've never been in one relationship where I've experienced the connection I wanted. But I'm not going to spend my life waiting for it because the sad fact is not everyone meets the lid of their pot. It's literally 'pot luck' like having healthy children, parents that die at a good age, having good health, a job, and everything else.

I know it's sad when you can't find what you want. But I think some degree of acceptance is important here. Not meaning to sound trite, but you can find fulfilment in other ways, and in doing so you are more likely to attract people later on. Men don't guarantee happiness no matter what you've seen around you. They often make life a lot more difficult. There's a lot of good in being single. You might not like it, but it's the situation you're in now, so try to find the good, and focus on making your life the way you want it despite not having a relationship.

Which she is or was.

It’s rare and she’s not said she’s dating rubbish men,