Have a just been a cow?

I think you sound a bit overwrought about it all, probably because you’re tired and have a sense of being the sole responsibility parent with a Disney Dad co-parent. Which I get, to an extent — DH’s job (in sport) means he works at weekends through the season, so although he’s a properly involved parent who does all weekday cooking, shopping, laundry etc, I do get a lot of the weekend gruntwork on top of a demanding job. I just think you need to find a way not to put this on a young child to the extent that it genuinely upsets him to this extent. Absolutely he needs to help out, but not in the context of ‘I’m exhausted and resent spending Saturdays drudging and your father doesn’t have to do any of this’. And no one needs elaborate cooked breakfasts or lunches on a Saturday. Figure out some ways to simplify, or to offload some chores for pay. Three weekly hours of a cleaner makes a big difference to weekends here.

If his dad is utterly useless, why do you want him to look up to his dad

Don't you want him to be realistic about his dad, and do better himself?

You need some proper help I think around your conflicted feelings about the separation and his father.

You haven’t been horrible at all OP and you’re clearly a lovely mum to even be worrying about it. He will look back one day and know just how hard you’ve worked. Hope you enjoyed that wine x

Do you write fiction for a living?

You have no idea if any of that happened

I read this somewhere recently - its not the parents job to make sure their children are happy all the time, it's their job to parent.

and parenting done correctly means children will be unhappy at times. when they are told no, when they are disciplined

and ultimately it's all about managing expectations. if you create the expectation that he also has a role and responsibilities then it will be normal

and absolutely get rid of this guilt about parents not being together. he has both parents, he sees them both and you made the decision in his best interest. it would have been far worse if you were together and unhappy and he was caught in the middle of that.

You sound very kind OP- mowing your neighbour’s lawn when you’re a single mum with probably more on your plate than many people. You’re setting a wonderful example to your son about being part of a community and helping others.

You’re also setting your son up to be an independent and capable individual by getting him into good habits in terms of tidying up after himself. His future housemates and partners will thank you for that!

The only thing I would suggest is considering whether any of the chores can be postponed to times when your son is with your dad (whilst also, of course, ensuring that you still get to relax and do nice things for yourself when your son is not with you).

At 10 I certainly had jobs to do as did siblings .
Dont apologise.
Draw a line under this , but he is part of your household and totally capable of making his own breakfast & removing tissues from his pocket

Can you reframe a few things? Ask him to make breakfast and lunch for you both on a Saturday as it would be such a help and give you more time to do fun things together? I realise that would need 'organising' on your part but gets him to feel important and 'needed' and you are both doing things for both of you.

I think it is too much to expect a 10yo to remember these things all the time. You just have to be realistic about kids - either they are so scared they daren't forget (awful) or they do forget (annoying). I prefer annoying to awful!

He is old enough to help you lots - for example you could have said let's spend a couple of hours getting the house sorted together, then have lunch together, then play some games.

Your OP makes it sound like he is relaxing while you rush about cooking and cleaning?

Get him loading the washer, get him clearing the plates up, get him emptying the pockets! The chores are less annoying when there is teamwork.

But also stop comparing yourself to his dad - very bad form and very upsetting for him.

I was going to say what that poster did. As there’s only 2 of you he needs to be involved in all the chores. Laundry, vacuum, dishes, ironing, cooking - these are all good life skills anyway.

Why don't you ask him why he got so upset and listen to the answer without making defensive replies? It might not be what you think. It may be that he just thinks you don't hear him.

BTW - At 10 he could probably lean to mow the lawn. It's a job my boys always liked because it's outside and makes lots of noise. And doesn't need doing too often. 3 hours chores divided by 2 is only 90 mins..just saying..

It's nice of you to mow the neighbour's lawn, but that's the first thing I would cut TBH. He can pay someone to do that for him (disregard this advice if he does a lot for you and it's quid pro quo, but if it isn't then he isn't your responsibility)

Other than that, though, you are absolutely not a cow. When your DS is grown, he will appreciate how much you love him and how much you did for him: the hero worship of his father will wane as he grows up and realises his father's house is built on sand. I know a woman who had an absolute asshole of a partner: violent, abusive, you name it. Their son idolised his father and lived with him between the ages of 14 and 17, but he wised up in the end and now doesn't speak to his father at all. It is hard when you're going through it, but you're doing a great job.

I don't think know did anything wrong and I'm surprised he was upstairs crying. Don't let yourself be manipulated, kids need telling off sometimes and I remember my own mum repeatedly telling me off about napkins in pockets (I still make that mistake sometimes at the age of 35 though).

And it's not your job to build up a fake image of his dad.

Hi OP, your response is normal to a stressful situation, you haven't done anything wrong. Working full time and running a home and single parenthood is exhausting( I speak from experience). The non resident parent ( almost always dad) will always be removed from the challenges you face and is often seen as the 'chirpy' one. You are not alone. Take care of yourself, your son is lucky to have such a positive role model in you. Enjoy an extra glass of wine!

@MartyFunkhouser Where exactly did OP say that she'd mentioned his dad TO DS? She mentioned him to US. Not DS.
Reading comprehension....

I can understand your resentment and frustration towards the "disney dad", but your DS didn't choose his dad or this situation, so its not his fault all this lies on you, so that frustration and your "load" should not be loaded onto him at 10 years old.

Yes, he is old enough for a few chores, but it's not abnormal for a kid to forget to take tissue out of his pockets - and of course you keep reminding him, but you really don't need to go on about how you do it all on your own - that's not his fault and shouldn't be thrown at him at 10years old, as it really isn't relevant. His chores should be age appropriate (as they are) and just because he should be starting to take a bit of responsibility in looking after himself - not because you are a single parent.

No wonder he is upset being made to feel like he adds to your load.

Ive got a very sensitive one like that, just reassure him you love him and are not angry with him just asking for a little bit of help. Youre his whole world, he knows what his dad is.

I’m sorry that people are wading in and giving you a hard time. You are doing the absolute best you can. I have older children (boys) and they have been started off at this age actually a bit younger, doing their own washing cleaning and cooking. It takes a while. Just remind him you are a team of two and you love him. Teach him how to properly handle these domestic jobs and give lots of praise when he does them to any degree. It gets better, and I used to have my lads do one thing every night ( clear shoes, dishes, wipe down the shower, change the bedding etc) and it becomes much more manageable. Keep your chin up girl, you are doing a great job. Sending hugs.

OP, I really feel for you.
Could you have a sit down with him and explain all the things that need doing at home before you can spend time together, and ask him to help you? Does he get pocket money?
Could you draw up a chore chart, and make it so there's either a monetary reward or time reward for each one? (So say he does the laundry that saves you half an hour, you'll have half an hour extra to do something with him at the weekend?)
Make it so he's the "hero" - you really need his help, you really want to spend the time with him, but the chores are preventing you and he can come along and be the reason you get more time together?
Or just ask him if you can do all the things together so that you spend that time together, you're teaching him those life skills to set him up for the future, and getting things done twice as fast?

You sound like you're doing your best and his Disney dad isn't helping, but focus on what you can change and not what you can't - doesn't sound like his dad will ever be a proper adult.

Hugs xxx

I don't think you were wrong to remind him about the plates and the tissues, or about the fact that at least part of the weekend has to go on household tasks. Even an implicit message that his dad gets to slack off on this isn't inappropriate.

I suspect that his reaction is because he was faced with the sudden realisation that there are all sorts of emotions in his mum that he'd never been aware of before. And the adult world he's staring into the barrel of is full of this kind of thing. And he can't even articulate that.

Actually, he's about the age mine were when they started doing their own washing. It has loads of advantages- they remember to check their own pockets and find out what happens if they don't, miraculously socks stay together- that's a real mystery- and he'll always know where his pe kit is.