If you went NC with a parent did you ever regret it?

I went NC and six months down the line I see the dynamic causing the NC incredibly clearly. It’s amazing how much we tolerate, how much time it takes to process events and how we have to battle often alone. Sounds dramatic but if only anyone knew my thoughts and journey over the past months. Wishing everyone the best with their journey through NC.

Damn right. You owe them nothing. Enjoy the freedom!

No regrets.
And you know what i found freeing?
NOT forgiving. I realised i didnt have to forgive. Cos i didnt want to. And i could still move on.
And i have. No regrets. I did what was right for me.

No regrets here. My father left when I was about nine. Heard from him intermittently for maybe ten years. Then when I was in my forties he had the cheek to write to my mother asking her to "help him to get to know me". I wrote to him pointing out that he'd had that opportunity when I was a child and was never interested, did he really think Mum would go behind my back like this (she had shown me the letter) and btw did his current wife - the woman he committed adultery with - know he was writing to us? I am glad to say I never heard from the old wretch again. He died a few years ago.

I only regret not doing it sooner.

I went NC with my 'mother' when I was 18. She attempted to contact me a few times in my late teens and early 20s which was horrendous. She died when I was in my mid 20s and, frankly, it was a huge relief. I didn't attend her funeral. Then from the age of 30 I gradually became NC with all my relatives.

I'm 50 now and have zero regrets.

I agree. What can I say though, he made his own bed and he had to lie in it. It was sad, but very much of his own doing.

I'm sorry you've been in that position 😔 I think there can only be forgiveness and reconciliation if true regret and remorse is shown.

I think if your NC is a group decision it can sometimes make it easier to move forward with regards to out of sight out of mind.

You state the crime would effect their children which I read that you have siblings. If your siblings have also cut contact, along with anyone you have day to day interactions with such as a partner or adult children, I think this reduces the reopening of wounds each time they interact with/bring up in conversation that they have interacted with them.

Grieving the end of any relationship; longtime friendship, sibling, marriage is still awful. You have lost all the dreams and interactions through no fault of your own.

Whether you choose to get in contact in the future or not, remember it is not your crime. You are allowed to feel all the emotions of grief and stand by your decision.

You are doing the right thing for you right now.

NC since 2019. It took a year of extreme behaviour from my parents who "wouldn't allow it" - trying to break into my house, standing behind my car while I was trying to reverse away, kicking off in public places - culminating in a legal letter to get them to leave me alone.

But it's been the most peaceful time of my life.

Teens have only really questioned it when they've been in a mood about something else. I told them a relationship with them wasn't healthy or safe - they've been given some details but not the life story. Exh also tells them they must stay away - I think since this is the only thing we have ever agreed on, the kids must know it's serious.

It's particularly hard when they have no remorse and don't want to make amends. It leaves you very confused as a child. My dad got his comeuppance dying alone etc but it's a horrible situation to be in as the adult child.

Also, after she died I was helping to clear out her things. A relative was gifted her relationship and her last search on FB was for me.

It was such a pathetic way to end up. She deserved it.

I went NC on my biological mother in 2013. I'd had enough of the appalling treatment. One thing that helped significantly was calling her by her name rather than "mum" when referring to her. A relative asked me if I was doing it to hurt her, I told them it was to protect me. Once I'd broken the use of the term "mum" I was able to see the relationship for what it was.

She was very sick and died in 2015. I was told she was ill the day before. I cried for a few minutes and then it was over. She died the next day. We've all done so much better since she died, no more walking on eggshells. Life is better with her not in it.

I'm not really into country music but when I woke up on the day she died (she died later on in the day) I dreamt about the song "Don't put dirt on my grave just yet" from Nashville. It gave me so much strength.

If you told anyone else about your relationship but it was in a romantic relationship, they'd tell you to leave. This is no different. You deserve better.

I went NC with my mother 15 years ago and have never regretted it. She brought not one positive thing to my life in fact she just was a source of anxiety and stress. It seemed her good in life was to make me either feel bad about myself or sorry for her.

Once I realised she was starting to become toxic to my DCs to protect them I went NC. I have heard that if she meets anyone she’s the victim that I cut her out, thought I was “too good for her” whatever that means. Of course she’s never going to say it was her fault.

I’ve told the DCs she was abusive to me growing up and I won’t want her to be like that to them. I miss having a mother/daughter relationship and miss that my DCs never had a lovely grandma but I certainly do not miss her in my life.

It really depends on the situation. I think the shock of finding out your parent had done something criminal would take a long time to get over. But if you previously had a good and close relationship, I think I'd want to understand why they had done the bad thing and find out if they were remorseful for the trouble it caused. As adults, we come to understand that our parents are human and flawed but we can still love them even when they've made a terrible choice, if they are regretful and want to make amends.

Yes, me. Although the reason was different and a serious crime is quite another thing.

My mum was driving me bonkers, I had delayed anger with her over what she had done during my childhood and I found her really intrusive. I lived abroad and stopped taking her calls for about two years. Last conversation with her I told her to get out of my life forever. Maybe even that I hated her. Then she died suddenly and very young. Hardest thing ever. Had a proper breakdown. She’d been a very loving mum as well as someone often in terrible circumstances. I live in abject fear of history repeating itself with my own DD

You really feel it when you see what you don't have. When I was about 14 I went to stay in friends house and was totally unsettled by how calm it was. I was waiting for the shouting to start. It never did. It's always stuck with me.

have been nc with "parents" for 5 years and is only since then i have been able to start to heal from a lifetime of severe abuse and neglect. long way to go but they are toxic and i don't want my children anywhere near that. i feel angry that they are healthy and well when other much kinder people their age have passed. also really upset me recently as health not great been in and out of hospital and i just wish i had a "mum" or what i thought that might be someone to look after me be there for me etc. i think the closest to that feeling i got was when in hospital a wonderful nurse on the night shift came in and i was crying and she stroked my hair and went to get me a drink. i felt so cared for. i feel so sad that so many have this kind of female caring relative in their life regularly and i never had that

Haven't seen/spoken to my "dad" in 32 years. On a day to day basis I do not miss him. Special occasions like Fathets day, I miss having a dad but I don't miss him as a person

I'm really glad you found a route that worked for you and are happier as a result. It's definitely not a one size fits all though. Forgiveness isn't freeing for everyone. Sometimes peace comes with separation. DH was totally happy and at peace with his decision to go totally NC. He feels no guilt or bitterness. He's not angry. While he hasn't forgiven, he certainly has forgotten and they just don't factor in any part of his life anymore. That's absolutely fine, as is your decision to go a different route.

I used to be very religious and “forgiveness” Is a common tool used by abusers in those circles to avoid taking responsibility. It switches things around so that the one impacted by poor choices has the highest moral burden to change, whereas the perpetrators are saved by grace or if not that, then transformed by your living holy example (heaping coals on their head).

I have concluded it’s a terrible way to live and left religion for my sanity. Taking responsibility for yourself (when your family members refuse to do so) and putting appropriate boundaries in place is the way to go.
Of course, if the family member has genuine regret and a sincere desire to work on themselves then that’s something you can actively support them with but if not and their behaviour doing your head in, there is no need to apply forgiveness and NC may be the most appropriate response for internal peace and wellbeing.

@BoundaryGirl3939 the ‘forgiveness’ line is the manipulation tactic that was used against me for thirty year by a religious mother who also happened to be a narcissist. Along with the old ‘honour your parents that it may go well with you’ it messed me up to the point I felt guilty even trying to have boundaries. Forgiving somebody doesn’t mean continuing to let them hurt you. Sometimes it’s not safe for a person to be in your life. NC isn’t always a sign of lack of forgiveness. It’s nice you’ve found some peace, or at least think you have, but that sort of judgement can be extremely damaging and I doubt it’s helpful for OP.

Edited to add: I’ve been NC since beginning of the year and although it feels strange a weight has been lifted. I only realised recently that I’ve stopped having almost daily intrusive thoughts and I feel resilient for the first time in my life. It’s given me the freedom to begin finding out who I actually am and what my own opinions really are.

NC with my dad and have been since childhood. No regrets at all. He's not dead. Can't be doing with all this waffle about "forgiveness being healing". It's really nothing to do with anyone else.

Show me the evidence that babies were dumped in a septic tank?

The media lied about that case. All the babies died natural deaths. They were placed in a underground cript. Council knocked the home to build a housing estate. Bones were disturbed and pushed close to a septic tank during that building work. Media ran with the untrue story.

Rate of infant mortality was the same inside the home as outside during those bleak, impoverished times.

You seem a bit obsessed with my posts DanielG. Good luck.