Husband’s hobby destroying marriage

I’m sure he loves his children but it doesn’t sound like he’s committed to family life. He basically just wants his life to continue like it always was - you looking after him, regular sex etc - but with the added bonus of little people who he plays with from time to time so they worship him and that makes him feel good. I’m not usually so black and white but I doubt he’ll change because he doesn’t want to. I suspect he’d put his hobbies before the kids if he was a single parent too.

If you weren’t with him, you would get a break. It shouldn’t need to come to this but it sounds like you need to make it very clear how you’re feeling and what will happen if nothing changes.

Just leave him. He is a lazy pig.

I'd suggest to him that he takes time out from his hobby until the kids are older, so you fairly and equally share all the domestic responsibilities.

OP What happens on his day off. He works 4 days a week , going out before the kids are up so he can’t help ??
What’s his excuse for the 5th day when he’s at home in a morning totally capable to get the kids ready and take them to school?

He seems to have totally checked out of family life

My husband is gone before we are up. So he empties the dishwasher or puts a meal into the slow cooker for dinner, and does the lunchboxes the night before, since I have to get 3 ready on my own.

Your poor kids. They will grow up instinctively knowing their father doesn't really care for them.

He must be aware that if you did as little parenting as he does then your children would be suffering massive, massive neglect. Why does he think it's OK for him to behave like this?

Equal leisure time, OP. You've presumably banked a few thousand hours that he's stolen from you. He can start doing what you usually do from now on, and you can do what he's been doing for the last few years. What's good for the goose, and all that. (I'm not suggesting you actually do this, but I'd be interested to hear his justification for why you shouldn't or why it wouldn't be fair. He doesn't get to say it wouldn't be fair on his team, by the way. The question is whether it's fair on his wife and children.)

It is NOT a partnership.

Time for a change.

Buy in help
He pays

@Bella8209

On weekends, he lies in until I kick him to get up and help. Unless of course he has a tournament to go to in which case he jumps at his alarm 🙄

This says it all really doesn't OP.

What a prick!

And his behaviour is teaching your children that it's fundamentally a woman's job to take responsibility for cooking, cleaning and childcare while it's a man's job to do the bits he can be arsed to as long as it doesn't impact his hobby.

Let that fuel your decision about what you're willing to tolerate and what is a dealbreaker.

Sorry he's so selfish, it's so depressing and so completely unfair to you.

Wtf would any man want to spend other men cycling or no cycling over his family. I'd be ok get your lycra on & enjoy, now FO

What is the hobby? Is it playing with Warhammer figurines?

You'd have more time for you if you were single and he had them every other weekend. The kids would probs have more quality time with him too… some food for thought!!

@Bella8209 please reframe your thinking and speech - he’s not required to ‘help’, he has to do HIS FAIR SHARE!!

I meant until his commitment runs out. I agree there's more to the problem.

It’s not just about this though, is it? Even if he was pulling his weight and allowing OP her own time to do a hobby, he still clearly has no interest in spending time with his young family at weekends and in the evening.

I think that says it all OP, never mind the chores.

Seems like you've pointed out a needed adjustment in your routine, @Nettdad - check his laundry basket more often. In fact, check it every day.

Hey,

Was looking for something else and stumbled across this. Dad here. Late 30s with a 3 year old. Sorry don’t know all the acronyms mumsnet uses so going to type this without them.

This guy seems to be taking the p*. I’m not sure how he’s getting away with it. I mean there’s nothing I’d like more than to spend a few hours a week at the bouldering wall but I’m certain my wife wouldn’t put up with that sh** and I’d be a single dad of one who sees my son half the week!

My wife and I worked out the following system on the advice of one of my directors (FTSE listed company), he does this with his wife and 2 kids and if he can find the time and run a billion pound company then I’m sure anybody can.

Monday evening).Just split the week 50/50. He does one week mornings and following week evenings. We tried that but I didn’t like re-acclimatising each week (easier to say to your mates let’s climb every

So now Monday, Wednesday, Friday I do mornings and Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday evenings. Sundays are together.

If I’m on mornings I’m responsible for getting him up, milk, get ready and drop him off to nursery. My wife has a lie in. If I’m on evenings I pick him up, make dinner, bathe him and put him to bed.

We do trade if required and more often than not end up doing a lot of things together but I know if I want to meet friends or go climb or grab a drink after work, Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings I’m free.

We do our own laundry and if his laundry basket is too full next person that notices it sticks in the the wash. TBF my wife notices that more than I do, but promise that’s just me not being very observant.

Because whether he is now doing his own laundry or not he is still obsessed with his hobby, therefore it hasn’t really solved the root of the issue.

He is being selfish and prioritising his own needs. Life changes when you have children and he needs to realise that!

@dutysuite What do you mean, it doesn't work? Surely he does his own laundry and cooking now? Sure, it's not going to turn him into a prince.....its not a magic wand but whilst you're figuring out whether to leave him or not (and you definitely should), the domestic burden isn't solely yours now.

His priority is clearly himself and his hobby, he's the star of his own show, you and the children are just props to facilitate his life and make him look good.
I would make a solid plan in private and then cut him loose so he can fully immerse himself in his hobbies, on his own without support.
Then you can go and live your best life and focus on yourself and your children.

It's one thing for an adult to accept and tolerate a partner whose priority is his hobbies, but to allow him to ignore his children and be a shit absent, disinterested father, while living in the family home is so awful. It absolutely marks the children for life.

I have friends that had fathers like this and it impacted their adult relationship with them.
As one said when her mother died and her father was expecting to be helped, he played golf for my entire childhood, I haven't a notion of spending time away from my children helping him, he can pay for help.