To resent that my future depends on whether a man deems me good enough

This is just absolute horseshit. You sound more like a male incel than a woman.

I never said they were connected. I still don't see how they make her sound bitter. It's others saying her feeling like that is symptomatic of why she's single. Which I think is bollocks

They clearly are related hence why she specifically posted it. I think its highly relevant and I do think if she is feeling jealous about it, it will be affecting her dating behaviour.

Well to be honest assuming you are a heterosexual female like me I don't see how you can judge the former.

OP, it sounds horrible.

I agree with pp that the list of reasons people have ended things with you sounds like a bunch of excuses.

I suspect it's a combination of

(1) you really want to settle down and you are dating men in their 20s who don't want to settle down. Even if you're not talking much about your long term objectives people can often sense when the other person is more committed to the relationship than they are and it can cause cold feet.

(2) there may be something about you that your partners are finding difficult but don't want to express. Maybe they feel threatened by your success and drive; or think you're bossy and domineering; or hate your habit of leaving your toenail clippings around the bathroom floor (not saying you actually do this); or any one of 100 things we don't know about you.

(3) dating in your 30s is hard, as many of the good ones are taken. So it may not even be much to do with you at all.

(4) at the risk of sounding like my grandmother, how quickly are you having sex with these guys? I had a friend at college who had similar issues to you and it was because men perceived her as 'easy' - they were happy to shag her because she was available but it meant nothing.

I never said they were connected. I still don't see how they make her sound bitter. It's others saying her feeling like that is symptomatic of why she's single. Which I think is bollocks.

don't think that's bitter and nasty. I find those photos tedious and annoying as well. Not that I'd ever voice that to anyone who posts one of course but I don't think finding them annoying says anything particular about their state of mind

But what on earth have those photos got to do with OP's dating issues? the two arent connected whatsoever so why bring them up in a thread about not being able to find someone? I find people's pics of their pets tedious but I dont relate that to me not getting a promotion at work for example because it's completely irrelevant. I think the OP is getting too caught up on comparing herself with these supposedly blissfully happy obsessed with love Facebook friends and its not doing her any good at all.

You can spot the men a mile off.
It has no bearing; men do not stay with women just for the sex. Men who just want sex want it with many women and will leave when another sex opportunity presents itself. OP wants a relationship not a sex pest.

Yeah whatever I say. I'm not the one starting threads here about how to get and keep a guy though.

I realised long ago that commitment from a guy lowers my sexual attraction to him. I think it does all women to be frank.
It's just how it is.
Nothing is a bigger turn off than knowing you 100% have a guy.

It's your choice really. Get used for sex by Mr Sexy and dumped for ever more OR settle for Mr Boring. It's up to you.

So you have a mix of single people and those in couples?

Seems pretty normal to me. Not sure what you are concluding from this but I highly doubt that every single couple on your Facebook is blissfully happy and "obsessed" with each other. And no, a few curated holiday photos does not prove that.

@wordler

That's the most grown up thing I've seen on MN in a while.

@Iwilldrawjapan

Consider taking this advice. And remember that "romance" looks different for everyone. You won't see pictures on my FB or insta of DH spoiling me for valentine's. We don't even do cards. But when DD has been awake half the night and will only settle with me laid next to her, DH will go to her bed so we're not squished into her single. And he'll come back in the morning with coffee on my favourite mug and milk for her. I'll take that over "obsession" and material spoiling every day.

Adjust your perception of what love is and you may find it.

I don't think that's bitter and nasty. I find those photos tedious and annoying as well. Not that I'd ever voice that to anyone who posts one of course but I don't think finding them annoying says anything particular about their state of mind.

OP I think you've stayed very calm actually in the fade of a barrage of often very bizarre criticism. Maybe some therapy would help, certainly won't hurt but I don't think you're behaving in an unreasonable way or that your feeling are unreasonable either.

That was me that said it. Ok fine now you clarified it.

Have you got a couple of thousand for a matchmaker service? They match up people who are vetted and want long term unlike dating app roulette.

I wonder if it comes down to this: if you're drawing your candidate men from a pool of habitual daters - ie online dating, dating nights etc - then that's what you're going to get. For that part of the population, there - quite literally - are millions of other potential options out there, so as soon as things start to get a little bit difficult...back to the pool they go.

It's possible to find a long term relationship in those places, sure, but it's incredibly rare.

You're far more likely to find someone who'll stick around when they already had something invested in your relationship before you started dating; somebody you'd already made a friend of for reasons other than you both wanted to find somebody to date (which, if you think about it, is almost always the worst reason to strike up a relationship with someone).

Question for you: do you enjoy sex? Are you a passionate person who enjoys intimacy, do you enjoy having sex with your partners and have they told you that they enjoyed being intimate with you?

My DH is very sexy. And steady. You can have / be both.

You, on the other hand, sound like you're neither.

@Iwilldrawjapan

OP, what kind of things do you enjoy doing when you are not at work?

Get the cat or even two - you need someone in that flat to come home to that’s just yours.

The other thing that would be healthy for you is some therapy - not to fix something wrong with you but to help you with the way you are perceiving the world around you particularly the world of relationships.

Two things in particular:

You’ve talked several times in these posts about ‘everyone’ else finding partners who adore them, finding their one.

As a few posters have said that’s statistically not true - you may be unusual that you have a very high proportion of people who are in couples that you work with and in your current friendship group but you are very much not alone in being single.

The other point about this is a significant portion of those in relationships around you are not with ‘the one’ and do not have a partner who ‘simply adores them’.

You only have to read the relationship threads on here to see how many women are in at best quite mundane relationships and at worst quite terrible. Lots of people settle for someone, not the ‘one’. Lots of people have partners who are just okay and definitely don’t fall into the adoring category.

Again statistically it’s impossible that you have only people in your circles who all have the perfect partners and relationships.

But they’re not going to admit that on the day before Valentines weekend. What they seem to have - adoring partner spoiling them ahead of a loved up romantic weekend - is often a lot less special than people make out.

Which brings me to point 2 - you have mentioned Facebook posts several times and how it makes you feel seeing everyone else have what eludes you.

Again a lot of that is curated highlights around a lot of very mundane and ordinary everyday life stuff and most likely a lot a bickering.

I have no doubts that you are going to find someone to be with and amongst a lot of lovely romantic moments you’ll be fully immersed in the 80% of real life which is arguing about how to load the dishwasher for the 1000th time or whose turn it is to clean the hair out of the shower plug.

Get the cat - embrace the pleasures of the single life while you can.

It just seems like none of them bloody split up.

From your 10:33 post. It does come across as if you're pissed off that couple's are not breaking up, so it's not that much of a stretch.

I see that you're on the waiting list for therapy, and it very much sounds like you need this more than a relationship atthe moment.

You say it's been 12 years of being repeatedly rejected, and perhaps your therapy sessions will help you to understand why.

Hey Op, I'm a single mum and know a woman who had a kid on her own. She has her own property (inherited so no mortgage) and decided to take the risk. I see in your OP you say you are a homeowner and working in well paid job; are you sure this isn't an option for you? I know my friend hasn't much family and none that were helpful. She has a few friends and we have rallied when needed but most of the time she has had to sort things on her own, however has managed remarkably well. I do think a lot of women could do this if their financial situation is similar and it may be worth thinking on further. If we are honest a lot of men don't do the majority of the child rearing and many leave. It can be an ask to get your head around if you have a traditional viewpoint however.

I say the above because sadly 50% of marriages end in divorce anyway, so to me reading your post it sounds as though really what you want is a child...I may be wrong and having one alone is certainly a different experience to having one with a man but not always a worse one. Look up Single Mum By Choice as a concept - maybe it's an option after all.

See this is just bitter and nasty, and perhaps an insight into how you might come across without even realising it. You seem to direct a lot of misplaced anger at other people, and are of the misguided notion that all couples are madly in love and obsessed with each other. They’re not - that’s not real life. I suspect the abusive relationship you were in at 18 has had some lasting effects (speaking as someone who had a similar experience) so I’m glad you’re on the waiting list for therapy; it’ll do you the world of good. Perhaps even look into going private if you can afford it

I agree with this OP. If you do find someone you love, wouldnt you post photos on social media?- wtf is wrong with that? people arent doing it to spite you.

I am not "feminine" in the traditional sense, I'm quite direct (blunt has been used), independent, don't do make up, dresses, heels etc. I can look after myself, financially and emotionally.

Many men don't like it. But there are men who do. There's a lot of men who don't want the "little wife" at home. Many of them love the fact that their partner is an independent person with their own life which means they get to have theirs too.

You need to find one of those men. Look slightly outside your "type". Mine turned out to be a guy a bit older than me, who lived further away than I'd have liked, who people thought would never "settle down". We've been together 15 years now.

I have friends who married men they met at school. They've been together forever. They're miserable. Not well matched at all but neither party will acknowledge it. Their social media would have you believe everything is idyllic. On the other hand, I have several friends who met their partner later in life and they have healthy, loving relationships. You see nothing of it on socials.

It'll come. And don't believe insta.

I think that you are wrong.
I bet you've rejected far more men then they've rejected you.
They just don't matter to you so you've forgotten them.

You are no different to the vast majority of women out there, just other women resigned to themselves to the fact that Mr Sexy CANNOT be Mr Steady and vice versa.

Commitment is not sexy. It is mundane and boring.

You want the moon on a stick. That's the bottom line. You need to grow up a bit.

See this is just bitter and nasty, and perhaps an insight into how you might come across without even realising it. You seem to direct a lot of misplaced anger at other people, and are of the misguided notion that all couples are madly in love and obsessed with each other. They’re not - that’s not real life. I suspect the abusive relationship you were in at 18 has had some lasting effects (speaking as someone who had a similar experience) so I’m glad you’re on the waiting list for therapy; it’ll do you the world of good. Perhaps even look into going private if you can afford it.

On a more positive note, I think you need to set the bar higher. Going for guys who earn less than you and still live with their parents is never going to work because you’re not on a level. Stop selling yourself short.

Also, you don’t actually say anything about the relationships that failed other than the men rejected you. Was there a connection? Did you want the same things and share the same values? Did you have fun together and have things in common? Were they kind, or interesting or funny? Did they make you feel special? You get to decide whether someone is right for you or not - you don’t need to wait for the man’s seal of approval in the hopes they’ll make it official.

Really think about what you want from a partner and go from there. You’re allowed to be choosy. Aim higher.