To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

Not to be pedantic but 99% aren’t in couples

It might be 'creepy' but it's also effective. I will probably get shouted down for this, but I would recommend that @Iwilldrawjapan check out what Jordan Peterson has to say on this issue. He is a controversial figure and I by no means agree with everything he says, but some of his talks are quite edifying.

Please don't look into fostering as a way to meet whatever unmet need you have just now.
Not appropriate for you or the child at present.

Why should she settle?
Because all those charismatic, good looking etc men of her age she wants have a pool of younger women to choose from. That's why.

It wasn’t said like it. It was about knowing my worth and setting an expectation about how I wanted to be treated.

I agree. Worked for me too, although I didn't tell him up front.

I feel for you, I’m similar I get on we with men and my friends husbands etc but failed to find my own.

I can afford to have child on my own and will but I’d of loved a family.

I put ‘reward’ in inverted commas because it was tongue in cheek.

Wrong - some men may not care about those things but other men want their partner to be their equal in all ways - high earning, successful career, etc. This isn't the 1950s.

Why should the OP settle for someone who they don't find interesting?

Great advice which will be shot down as feminism wrongthink

OP,
Sorry I disagree there ARE some guys out there who would very much want a relationship with you but they are invisible to you.
It's no good me telling you this though because by definition you can't see them!

Look you're going to have to settle for Mr GoodEnough.
You think other women getting married at your age are different to you? They're not, they've probably just settled, too.

It is a rare woman who says at the peak of her looks (early 20s) that she'll sacrifice girls night outs etc to focus on the guy she really wants.

I'm not knocking you at all but realise this, people just settle and put a brave face on it.

You're only different in that you can't see it.

What makes a person mediocre is having limited ambition, intelligence, attractiveness, charisma, interest.

I agree with previous posters about casting your net wider in terms of age. I met my DH, after being single for five years, when I was 28 and he was 39. We met through a shared interest. Married 34 years.

I think more people are choosing to be single than you might realise, although it’s still kind of frowned upon in general.
I’ve always preferred being single but while dating (sporadically) had a similar experience as you have with men - my first boyfriend was the only one who was clearly in love with me (mutual) and everyone else since then was just… “eh”.
I am sorry you haven’t found someone who really digs you, though, I do appreciate that is frustrating and upsetting.

Honestly OP I don't think you have said anything unreasonable here.

I also get sick of my coupled up friends saying 'just work on yourself!!! It'll come when you least expect it!!' - meanwhile they're not the ones having to face rejection, disrespect, crap dates over and over. If their relationships ended they'd feel like life was over, meanwhile I've had 5 relationship 'endings' in the past several years.

And a good chunk of women ARE socialised to say/do the right things to attract and keep a man. It's the way society is - get a job, attract a man, get married, have kids. Shouldn't be that way but it is.
All my friends are intelligent and successful, yet the majority of our conversations end up being about men - have you found one, what's yours doing wrong today, are you getting engaged etc. I have several friends who, when in a relationship, become completely disinterested in having nights out - so those nights out we had were always mainly about finding a man.

I am, like you, attractive and successful. People tell me I'm funny. Loads of hobbies and interests. I'm kind and thoughtful.. but it's a combination of luck of the draw, and whether or not you're willing to put up with the same shit your peers do.

On the outside one of my friends seems blissfully happy, but she has to get up in the morning to make her partner's lunch (as though he's 6) despite them BOTH working full time. She does everything in the house. Another's partner has completely gone off sex and won't tell her why - complete head in the sand. Another's has cheated. Another's doesn't ever want to spend any quality time together. I wouldn't have any of the above.
These are only the gorgeous, intelligent, successful women I know well enough to see the inside of their relationship - how many shit relationships are there in reality?

I had a refreshing conversation with my married sister the other day, with her basically summarizing the above - it's not all it's cracked up to be. You're seeing the highlight reel of everyone's life but a percentage will be miserable for one reason or another.

Carry on as you are, don't settle, and do it with the knowledge that the grass isn't greener on the other side. I know how you feel as I am exactly the same some days, but it's really not worth stressing over

I have to disagree with those who suggest only dating older and how men in their 20s don't want to commit. My longest and most committed relationships were with 20 something year olds. Most of the older men I've been with are already jaded by past relationships/marriages themselves and are reluctant to settle down again because of custody battles, financial battles, divorce and having to move out of the family home etc. Spent most of my life dating older men who weren't out to settle down, I'm now living with a 26 year old man who has an amazing relationship with my son and wants to marry me (I'm a lot older)!

I’m not sure what it is, you’ve said you’re independent, good looking, physically fit, not giving off desperation vibes.…could it be your personality?

Very true.

It could be depression.

That will lead to very negative, hopeless, extreme thinking.

What do you mean letting him down?

Dating is dating. They decide they don’t want to pursue anything further, that’s not letting anyone down. That’s how dating works.

Of course there’s differences. But it is a like for like comparison. Any man who nobody wanted to date for more than 2 months wouldn’t be told it’s because he is too good.

i also notice you didn’t answer what makes a woman ‘mediocre’.

There’s no problem with Op being confident in who she is. But when you have to resort to calling other women mediocre, to make op feel better, not good advice and it’s not helpful. And it’s likely not to be true.

This would be a red flag to any self-respecting man.

Being told 'you need to put in consistent effort before being rewarded' sounds like what a boss would say to somebody selling vacuums cleaners in Curry's.

I think you need to believe and accept that there’s really nothing wrong with you and the rejection from the guys things didn’t work out with are just a part of life. When you reflect on those relationships, would you have been happy spending the rest of your life with them? If not, then just chalk them down to experience and take the learning. I think because there are so many bad relationships out there (and you said your previous long term relationship partner was abusive and cheated), it’s easy to set low standards by seeing basic things like fidelity and lack of abuse as a maximum standard rather than a baseline. But if you plan to spend the rest of your life with the other person, there does need to be mutual respect and connection as well. So it’s ok if either of you discover early on that you’re not suited to each other, it’s a good thing. It does seem like in the past you have committed too quickly to people who weren’t committed to you. I think you need to accept and understand that you are worth committing to and don’t allow people to take you for granted.
None of this guarantees that you will find a suitable person (which is a lot to do with time and chance), but it does mean you’ll be happier in yourself and have more fun looking and be in a healthier place and better able to recognise when you do meet the right person who you connect with and also recognises your value to them.

You sound a bit like me in my 20s. Only had one serious relationship when I was very young and every guy I dated would end up marrying the woman that came along after me or I was the rebound. I was even told by a male ‘friend’ that I was the girl to have fun with but not marry (even though a few years earlier he claimed to have been in love with me all along after my friend broke up with him). I always seemed to be the warm up act or the distraction. It was very disheartening as you say because I was constantly told I was doing the right things (attractive, funny, educated, hard worker, looked after myself) but it just never seemed to do the trick and I felt very much ‘left on the shelf’.

In the end I decided I’d rather be alone than with the wrong person and eventually accepted that the right person didn’t look like they were coming along any time soon. I was fully prepared to be single forever and working towards making myself self sufficient. I decided I’d better keep my toe dipped in the pool so I wouldn’t be wondering ‘what if’. I was absolutely ruthless with sifting out time wasters on OLD and very clear with what I wanted. Luckily my partner turned up and ticked (almost) every box. I’m very happy. Feed back Ive had from guys I know is that I’m nice but I also have a ‘don’t fuck with me’ vibe, which is intimidating. But also kept away the kind of men I didn’t want to bother with - just turned out to be a bigger % than I thought.

I suppose my advice is to make peace with it, But be open to possibilities while standing firm on what matters to you. Good luck.

I’m sorry but that’s really creepy. Sex is not a reward.

@MsLuxLisbon
its casting the net wider but also most single guys in their 20s/ early thirties are happily having fun, you might get more serious attention from slightly older men. My husband was divorced no kids: he could adult brilliantly and knew the drill with long relationships. Full head of hair, no fillings, physically fit and very very lovely kind and fun. 6 years older than me. You need somebody at the same life stage as you and most of these dudes are prob not there yet. And on the meantime the OP is getting more and more fed up.