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Original poster

Husband’s hobby destroying marriage

232 replies

Bella8209 · 22/06/2024 23:03

Im wondering how much a partners hobby is too much? I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable. He has a hobby which takes him out 2-3 evenings a week, sometimes more and usually one full day of a weekend, sometimes 2 over the summer months. He works 4 days a week. We’ve 2 primary age kids . I work 3 days a week in a pretty physically demanding job and have to do all the housework, meal prep, shopping, organise kids for school plus extra activities such as swimming/dancing/brownies etc. He’ll do chores if I ask when he’s here but if the house is in a state or there’s washing piling up, he never takes initiative to help. I’m absolutely drowning. I brought it up tonight again and was flabbergasted at his response. He doesn’t think the amount he’s out is excessive? So I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable? I have a hobby which takes me out for 90 mins once a fortnight. But I don’t always get to that if he’s not home from work in time. This isn’t new this year, it’s been like this for years, but I’m just worn down more than ever. I really don’t want to tear the family apart but I feel I’d be happier on my own with the kids. How much is too much to be our? How often are other’s husbands out?

OP posts:
Mary46 · 22/06/2024 23:13

Its too much op. Very selfish. Good bit to do when they primary age kids.

Wolfiefan · 22/06/2024 23:12

Agreed. You don’t HAVE to do all that.
And it’s not “helping”. It’s being an adult and a parent.
Divide the chores. Make sure you each have equal free time.

GrumpyInsomniac · 22/06/2024 23:11

Would it focus his mind better if you told him that you were going to be out the other day of the weekend, and also for 2-3 evenings per week and expected him to hold the fort and take care of any outstanding household tasks in your absence?

And then do it. Seriously. If need be leave a list of all the things you would usually be doing instead of going out and say you expect them done in the same way you do them when he is out.

I would be shocked if he didn’t cave after a week. But the truth is, you’re supposed to be a partnership and you’re therefore supposed to have equal leisure opportunities. After all, if it’s not excessive, he should have no problem accommodating it.

SwordToFlamethrower · 22/06/2024 23:10

Ask to switch. You go out of the house for the same length of time he does, and he goes our once a fortnight for 90 minutes.

He can do the chores, meal prep etc too.

After this experiment for a month, how does he feel? How do you feel?

Personally, I feel he is using you for childcare, laundry and meals, and you're supportive his hobbies and lifestyle.

CountryMumof4 · 22/06/2024 23:10

If he took over more of the household/childcare tasks but retained his hobby, would you find that better? I had a partner who was massively into his road cycling, to the point that I felt like I was endlessly washing lycra and cooking meals with exact protein/carb requirements. He did pull his weight with household tasks to a certain degree, but I did lose patience in the end. There has to be an equal balance of effort on both sides.

Mmhmmn · 22/06/2024 23:09

have to do all the housework, meal prep, shopping, organise kids for school plus extra activities such as swimming/dancing/brownies etc. He’ll do chores if I ask when he’s here but if the house is in a state or there’s washing piling up, he never takes initiative to help

You don’t have to do all the housework. Don’t do it. Or given that you’re doing all that tell him he’s on meal prep.

Yet another man who’s married and had offspring but ensured his life and freedom stays exactly the same while a woman does everything around him. Fuck that, OP. It’s years since that was the acceptable norm.

candycane222 · 22/06/2024 23:08

He's massively taking the piss. Massively. If you left, he'd struggle to do his share of parenting without giving up some hobby time, so if he has any sense he'll voluntarily cut down the hobby time and get to stay married. If you were prepared to stay with someone who had treated you as a skivvy for so long, that is....