DH grumpy all weekend if I don't give him sex

Nobody should have to have to sex if they don't want to. You are completely entitled not to have sex - it's horrible and it feels violating and upsetting to have sex when you really don't want to and are actively feeling repulsed and disgusted.

Your husband should absolutely not be demanding that you 'give him sex' and using it as a transaction.

However... I don't think it's particularly normal for a woman to completely go off sex to the point where they are 'repulsed by it all' and 'find it disgusting' regardless of who it's with.

There are often posts on Mumsnet from women whose husbands have zero interest in sex of any kind, and the women feel miserable, unloved and undesired as a result. Generally speaking, the advice they get is to end the marriage - they don't get told that they're being selfish pigs to want sex, they don't get told that it's their fault for being grumpy and undesirable. They get to see a sex therapist as a couple and then to leave if that doesn't help.

Ultimately, you should not be having to 'give' someone sex if you hate it. But I also think you're being very dismissive about the fact that you don't want a sexual relationship with your husband. You're talking about being utterly repulsed by the thought of any sexual contact with anyone as if that's just normal - but it absolutely isn't normal and I don't honestly think you can expect your husband to be happy with that situation. In a marriage, you can't reasonably expect one partner to give up any hope of a fulfilling sex life and be happy about that. I don't think it's fair on either of you to continue with this marriage.

I've not read every post on here but I have read all of OP's posts. You poor soul, OP. I was once in a marriage that sounds mighty similar to yours and I too blamed myself for his bullying inadequacies and indifference.It may not be now, or next year, but this marriage needs to end. He is not a good person.

OP, love is a verb. You say he loves his kids, you presume at some level he still loves you. But love is doing, not saying.

What he loves, if anything, is the idea of himself as a husband and father. The reality, apparently, not so much. Not when it means having to put himself second after the needs of those he professes to love. Not when it means putting himself in environments that are a bit crap and boring for adults: kid's gyms, playgrounds, soft play, play dates etc. You don't do those things because they're enriching cultural experiences, you do them because the children enjoy them and it's good for them to do that stuff. Except he doesn't do them, because he's lazy and selfish. He's putting himself first, always, and men like that don't change.

Similarly, I think you're in love with the idea of him as a husband and father, an equal partner, a man who loves you and the family you've created together. But again, the reality is very different, isn't it? When does he show you, by doing, that he loves you or the kids? When does he put you first, when does he inconvenience himself even slightly to do something to benefit you or the children? Having read all your posts on this thread, I'd have a reasonable stab at answering that question in one word: "never".

He won't change. Those of us who recognise this type of man (my father is one) know that.

I think the best thing you could do is look into solo counselling for you, to help you unpick the impact that your troubled childhood is continuing to have on your adult life, and to get some clarity on your thoughts and feelings towards your relationship and the behaviour you want modelled and to model for your children. It would be an opportunity for you to consider what kind of life you want for yourself and for them, what would have to change for that to happen, and how much of that is in your control - what's a realistic expectation if you stay, and what could be possible if you leave.

I wouldn’t have sex with him just because he’s a shit dad and a shit partner, without even getting to the expectations. If my husband was going to be a shit all weekend if he didn’t get sex I’d boot him out the door and he can come back when he is going to be a net contributor not a pathetic poor me net whiner. And if it happens again he won’t get a free weekend, he’ll get the kids for the weekend while I take a free weekend, as preparation for regular single parenting. I don’t know why women think ‘he does love them really, he just hates spending any time with them or having to look after them.’ What is love anyway? It’s not that. You need to get a whole lot more selfish and stop accommodating this. ‘Yes I can see everything about us makes you shitty. Nobody is making you stay here. Now you can smile and come to the park and play with the kids you chose to have or you can get out of their lives because they deserve better than what you give them. And so do I.’ That’s the truth OP.

I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex with him. He sounds very unappealing.

If you leave him you'll never have sex with him again. Wouldn't that be nice?

Ps. Coercive sex is RAPE

Raise your standards. He's repulsive

A thought. Wait until he is due home. Sit little ones safely and run yourself a nice bath. As soon as he walks through the door, tell him they are in the living room and need feeding, that the washing needs putting in the dryer, and and list any other chores you would be doing prior to going to bed. Tell him you are preparing for sex, and foreplay includes HIM doing all of these things while you relax and wait for him. You may well feel like it, and he certainly wont.😅

Hi OP, have you thought about getting counselling just for yourself? I think you could benefit from therapy about the difficulties you have had in the past?

Sorry, I did not see that :)

I’ve just read all your posts and this one explains a lot. I really feel for you 🤗. Does your H know about the sex blackmailing? If so, it makes it all the worse he’s demanding and coercing you into sex.

The lack of a healthy relationship when you were growing up is also insightful. When abuse is normalised in childhood, it’s harder to see it. And I’m afraid from what you’ve described your H is abusive: sexually and emotionally. He may not mean to be, but he is.

I was in a similar situation to you, though nowhere near as bad and without the sex coercion and lack of interest in the kids. I loved him v much (still do) and didn’t want to put my kids through a relationship breakdown, as I’d been affected by a bitter divorce and dysfunctional family.

I also expected him to take his fair share of the household load once we had kids. Like your H, his mother did everything at home. But he didn’t step up and instead became more and more morose/negative and wouldn’t go to counselling or talk to anyone. I was carrying so much, I ended up with depression and anxiety. He wouldn’t move out (not even temporarily). I couldn’t afford to leave with the kids and he knew it. It became a war of attrition.

After counselling, anguished soul-searching and even reaching out to both our families (poor response), plus many warnings things had to change, I reluctantly concluded that, while he said he loved me, he didn’t love me enough. I told him it was over. After a couple more years, we stopped living together. By then, the kids were older and it affected them more than if it’d happened earlier.

Everyone’s different. I don’t know you. You sound v self-aware, empathetic and strong. You sound a fantastic mum. You sound like you’d be much happier on your own. And you deserve a loving, kind, equal partner. My advice would be to ask him to move out on a temporary break. It’s less final. He sounds like he may be depressed and he should use that time to sort himself out, decide what he wants and what he proposes to offer you and the kids. The reality of losing you all may trigger him to shape up. Could his family or friends put him up and support him?

But I wouldn’t hold out much hope. If he won’t leave even temporarily or step up, then I suggest the healthiest thing is to tell him it’s over and start to make plans to leave. No rush. Get advice on your rights, sort finances, weigh up your options, build a support network of trusted friends/fellow lone mums around you. But start to plan your future and move towards it as quickly as you can. And aim to stay on good terms for the kids’ sake. The most important thing to kids is parents who get on, rather than parents who live together (and resent each other). Much love ❤️

Misogynist, much, you?

😂😂😂

Yes exactly and any good hearted husband would not move his ex wife and kids out of the house and surely he would move himself out if things were over and official ? But if he’s such a prick that he doesn’t care about his kids wellbeing then it shows that he’s even more evil of a person , which should give OP a very good reason move out with her kids even quicker , so she doesn’t have to see his face ever again after finding out he would rather kick his kids out of the house than himself .

Probably because the OP would still have the kids?

He’s a prick moping around but if you’d happily never had sex again there must be some issues?
Can’t he just have a wank?!

But I did say in the same message that you replied to , that the options are that the husband moves out , and if he won’t , then she should take herself out of this situation and find a new place herself 🤷

You're missing the point. If OP wants to end it, why should DH have to leave the home and not the OP?

Haha , 😂 where is he supposed to go ? To the same place like everyone else in this world go when they break up ? Get a hotel while looking for a another flat /house , stay at relatives or family’s house while searching for a new place ,
so you’re saying unhappy couples cannot get divorced EVER because they have nowhere to go , so the MUST stay together forever miserably ? Use your brain lol , if one of them is so unhappy that they can’t function anymore , I’m sure they would want to get away ASAP no matter where or how , anywhere other than in the same household .

Yes I've never smoked myself so that's why I can't understand it but obviously if it's a hidden it's not as bad and stress isn't good for long term health either.

Have you ever had a serious conversation with him about what you both want from life and how you can achieve it? I've got a 2 and 3 year old so totally understand how chaotic life can feel and me and my HB went through a rough patch where we both said we were unhappy but we realised it wasnt related to each other but life (jobs/house/routine) so made a plan of action and both commited to it. I can honestly say I am fulfilled and happy at the moment but I went through some real low times especially with PND so it is possible to get to a good place but only if your partner wants to as well.

OP you cannot set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. A grown man, a decent man, can see what needs doing and shares the load. Gives you a lie in, takes the kids to the park so you can have some time alone, respects you, treats you well regardless of whether you have ‘given’ him sex that week/day. You deserve so much better than a sex pest man baby who isn’t pulling his weight and is another thing for you to manage and think about. You’d be so much happier without him and his moods! Why would you stay, everything you’ve said here he doesn’t show you kindness or respect, treats you like the maid, doesn’t parent equally, never ever gives you time for yourself. Nothing redemptive there!

OP the more info you provide the more I think you married my exH. Everything bad in his life was someone else’s (usually mine) fault

I agree that the husband is a vile shit, but how on earth can you get someone to move OUT of their own house?! If my DH was unhappy with me, and told ME to get out, I would tell him to fuck off. Where am I meant to go? Where is the OP's husband supposed to go?

That’s alright 👍