Husband’s hobby destroying marriage

@Bella8209 I've re-read your posts a couple of times.

First things first. I don't think your husband will change. He is a fundamentally selfish man who loves golf (or whatever his hobby is) more than he loves you and your children.

I would recommend you do the following, in order to give him one last chance to save his marriage and his family on the off chance that he does care, and so that he can't say you pulled the rug out from under his feet in the very likely event that your marriage does end in divorce.

First of all, I would write down all the things you do for the home and family (every load of laundry, every meal, shop, bath and bedtime for the kids, life admin, buying birthday presents, taking kids to parties, putting petrol in the car, whatever you can think of), and everything he does. I would also write down, as you have here, how many hours per week he spends on his hobby, and how many hours a week you get to spend on yours, or on doing anything for yourself, provided he comes home from work in time which he often doesn't. Write it down and show it to him. Say, "I am absolutely flabbergasted that you think the amount of time you spend playing golf is reasonable and I wanted to write it down for you in black and white and hear you justify it."

Ask him how many tournaments he has currently entered and then ask him to drop out of half of them. He can drop out of them. Of course he can. If he broke his leg he would presumably have to drop out of all of them. The sky will not fall in. The tournaments will continue in his absence. Tell him that if he ever takes on another role on the committee your marriage will be over. Tell him that if you separate, he and the children will not see each other any less than they currently do, but you will have the opportunity to live a different life. A life without a husband who has checked out of family life. A life with the potential to meet someone else who actually loves, values and respects you and wants to spend time with you.

He might not think the amount of time he spends playing golf is excessive, but you do, and you're not willing to live like this, so the choice is his. It's golf, or his family. He cannot continue to have his cake and eat it.

The next thing I would do is see a solicitor. Find out what you could be entitled to in the event of a divorce. Get advice about what to do now to protect yourself. And have a divorce petition drawn up and ready to go. I am not a divorce lawyer but would be tempted to divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, because his behaviour is very very unreasonable. In the particulars on the divorce petition you will be able to spell out how he has consistently prioritised golf over his marriage to the point where there is nothing left to save.

Then if he doesn't listen, you wait until the day after a big golf tournament and you serve it on him and ask him to move out.

If that doesn't make him change his ways, nothing will, and you can get on with building a life without him.

One day he will be sitting old and alone in a retirement home somewhere with grown up children who don't visit, and let's hope he thinks the golf was worth it.

The hobby is not destroying your marriage, your husband is destroying your marriage. Unless he starts prioritising you, your children and your home, he will find there isn’t a marriage left.

So he has made a choice and he hasn't just chosen to carry on his bachelor life - he dipped for a while then made the choice his hobby is more important to him than you and his children.

"Next year" there will be some other reason to defer until you find another five years have continued like the last five - one at a time with "next year" being better.

I've known women in this situation who found life easier after becoming single parents as they just had their actual children to consider and not a self centred man child. A whole layer of stress and frustration was removed.

Aside from you h taking the piss and that's the issue here- the lack of parity. However If you only work 3d a week and have two primary aged kids I don't see how you are drowning ? And he only works 4d. That's pretty part time household income.

I am solo parent work ft 50-60 hrs per week and have two kids same as you. If I had two extra spare days I'd be living the life of Riley !

Focus of the fairness here.

His hobby isn’t the problem, the problem is the unequal division of household labour. My DH has a hobby takes the similar time but he does an equal amount of house and kid stuff, and there is no way I’d tolerate him being home late so I miss my hobby.

How sad your kids will be realising Daddy doesn’t want to spend time with them

DH and I are both cyclists. We still cycle but much less now we are parents.

We absolutely prioritise time with DC and cycling comes second to that.

A guy in our cycling club rides obsessively, often both days at weekends (out all day) plus in the week. His kids are about 9/10 now so old enough to see the situation for what it is. Every time we see him I always say to DH afterwards I bet his kids hate him and I have NO IDEA why his wife (who is lovely) hasn’t left!!

My husband was similar, he saw no issue with rugby training twice a week (obviously right over bedtime) and then fucking off all day to a match over the weekend. Plus he also worked a lot of weekends with his job so I was getting seriously shafted.

It caused a lot of problems in our marriage. He's scaled it back now but I put up with it for far too long.

My marriage ended for the same reason. In the end I wasn't seeing him any more, it was like a ghost house, his hobbies took priority over holidays and our life together entirely.
He was living in my house, paying nothing in, basically ignoring me unless he wanted sex.
Thank God we didn't have any kids together. I have an adult son from a previous marriage.
The face on it if I asked him to do some cleaning.
Total piss taking. He wasn't a husband, he was just someone passing by in the night.
What I would suggest is sitting down and talking to him when the kids are in bed and telling him that you will be seeking a divorce unless he does 50% of everything at home. Tell him you are not sure you love him any more because of his selfishness.
Whatever he says back is his answer, but actions speak louder than words.

Shit husband and shit father.
He couldn't care less about you all.
Divorce him and he'll probably never see his children.
How you have tolerated this is beyond me.
Your poor children with a father who doesn't care.
Do you cook, shop do his laundry?
More fool you if you do.
Move into a spare bedroom if you have one and stand up for yourself.
He is an absolute disgrace and your children deserve better.
There is no way that selfish waster would be hiding behind the respectability of a family with me.

He 'helps' put them to bed OP? What?

Tell him he can do his share, pay for someone else to do his share or get divorced so his share is forced upon him.

His choice. CF.

Of course he can pull out, they don't fine you or bar you. He doesn't want to. Becuase why would he, what's the consequence? Nothing. He gains everything and loses nothing by continuing to prioritise himself over his family.

I agree with the other posters. Match him. Every night he's in, you go out. Take a wekeend full day out. Yes it may upset the kids for a short time becuase theyre not used to you having a life, but long term, it will benefit them, and it will give them some much needed bonding time with their dad. You do it for a month. Ask him how he feels. If he's not willing to change then divorce him.

My guess is that he will INCREASE his time at his hobby. He'll not come home from work every working day in an active attempt to stop you going out. He'll be out of the house before you both weekend days. Becuase he knows it's not fair on the person being left at home, but he doesn't care so long as they person is you.

Personally I’d be done in your shoes, because even if he stayed home suddenly I’d probably resent him that much for putting me and the kids through years of him picking some sport over us. You don’t get those years back and I’d not want to waste anymore time sitting home waiting to see if he waltzed back in and washed up once a week.

Doesn’t sound like there’s much between you now besides a shared address (that you maintain) and that he’s technically the father of your kids, seemingly in name only since even they’ve picked up on the fact dad would rather be anywhere else but with them.

He's married his mum. He's behaving like a single man who lives with his mum and a couple of younger siblings.

No parental responsibility, no housework, cooking cleaning etc because you do it. He just lives his life with someone who enables him to act single.

I'd down tools, stop washing for him, do you facilitate his hobby, drop offs, collections, prep, tea at certain times etc, just stop, employ a cleaner to help, go back to work full time and he has to do all the childcare on his day off etc.

@WishIwasmumsy, your partner’s emotional blackmail and coercion is utterly abhorrent and abusive. Please Google and read this article in Healthline, “What
Does Sexual Coercion Look Like?” (I’m sorry I can’t provide a direct link as I can’t get my tablet to do this atm).

If you are not strong enough to stand up to him alone, please seek help and support. Try Victim Support UK and the National DA Helpline.

At the very least, I would be responding to his videos by sending him a link to the Coercion article and the page on Domestic Abuse on the Victim Support website. Perhaps it might make him stop and think about his behaviour when he realises he is committing a serious crime.

If you told him he has to choose between his family or his hobby do you think he would make the right choice? Make it clear he can no longer have both as you’ve had enough of him being a crap parent.

It's definitely golf!

How often are other’s husbands out? Maybe one evening a month during the week if there's a work dinner arranged.
Both our hobbies are quashed right now as we have a 2yr old and 4yr old and life is hard when there's only one parent around so to help each other out we just don't do that much stuff out with the house. Once in a blue moon for us going out.

Give him this thread to read.

Bring a president and doing competitions appeals to males - they get praise and feel like they are proving themselves. Lots of dopamine. Doing bedtime and chores doesn’t get attention from other males so is low value to him.

He won’t change unless you take a very strong stance here - lots of suggestions already given.

He's massively, massively taking the piss.

I'd draw up a list of all household tasks, divvy them up between you, and not do anything that is on his list.

It sounds like there is light at the end of the tunnel, but that doesn't alter the fact he has been massively selfish.

Can you cope in the interim by cutting right back on what you do for him?

Ask him what would happen if you had a hissy fit and left him with the kids for a week, or if he ended up in hospital for a week? Would the sport self-combust without him?

So selfish.

@Bella8209 is it golf?

VeryUnlikely So because OP/anyone else is married to a manchild who wont pull their weight ,They put their much loved and cared for child ,in a broken underfunded care system ? Do they have a similar system for errant men?! Seriously I cannot believe you are serious! There should be better and fairer divorce laws here, which enable women to get divorce without living in poverty! This week alone there has been a lady whose DH has not worked for the last 5 years! she still ends up doing majority of CC and HW even though she is earning in excess of 60k!

Of course he could pull put.
If he got injured he'd pull out
If he lost his job and had to get a new one which was not compatible with hobby he'd pull out
He could resign as President citing personal pressures.

These are all things that could be done. He doesn't want to do them because he doesn't feel as if he has to.