DH grumpy all weekend if I don't give him sex

Exactly this. He sounds like a proper repugnant pig! I'd been putting measures into place to leave him to be honest with you. How vile and hideous and off-putting having a husband who just want to jump you and shoot his load into you (and doesn't give a fuck what you think about it.) He is basically just using you as a sex toy.

Who would stay married to someone like this. You have my pity OP. A few women on here are excusing this individual's behaviour. Imagine having your bar set THAT low?!

She said it’s not something she wants to enjoy and she doesn’t want him to win if she does.

We have two under 5 and I wouldn’t be happy if DH decided I was going to be celibate forever if that’s what staying married to me meant

This is such an unfair comment, show me any woman who wants to have sex with a man who puts zero effort in, and sees it as a duty his wife must perform for him on demand. HE is the one destroying her sex drive, along with two under 5s. She’s still having sex with him, but he has no one to blame but himself for this situation. Men don’t get to demand that their sex life never changes but they can stop putting in any effort whatsoever. Even the language in theOPs post “give him sex”, he doesn’t see it as something she should enjoy, just a duty she must perform.

Maybe you need some counselling yourself first OP? And then if that is going well, couples counselling.

You make it sound like a chore. Sex should be exciting and pleasurable with all your senses tingling, a rush of love and ecstasy when you orgasm. He should make you feel like a queen, a goddess even!

If these things don't happen then it isn't the sex, it how you feel about him/and/or how he performs. Sex isn't about piv. It should be something you give or relinquish to him. You're doing it wrong if that is so.

Didn't read the post, just the title. Give no sex during the week either. Free yourself from the man child sex pest. He doesn't love or respect you.

That is beyond fucking crazy! You won't have sex because if you enjoy it, he's won??

Are you really prepared to live the rest of your days being this miserable together?

Neither of you seem to enjoy each other's company and it seems as though neither of you have had any serious conversations either,you just got married and had kids because it was expected rather than wanted. Now you're both unhappy. Yikes!

She has said he is refusing counselling and that she has asked him for it.

Butni agree with you. There’s more to this than sex. The focus is on the sex but that’s not the root of the issue. I imagine there is a lot more at play, due to unbalanced in the general housekeeping/parental roles for example.

There’s only one place to go next with a marriage like this that you both don’t want to leave, and that’s counselling. You need a mediator to help you discuss both of your needs, neither of which are being met. Just gently suggest that there are barriers between us that are affecting both of us’ happiness and can we try some counselling, which may lead to a way forward x

Why is it that you don't want sex? Is it because you are tired or because of the build up towards sex? Is It not very focused on you?

If I was you, I would ask my partner to make Friday night a date night. Tell him to get you something you want to get you in the mood. Maybe a massage, some chocolates. Make it fun and cute. Something you genuinely want. If you want to be married to this man you need to communicate to him. Men have sex with their wives to love them. How can you both be in a relationship if there is zero intimacy.

I would rather my partner expect sex once a week on a specific day. That's quite nice, at least it can be "a thing".

I'm sorry but you're wrong. Punishing a partner by sulking, stonewalling, refusing to engage with household tasks and family life until they get sex is coercion. Just because the punishment isn't physical force doesn't mean it's not punishment. Abuse isn't only about physical violence.

No, she's not being coercive by wanting him to stay married to her. That's not what coercive means. The whole situation is toxic but she's not coercing him.

I sometimes get edgy when I need sex, but I wouldn’t want anyone to have sex with me to avoid a mood; so you should never have to do that. Does he know you’re feeling this way?

This all sounds gloomy though if you’re on such opposite ends where you could live happily without it, and he’s getting shitty without it. You both need to address this openly and find a compromise in order to carry on the marriage in a meaningful way. Resentment kills relationships.

That may be true of some relationships but not this one. The lack of sex is the symptom here, not the cause. He’s a whiny negative man-child who doesn’t feel the need to consider his partner’s feelings or who is interested in any kind of compromise in their wider life. They’re fundamentally mismatched in and out of the bedroom. Did you read the comment about him bringing out the whips and ball gags to use on a woman he knows doesn’t really want sex? What part of that is regretful disappointment?

I’m a woman who has the higher libido in my relationship and who has chosen to stay in a predominantly sex-free marriage because I still love my husband and we have a good life together. I would love more sex and I did have to work through feeling rejected when it died away, but not once did I coerce him into anything he didn’t want to do, through sulking or guilt tripping or blaming him for me not making other changes as some kind of twisted barter system. All of which this unpleasant man has done to the OP.

This is frustrating to read. You are placing all the blame on the OP without delving deeper into their relationship.

He is refusing couples counselling so he can’t be that bothered can he?

OP - what is the rest of your relationship like?

Everyone is so focused on the sex part, but I think after children things shift drastically for women and if the rest of the relationship is one sided then you don’t want to have sex.

Is he a good husband otherwise? A good father? And you don’t feel like sex due to something like hormones? Or is he useless and then expects sex? And the feeling of never wanting to have sex again is because you’re exhausted and feel drained and generally uncared for?

Sex is a small part of a relationship and it can often indicate the state of the rest of the relationship.

@StormingNorman Glad you're not MY husband.
👍

So sorry, OP.
I read your other updates.
I have never been into sex much, therefore
I married the way I did. No kids.
These suggestions that you might enjoy sex with someone else - well, I cannot speak for you but
methinks it's probably a big fat no.
You would feel happier just with your kids,
if possible.

Parts of your post really stand out.
He’d give up smoking if YOU provided sex more? What’s that? How are you responsible for his smoking?
And yes, people walk out of relationships for far less. I left a very similar sounding man when I was 4 months pregnant. So painful, but so much better than ‘lying there’ for the next ten years.

That's not the definition of coercion. Coercion means using force, threat or intimidation to make somebody do something.

Simply reacting unhappily to or sulking something is not a force, threat or intimidation. If it were, half of what we do all the time would be "coercion". Complain because your partner doesn't do the dishes? Oooh, bad... you're coercing them into doing the dishes!

Somehow some people have slipped from the realisation that they have the right to live free of coercion, into the idea that their partner doesn't have the right to react to things according their own emotions, needs, hopes, likes and dislikes.

If the OP doesn't like her partner's responses then she's free to respond in turn however she wishes (that's why it's not coercion) - which includes not having sex, or leaving him if that's the best solution. But you don't get to program other people to only have exactly the emotional responses that you approve of or that are convenient to you. One could almost say its coercive to try.

You need to revisit the definition of coercion. He is most definitely coercive.

This.
I'm 45, not single and haven't had sex in 5 years,
it absolutely repulses me (not husband, in general).
He is three decades older, very healthy, but easily adjusted to a "sexless marriage" for the sake of us being together.
And after discussion, we are both fine.
When the inevitable happens, I will not let a man in my close proximity if I lived for another hundred years.

So you don't want automaton sex every Friday night. You don't want a sulky grumpy husband when he hasn't had his way. Both understandable.
How is your relationship in other ways?

Does he do his share of housework and childcare? Feeling like somebody's drudge is a total turnoff (and you should tell him if this is the case) and a man being a good dad and taking some of the mental/physical load of family life can do wonders for the libido (well, it means you're less exhausted!).

Are you physically intimate in other ways? You say you have two under 5s - do you make time to cuddle, hold hands, show affection to each other on the other days of the week? Because touching and being touched by someone we love increases want for that touch, it would mean you would probably be more open to persuasion on Friday night rather than being horrified at the thought.

And lastly, if he wants it make him work for it. If he knows that's when you've both got time, he should be aiming to please you as well. Romantic lighting, music, foreplay...yes it sounds cheesy but men seem to be in the mood at the flick of a switch, women don't work that way.

If all else fails, how much do you want to live like this?

By your logic @maggh is also being coercive. She's said plainly that she doesn't desire him sexually, and hasn't for several years, but wants him to stay married to her. So the advice sought by the OP is essentially how do I coerce him in to that? Your definition btw, not mine.

I'd stress that I don't consider either coercive, what it actually is is a marriage at complete odds (and unfortunately I doubt they'll find a way through that will make them both happy).

Ok , have you actually told him that you hate sex with him and from TODAY , no more sex .
it sounds like you don’t care if he leaves you , so that means you don’t love him , it should be very easy for you to break things off with him . Because you won’t feel heartbroken .
why don’t you tell him , right , you have 2 weeks and I want you out . No more sex , we are over !
tell him you’re over officially and no more sex from today and start sorting out divorce papers . I know you said he won’t leave , but he is going to have to leave without a choice if you kick him out and get the divorce papers together ?
or if worse comes to worse , then can’t you just leave ? Take as much time as you need to get everything together and leave with your children ? At least if he knows your relationship is OVER from today , he won’t expect sex and you can relax about it and make plans to move , without being kicked out asap . Or wait for him to move out , give him 2 weeks whatever .