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Original poster

Was I rude..? And what to do next?

194 replies

BassPlayerWanted · 22/06/2024 09:12

For clarity, I don't think I was but I also don't feel comfortable about the situation two days later so I'm just looking for other perspectives.

I do an activity. The 'outing hobby I'm not going to name' 😉. There are four of us - me and three men. I'm close to two of the men. The other, I regard as a bit of a dick but he really wanted to be part of it and so I relented - that was my first mistake...

He has a partner of 3 years. Their relationship can be best described as something out of a 70s sitcom. It's all a bit she 'nags' him for being a bit useless; he responds pipe down woman. That type of thing.

Anyway, other people's relationships aren't my concern (but it's relevant) , so I'll get to the point.

The four of us met up for the activity this week. He entered the room criticising his partner in a 'lighthearted' way - she'd nearly kicked him out this week but it's OK because, "now she's back on her tablets now so she's happy again." 🙄 (this is also relevant).

So he'd already irritated me by this comment. Her medication is none of our business, neither is their shitty relationship and telling us she nearly kicked him out and framing it as a 'her' issue pissed me off. I made a comment to show I thought it was inappropriate but didn't challenge further (because not my business) and he left it.

Towards the end of the evening, I tried to say, "I'm going to be full on at work for the next few weeks so I won't be available," and to propose the next steps in lieu of that. That was it. I started to speak. The first two men looked at me to listen, he started fiddling with stuff, not listening to me and not paying attention and making noise it was impossible to be heard over. Both of the other men told him I was speaking and to stop what he was doing and listen but he carried on.

Anyway (I'll get to the actual point now!), I ended up raising my voice (over the noise so not shouting/angry but probably sounded frustrated because I was) to say, "John! (Not his name), can you listen?" I'd waited for a moment of quiet and started speaking 3 or 4 times by that point.

He turned to me and said, "Ooh, shall I get you one of Sue's (not her name) happy pills? Will that help?" With a 😁😁😁

At that point, I'd had enough of him and just saw red. So I turned to him and said, "John. Just fuck off." He replied with the usual it was 'just a joke'. I said it wasn't and that Sue might be ok with him making shitty sexist comments to her but he wasn't speaking to me like that. I packed away my stuff and walked out the room and went home. I can't remember the last time I felt that angry!

The thing is, I actually think I did do the right thing in standing up for myself but I don't think i've ever told anyone to fuck off in my life! And I just feel a bit weird/awkward about it... probably because he's likely even more convinced I need one of Sue's happy pills now! 🙄

I'm just not really sure what to do next.I didn't raise my voice and what I've recounted here is as accurate as it can be without cctv footage to refer to 👍🏻

YABU - you were rude. You should have laughed along - it was just a joke

YANBU - He's lucky that's all you said and he's twat. Get rid.

OP posts:
Original poster
BassPlayerWanted · 22/06/2024 11:04

Icantpaint · 22/06/2024 11:00

Ah he’s one of those. Not a bad player but used to being on his own so his set up sounds terrible in the mix. Can play a bit but isn’t used to interacting musically so it all jars a bit. And no idea how to behave as a professional.

what do you play by the way?

Show quote history

Yep, that's exactly it. And he can't hear it and doesn't really know how to use any of it. But he's been asking for a couple of years if he can join us if we start something on our own so it seemed churlish not to at the time.

Bass.

OP posts:
Icantpaint · 22/06/2024 11:04

BassPlayerWanted · 22/06/2024 10:58

I can imagine. The sound guys at gigs are the worst 😉

Edited
Show quote history

The female singer in a previous band (also played guitar and wrote all the songs) once got told if she stuck at it she could one day be a real musician like the boys in her band.

our current singer often gets creepy blokes cornering her after gigs to tell her how good she is and chatting her up. We all have to step in and make sure she’s ok far too often.

Icantpaint · 22/06/2024 11:00

BassPlayerWanted · 22/06/2024 10:52

He's never played in a band before so somethings I wouldn't expect him to know/realise but that's a basic. But was wiling to give him a chance because I've heard him play on his own and he's actually OK.

But last time, he'd changed his strings before practice so spent most of the time out of tune/retuning. Stuff like that, he really should have known not to do

He's got a load of expensive kit - Gretsch and a huge pedal board 🙄 but no awareness. We have to keep telling him to turn down and that he doesn't need delay when he's just strumming chords.

I'm just having a whinge now but he'd already pissed me off musically before any of this 😬

Show quote history

Ah he’s one of those. Not a bad player but used to being on his own so his set up sounds terrible in the mix. Can play a bit but isn’t used to interacting musically so it all jars a bit. And no idea how to behave as a professional.

what do you play by the way?

Original poster
BassPlayerWanted · 22/06/2024 10:58

Icantpaint · 22/06/2024 10:39

I thought it would be a band. I’ve had similar issues with people before (without the sexism)

I try to only ever be in bands with people who aren’t dicks. Easier said than done sometimes though. You’re spot on about people making noise while you’re trying to talk and how it’s important to discuss availability as it doesn’t work with one missing.

id say life’s too short. He either needs replacing if there’s value in rhythm guitar (only you guys know this) or “letting go” if there isn’t.

I’ve been in bands for 35 years on and off. It’s a bloody minefield (and I’m a bloke so don’t have the sexist shut to deal with, I know women I’ve played with have some stories though…)

Show quote history

I can imagine. The sound guys at gigs are the worst 😉

OP posts:
Eddielizzard · 22/06/2024 10:56

My god what a twat. I have also known many twats in my life.

I think you should move on without him. He will never totally stop this nonsense and he'll just wind you up. You will be SO much happier without him there.

Lifeomars · 22/06/2024 10:55

So many of us have had to put up with so many "Johns" in our lives, have a round of applause and a virtual bouquet from me for doing what I have sometimes longed to do.

Original poster
BassPlayerWanted · 22/06/2024 10:54

Makegoodchoices · 22/06/2024 10:48

Can you imagine knowing that your partner had to medicate themselves to be able to put up with you, and actually saying it out loud in front of people?

That’s such a reverse flex I don’t think I could deal with the conversation. “So John, you’re saying that she doesn’t actually like you but if she takes these pills she find it easier to pretend?” Wowsers.

God, I wish I'd thought of that! 🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
BassPlayerWanted · 22/06/2024 10:52

Icantpaint · 22/06/2024 10:44

Cardinal band sin, playing while
people are talking!

Show quote history

He's never played in a band before so somethings I wouldn't expect him to know/realise but that's a basic. But was wiling to give him a chance because I've heard him play on his own and he's actually OK.

But last time, he'd changed his strings before practice so spent most of the time out of tune/retuning. Stuff like that, he really should have known not to do

He's got a load of expensive kit - Gretsch and a huge pedal board 🙄 but no awareness. We have to keep telling him to turn down and that he doesn't need delay when he's just strumming chords.

I'm just having a whinge now but he'd already pissed me off musically before any of this 😬

OP posts:
violetposie · 22/06/2024 10:51

It's obviously rude to tell someone to fuck off, but I'm going with YANBU because I'd have done the same in the circumstances and I don't think it's an overreaction to his rudeness, he's a dick!

skibiditoilet · 22/06/2024 10:50

Poor Sue. It’s clearly her ‘problems’ are John.

Makegoodchoices · 22/06/2024 10:48

Can you imagine knowing that your partner had to medicate themselves to be able to put up with you, and actually saying it out loud in front of people?

That’s such a reverse flex I don’t think I could deal with the conversation. “So John, you’re saying that she doesn’t actually like you but if she takes these pills she find it easier to pretend?” Wowsers.

Katrinawaves · 22/06/2024 10:46

mupersum1 · 22/06/2024 10:37

@Katrinawaves

You’ve never heard of a man being described as domineering?

That poster said bossy and domineering but you only referred to domineering. I've never heard a man called 'bossy'.

Even if you have once or twice, do you really not agree that the word 'bossy' is far more often used to describe women than men?

Just because you haven’t heard the word being used of a man doesn’t mean it isn’t! It describes a particular interpersonal style and isn’t synonymous with being an effective female leader but resented because of your gender if that’s what you are intending to suggest.

Icantpaint · 22/06/2024 10:44

BassPlayerWanted · 22/06/2024 10:41

He did hear because he turned his head to look at one of theen. He just turned back and carried on though

Cardinal band sin, playing while
people are talking!

Original poster
BassPlayerWanted · 22/06/2024 10:41

He did hear because he turned his head to look at one of theen. He just turned back and carried on though

OP posts:
Original poster
BassPlayerWanted · 22/06/2024 10:40

He had his back to us too. If I thought he'd just not heard, I'd have tapped him on the shoulder.

OP posts:
Original poster
BassPlayerWanted · 22/06/2024 10:40

Dartwarbler · 22/06/2024 10:36

I think after telling him to listen once, and him ignoring, I’d have stood up and turned said amp off at socket.
not said anything
just turned off power
made my point that way

short of him being very dick ish and getting up and turning it back on it’d have worked.

Done that with my DCs when they wouldn’t listen or turn off amps, PlayStations etc. just turn bloody thing off at mains.

if he’d have asked why you turned it off I’d have simply stated “becuase someone is trying to discuss something and band etiquette means everyone stops playing when there’s a request for a discussion, and you clearly didn’t hear that request with the noise you were making. I wanted to ensure you could hear and not merely assume you did hear the request but were just being rude.”

Show quote history

Fair point. I think that probably would have been treating him like a child though! Rather than just expecting him to be an adult about it and stop himself.

Like I say, I didn't shout, I was frustrated but not angry at that point.

And he had heard (he heard the two other men too) because we all made sure we'd got his attention/waited for a brief break in what he was doing. He just ignored it.

OP posts:
mupersum1 · 22/06/2024 10:40

She said she's asked him not to tell people about her medication but he ignores her and everything's just a joke to him

God he's doing it even though she's specifically asked him not to. What an utter cunt. He sounds awful, not a chance I would choose to spend time with him any more at all.

Icantpaint · 22/06/2024 10:39

BassPlayerWanted · 22/06/2024 09:45

Katrinawaves

It's a band. The two men I'm close to and I all used to play in a band together. We're all good musicians. We've been saying for a while that we should start something together. I was the one who got the ball rolling.

John plays the guitar but only ever has done at home on his own and he really wanted to join so we brought him on as rhythm guitar. We don't actually need a rhythm guitarist. If he left, it wouldn't be the end of the world. If any of the three of us left, we would need replacing.

It's quite normal that, if one person can't attend practice, you let the others know because without an integral part of the band there, a practice isn't much use. It would be like an orchestra practising without the entire violin section. So we don't practice if someone is unavailable. So they do need to know.

I was going to suggest we agreed on a few songs to work on because were very new so still at the learning/practising new songs stage. Which would be usual practice.

I doubt if one of theen had tried to impart this information, you'd consider him domineering and bossy? Just passing on useful information.

And, yes, when someone is strumming a guitar through an amp, it is impossible to hold a conversation.

I thought it would be a band. I’ve had similar issues with people before (without the sexism)

I try to only ever be in bands with people who aren’t dicks. Easier said than done sometimes though. You’re spot on about people making noise while you’re trying to talk and how it’s important to discuss availability as it doesn’t work with one missing.

id say life’s too short. He either needs replacing if there’s value in rhythm guitar (only you guys know this) or “letting go” if there isn’t.

I’ve been in bands for 35 years on and off. It’s a bloody minefield (and I’m a bloke so don’t have the sexist shut to deal with, I know women I’ve played with have some stories though…)

mupersum1 · 22/06/2024 10:37

@Katrinawaves

You’ve never heard of a man being described as domineering?

That poster said bossy and domineering but you only referred to domineering. I've never heard a man called 'bossy'.

Even if you have once or twice, do you really not agree that the word 'bossy' is far more often used to describe women than men?

mommatoone · 22/06/2024 10:37

No wonder Sue is on the 'happy pills' being married to this prick. You did the right thing OP. Don't give it another thought ,hopefully he will either leave the group or keep his gob shut.

Original poster
BassPlayerWanted · 22/06/2024 10:36

stayathomer · 22/06/2024 10:30

One of the other men is a really close friend of mine and it's him I'm spoken to. The first thing I said was, "You'd better not have apologised or made excuses for me!"

He said he hadnt and that nothing had been said. It was all very quiet.
Op to be honest whatever your hobby is I think the other two are probably wondering if they’re better off without- yes that guy was awful but you sound quite on edge

Yeah, I can see that I might appear that way.

I'm not. Like I said, I've ever told anyone to fuck off and I can't even remember the last time I was angry.

I've probably had my fill of arsehole men though 😉

The other guy was fine with it. It was only just afterwards that he spoke to me and I was still angry. I wasn't off with him but I wanted him to know that I was serious.

OP posts:
Dartwarbler · 22/06/2024 10:36

BassPlayerWanted · 22/06/2024 10:25

I had raised my voice so the others could listen but I can't out volume a 500w amplifier! 🤣 so they still couldn't hear. And he needed to hear it too.

It wasn't just about not making it next week. Thee will be no practice without me next week. When we don't practice, we agree on what we're going to work on instead.

As I said, it's just poor band etiqiette and anyone who has played in any type of musical enemble knows its rude to play while someone is speaking. Just as it would be to carry in a private conversation in a meeting.

The other two men had already asked him to stop so they could hear me. Plus, they both have hearing loss and wear hearing aids (years of playing in bands!) so they had no chance of hearing me whilst he was blasting out chords. Though an amp. Loudly.

I had to raise my voice because he couldn't hear me otherwise.

Show quote history

I think after telling him to listen once, and him ignoring, I’d have stood up and turned said amp off at socket.
not said anything
just turned off power
made my point that way

short of him being very dick ish and getting up and turning it back on it’d have worked.

Done that with my DCs when they wouldn’t listen or turn off amps, PlayStations etc. just turn bloody thing off at mains.

if he’d have asked why you turned it off I’d have simply stated “becuase someone is trying to discuss something and band etiquette means everyone stops playing when there’s a request for a discussion, and you clearly didn’t hear that request with the noise you were making. I wanted to ensure you could hear and not merely assume you did hear the request but were just being rude.”

JackieGoodman · 22/06/2024 10:36

YANBU definitely, I think some who say you were being bossy as you wanted him to listen to you saying you couldn't make it have skim read your OP. You were trying to tell them useful info, not just that you weren't available.

I'd probably give him one more chance (but I'm soft Grin) and if he stays the same then drop him.

Original poster
BassPlayerWanted · 22/06/2024 10:33

Boxina · 22/06/2024 10:27

I'm also in a band that is also fairly new and I would say just ditch him. You weren't rude but that doesn't matter because what's important is that a band gets on well and is tight and has good relationships and that is never going to happen with this guy because he's obviously a total twat. Guitarists are a ten a penny especially for rhythm guitar so I would just get rid of him now.

We had similar in the very early days of our band where we were going to have a male singer as well as me and before he'd even turned up to a rehearsal he was having hissy fits on our WhatsApp about where we would rehearse and causing a big fuss and we just decided to let him leave. He actually took himself out of the WhatsApp in one of his fits and then we just never asked him to come back because after discussion we all agreed that we didn't want any divas in the group. We haven't missed him.

The main thing for a band is that you get on and have fun together and that you can rely on each other so he absolutely has to go.

Blimey!

Yep, you're well,rid. And you're totally right!

OP posts:
Original poster
BassPlayerWanted · 22/06/2024 10:31

Combattingthemoaners · 22/06/2024 10:26

Go you 💪. He was rude, not you. His poor wife must be miserable.

I don't think she sees it the same way i do. She's messaged me this morning to ask what happened between me and him because he's been very quiet since he got home from it.

So I told her.

She said she's asked him not to tell people about her medication but he ignores her and everything's just a joke to him 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts: