To think I threw away a perfectly good relationship

That’s a form of emotional blackmail - whether he means it or not.

I was in a relationship like this, the difference is that we had a kid and he still relied on my financially. And no matter how much I helped him get a job he didn’t take it. The whole “you can bring a horse to water” scenario.

We split up and for a long time I thought that it was my only chance - especially as I’d ruined my family. But years later I’m so glad I was out. He hasn’t improved and his mum is constantly telling me how much help he needs.

Of course I feel for him but not my problem. If we cannot help eachother out it’s not a relationship.

m Just sharing to highlight that it’s emotionally hard and I can see why you want to help but it shouldn’t be at the expense of your life and happiness x

My friend was in a situation like this for 12 years. She is now 42. He is still not committing. What do you think she should have done 8 years ago?. She is on depressants because of it.
If she could go back to being your age she would -and end it.

You threw away a dead-end situationship with a man who wouldn’t commit, and would have been a dreadful, halfhearted husband and a disastrous father. It was nothing that resembled a ‘good relationship’.

It’s not, you know. You were settling for a loser who wasn’t that into you. Fortunately for you, he didn’t know what side his bread was buttered.

Have therapy. Find out why your self-esteem is so low that you think you should have wasted even more years on an unemployed 29 year old with MH issues whom you had to support financially, and who regarded the idea of committing to you as some kind of life sentence of ‘responsibility’.

I don’t know whether it’s more depressing you wasted years of your life on someone who wasn’t into you, or that you’re sorry you saw sense and left him.

Don’t date again till you’ve figured out why you stayed with him as long as you did. Next time, find someone who is a functioning adult who is excited by the idea of a life with you, and thrilled by his good luck.

Would you be saying this if you were, say 27 or 29? Or would you be eagerly looking forward to the future, going out / online, looking for someone new?

You can love someone and leave them because they don't have the same vision of the future as you.

TBH his responses aren't exactly heart warming - he isn't sure if he wants to be with you - nice! Is that really someone you want to spend your life with?

Maybe you'd have worn him down in a few years time and he would move forward, albeit reluctantly, with marriage, kid etc. Then left you later as a single parent with 2 or 3 kids to raise alone, seen them twice a month or whatever.

You made the right decision. Cut contact and move on.

From your post, it definitely sounds like you made the right decision.

Are you still paying towards where you rented?

You need to go no contact with him.

You totally bent yourself out of shape for a man you likely you would be supporting financially and otherwise for ever.
I bet his mother and sister are pissed with you, now that they have him to carry again.
You were not well matched.
Why would you think he would make a good life partner?
A goid father?
Get some therapy to help you figure out why you would want to settle for so little.
Try to move on.

You did the right thing, you were not compatible with each other.

OP, he’s talking to you and using you for support until his dream woman comes along.

Don’t let him use like this. Block and delete him.

so what? its better to be happy and single than unhappy and in a couple

frankly he sounds like an awful person who was treating you really badly. your cooking wasn't good enough? you weren't transparent with money? - all the while when you were subsidising him?

tbh that would be enough for me to tell him to fuck off. if he wants food cooked from scratch, he should do it himself.

you need therapy to find out why you have such low self esteem?

he was never going to committ to you. move on. block him. give yourself some time and therapy to not be such a pushover in the future and then think about relationships again.

being ND doesn't excuse him being awful to you.

and tbh what is making you feel depressed is your own circular thought process of wishing things were different and keeping fixated on the past. let go. go on a holiday. block him on every platform. take a deep breath. you deserve so much better

Btw - your user name: is that from the billy idol song / or the film les yeux sans visage?

Listen, loving someone is not enough! In your 30s you should know by now that you don't have time to waste. You need to be with someone who you are compatible with and wants same things with same timeline. Someone who has those traits and qualities that you need in a life partner, someone who makes a great husband and father. You pining after a crap relationship with a man that isn't right is just wasting your time. And the more you waste time with wrong person the less time you have left with the right one.

You are able to love someone but they aren’t right for you. I’d focus your attention on what you want, desire, what a happy, fulfilling relationship looks like to you. Write it down, find time to do this in a quiet place. Don’t censor yourself, put it all down on paper. You say you want a family - Get your fertility checked too - things can change fairly quickly btw 30s to 40s, without wanting to be negative. We make decisions based on the present, what we need and want now, and what we want to have and how we want to live our lives in the future. You sound like you are very fond and love your ex but it does sound like you and he have different visions of the future, of lifestyles. He is having a difficult time and it’s hard to see someone we love go through that. You are allowed to be happy, loved, fulfilled and if you want to be married, be married and have a family. Even if this man is your love I’d advise having three months of space so you can clear your head and really trust your feelings. Take care.

IT WAS NEVER A GOOD RELATIONSHIP THOUGH

I’m going to stop reading now because you’re winding me up. Stop pining after something that never was.

I am not sure OP is really interested in our responses. She just wants to keep describing the awful relationship. It’s a bit like the click bait news articles which are designed to annoy people so that they comment.

Frankly you deserve better.

I think you are over-romanticising that relationship in hindsight, and that you will find someone who is more aligned with your current needs and ambitions for a relationship and family life.

Oh come on. It wasnt a good relationship and he doesn't want to commit to you.

Yes you are likely to struggle to meet some one. Because you are still so involved with your ex. You won't move on properly and to be honest someone being so involved with their ex and unable to let go, is a massive red flag

He didn’t want to commit. And if you are really honest with yourself, it was t even close to being a good relationship from what you have described both here and in your previous threads.

You already hadn't found anyone who wanted to commit, so you threw away nothing.

That's if any of this is real, which seems unlikely.

I left one like this. For the first year afterwards I went back and forth in my head but then stuck with my decision. He had a lovely girlfriend for years after me and I thought she was going to be the one who he gave everything I wanted, but no, they broke up. Then he got married and I thought, so yeah, he was ready eventually. They divorced, no kids from the marriage. He’s had a series of short-term girlfriends since then.

i don’t think these kinds of guys really change.

Oh god OP, I was with one of these for a few years. We split up thankfully, even though I was devastated.

He's only finally ready for kids and settling down now at the age of 46.

I'm 40 now, and if I'd waited for him I would have lost my chance to have kids. Men have the luxury of waiting, women don't.

Please don't doubt your decision, you did the right thing even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

He would absolutely not make a good husband and father. You are excusing A LOT of bad behaviour because he is ND.

It doesn't matter who is getting married or why. The truth is you were doing so much for him, you probably want something in return, which in your head was commitment. But in reality he was not nice to you, you did way too much for him.and deep down you know it wasn't right.

Stop all contact. Take some time to yourself. Build up your self esteem. Then start dating again. You'll be kicking yourself for wasting so much time on this loser.