To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

If it's any consolation to you, I'm a lot older than you and have the same problem.

I think it is easier for some men (and women) to have casual relationships without committing. People can get emotional support from casual relationships too in some cases so they don't feel the need to commit.

I know it is difficult not to take it personally when people your age are settling down. You won't be the only one

They're just showing how happy they are 🤷‍♂️

Don't let your mind go down that sort of route, or you will end up bitter about other people's happiness.

OP I wonder if the problem is that you’re giving too much too soon? If men are getting sex before they’ve really bothered to get to know you or put any effort in then, there’s less incentive to stick around.

I had a 3 month rule for sex (PIV) to weed out the ones that weren’t interested in me as a person. I told them upfront. It meant they had to put in consistent effort before being ‘rewarded’ with anything else. The result was that those with whom I was not compatible fell away in a matter of weeks and those who kept going developed feelings for me and had a genuine connection by the time things got physical and so it turned into a proper relationship. Just an idea as it worked for me.

Hi OP. I have some good friends in your situation and, without knowing you, here’s what I’d like to say to them (might apply here!)

friend 1: you are totally focused on what you are or are not getting from these men, and don’t express what you have to give or share! You’re so scared of being abandoned that you push too hard. You need to invite, not demand.

friend 2: you can’t expect to formalise a relationship in the first two weeks and this therapy/interview approach will feel contrived to most men, who maybe just need more time for things to develop emotionally! Stop talking yourself down, people really hear the stories you tell about yourself.

To share personal info I actually do kind of relate to this.

I've been the one before the one, for a few men. But some of those men are now having issues to work through.

It doesn't feel great to know you weren't quite the one. But you just weren't the right people for each other at that time.

It's quite exhausting to put energy into hobbies etc when you really want a relationship, and hormonally the body wants to procreate.

But expect it to take 6 months to a year before you know you want to be together. As before I suggest seeing a counsellor through the process as they can help you with the fears and anxieties that come with dating as an older woman and hold space for you as you navigate that road to finding a partner. It's a two way decision.

Relationships later in life can be incredibly strong ones built on a foundation where you know yourselves more deeply. Trust me, when you do find your one it will have been worth the wait as you know yourself so much more.

I've rewritten my plan many times to make space for myself and where I am at, that means I don't fit the mould, but it also means finding a partner whose values match mine.

I'm 40 and haven't met anyone
The pool is pretty small and smaller still for me being tall, overweight, a red head and I wear glasses so...

Mostly I've met men who think I'm fine to have sex with but won't be seen with me so obviously I reject!
I'm not looking now, never had a relationship longer than a year and I'm quite content without.

The OP has been given SO SO much well meaning advice on here and I'm sure if she reads the thread back in the future, a lot of it will be very valuable.

But I think what a lot of people are missing right NOW is that the OP has said she is mentally unwell.

And that being mentally unwell has led to her having suicidal thoughts.

THAT should be the priority here at the moment. Not links to different dating sites or advice on whether she's setting her hopes too high or too low.

I had to rent out my property for various reasons, my 2nd tenant was a decently educated, articulate, pleasant young woman who was not long back from tefl teaching in Korea. After a while circumstances meant I had to move back in, so I gave more than full notice and she & her partner opted to go early. I think she was already pregnant at that time.

Like other tenants they left a shit tonne of stuff behind in drawers etc.
While I was trying to sort out what to keep and what to throw out, I kept coming across opened letters to her partner. They were letters about methadone supply, letters about drug addiction treatment, letters about court cases for carrying a weapon, letters about a car being impounded etc etc etc

I kept the court letters and the woman's degree certificate (the original) etc in case they needed them. And I offered to arrange collection of them. She said she'd get them but didn't arrange it for actual years, then contacted me years later when they'd finally been thrown out.

I suppose she had been busy with their first child and I think she's had a second one with him too.

That is an example of what some graduate, travelled, "nice" women are settling with.

It's easy to have a partner when you apply no reasonable standards and that is the case in many many relationships.

I feel it is still the case - for many varied reasons - that lots of women will accept pretty much anything in order to have a partner and a family.

I was friendly with a woman at uni who, through mutual friends, I know has an extremely problematic husband, from Croatia originally. He tried FB friending me out of the blue (she and I haven't had contact in 20 or more years). I know she was well aware of issues with him before marriage and two kids. But she sent ahead.
She grew up in a household with a spendthrift, embarrassing alcohol father whom her mother would never ever throw out, it was unthinkable to her; because he was her h and kids father. That's the sort of example she grew up in; I think she thinks you put up with whatever, as long as you get your kids and do the conventional thing.

Why should the OP want a man who wants a little woman who lets him vent and has no ideas or life of her own? I daresay there are men like that, but they aren't worth having.

No advice but just want to say I know how you feel. I'm sure some people will think it's awful to make this comparison but I always felt like their was a lot of consideration for my friends who were struggling to conceive because of their partner's low sperm count (lots of thoughtful messages on mother's day, being sensitive with pregnancy announcements etc.) but absolutely no consideration for me who was single and also desperately wanted children but couldn't have them due to not having found a partner. Of course that's not to say I resented the consideration to them, it just feels like when you are single there is this assumption you must be too picky or not have worked on yourself or something like that.

As it happens, I have actually met someone now but I'm older than you and it was very much luck. All I can offer you for comfort is that life can change very quickly and you aren't doing anything wrong, it really is so dependent on luck. I also found my friends in small towns met people much more easily than people in big cities where you rarely bump into the same person twice. Wishing you all the best.

Op I haven’t read the whole thread but have read all your posts.

i just want to say that im sorry you’re in this position and I can understand why you feel so alone. 30s is a terrible age for this - i call it the ‘empire building’ stage, when everyone is very concerned with showing off about things like houses, weddings, kids etc. it can feel extremely isolating not to be able to participate.

it will be no consolation to say that in my experience many wonderful women end up in this position. Many more settle for an awful man and end up incredibly unhappy. I think you are right to expect a partner to put you first, but I would say that is probably not the experience of most women in relationships with men. And the more people show off on social media, the less likely it is to be true.

Ive been with my dh since we were mid 20s so im not speaking from personal experience, but i have tried to support some of my friends through this. I hope i’ve been sensitive enough not to dismiss their feelings and I would certainly never tell them how to meet people (what would I know?!) They are all incredibly important to me and although I know friendship is not the same as a relationship, you may be underestimating the value you have to other people.

Why does the OP need to look 'up to 48'? Up to 40 would be reasonable, but nearly 50 is not imo.

Check out the good mood clinic podcast on Spotify, it’s run by a couple of clinical psychologists and they do a lot of work on exactly the dynamic you are talking about. It’s a bit cheesy but its good quality content and may help you make sense of what’s going on for you

Would it be worth trying out any agencies which cover the North-West?

These do:

https://www.selectservices.co.uk/

https://www.muddymatches.co.uk/

https://countrypartners.co.uk/

OP. You need to root out those who are just there for the shagging. This will be most of them probably but you only need to find one fella.

1. You’re only dating people who are under 30, am I right? Lose that for a start. You’re 33. You should be looking up to 48.
2. Pay for dating agency. Also roots out chaff.
3. Are you putting too many criteria in? Paying too much attention to looks etc? Do your photos have any depth to them? Does your personality come across on the blurb? Get a friend to read it over…. So that it’s an honest reflection of who you are.
4. Read other profiles with a critical eye and avoid all the obvious things to look out for like liking a challenge and all that stuff. Photos with beer and groups of mates. Bin.
5. Get swiping but no dating and absolutely no sex unless you know there’s something there like a month or so because that quickly roots out the shaggers.

I would also try and do activities rather than drinks etc on a first date. Less pressure.

You’re not desperate, you sound angry and sone of the replies you had make me see why you might be. Good luck ♥️

I get it, I was where you're at a couple years ago. Over those few years, several of the Extremely Happy couples have broken up, some of them are staying together "for the children" but it's clearly unhealthy, some have cheated, etc.

I'm still single, but a lot happier about it! I decided to take a break and deliberately not date anyone. Take off the pressure. Stop bothering with social media - or follow more interesting pages/people, not families and couples. Just have fun, make new friends who are also single and in their 30s, try new hobbies. I took up a martial art to let off steam and punch things when I feel angry. Got two cats who make me feel very loved. Of my fellow single and/or childless friends, those with pets seem to be happiest.

The problem with your post is that by giving such a detailed breakdown of your issues with dating, you've invited posters to seize on the irrelevancies - married men trying it on sometimes/poor mental health stemming from years of crap relationship experiences/tall poppy syndrome because you're deemed too attractive etc - which are part of the jigsaw puzzle but only very minor pieces. Really you need a good friend/ therapist who can put the sum of the parts together and come up with some answers and a strategy for rebuilding your confidence. It's a problem I find on aibu threads - you can get some great advice but mention anxiety or an uncaring parent figure in passing for instance, and this will be seized upon and denoted as the actual underlying problem by the armchair psychologist , when the real issue you've come for help for, gets ignored or overlooked. I think the posters I would be listening to OP are those who've been through very similar themselves. It's absolutely ok to be pissed at the unfairness of the world and how it's panned out for you - nothing wrong to show a little anger, it's healthy. There is no need to pathologise all human experiences.

Op it’s clear you’re not listening or fully engaging, just venting really.

is that part of the issue, it links to you trying to get serious with blokes who aren’t interested. On here you’re clearly not listening either.

are you possibly quite self focused?

I think you have a lot going for you by the sounds of it. I also hate when people say to stop looking and it will happen when you least expect it, that has to be the most annoying thing ever to say to someone whose single and would like to meet someone.
Sometimes I look at the women that I know that are coupled up and I'm like , ok they have met someone that loves them etc, but those men definitely would not be my cup of tea and I wouldn't be attracted to them. Maybe they just have lower standards than me and that's why it's easier for them to couple up.
I totally get your frustration, I have had a rough couple of years myself where I haven't been "good enough" for anyone in the long term, I think this is because I'm in my mid 40s and have a child.
I met my ex partner online at 31 and was with him for almost 9 years but since him , my dating life has been a shit show and I'm having a much needed break from men.
You sound like a catch and I hope you meet someone you really like who treats you right.

Yabu.

You are making the mistake that men find attractive in you the same things that you do in them.

You want the truth? Well here it is. In terms of relationship value, men do not care about your financial independence, career, travels or tell-it-like-it-is self-confidence.

They want an attractive (enough) woman who is kind, attentive and listens to them not another ball breaker.

Now I am not here to tell you to change at all but here it is.

And I've bet you have indeed looked over perfectly decent guys because they're invisible to you.
That good-looking enough car mechanic? Bet he's not even on your radar.

Could you have a frank conversation with her and get her views?

We can only speculate here because we don't actually know you.