DH grumpy all weekend if I don't give him sex

Not just with him, just sex in general, I find it so disgusting.

In that case — if you genuinely can't imagine having and enjoying sex ever again, even if your DH was no longer on the scene and you met someone else — then it might be helpful to talk to a psychologist or sex therapist (on your own, at least to start with).

No, being coerced into having sex you don't want or enjoy is the worst feeling, his behaviour has semi caused this reluctance, stop putting all the blame on op it's disgusting.

Why don’t you want sex?

You need to stop doing it completely until you actually want to. This is coersion. If you never want to again then you can consider leaving but there's no rush for that. He needs to realise what he is doing.

My ExH was like that, also married early 20s. After I left him, it turned out I had a quite a healthy sex drive. 7 years into my marriage with current DH, I still do. You know why? Because it's not a duty that is expected. DH wants sex with me because he wants ME and wants me to have a nice time too. If I say I'm tired, he gives me hug and pours me a wine and we watch Netflix. There is ZERO pressure. It's purely and always nothing but enthusiastically consensual.

ExH used to sulk, get moody, and make me feel like I was nothing but a hole and a failure of a wife. Like my feelings and pleasure didn't matter as long as HE got what he wanted.

How the hell can you get excited by that? KNOWING that if you don't perform, you'll have a weekend of being treated like shit. The threat of that alone would make any woman close up.

I think your update shows this is a long term issue for you. Do you want to want to have sex again?

Given your update do you think he’ll want to stay married with things as they are? Would you want to be with him if you knew he was literally repulsed by you? It’s not about you giving up, he could be the one to want a divorce.

Would you mind him having sex with someone else?

If he NEEDS an orgasm refer him to Madam Palm and her five beautiful daughters.

Basically, he's throwing a tantrum if he doesn't get what he wants. You can hand on heart tell him that smoking fucks up sexual performance. I used to have this with my ex and drink. It's a well sung refrain of " if you don't .... then I could ..." He's making you responfible for things he doesn't want to change.

This is only going to get worse, not better and there's absolutely NOTHING you can do. Been there, got the t shirt.

Do what YOU want to do. It'll be wrong but whatever you do will be wrong. The next time he's in a strop, sling him outside with a packet of fags. He'll only act up with things you don't like. And that's the best way of stopping him smoking. He'll think of something else but show that you don't care.

BTW you only don't want sex with him. Someone else will make you change your mind.

@maggh Ultimately I think it’s you who needs to make this right , because it’s you who doesn’t want sex with him , not him . It’s you who has changed , not him , so it’s for you to fix . And you can’t really be mad at him for sulking as he probably never saw this sexless marriage coming , and he feels like he has to force sex with you because otherwise he will never get it and that must feel horrible for him . And for you too ofcourse , so that’s why I think your marriage has run its course because it’s not fair on both of you . Not fair on you to HAVE to have sex when you don’t to , and not fair on him having to stick around for a person who doesn’t want him in bed whatsoever , when you DID want him at the beginning of your relationship but not anymore . Not feeling wanted is the worst feeling ever , feeling of rejection by your partner .

Oh @maggh I dont think this is going to improve mate! You are repulsed by the idea of sex with him and have been doing it through gritted teeth?!

You say a divorce would be giving up too easily but how else do you think this story ends?

.

The relationship is over then, I certainly wouldn't stay in a sexless relationship

You can actually say no to sex for any reason you want. You can say no to sex as the sky is blue today if you want. I think you need to follow the transformed wife on Facebook as she’ll be more aligned with your views on sex in marriage.

How long has this been going on for?

I don’t think people should give up on marriages easily but I’m not sure how you think it’s going to get any better.

He wants more sex and you want less and either way one of you is miserable about it - how can either of you compromise on this?

Are you going to continue having sex with him when you don’t want it?
Or put up with his moods every weekend?

You can try talking to him and perhaps going to counselling but I can’t see how this is going to get any better.

If you remove the sex aspect of it, what is the relationship like in general?

It does seem odd that he’s grumpy on the weekends and not during the week.
Perhaps it’s not just about the sex but he’s also unhappy with family life.

The way you describe it “give him sex” or he says you give him sex is wrong. You should want to have sex and I can’t see anything he’s doing that would make you want to. It’s okay when relationships break down and end, you shouldn’t have to stay and “give him sex” to avoid his moods.
I couldn’t have sex for a very long time due to injury. Like years. My DH just made me feel more loved not that I was denying him.

I agree with @Livelovebehappy

In both my marriages I went off my husband after about seven years, and really got to the stage where I couldn’t bear to have sex with them. It was horrendous living like that, so I really feel for you @maggh .

However, the second time it happened, I had matured enough to see how much my behaviour was affecting my DH self esteem.

My advice is to think long and hard about whether you can fancy your DH again, and what it would take to get there. Or you decide it’s fairer to let him go and have the chance of a relationship with someone who does really want him as a sexual partner.

Are you holding on because you really love him and desperately want him, or because he’s the convenient option?

This doesn't sound great either.

No but he has to see where he is wrong and out of order and has to put 100% effort into making thing right and better.

I have a friend who experienced this same thing in her marriage. Her dh would pressure her daily to have sex, and it started to make her anxious and stressed, so in fact had the opposite effect, and she withdrew from him emotionally. In the end he did leave her for someone else, but then after the initial upset, she started to feel liberated and happier that she no longer had that pressure. She was no longer walking on eggshells or having to force herself to do something she didn’t want to do. If the sexual attraction on your side is no longer there, free yourself from this awful situation. Life’s too short.

@maggh I think it’s wrong to ask for sex every Friday night but there must be a back story to this , did you have lots of sex with him at the beginning of the relationship and now you are not interested in sex anymore ? This is also not fair on him , you can’t just say NO to sex unless you want a divorce , he’s been starved on sexual activity and maybe that’s why he’s suggestion sex every Friday night because otherwise you would never do it ? Sounds like he’s frustrated with this sexless marriage situation , that’s why he’s having to plan sex on every Friday night as a chore . I mean it’s not sexless marriage but it very well would be if he didn’t mention it to you every Friday . He knows that if he didn’t plan Friday nights , you’d never want or ask him yourself to do it any other day of the week . His self esteem must be shot to pieces you not wanting him , it feels like a chore to him because he knows deep inside you just doing it to get it over and done with , but you’re not actually enjoying it . Like you said you’d rather never have sex again if you could .

It's worth trying some things. The way you feel now isn't necessarily the way you will always feel. You have two children under 5!

If as a couple you want to think about a medical route, there are lots of medications that reduce libido, if your dh wants to try them...?

[ OK that's slightly tongue in cheek]

I'd strongly recommend couples therapy (not sex therapy) to promote better communication and greater intimacy, with or without sex, between you.

It has to be said that scheduled sex is sometimes recommended to maintain connection. Maybe he's trying to do that?

Do you ever enjoy sex? Do you orgasm? I never orgasmed with a partner until I was 49, and it did make me much less interested in sex. I also realised after I'd stopped using them that all hormonal contraception affects my libido. Would trying a change of contraception be worthwhile?

Many marriages have periods of sex drought when one party or the other is exhausted or stressed and doesn’t have a desire for sex. Its not always the woman refusing and the man demanding. But whatever the marriage can’t endure permanently sexless if both parties are Not equally ij with it.