Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you to solve my life issues?

112 replies

thelastoftheherriots · 22/06/2024 15:37

I broke up with my partner 4 months ago, and moved with my toddler and dog into the first floor flat I (thankfully!) kept hold of through my relationship. The relationship had become increasingly abusive from late pregnancy onwards, and I ended up in a really bad place with post natal depression which I'm still struggling with now. Partly my own fault, the red flags we're already there, but I was head over heels in love with him, he masked very well until I was pretty entangled in his life, and after having 4 miscarriages and failed IVF, I wanted this baby more than anything.

My question is, the flat is unsuitable in a few ways, and I wondered if the clever people of MN had any ingenious ideas or tips to solve them and make life a bit easier? Or any other tips not relating to these.

  1. There's no bath for my toddler, only a small shower which we both struggle to fit into together (and she hates showers but loves a bath). I bought a cheapy inflatable paddling pool but it's a faff to put up and take down and she's still not over keen. There's a foldable XL plastic bath on Amazon I'm considering, if anyone has used one and rated it?
  1. There's no garden. I've solved the no washing line issue by throwing money at the problem and buying a tumble dryer. However this is also a struggle when ddog needs to go out for a wee last thing and toddler is in bed. I have to get her back out and into the pram. It's going to be a big PITA in winter. Ddog won't wee on a lead so it's a couple of streets away where I can let her off lead to do her business. Considering a dog walker for at least a few of the evenings, but don't have much disposable income so other ideas welcome.
  1. It's 1 bedroom, so me and toddler are in the same room, she has a little bed. Fine for the next couple of years but I'm wondering how practical its going to be as she gets older and wants her own space.

There's no chance of me increasing my mortgage for somewhere bigger, I've done a few online calculators.

I could sell and use the capital to rent for 4-5 years but what would I do after that is used up?

I could rent out my flat and rent somewhere bigger. Both these options would have me losing my universal credit which I'm reliant on, especially for the childcare element which is the only thing allowing me to work. I don't think I could afford the sky high rents now. Basically I'm stuck here.

Exp is paying the bare minimum maintenance based on the very low income he declares (whilst raking it in with self employed cash in hand jobs). He lives in a massive detached 4 bed house with the much younger woman he's swiftly moved in, and sees our daughter for 3 hours a week.

I'm just feeling so down with it all, the slog of daily life as a skint single mum (although I love the bones of my daughter), the unfairness of it all, the loneliness and the unlikeliness of ever meeting anyone else when I have zero spare time, share a bed with my child every night, and am completely disillusioned by men in general. I cry daily, little things set me off. I'm on sertraline but it doesn't feel like it's helping as much it was previously. My head's not in my job at all, although the people I work with are great and I think I'd love the job if I didn't feel generally rubbish all the time. I'm drinking too much and eating rubbish (an obvious solution to those but lacking the motivation to do anything about it)

If anyone has any solutions to my problems, it would be so appreciated. Moral support also very welcome!

Sorry for the self pity - I know people are in worse situations and we have a roof over our head, I can cover the bills and am so grateful for that, and I do have the benefit of supportive family and friends.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Poppysmom22 · 23/06/2024 18:46

Could you potentially train your dog to use a pee post and grass pad in the shower cubicle it’s easily bleached clean for hygiene? So not ideal but better than carting a toddler in and out at night

timetobegin · 23/06/2024 18:44

A soft bucket from a garden centre is your best bet for bathing in. It will hang up and they are useful for so many things. I’d train the dog (and child) to function at a specific time on a scheduled evening walk. It will just become part of their routine. Something like, food, walk, bath, bed.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 23/06/2024 18:32

Yes, don't buy a bed where you child sleeps above you, put them on the bottom. If they vomit during the night... (experience speaking).

Anotherpotentialinhertiance1 · 23/06/2024 17:33

You could try a mezzanine for your bed with your kiddo underneath. Wel lasted 6 years like this

curious79 · 23/06/2024 10:50
  1. get a foldable bath. I used one for my DD, brilliant
  2. buy the Lakeland heated dryer rack. Folds down nicely and will be much much chesper
  3. your child won’t need their own space for a longggggg time. This is what they’re used to and will probably find it hugely comforting. When I was single my DD slept in my room and bed for c3 years. I only took her out (over a period of a few weeks) when I met someone who I knew I’d end up with. It was me who wanted the space
MadKittenWoman · 23/06/2024 10:48

Sorry, I mean a high-sleeper, not a bed in the loft!

MadKittenWoman · 23/06/2024 10:46

Could you get a double loft bed for yourself, and put DD's bed and storage underneath? You could put curtains around it so she has her own den.

CallItLoneliness · 23/06/2024 03:38

If you need to sleep in the lounge I would recommend the ikea hemnes--you may be able to pick up a second hand one cheap, and then you can put a really good single mattress on it. My folks just slept on ours pulled out to a double and said it was comfy too. Best of all it has storage underneath!

Noseybookworm · 22/06/2024 22:40

You've had some good suggestions here OP so I won't add any! Just wanted to say give yourself huge credit for what you have achieved - you've got out of an abusive relationship, you're managing to work and bring up your little one on your own, you're keeping a roof over her head, paying the bills, putting food on the table! Frankly, you're a bloody hero 🥰

JadedSoJaded · 22/06/2024 22:26

Well done for leaving the abusive relationship. Re. your dog. I’ve rehomed several older dogs. I’ve trained them to toilet specifically on command by using a vocal cue, be busy or something similar, when they do their business naturally when on walks etc. This, together with making a big fuss and treat or two has never failed to teach them the association. Even those that have been kenneled into 4-5 years old. I think you can solve that issue easily & keep your beloved dog with you.

Girasoli · 22/06/2024 22:05

I used to use a big ikea green laundry tub as a baby/toddler bath in the shower.

I wouldn't use a sofa bed and would share the bedroom with DD for now. I just know the folding and unfolding it would get on my nerves, especially when it's late and I want to go to bed. In a few years when you no longer have nursery fees to pay for you might be able to move, or you could get a sofa bed then.

Original poster
thelastoftheherriots · 22/06/2024 22:02

LimeCookie · 22/06/2024 21:34

You should be so proud of yourself. Try not to let these things bother you too much, sharing a bed and not having a bath really isn’t something to worry over. You’ve been hugely successful by the sounds of it and your daughter will be happy.
you could get a day bed for the lounge, they have a proper single mattress on them, and during the day you dress it up as a sofa. But honestly if you need to share a bed for the feasible, then just think of all the lovely memories your little one is going to have of that.
please consider times when your child is much older, and it will be pretty impossible to get them out of bed to take the dog for a night wee.
when your dog wees in the day time start to say a word when they are to get an association going, then when you take them directly out your door, you say the word again to hopefully get the message across. God forbid, but when your child will have childhood illness it really might not be an option to remove them from the house each night.

Thank you, I'll implement the training tips and see if its second time lucky, I probably wasn't very consistent when i first tried, my head was all over the place.

OP posts:
Original poster
thelastoftheherriots · 22/06/2024 21:59

Justmemyselfandi999 · 22/06/2024 21:41

Have you considered selling and purchasing a more suitable shared ownership property? UC covers all of the rent aspect of shared ownership

No I hadn't, that's worth looking into thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
thelastoftheherriots · 22/06/2024 21:59

lovemycbf · 22/06/2024 21:50

Does your mother live nearby? Would she consider sitting in your flat when baby is asleep so you can just quickly walk the dog?

She would and does as often as she can, she's such a big help, but she has so many others responsibilities (other grandchildren, elderly parent, as well as a job and her own dog). I don't want to put any more on her, she wouldn't say no to any of her family even if she was (and often is) run into the ground.

OP posts:
ts8789 · 22/06/2024 21:53

I love the "borrow a dog" idea! I think I might sign myself up to the website.
If you were near me I would be happy to do this for you. I would love to get a dog but I also live in a flat and pets are not allowed. Borrowing your dog would be perfect for me as I like late night walks and I am an empty nester with no kids needing me at home. You're probably not near me though so I hope you manage to find someone and keep your beloved pup.
Well done for getting you and your baby and your dog out of there 💐

lovemycbf · 22/06/2024 21:50

Does your mother live nearby? Would she consider sitting in your flat when baby is asleep so you can just quickly walk the dog?

Justmemyselfandi999 · 22/06/2024 21:41

Have you considered selling and purchasing a more suitable shared ownership property? UC covers all of the rent aspect of shared ownership

nadine90 · 22/06/2024 21:35

I don’t know if anyone’s mentioned it already, but I have my eye on the Emma sofabed atm. My bedroom is downstairs. It looks like, and functions as, a normal sofa. But has two proper Emma mattresses that form a superking together. If you want to make the living room double as a bedroom without sacrificing your back! Xxx
eta - also, look at Murphy beds. They’re dear, but have seen a woman on TikTok make one cheaply with a kit xx

LimeCookie · 22/06/2024 21:34

You should be so proud of yourself. Try not to let these things bother you too much, sharing a bed and not having a bath really isn’t something to worry over. You’ve been hugely successful by the sounds of it and your daughter will be happy.
you could get a day bed for the lounge, they have a proper single mattress on them, and during the day you dress it up as a sofa. But honestly if you need to share a bed for the feasible, then just think of all the lovely memories your little one is going to have of that.
please consider times when your child is much older, and it will be pretty impossible to get them out of bed to take the dog for a night wee.
when your dog wees in the day time start to say a word when they are to get an association going, then when you take them directly out your door, you say the word again to hopefully get the message across. God forbid, but when your child will have childhood illness it really might not be an option to remove them from the house each night.

Original poster
thelastoftheherriots · 22/06/2024 21:31

Namechangedforthis25 · 22/06/2024 21:25

Just want to say that you are incredibly inspirational OP - you have done such an amazing thing for your little one by leaving your abusive ex and honestly, I can sense that this difficulty is just temporary - you seem resourceful, resilient and strong so your futures will be so brilliant.

  1. ikea laundry tub for bath works - for both laundry and bath - 2 in 1. And can do it cheaply!
  2. dog - doggy pad? A bit of a faff but so much easier than needing to head out. Perhaps with a play pen - you can get something cheap from Amazon
  3. Definitely board your loft for storage when you can - that will be a game changer
  4. vacuum bags and under bed storage - can get from Amazon
  5. maybe even an ottoman bed that you can lift
  6. storage - use the walls and height if you can
  7. you can share with your little one for years if you want. And if you don’t want to sofa bed or Murphy bed in time - but no need to stress yet.
  8. maybe in time you could even make the loft a proper bedroom?
  9. Loneliness - for now perhaps do stuff with your little one and friends whilst you heal? In time, you will find a way to date with family support and childcare
  10. Asda or Tesco (or any supermarket) online shop is a good shout - weekly for everything or fortnightly for replenishing staples

most importantly, your home is your castle and your security. Don’t ever sell it to rent. You are smashing life in many ways, be proud. And I wish you so much luck and all the best

Edited

Thank you so much ❤️

OP posts:
Inspireme2 · 22/06/2024 21:26

I would suggest getting your doctor to see if your meds are the correct dose for how you are feeling.
Buy a plastic baby bath.
Living in a smaller space can feel restrictive.

Can the dog be taught to be lead toileted.
Get some time out, adult time for yourself.
Relax and enjoy the small stuff.
Your partners new life is best left to focusing on organising your childs visists otherwose do nit get involved or care about how it seems.
Single parenting can really work well if you have good support and family, spend time with others with small children.
Never be ashamed of being who and what you are.

Namechangedforthis25 · 22/06/2024 21:25

Just want to say that you are incredibly inspirational OP - you have done such an amazing thing for your little one by leaving your abusive ex and honestly, I can sense that this difficulty is just temporary - you seem resourceful, resilient and strong so your futures will be so brilliant.

  1. ikea laundry tub for bath works - for both laundry and bath - 2 in 1. And can do it cheaply!
  2. dog - doggy pad? A bit of a faff but so much easier than needing to head out. Perhaps with a play pen - you can get something cheap from Amazon
  3. Definitely board your loft for storage when you can - that will be a game changer
  4. vacuum bags and under bed storage - can get from Amazon
  5. maybe even an ottoman bed that you can lift
  6. storage - use the walls and height if you can
  7. you can share with your little one for years if you want. And if you don’t want to sofa bed or Murphy bed in time - but no need to stress yet.
  8. maybe in time you could even make the loft a proper bedroom?
  9. Loneliness - for now perhaps do stuff with your little one and friends whilst you heal? In time, you will find a way to date with family support and childcare
  10. Asda or Tesco (or any supermarket) online shop is a good shout - weekly for everything or fortnightly for replenishing staples

most importantly, your home is your castle and your security. Don’t ever sell it to rent. You are smashing life in many ways, be proud. And I wish you so much luck and all the best

RosieLeaLovesTea · 22/06/2024 21:19

So sorry you are in this position but focus on the positives you have your own flat and somewhere you can be safe.

re: bedroom space. I would give your toddler the bedroom. I would make the living room for your bedroom after she goes to bed. So get a sofa bed to pull out at night. Not ideal. But at least you can sleep separately and have more of an adult routine. As the toddler gets older it may be difficult to sleep separately if she is used to you being there.

I would use a folding plastic bath as temporary solution for bathing.

sorry cannot think of a solution for the dog.

Ap42 · 22/06/2024 21:19

Ah, bless you OP. I have a small 2 bedroom house, and 2 children. My plan was always to have a loft extension for extra space, but funds just didn't allow. So the kids now have the upstairs and I'm in the lounge. The dining room has now become the lounge. It works for us. As for the dog, I have a year old puppy and I know what that bond is like. Could a dog walker be an option? Could you adjust your dogs diet? Making meal times earlier so you don't need to go out for too late a walk?
Hold onto the flat! You never know how life will change, or what is around the corner. A secure roof over your head makes all the difference. Good luck!