DH grumpy all weekend if I don't give him sex

I've been in your situation. The difference being that my partner was understanding and I never noticed any change in his mood... just sleeping habits if I'm honest. I would go to bed and he would stay up so it was quite obvious what was going on but at the time I'd honestly rather that than have sex. I got annoyed once because I said that he only came to bed when he knew sex was on the cards. He didn't even realise he was doing this until I pointed it out every time. The problem was that he is very physical and I'm not so much. It's more important for him than me.

I'd met him 18 months after my ex left me while I was pregnant. I had a c section, and then I had cervical cancer and most of my cervix removed within a year of living together. Then I became disabled from a genetic illness. I was very stressed all the time and just never felt in the mood. It wasn't because he didn't try and it wasn't his fault at all. I remember 5 years ago looking him dead in the eye and telling him to leave me and find someone who wants to have sex because I would never want to ever again. He said that was fine and he loved me and if that's how I feel that's OK. I was so annoyed. I felt like he didn't believe me and was holding out for me to change my mind. I'd convinced myself I was actually asexual. He never once intiated sex or mentioned it to me and I appreciated that.

Now my children are older and mostly look after themselves (I mean getting dressed, getting their own breakfast etc) I feel a lot less stressed. I have time to look after myself and do things I enjoy. Life is just easier. I now get in the mood all the time. Last night I was the one mithering when he had a headache. I cant believe how I felt 5 years ago and I'll forever feel lucky that he didn't just give up on me. I think one important thing is that we talk to each other. And also he is very understanding. If you can't talk and think about how the other person is feeling then I don't know how you will work around it. One piece of advice that really helped me , and I may have read it on here. "Have you ever had sex with your husband and not enjoyed it at the time?" For me the answer was no, it was the anticipation of having to be in the mood when I just never was that would put me off. I'd make every excuse under the sun and fallasleep on purpose. Afterwards I hated having to go and pee etc before sleeping. It felt like another chore really. But I never pretended to enjoy it.

@maggh there are some things healthy marriages can get through and with open and respectful communication aren't a reason to give up on a marriage - differences in how you want to spend weekends, parenting decisions, which home to buy, etc. Heck even figuring out what type of sex life you both want for your marriage - many people need to talk about this in their relationship and as long as fully consensual, no pressure, no consequences if someone doesn't agree, is healthy. 'Getting through' coercive sex when it's clear he hasn't cared the impact this has on you? This is not one of them.

I also have a suspicion this isn't the only area where maybe you don't have autonomy that feels safe in this marriage.

If he is making you feel he's won when he gets your body on his terms? Then something is very very wrong and you deserve much much better.

What an awful situation. PPs are quite right that your H is being coercive/abusive. It’s totally unacceptable. If you don’t want to have sex with him, you must say so. And he must respect that.

It reminds me of the Aesops fable of the North Wind and the Sun. If you coerce and pressure a person, they’ll naturally resist, hence your comment about not wanting to let him ‘win’ by enjoying it. Whereas if you make a person feel appreciated and desired, they’ll probably want to do it. He’s clearly not doing anything to make you feel special, if you feel like ‘a hole’.

But, it also goes both ways. It sounds like you’re not really into him, even if he weren’t coercive, due to your different personalities. Knowing you don’t want to be physical with him must make him feel undesired and miserable. In fact, it sounds like he may be depressed. And his lack of enthusiasm/grumpiness is escalating things further.

It’s a really tough one. First, do you want to stay with him? If so, you have young kids, which can really affect a couple’s sexual relationship. So, you should perhaps give yourselves grace and keep working at communicating, making each other feel special and having fun. Once the kids are a bit older, you may find more desire.

But, it sounds like you’ve never really enjoyed or looked forward to sex, either in previous relationships or for most of your current one. So, perhaps it’d help to ask yourself would you like to enjoy it or are you happy without it?

If the former, then perhaps a first step is figuring out what the barrier/solution is. Libido can be affected by lifestyle, rubbish lovers can be overcome by masturbation or maybe it’s more psychological (e.g fear of pregnancy or because you’ve been taught to view sex as dirty or unpleasant).

If the answer is you’re happier without it (and some people do prefer celibacy), then you need to be honest with your H. And you have to be prepared he doesn’t want to be celibate and you have to split.

Whatever happens, he must immediately stop expecting to have sex as some conjugal right (it’s not the 1950s) and start respecting your feelings. So, it’s probably best to make clear you don’t want to have sex for a certain amount of time while you contemplate how you want to move forward. Good luck.

Haha you're on the wrong place for constructive marital advice beyond "LTB".

Yanbu
sounds horrible op x
can I ask what his unhappiness is about ? I know you say it’s about no sex but you say he’s downcast, seems pretty miserable? I’m not making excuses for him but more concerned that people don’t tend to be hugely sexual active when unhappy/depressed?? If he is using sex as coping it’s a major red flag. Not that you need another one I know

It seems like you are mismatched sexually or you just don't want to have sex. I dont think once a week is an excessive ask. But on the other hand once a year with somebody you don't want to have sex with is too often. Seems you have a major problem and you need to consider whether staying in the relationship will make either of you happy.

Nobody should be forced to have sex if they don’t want to. However it’s hard to never have sex and feel rejected when you suggest it. So basically you would be better off apart. Life is too short to be in a relationship which isn’t fulfilling either persons needs.

Life is too short and the sense of dread must just be awful and draining for you. He’s turned you completely off with his attitude towards sex. That would be very hard to get back. As even when you do give in - I would struggle with constant “hurry up” thoughts and the feeling of violation . He’s sucking the life out of you. I would give him ultimatum of counselling or end of marriage. This will not change.

OP doesn’t want sex because he is an emotionally abusive grump. Not the other way round .

He doesn’t make her feel loved, OP feels he doesn’t even like her so he’s using her as a convenient hole to put his dick.
Such a turn off !

I bet if OP met someone who treated her well, her libido would miraculously reappear.

What kind of person is it that has sex (and enjoys it) with an unwilling partner ??

You're clearly not compatible and you need to separate. Have you actually told him you never want to have sex again?

When the children were small mine would pout and sulk sometimes, but all weekend that's concentrated unpleasantness and not nice for the children.

👌☝️🤝 100% agree

Clearly you have not been on the receiving end. Should go and look up threads where people are talking about the other side of it. But clearly doesn't fit your narrative that all men are sex crazed bastards and women are always right... i'm a female by the way.

Some men need spelling out that we need to be turned on to have sex and just as they cant have sex without an erection, we can’t have sex without a stimulated clitorus.

Moaning and whining does nothing to stimulate the clitorus. It’s a turn off. So no sex 🤷‍♀️

It’s quite simple but for some reason past the initial dating stage all the charm ,flirtation and attentive behaviour is forgotten and they suddenly think it’s “I need some sex so you must perform it on me”.

WTAF have I just read?!

What a rancid article! I'd never wanna have sex with him again, as long as I live. In fact, I'd tell him your vagina's closed for business, and to pack his bags and fuck off.

Being in a relationship with a lack of sex is soul destroying. I don't believe your husband is trying to coerce you into it by sulking, he is likely very effected by the rejection and it and it puts him into a short period of 'depression' for a couple of days.

It's not just as simple as saying sometimes people go off sex, sex is the deepest form of intamacy between couples and without it you are effectively in a friendship at best and at worst, a functional/co parenting relationship.

I disagree with the posts above saying he is forcing you to have sex, he is not. he is dissapointed with the situation he finds himself in and i can promise you, when you are repeatedly rejected when making a bid for emotional connection, you certainly don't feel walm butterflies towards that person. they are slowly destroying you at the core. When they stop reacting at all is when the problem has gone too far.

Hi OP, I totally get your frustration and lack of sexual desire. You are exhausted caring for 2 young children and it's easy not to feel sexual at all. Your husband is unreasonable to expect/dictate every Fri night. Lack of sexual relationships/minimal sexual relations are more normal than some might think when there are babies/young children. I am not making excuses for your husband but men and women view sex differently; I really think communication and compromise is needed. To hold you to ransom for sex is totally unacceptable, you definitely need to talk. Please try and work through this, it is better all around if children are brought up by 2 supportive parents who care and respect each other. If the situation continues, you will both get increasingly resentful/ Take care

Would he be more inclined to join you in counselling if he didn't get sex?

🤪 seriously.

As so often with these things there's a lot of assumption flying around about what's causing what. But sometimes, some people just don't like sex. Sometimes people who used to like it just stop liking it. Particularly women related to childbirth or menopause, but sometimes men too.

People with different sized libidos can sometimes compromise effectively, but I don't think someone who wants sex and someone who doesn't want it at all can ever be happy with each other.

Have you told him this? That him being so negative all the time is putting you right off? He can’t just whinge about the lack of sex when his negativity is putting you off?

Agreeing to avoid a grumpy weekend is not a free choice.

Yes it is. The choices we make have an effect on other people and they respond. "Freedom" of choice doesn't mean a state where this somehow magically stops happening and everybody responds the way we want them to.

The OP is free to have sex or not. Her DH is free to be grumpy or not. They're free to stay in a crap relationship and make each other miserable for the next 50 years, or not.