Husband’s hobby destroying marriage

What has this got to do with anything? Before we got married and had kids I went out 4 nights a week, went clubbing most weekends and took loads of drugs. It was ace. We then had a kids and I stopped going out all the time. I am now mostly sensible and do 50% of the housework and parenting.

Of course anyone can walk away from a legally binding contract....anyone can walk away from children, from wives, jhobs, anything really. The state will pick up the pieces..so women too should be able to take advantage of this and loosen their grip on their sense of obligation and motherliness blah blah. Sod that. If a man can behave like a fuckwit, hell so can a woman. We just need to convince ourselves we can do it.

The thing is... you can talk about schedules and fairness and draw up timetables and plan until the cows come home, but it probably won't work because he already knows the present situation is unfair. He just isn't motivated to change it because it works in his favour. He's happy to exploit you instead. He doesn't feel that he should step up because he thinks there is something special about him that means that all this shit is dealt with by someone else - you. He feels entitled to your labour, for some reason. Probably.unfortunately because you're a woman and he's a man, and he looks round about him and sees far too many examples of men doing fuck all while women go above and beyond for their families.

The trouble with this, is that he may just let you get on with it, come back at 3pm, and just vedge for the next 2 hours till you come home. He may just prefer that!!

Yes. Women need to start playing the game. The Hardball game. Women need parity. Marriage should be scrapped. If you have children a legally binding contract should be drawn up.

OP, write to whoever runs his hobby group. Tell them you are leaving your husband because his hobby has fucked your relationship and tell him/her thatyou are leaving the DCs on their doorstep as you are going to a rehablitation clinic in Paris for 6 months. Tell yuour husband the same, with your packed bags by the door......Then go to Paris. Will your children die? No. Somebody will have to look after them - and if your H doesn't want to, and it looks like he doesn't, then he will either hand them over to his parents, or have to make difficult decisions to look after them himself, or put them up for adoption/pay to settle them in transitional accommodation depending on their ages. You will be in Paris. Not Your Problem.

Wait what?? Is this a real suggestion?

He thinks what he's doing is fair / acceptable?? Either he's a liar, or he's out of touch and entitled beyond belief.

To answer your question, we have two pre-school aged children. My OH works six days a week, goes out to pub or friend's house about once a fortnight, and will take an evening to himself to play video games about one other week a fortnight.

For the most part when he's not working, we do chores together whilst chatting or listening to podcasts or music, and have days out as a family, or he spends quality time playing with the children, so that I can get on with chores. That's family life imo. There's time for hobbies which take up a lot of time, pre-children, and when they're a bit older and not interested in you.

Have NC for this comment! Husband has prioritised his fucking hobbies for over 30 years and am on the verge of leaving him …am now so resentful.I was an absolute mug when looking after the kids when they were little…just accepted that working a night shift and getting up at midday,facilitating his climbing was Ok .
Climbing,skiing and sailing is his life. He is now retired and still spending a huge amount of his pension on a fucking boat berthed 2 hours away!!
He also had another pension that he used on pissing off to the Himalayas when he was 60 …about another 8k !

No he won't. He can just not bother. Zero the OP can do. What women need to do is the hardest thing in the world: they need to say NO. NO I am not looking after your kid. NO I am not footing the bills with no support. NO you made this kid it's half yours so put the effort in...and if the arsehole doesn't step up, we put the kid up for adoption. Harsh. Painful. Awful. But unless women start saying properly N O, we will always be left holding the proverbial baby.

All the switching and ultimatums and shit don't work. The only thing you need to concentrate on is the next 20 or 30 years of your life, which you want to enjoy. He can have the bloodyt kids. Damn it. Grow as pair.

You should divorce him and agree terms. If he won';t have the children equal times, then tell him you don't want them at all. Women are still so bloody soft.

Did he have this habit before you agreed to marry him?

The stupid thing is, if you split he'll have to do more childcare.

Why on earth did you have children with him? Let alone marry him? Women really need to wake up.

Yep agree - switch for a couple of weeks or month. See if he really feels its ok and fair?

OP it sounds like he is getting a sweet deal getting to do his hobby so often while you do all the donkey work. He defo needs to rein it in and help with the chores more - no wonder you're feeling burnt out

Tell him you’ve got a new hobby that you want to do 3 times a week and he’ll have to be home for it. Then get out and do something you enjoy.
Either that or have a serious discussion about him not doing his bit and how overwhelmed you feel.
You can decide from his reaction what you need to do next.

Fair would you having as much away/downtime as him, which is obviously not the case. He's being ridiculous.

@Savemysweets its not ‘helping’ when it’s the mans own house and kids he chose to create. OP wrote he does nothing. There’s no point to him.

If you were buggaring off 2-3 evenings a week and one day at the weekend I’m sure it would be a different story OP

Many exercise threads have women who are out every morning or evening doing some kind of exercise. Is the problem that he doesn’t help when he’s home?

That's way too much and you're not unreasonable at all.

My DH had a hobby he got a bit obsessive about. He'd be out all Saturday till about 3pm and expect us to not go and do family stuff without him and wait till he got home so he could be included. I just started doing fun family stuff without him. It only took one or two times till he was fed up with feeling like the family was having fun without him and he was missing out. He's now home by 12 by his own decision.

I think the getting on with living your life without him (make sure you're doing extra fun stuff) can work. Or I'd try being out just as much. It's not like he can object, can he? Sometimes you just have to let them have natural consequences.

There’s absolutely no point to him. He’s a burden, leeching off you, a failure of a father and spouse. Indulging himself in misogynistic gender roles, which your kids will think is normal and aspirational.
Are you not angry he chooses to dump all the drudgery on to you? When you divorce, he’ll have to parent his kids, or pay you to do it.

Of course his hobby is excessive. And absolutely unfair you do nearly all the chores when you work just one day less than him. He is doing exactly what he wants and you are run ragged. I'd consider leaving this set up. He is totally selfish.

What is the hobby?

I think you need to point out that he can live the life of a single man or that of a family man but can't do both.
He has to realise that he can't have it all