Husband’s hobby destroying marriage

A lot of men are fine until the DC arrive, then they fall back into more traditional family ways. He thinks if he works long hours then most of the rest of his time is his own. It's time he knew that the DC are not your hobby, that he needs to do more and sacrifice his golf or whatever until his DC are older. If your DC are already noticing his absence then it's time for him to make a choice.

I feel your pain. My husband is obsessed with his hobby and it’s one of the things we argue about frequently but nothing changes. If anything it has got worse over the years because he can now partake in most of his hobby at home, but it does take him away from the house too for many hours. My husband has taken a less demanding job so as soon as he's home he will get on with his hobby, refuses to cook, do DIY and cleaning, he becomes totally obsessed and it’s like an massive addiction. In my experience things will never change, the more I tell my husband how much I hate it, the more he does it…I’ve tried the whole not cooking ; washing his clothes; and giving him ultimatums but again doesn’t work. Ive been told by him to get a hobby but as I’m doing all the childcare and everything else it makes it somewhat difficult! I’ve often thought about a divorce and just biding my time.

He is the personification of selfish.

Of course he could quit! If he was sick he'd have to!

This will escalate I bet. He will be doing more and more out of the house. This arrangement suits him and it's crippling you. But he doesn't care because it's good for him.

Stop doing his stuff. No laundry, no meals. If he wants to be a single man he can fend for himself. I'm angry in your behalf. He's treating you like a convenience and his DC like an inconvenience. And then no doubt in years to come he'll moan that his DC aren't interested in him.

Yeah... he's bad.

I would start by telling him he HAD to be back for you to go to your fortnightly hobby. I'd be reminding him that morning, and 30mins before he needed to be leaving work to be home on time. I'd be making it massively clear to him that not enabling this was a very clear line of disrespect. If he can't do that then I'd say you don't have a marriage worth saving.

Next I'd drop all him related chores. He cleans up his own mess, does his own washing etc.

I'd then allocate him some time with the kids he has to stick to, and some chores he must do. Again it's a sign of respect.

I doubt he's going to change though OP, and if he does it will be for a year, then it will return. He basically doesn't care enough about you or his kids.

Wow op he basically treats you like his support human.

He sounds like he does very little parenting or chores.

What is the point of him exactly? What does he bring to the marriage?

Being happy in a child free marriage isn't the point here. OP just wants her DH to step up his game with family life. When your in love & in a happy marriage its mostly natural to want to have a baby together although there needs to be the desire along with a strong maternal instinct. Personally I couldn't imagine a life without my amazing children but its not for everyone.

Tell him he has a choice.

A, you split up and each get the children 50:50. One week about each

B, you stay together and each gets the same amount of leisure time - equal to the last minute. Add that choose and mental load and ferrying kids will be also be split equally.

There really isn’t an alternative if you want to be happy, OP.

I read this & became annoyed on your behalf OP. I wouldn't tolerate DH spending this amout of time out on his bike socialising while I take on the main responsibility of family life with everything it involves. I can't understand why your DH thinks this is acceptable.

He sounds so selfish. If he comes home and sees you exhausted (like close to tears) does he show any compassion? Just wondering is he addicted to this hobby/activity?

I’ve been this woman. Man child cyclist husband .. cycling 5-6 times a week. Early mornings somtimes so couldn’t help kids to school / evenings after work and weekend mornings huge cycles then ice baths and exhausted hungry and grumpy after. I did everything in home / kids. One evening I crashed the car reversing out of kids activity pick up. Rang for help - couldn’t answer on bike… I turned started standing up for myself. His response “I need this hobby for my mental health you are free to do the same “. Problem - who would mind the kids when we’re both not around ??? End result we split - his work and hobby still his king and the kids now teenagers don’t bother with him. They see him for the self centred extremely selfish man he was / is. I did everything anyway And my home is much happier without him. How I hated all those bikes / shoes / gear. He also used to spend hours cleaning the wheels on his 10k road bike. Man child - get rid. It’s hurtful and soul destroying - you and your kids deserve better. Good luck !

I wouldn't sit down and schedule it, just start doing it. It's the only way this situation is going to change, that or divorce papers.

You are right OP . His hobby and his attitude is destroying your marriage

Its easy to say but you need to vote with your feet. Stop making things comfortable for him.

You deserve time Your own time
What does he actually do during his 3 days off to support family life ? Does he take the kids too & from school ? Take them to activities? Housework etc?

Write it all down and have a serious conversation. Solutions need to be found now , not after his tournaments or the end of his Presidency.
Your sanity and this marriage won’t last another year x

If money's not tight, I'd say he needs to fund help around the house to take it to 50/50. You shouldn't be doing more of the chores than your fair share, OP.

More fool you is so blunt and brutal but honestly op, it's kinda right. I'm saying it with kindness and solidarity, even if it doesn't sound like it. Stop doing all the domestic shit for him. Really, why on earth are you doing all his laundry and cooking? Just stop. Seriously. Tell him to do his bloody own. It's really not your responsibility or job to do stuff like this. I bet if you start to withdraw domestic labour and start sticking up for yourself, he'll be gone because he's taking you for a fool and you're letting it happen.

There’s no fixed amount of time that parents should spend on hobbies, as long as it’s equal. If you spent 3 evenings and a full day at the weekend doing your own hobby, what would that look like for your family?

Help is the wrong word, should have ended sentence with nothing

He works 4 days a week what's he doing on the 5 th day? Nothing to help by the sound of it

It’s not his hobby ruining your marriage, it’s him

Sounds like golf. My dh would love to play golf but he only does it occasionally as he has kids. The vast majority of golfers are retired (kids grown up) or have no kids. He’s a selfish twat and becoming president is completely ridiculous if he has kids.

IF he was able to make a significant contribution to the household I think one or two evenings and one morning at weekend (early tee time so he’s home about lunch) is reasonable but your dh doing f all at home is not acceptable and I would be seriously telling him that you will no longer be his servant. You’re his wife and if he doesn’t pull his weight he’s out.

I do wonder if this amazingly important man would lift a finger at home even if he quit all golf tho….

He's not going to change. I am sorry.

I think you need to say either he cuts right back now and does his share or you are going to have to work out how your lives will look separated.

Presumably people drop out of tournaments due to injury so he can drop out due to personal circumstances. It's only his selfishness that says he "has" to keep going. Ditto the club president (it's golf isn't it?).

Id be wary that separated hed just do nothing for the family. It doesn't sound like he would want custody. Does he want his children to see him as a father? What would his family think if he abandoned his wife and kids?

if he is willing to change (seems unlikely) Draw up a list of evening responsibilities and chores and divide equally. As for weekends I feel one day every week (all year long?!) Is a pretty big ask. 2 and the weeknights away and you may as well divorce.

Are you sure he isn't having an affair? He could have a whole second family who think he works nights and you wouldn't know?! OK I'm being flippant but still, if you divorced you'd at least get some time where you weren't looking after the dc and there would be no more skiving for him.

Can I just point one thing out? Stop saying things like ‘he helps out them to bed’. He isn’t ‘helping’, he is doing a perfectly normal parental role. When he does something with/for his children or in the house, it isn’t helping. He doesn’t look after them ‘for you’. This sort of mindset is how men are able to get what they want, because you should be grateful to them for ‘helping’.

Also, as I said earlier as an ex golf-widow, he absolutely fucking can pull out of tournaments. It’s annoying because of the way they partner but there are always other men ready and willing to take part, I’ve seen men who have never played golf be slathering to join in at the exclusive club stuff.

If you do the laundry, no longer touch his fancy golf clothes. Do not launder them at all. Leave them in a pile on his side of the room to deal with. And again, be firm - either he changes, or he finds somewhere else to live.

You don’t owe him staying. He’s making choices every day, and sure he won’t be president next year, but that’s not because he’s choosing to prioritise his family (to occasionally not put them last anyway). You don’t owe him anything. If you’re done, because just about every choice he’s made for years has been based on the premise that the family and house are your problem and optional for him, that seeing his children is optional and so hes opted out, then you’re done. Seems fair to me.

What do you mean by he is “helping”? Is it not his house too? How on earth did you end up like this!?

From your update post I get a sense that underneath it all, your heart is already done with the relationship but your head is not there yet.

I suspect growing resentment will continue either on your part if nothing changes, or on his if he is pursued to change.