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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask you to solve my life issues?

112 replies

thelastoftheherriots · 22/06/2024 15:37

I broke up with my partner 4 months ago, and moved with my toddler and dog into the first floor flat I (thankfully!) kept hold of through my relationship. The relationship had become increasingly abusive from late pregnancy onwards, and I ended up in a really bad place with post natal depression which I'm still struggling with now. Partly my own fault, the red flags we're already there, but I was head over heels in love with him, he masked very well until I was pretty entangled in his life, and after having 4 miscarriages and failed IVF, I wanted this baby more than anything.

My question is, the flat is unsuitable in a few ways, and I wondered if the clever people of MN had any ingenious ideas or tips to solve them and make life a bit easier? Or any other tips not relating to these.

  1. There's no bath for my toddler, only a small shower which we both struggle to fit into together (and she hates showers but loves a bath). I bought a cheapy inflatable paddling pool but it's a faff to put up and take down and she's still not over keen. There's a foldable XL plastic bath on Amazon I'm considering, if anyone has used one and rated it?
  1. There's no garden. I've solved the no washing line issue by throwing money at the problem and buying a tumble dryer. However this is also a struggle when ddog needs to go out for a wee last thing and toddler is in bed. I have to get her back out and into the pram. It's going to be a big PITA in winter. Ddog won't wee on a lead so it's a couple of streets away where I can let her off lead to do her business. Considering a dog walker for at least a few of the evenings, but don't have much disposable income so other ideas welcome.
  1. It's 1 bedroom, so me and toddler are in the same room, she has a little bed. Fine for the next couple of years but I'm wondering how practical its going to be as she gets older and wants her own space.

There's no chance of me increasing my mortgage for somewhere bigger, I've done a few online calculators.

I could sell and use the capital to rent for 4-5 years but what would I do after that is used up?

I could rent out my flat and rent somewhere bigger. Both these options would have me losing my universal credit which I'm reliant on, especially for the childcare element which is the only thing allowing me to work. I don't think I could afford the sky high rents now. Basically I'm stuck here.

Exp is paying the bare minimum maintenance based on the very low income he declares (whilst raking it in with self employed cash in hand jobs). He lives in a massive detached 4 bed house with the much younger woman he's swiftly moved in, and sees our daughter for 3 hours a week.

I'm just feeling so down with it all, the slog of daily life as a skint single mum (although I love the bones of my daughter), the unfairness of it all, the loneliness and the unlikeliness of ever meeting anyone else when I have zero spare time, share a bed with my child every night, and am completely disillusioned by men in general. I cry daily, little things set me off. I'm on sertraline but it doesn't feel like it's helping as much it was previously. My head's not in my job at all, although the people I work with are great and I think I'd love the job if I didn't feel generally rubbish all the time. I'm drinking too much and eating rubbish (an obvious solution to those but lacking the motivation to do anything about it)

If anyone has any solutions to my problems, it would be so appreciated. Moral support also very welcome!

Sorry for the self pity - I know people are in worse situations and we have a roof over our head, I can cover the bills and am so grateful for that, and I do have the benefit of supportive family and friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
thelastoftheherriots · 22/06/2024 21:15

GooseClues · 22/06/2024 21:10

We have the Stokke bath and my almost 5yo still fits in it. It folds very small and fits in our travel cot bag so we used to take it with us on holidays and family visits. The only downside is that you can’t carry it when it’s full because the joints won’t take it. No problem if it fits in the shower - you can just remove the plug, but if you need to use it on the floor then you’ll need to use a jug to empty it.

For some moral boost you could watch European or Asian YouTubers (sorry, don’t have specific recommendations). House with a garden and everyone having their own bedrooms is very much a British/western thing. In my county of origin it’s pretty common for the living room to also be the parent’s bedroom. Sofa beds usually come with classifications - occasional use, semi-regular use and everyday use. We have one for everyday use because family stays for weeks at a time and it’s more comfortable than our IKEA bed. You could also get a proper bed and divide it off with a bookshelf if the room is big enough.

Oh thank you some good out of the box ideas there, especially changing my mindset by watching small home YouTubers.

I have quite high ceilings so am making use of vertical storage where I can

OP posts:
GooseClues · 22/06/2024 21:10

We have the Stokke bath and my almost 5yo still fits in it. It folds very small and fits in our travel cot bag so we used to take it with us on holidays and family visits. The only downside is that you can’t carry it when it’s full because the joints won’t take it. No problem if it fits in the shower - you can just remove the plug, but if you need to use it on the floor then you’ll need to use a jug to empty it.

For some moral boost you could watch European or Asian YouTubers (sorry, don’t have specific recommendations). House with a garden and everyone having their own bedrooms is very much a British/western thing. In my county of origin it’s pretty common for the living room to also be the parent’s bedroom. Sofa beds usually come with classifications - occasional use, semi-regular use and everyday use. We have one for everyday use because family stays for weeks at a time and it’s more comfortable than our IKEA bed. You could also get a proper bed and divide it off with a bookshelf if the room is big enough.

Original poster
thelastoftheherriots · 22/06/2024 20:54

MumDoingMyBest · 22/06/2024 20:50

What did the neighbour do with the land? Long term it would be worth seeing if you could buy it (or some of it) back. That would open up more options long term and might not cost much more than moving.

I appreciate that it's not a useful suggestion for right now though.

Show quote history

It's just garden, about half is well tended by them and half is just overgrown so they may be open to it. It's round the back of the row of terraces (mine is above a shop)

OP posts:
MumDoingMyBest · 22/06/2024 20:50

thelastoftheherriots · 22/06/2024 20:43

No communal garden, it opens straight onto the street. It did have a garden attached but the previous landlord sold the space to one of the neighbours :(

Show quote history

What did the neighbour do with the land? Long term it would be worth seeing if you could buy it (or some of it) back. That would open up more options long term and might not cost much more than moving.

I appreciate that it's not a useful suggestion for right now though.

Anotherpotentialinhertiance1 · 22/06/2024 20:49

My daughter has the tiniest house, he kids are bathed in a rubble bucket which sits in the bottom of thr shower cubicle.

Original poster
thelastoftheherriots · 22/06/2024 20:48

BitFreakyThat91 · 22/06/2024 20:39

Is it this bath OP? We don't have a normal bath either, just a shower in a tiny room

I ordered it last year & wish I'd bought one a lot sooner! Its brilliant, although depending on your bathroom set up its difficult to drain. The hosepipe that comes with it is naff but the normal hose pipe I have doesnt fit around the drain so I empty by hand. But it also has a drain on the bottom so if you have a shower room or a large enough shower itll be easy.

My DC are 9 and 7 and love it. It's a lot deeper than a normal bath. Had mine nearly a year and it's still in great condition, only time weve ever had a leak is when I forgot to plug it 😅

Show quote history

This is top of the list at the moment, it's like a proper bath! Expensive but much cheaper than moving house and if I get the biggest size I can have a bath myself. I'm loving the idea!

OP posts:
Original poster
thelastoftheherriots · 22/06/2024 20:44

BitFreakyThat91 · 22/06/2024 20:39

Is it this bath OP? We don't have a normal bath either, just a shower in a tiny room

I ordered it last year & wish I'd bought one a lot sooner! Its brilliant, although depending on your bathroom set up its difficult to drain. The hosepipe that comes with it is naff but the normal hose pipe I have doesnt fit around the drain so I empty by hand. But it also has a drain on the bottom so if you have a shower room or a large enough shower itll be easy.

My DC are 9 and 7 and love it. It's a lot deeper than a normal bath. Had mine nearly a year and it's still in great condition, only time weve ever had a leak is when I forgot to plug it 😅

Show quote history

Oh that looks great, thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
thelastoftheherriots · 22/06/2024 20:43

crazycatladie · 22/06/2024 20:38

I'd get a sofa bed in the lounge for yourself. I'd take the shower head of its hook and persevere with it. I'm not sure how you can deal with the dog situation is there a communal garden?

No communal garden, it opens straight onto the street. It did have a garden attached but the previous landlord sold the space to one of the neighbours :(

OP posts:
Original poster
thelastoftheherriots · 22/06/2024 20:42

Knitgoodwoman · 22/06/2024 20:31

Oh and further to my point, you’d then get the child maintenance you’re entitled to… I can’t stand men who get out of paying for their own children.

I know, you're completely right.

  1. I'm scared of his reaction
  2. I'm soft as shit, and despite everything I still have feelings for him ( or who I thought he was and the potential of what we could've been) which I'm working really hard to sort out in my own head. I'd love therapy to work through it but can't afford it, so am doing what I can from CBT books and the internet.
  3. I'm biding my time till it's less obvious it's me, and in case I need it as leverage. If he suddenly wants dd more because he can fob her off on new gf for example, or comes for the dog back.

There are couple of other things that he won't want me to tell people as well. It'll happen, I just need to sit on it a while. I have faith karma will do the job even if I don't.

OP posts:
BitFreakyThat91 · 22/06/2024 20:39

thelastoftheherriots · 22/06/2024 15:37

I broke up with my partner 4 months ago, and moved with my toddler and dog into the first floor flat I (thankfully!) kept hold of through my relationship. The relationship had become increasingly abusive from late pregnancy onwards, and I ended up in a really bad place with post natal depression which I'm still struggling with now. Partly my own fault, the red flags we're already there, but I was head over heels in love with him, he masked very well until I was pretty entangled in his life, and after having 4 miscarriages and failed IVF, I wanted this baby more than anything.

My question is, the flat is unsuitable in a few ways, and I wondered if the clever people of MN had any ingenious ideas or tips to solve them and make life a bit easier? Or any other tips not relating to these.

  1. There's no bath for my toddler, only a small shower which we both struggle to fit into together (and she hates showers but loves a bath). I bought a cheapy inflatable paddling pool but it's a faff to put up and take down and she's still not over keen. There's a foldable XL plastic bath on Amazon I'm considering, if anyone has used one and rated it?
  1. There's no garden. I've solved the no washing line issue by throwing money at the problem and buying a tumble dryer. However this is also a struggle when ddog needs to go out for a wee last thing and toddler is in bed. I have to get her back out and into the pram. It's going to be a big PITA in winter. Ddog won't wee on a lead so it's a couple of streets away where I can let her off lead to do her business. Considering a dog walker for at least a few of the evenings, but don't have much disposable income so other ideas welcome.
  1. It's 1 bedroom, so me and toddler are in the same room, she has a little bed. Fine for the next couple of years but I'm wondering how practical its going to be as she gets older and wants her own space.

There's no chance of me increasing my mortgage for somewhere bigger, I've done a few online calculators.

I could sell and use the capital to rent for 4-5 years but what would I do after that is used up?

I could rent out my flat and rent somewhere bigger. Both these options would have me losing my universal credit which I'm reliant on, especially for the childcare element which is the only thing allowing me to work. I don't think I could afford the sky high rents now. Basically I'm stuck here.

Exp is paying the bare minimum maintenance based on the very low income he declares (whilst raking it in with self employed cash in hand jobs). He lives in a massive detached 4 bed house with the much younger woman he's swiftly moved in, and sees our daughter for 3 hours a week.

I'm just feeling so down with it all, the slog of daily life as a skint single mum (although I love the bones of my daughter), the unfairness of it all, the loneliness and the unlikeliness of ever meeting anyone else when I have zero spare time, share a bed with my child every night, and am completely disillusioned by men in general. I cry daily, little things set me off. I'm on sertraline but it doesn't feel like it's helping as much it was previously. My head's not in my job at all, although the people I work with are great and I think I'd love the job if I didn't feel generally rubbish all the time. I'm drinking too much and eating rubbish (an obvious solution to those but lacking the motivation to do anything about it)

If anyone has any solutions to my problems, it would be so appreciated. Moral support also very welcome!

Sorry for the self pity - I know people are in worse situations and we have a roof over our head, I can cover the bills and am so grateful for that, and I do have the benefit of supportive family and friends.

Is it this bath OP? We don't have a normal bath either, just a shower in a tiny room

I ordered it last year & wish I'd bought one a lot sooner! Its brilliant, although depending on your bathroom set up its difficult to drain. The hosepipe that comes with it is naff but the normal hose pipe I have doesnt fit around the drain so I empty by hand. But it also has a drain on the bottom so if you have a shower room or a large enough shower itll be easy.

My DC are 9 and 7 and love it. It's a lot deeper than a normal bath. Had mine nearly a year and it's still in great condition, only time weve ever had a leak is when I forgot to plug it 😅

To ask you to solve my life issues?
crazycatladie · 22/06/2024 20:38

I'd get a sofa bed in the lounge for yourself. I'd take the shower head of its hook and persevere with it. I'm not sure how you can deal with the dog situation is there a communal garden?

Knitgoodwoman · 22/06/2024 20:31

Oh and further to my point, you’d then get the child maintenance you’re entitled to… I can’t stand men who get out of paying for their own children.

Knitgoodwoman · 22/06/2024 20:30

Id be shopping him into HMRC, people who evade tax really fuck me off.

Original poster
thelastoftheherriots · 22/06/2024 20:28

marriednotdead · 22/06/2024 19:42

Well done for getting out of the situation and making the best of it.
This IKEA Torkis basket was used as a baby bath in the base of the shower by my DD until the little one was at least 3!

I'm going to try one of these before I splash out on a foldable stokke bath, if it fails at least I'll own a laundry basket like a grown up.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 22/06/2024 20:27

Find a reliable evening dog walker. I have a dog and know how good they are but perhaps consider rehoming. Find someone who would let you still see your dog and walk them say twice a week with your toddler. I know that’s a difficult idea though. Would your toddler like a parent and child swim class once a week seeing that they like a bath but that’s difficult to sort.

Original poster
thelastoftheherriots · 22/06/2024 20:27

Offcom · 22/06/2024 20:04

Also was going to suggest this. I’d definitely be happy to help out if a neighbour was in your situation – my dog goes anywhere outside the house but I sometimes have a friend’s dog and she can’t bring herself to poo unless she’s a fair distance from home. I can’t seem to convince her otherwise, so I feel your pain (although at least she’ll go when she’s on the lead)

Show quote history

She has serious performance anxiety, I have to pretend to look away while she poops, she's a princess of the highest degree.

OP posts:
Original poster
thelastoftheherriots · 22/06/2024 20:24

Motomum23 · 22/06/2024 20:11

My kids still want to sleep in a room with me at 6 and 9 so you've got years to go! When you need more bed space get double with a bunk on top and she can sleep in the bunk.
Collapsible baby bath in the shower- or just get her used to it.
The dog thing I have no idea as I don't have dogs but what is for absolute certain your little one and you will be a million times better living in a single bedsit with a camping stove than living with an Abusive AH so well done. Stay 💪

Thank you, I've fit a double and a cot bed into our bedroom with walking space, it's quite a good size room for a flat, but a double with a single over it is a good Idea for the future. Tbh she ends up in with me most nights (which I love really and will drag out as long as possible, despite her wriggling and starfishing). I've put some really strong tension poles in an alcove that's not wide or deep enough for a wardrobe, but they easily fit her clothes on.

Wondering if I could save to board the loft and put in loft ladders just for extra space for Christmas stuff etc x

OP posts:
Original poster
thelastoftheherriots · 22/06/2024 20:19

Offcom · 22/06/2024 20:04

Also was going to suggest this. I’d definitely be happy to help out if a neighbour was in your situation – my dog goes anywhere outside the house but I sometimes have a friend’s dog and she can’t bring herself to poo unless she’s a fair distance from home. I can’t seem to convince her otherwise, so I feel your pain (although at least she’ll go when she’s on the lead)

Show quote history

Thank you I've signed up for borrow my doggy and just waiting to do the final verification steps. My nieces and nephews are just slightly too young to offer the odd paid dog walk too I think (oldest is only just 11)

OP posts:
Motomum23 · 22/06/2024 20:11

My kids still want to sleep in a room with me at 6 and 9 so you've got years to go! When you need more bed space get double with a bunk on top and she can sleep in the bunk.
Collapsible baby bath in the shower- or just get her used to it.
The dog thing I have no idea as I don't have dogs but what is for absolute certain your little one and you will be a million times better living in a single bedsit with a camping stove than living with an Abusive AH so well done. Stay 💪

Offcom · 22/06/2024 20:04

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 22/06/2024 17:56

God I bloody love dogs, I hate people who dump them when they have newborns… But your case is so extreme, I honestly wouldn’t blame you. Sometimes you keep them until an owner is found.
Borrow my doggy is good, though if it’s a winter wee😕saying that your little one will walk soon if you can muddle through. I’d happily take the dog out for you, have you any neighbours that might offer? People were fighting to walk mine when I had DD.

Fold up bed? Bit annoying doing it every day though. DD is 8 and she sleeps with me (just saying).

My workplace love the too good to go bags for food- fruit, veg etc

Well done on ditching dirt bag partner OP, you are doing an awesome job you are strong, you got this.

You’ll meet someone when you least expect it, you sound lovely.

Also was going to suggest this. I’d definitely be happy to help out if a neighbour was in your situation – my dog goes anywhere outside the house but I sometimes have a friend’s dog and she can’t bring herself to poo unless she’s a fair distance from home. I can’t seem to convince her otherwise, so I feel your pain (although at least she’ll go when she’s on the lead)

Lokshen · 22/06/2024 19:19

The Stoke Flexibath is big enough for toddlers and fits in a shower well.
How about a trundle bed that would fit under yours during the day.
And I'm sure borrow my doggie or a local teenager might help with the nighttime wee situation

RandomMess · 22/06/2024 19:15

You can go back to CMS and ask for a reconsideration as his declared income to them doesn't match his lifestyle.

Yes eventually report to HMRC, why shouldn't he pay the appropriate tax like most people do!

2024mustbebetter · 22/06/2024 18:59

Well done, you’ve come so far already. Definitely don’t sell. If you and your toddler are up fairly early, it might be that you could walk your’s and someone else’s dogs in the morning (if they have to be at work early) and they could then walk your’s with theirs in the evening.

HippeePrincess · 22/06/2024 18:47

The only thing I’d add to what others have posted is I believe you can ask child maintenance to investigate into his proper earnings as if he was genuinely on as low an income as he says then he wouldn’t be able to afford his house etc.

Failing that I’d tell him he needs to have your child 50:50 or even full time (you don’t have to mean it/follow through of course) and remind him of the childcare costs and lack of freedom as you simply can’t afford to house, clothe and feed them unless he pays proper maintenance.

Did you contribute to the house you’ve moved away from in any way, and can you get any of it back?

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