To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

Where do you live? I know so many single/ dating 30 somethings. I met my husband at 30. My sister met her partner at 35.

You not like people saying it, but I can’t see, logically, that you aren’t desperate.

Desperate means that you badly want something to happen- this is true. Desperate means you are upset and frustrated when something doesn’t happen - also true. Maybe you should own it. I was desperate! I was 30 and really wanted to meet a partner. I even told my now husband that I was really keen to get married and have kids on our second date. I definitely pestered him to propose, he just laughed and told me we would be soon if I wanted to. I even encouraged him to get going trying for a baby - we compromised, brought our wedding forward but still waited until after.

Anyway, I’m happily married with kids, have lots of interests, friends etc.

you do have to make contingencies though- it might not happen. So what the plan? I planned to move abroad for work(easy to do for me) to a place it wouldn’t be practical to take children. Even now I have contingencies for if my relationship does work - I have my own savings and make sure we overpay our mortgage (expensive area, so I know with our equity we’d both be able to buy elsewhere).

I'm going to be a bit blunter than most on here OP, because I think people are trying to be nice to you and its getting in the way of them giving you good advice.

Men generally aren't picky. If women have maybe 1 in 300 men they could happily spend their lives with, for us its probably 1 in 30 women.

So if you're really struggling this much to find someone who likes you, then there has to be something about you that's putting them off. So lets go through what men are usually looking for in a partner. (Obviously I'm massively generalising here. All men are different)

Physical attraction - We'll skip this one, as you say you're having no trouble getting men to have sex with you.

Someone to spend time with - Are you not available enough, do they only get to see you once a week? And when you do see each other, what do you do? Go out, stay in? Generally men are looking for someone to do stuff with. Most of us are content by ourselves sat at home, with a partner we're looking for someone to share experiences with.

Sexual compatibility - Are you boring in bed? I'm not talking whips and chains and toys etc, but the basics. The number of women who just lie there and expect the bloke to do all the work and thinks that that's enough is nuts.

Fun - We want someone we can have fun with, a good chat, joke with. We'll get very bored very quickly if our partner doesn't engage with us or sits on their phone all night.

Affection - Men are generally starved of this. We want hugs damn it. We're generally much more starved of physical affection than most women. So having a girlfriend who doesn't show any affection outside of sex, physical or emotional is likely to put us off quite quickly.

On the flip side, men aren't looking for things like:

Hard work - We generally feel like relationships should be easy. We're far more likely to leave someone who starts arguments, or tries to control us than women are. (This is a good thing, and something women should do more of, rather than men do less)

Self absorption - We want someone who is interested in us, rather than someone who talks about themselves all the time.

Drama - Anyone who constantly has issues with other people gets dropped rather quickly

Commitment - Men in their 20s at least aren't looking long term. They're not looking for someone to move in with, to marry, to have kids with. We have far longer to do those things than women do. When these things happen, its usually because of outside pressure rather than us pushing them forward. A woman looking to move forward too quickly will scare us off (This one will be less of an issue now that you've hit your 30s, men in their 30s are starting to look at settling down)

I don't know which (if any) applies to you, neither does anyone else on here. And feel free to tell me to piss off if I've touched a nerve, and I will. You may well be doing absolutely nothing wrong, and just have bad luck, but if the only common denominator in all these failed relationships is you, it's worth doing some self reflection.

I get that it's hard, but you are not as unusual as you think. Around 30% of adults in the UK live alone and they can't all be widowed/in non cohabiting relationships.

I hear you.. I think I’m a good person but I’m never chosen. I left an alcoholic after 3 years but before him literally no one ever wanted me.. shortly after I
met the most amazing man I really thought he was the one, I was even quite close to his daughter as he was a single dad.. but No it never goes that way for me. 😞 He met a Columbian woman, he can’t even have a conversation with and chose her. We live quite close to each other and I see her with the life I could have only dream about...
I can’t even face trying anymore.. the only ones that “want” me are just because they have no where to go post divorce ect

Harassment was the wrong word.

What I mean is, you just seemed SO unwilling to accept he wasn't interested, and wouldn't listen to anyone who pointed it out.

You have summed this up perfectly for me in one sentence. Who will give me a hug when I wake up upset?

OP, you seem to want all so - called alpha and beta charisteristics in one man.
Not gonna happen.
Mr Steady is often not sexy. Mr Sexy is often not steady.
Even if he is both, you'll have the headache of other women wanting him, too. My grandmothers got what they wanted but having to be constantly aware of the competition wore them down.

The key to getting rid of your frustration is in accepting that no matter who you get there'll be a trade off.
So my advice to you is to make the guys who are currently invisible to you visible and give them a chance.
Most people settle, remember that.

I have been married twice both were brutal and ended on divorce with abuse as I didn’t value or know myself or my worth. Aged 40 I had two children and thought who would want me…. A single slightly overweight mum of two Sen kids who works full time and is knackered. I did loads of therapy on me- my worth it cost me thousands I didn’t have over 3 years the result - finally I got it I started to find me - what I liked - art music etc and when I started dating I was NOT looking for something I knew what I didn’t want. Someone self centred - who didn’t engage and ask me replies - delete. I wanted a reader. Physical looks I put totally outside the box. Yes I didn’t want a heavy drinker or a smoker was a big no or drugs etc but I was open. Each date got at least one date unless he was dire. It was all about conversation and value. I met my boyfriend online and we texted, phoned and talked and laughed. We both come with history. He is ‘not my type’ he’s 6 ft and slightly overweight like me, 55 and has a son who is 25. We got to know each other first / but by date 4 I was in love with him and what we were doing together. I know he is my forever. He writes me poetry sometimes, we do the crossword but he is 100% kind and loves me so deeply - it’s just taken me 50 years to find him.

I've chosen single life, I'm also reasonably attractive, have had a few boyfriends and short flings but I decided most men annoy me so 🤷‍♀️

That said I do have a dd, I found out I was pregnant after one of the above short flings and have raised dd on my own.

On line dating has worked for all my close friends, all four of my best friends met their husbands via OLD. I think it's a numbers game though and you have to be persistent.

Someone going out of their way to make you feel bad is about them not you. But unpleasant, I know.

But I am guessing there will have been at least a few posters who were the same people who commented on the first thread. it’s not always the same group of people.

and it would really depend on what you said in the thread. Context is everything.

I've had quite a bit of rejection too over the years. Looking back I realise a couple of the men I dated weren't right for me.

Getting dumped/rejected can really hurt and makes us question why. The OP has clearly been down about it so please can we stop with the unhelpful comments. She's not desperate, she wants a partner. Hobbies etc are great but most of us need some intimacy although some are fine being single

I know that this will sound very old-fashioned, but would you enjoy volunteering? You never know whom you might meet and you would be making new friends at the same time.

Something like this or similar:

https://www.liverpoolwomens.nhs.uk/get-involved/become-a-volunteer/

I get your frustration op and don’t think you are any of the shitty things some commentators have accused you of, but do you actually want a boyfriend ? It sounds more like you just don’t like being the odd one out and being different to your peer group from this comment that you’ve made several times.
Do you think maybe that is coming across, or on some level your picking men that aren’t looking for a serious relationship either? I honestly think that like attract like whether we’re aware of it or not.

No cliche intended, but you need to get out there for you. Not with hope or agenda. The most attractive people aren’t hinging their happiness on one particular set up or looking for someone to fulfill this for them. They have lots of things going for them: interesting career, great friends, good family, financially secure, but most of all they are confident and happy. If you are most of these things, you need to persue activities and clubs of things you enjoy, just because you love doing it. Enthusiasm is an infectious energy, so do what you do with confidence, passion and humour - and you will meet the right person for you. It’s easy to chalk failed relationships down to one’s own ability to ‘hold onto someone’ but that isn’t how equal relationships work or thrive. I’ve been where you are, watching others set up families whilst I seemed unable to hurdle 3rd dates, lots of those who were setting up those families have now disbanded or had their own difficulties, contextually I started later, but once you have the right person - everything else can fall into place very quickly. Too quickly actually. Please try to enjoy the time you have at this age, playing family with small children each weekend can be a very boring endeavour, so don’t spend your time gazing at green grass in someone else’s life, chances are they are utterly fed up too. I wish you well OP.

I didn't realise you were the OP of that thread.

You did seem to come across as very hung up on him, to put it mildly.

Almost to the point of harassment, in the sense you didn't want to accept what he was saying.

It didn't matter whether he fancied you or not, he didn't want to date you and that should've been the end of it.

People here are all of differing opinions.

I would say trying to date men you work with is a bad idea.

and also, if a man said he didn’t date colleagues that’s fair enough. Whether he likes you or not, isn’t relevant.

But just because some people think dating men you work with is a good idea doesn’t mean it will work out for you with one particular man. And really they have no idea of he liked you and was making an excuse or if he didn’t.

We can only give advice based on our own experience. Our experiences colour our opinions. It doesn’t mean something definitely will or will not work for you

He does not have a 'very low opinion of women in general'. He actually tells men that they need to up their game in order to attract women. He is also happily married, and he has done a lot to help women who were hoodwinked into believing that they were trans men. He advocates that women shouldn't just rush into bed with any old man, which is wise advice. Can you point out which statements he has made which display a 'low opinion of women', please?

Op I really feel like you’re getting a lot of unfair comments for a post where you’re clearly just feeling fed up/frustrated which is such a valid feeling.
My older sister is 34 and going through something so similar; she’s financially independent with her own property, good job, attractive, takes care of herself, nice circle of friends and with a close knit family too.
She is at a point where she’d love to meet the right person as an addition to her already great life, but is finding dating frustrating too.

The conversation we keep having is that with dating apps EVERYONE is so disposable to people and constantly will think they’ll find someone better as the apps can be addictive and that’s what is so frustrating-I think this is a universal issue a lot of people are finding and why my sister is now seeking out to meet men in more natural ways than apps.

I don’t know about what area you live in but in London it feels soo much more common for women not to be in relationships etc in their 30’s; whereas my sister and I grew up in a small-ish town in Sussex and everyone seems to be coupled up with/without kids within both our friendship circles, but it’s like these people haven’t really evolved from where we live and met/ knew their partners through school.

Sorry for a bit of a long rambling post but I hope it gives you some comfort that you’re not alone with this at all, even if you feel like it at times.

There is an amazing YouTuber called Crappy Childhood Fairy who has the best education about dating I have seen. Really life-changing stuff.
( I don't like the channel name but her info is so useful).
She really helped me unlearn things that didn't help with meeting someone who wanted a proper relationship and doing the things that attracted someone who did. They are very easy listening too.

Don't despair, you only need to meet one man for all these good things to unfold!

PS I just looked at her channel and the video from yesterday was coincidentally similar to the topic of your post

You're just lacking empathy unfortunately. I felt exactly like OP at similar age. Now I'm married with a child, so it's been a long time since I was looking. People should be allowed to say how they feel on an anonymous forum without this sort of silliness.