DH grumpy all weekend if I don't give him sex

If you do want to try to change things, have a look at how you two can reconnect and how he can reconnect with his family as a whole.
This can work as often difficulties arise through feeling disconnected.
The issue is that he has to grow up, take responsibility and put some effort into keeping a strong connection with his family.
So this will come in physical ways as well as verbal.
Things like hugs, kisses, play fighting, tickling, and other touch. Maybe a massage. Also things like little gifts, cups of tea and meals for each other and so on.
And then verbal is just talking to each other, listening, praising, validating and showing affection through words and actions.
Generally spending lots of quality time together.

@maggh oh one last thing I wanted to mention again is , can’t you take a short break from your husband , let’s say 2 weeks or a month being separated ? This would defenetly give you great amount of head space to think things through and make the right decisions? Maybe you could go and stay with your parents or relatives with the kids or better even if he would go ?
that would be easier . If your husband really wants to keep you , he would do it in a heartbeat if he knew that divorce would be the next step if he didn’t give you the space you’re so desperately needing right now ? Xx

You have a lot to process, OP. The realisation of what is being done to you, and what your husband truly is, is huge, traumatic, and a great deal to take in. You likely won't even be able to comprehend it overnight.

You've taken the first important step in your realisation that something is badly wrong and in posting for advice and help.

I hope you are able to take steps to protect yourself at your own pace. The site will be there for you when you need it. 💐

@maggh so sorrry you’re in this complicated relationship 😢I don’t know what to say anymore other than you probably know what to do , but if you feel like you can’t leave him , then you also know how stressful your life is going to end up being years and years from now on x I wish you best of luck with whatever you decide to do though x at least you know your options and all these people on here have given you amazing advice too as an outsiders . Much love 😘

Another question popped into my mind is : if you ever left your husband and said it’s over , he would surely be very upset ,that’s for sure , but shouldn’t you be happy that he’s upset after all he put you through instead of being hurt seeing him upset ? Could this indicate that you do love him still deep inside to feel hurt to see him upset ? I know for sure that if my partner treated me like crap, I’d be laughing at him when I tell him it’s over ! And I woudnt give a damn how upset he would end up being after hurting me for years and years and never considered my feelings when we were together and he had a chance to be nice but didn’t .

Fxxking hell, he is absolutely vile.

A rapist who emotionally abuses his children and wife.
Despises his wife and children.
Avoids them whenever possible.

And he's a devoted Catholic 🙄. Non practicing Catholic here, but it doesn't surprise me. His type of Catholic more devoted to keeping their marriages intact for optics, but not actually giving a shit about treating their spouses decently.

OP, there are some good priests about, how about you reach out and tell your local one that your husband rapes you regularly and see what he says....you might be very surprised that he reccomends you go to the police.

What about your family and friends?
Can you tell them the truth?
Please contact Women's aid as they will set you straight that you are all being abused by a house terrorist.

I feel so sorry for you and your children.

He is a vile horror.

Love languages are only relevant where there is mutual love. This guy isn't loving to OP at all.

You need to remind him of "enthusiastic consent"!

You should never be making yourself have sex to please someone else. He's VILE.

I was in a marriage exactly the same as this right down to the sex expectation on a Friday. In fact the details you provided made me think I must have posted this in my sleep 😱

It's horrendous, the dark atmosphere that descends because you're viewed as a machine that provides goods/services and not a person.

So if you don't provide sex, you deserve to be treated like shit. After all, no one asks a washing machine if it's happy when it breaks down.

I took it for many years, the dread when I realised that he'd expect sex as it'd been a week since he last had any. But in that week there had been no affection, no love or attention or doing his fair share of domestic tasks, so of course I would rather dig out my eyes with a spoon than touch him.

But if I didn't, I would be punished. I'd get the silent treatment all weekend, the atmosphere would be toxic and I would end up capitulating just so the kids wouldn't be exposed to it.

But
I after 14 years of marriage I got out. I'm free. I was so scared to be a single mum but after I kicked his nasty sex pest arse out, I realised that I was doing it on my own anyway. The only fucking thing the loser did was cut the grass and wash my car once in a blue moon, and you know what I do that now too 🤣 it's no big deal.

You might not be able to leave right now, it took me 7 years once it became clear that he thought he had me trapped with the two kids so the mask entirely dropped.

Of course with hindsight, there were signs but i was young and in love. Don't feel bad or beat yourself up for being in this position, you are not the one who pretended to be a decent person.

Plan your escape, confide in someone in real life what it's like to be treated like a glorified wank sock. I didn't just do it for me, I did it for my daughter so that she could see that you don't have to take this kind of treatment. Take care.

have You read the 5 love languages? Sounds cheesy but I do think there is some merit in how individuals express love. What would make him more attractive to you? With 2 young kids keeping the romance alive is flippin difficult. Maybe couples therapy? Amy chance your lack of desire is perimenopause? Or is he just revolting? He’s giving me the ick.

@maggh you deserve so much better and so do your kids ! You deserve someone who takes half the share in everything including house work and kids stuff . Not fair on you to do it all at all . Supportive partner would 100% take on half of the chores so that his wife would be content and happy , but obviously your husband doesn’t give a damn about you or your feelings . It’s just an easy life for him because he sees you as a slave . Like why would he leave 🤷

Question.

Why do you love him?

Really? Why?

What does he do that makes you love him?

Because everything you've written here points to a person undeserving of your time. Every day, week, month and year you stay with this man, you're swapping the time you have on earth for him.. if you got shot tomorrow and pay on your death bed, do you think you'd be glad you exchanged the time you got for a life with him? Or do you think you'd regret it?
Sure, you have kids.. but.. is that the total of the positive impact on your life?

Be honest.

Yes this is very complicated and sad situation but I guess it’s either save him from being upset or save yourself from years and years of hurt to come . This is the choice unfortunalty , that’s just life . Sometime we have to do things that we hate to do but it ends up being the best decision in the long run . I don’t think should start loving him again just because you don’t want to leave him and be upset , because I don’t think it’s possible to love a man like him anymore . He’s depressing and bringing negatives vibes into your life .

I really feel for you OP. I can see how it's all crept up on you, that's totally understandable and not your fault. I guess the question is what do you do now it's got this bad? I guess that must be so hard when you are burdened with dealing with everything a family needs. Is there any way to get some breathing space and think about things or talk over with a friend or counsellor? Get signed off work for a bit, or family step in and take the kids and you go away by yourself for a weekend, or even (god forbid) husband takes the kids for a day? It sounds really hard to think about it all under these conditions and must be so distressing. Hope you can get support.

@maggh can I ask is there a reason you won’t tell him it’s over today ? Would this be possible ? Or is there a reason you’re delaying this conversation ? Or are you hoping it will work out some day ?

Yes it’s very clear that he is super grumpy and unhelpful ! Urggg , so lazy man ! I think councelling is a great idea but I think this relationship is long gone past saving . I don’t think you can go from basically hating some one to loving them again , it’s long gone , time to face the truth and go seperate ways im afraid . For you it would be wonderful , for him not so much . So if you want to start living again , and being happy , you need to make the first move to say it’s over . The quicker you do that the quicker you’ll be happier and free of a man child .

Your marriage is AWFUL but you won't consider leaving. What do you think is going to happen?

He doesn't leave because you are doing the adulting for him- taking care of the kids and the house. He wants the trappings of family life so he looks like a family man from the outside, but he doesn't want to put in any effort. If he was single, he'd be expected to have custody time with the kids and actually parent. He'd have to do all his own housework. He doesn't want that, so you are useful to him. What he'll do instead of leaving is cheat.