If you went NC with a parent did you ever regret it?

I havent forgiven.
Ive completely moved on.
Im content and secure in my decision. No poison. In fact the opposite. Im a lot healthier because of it. Its made me very strong and ive raised strong women as a result.
I have, as dr phil put it, risen above my rearing.

i went NC with my father when i was 21.
I miss my father. But then i realise who he is and that he is incapable of being a father. I miss the idea of having a father who loves you. I dont miss him.

In the future I will tell my son that he has a grandad but we don't talk. He has lots of family who love him. I will be honest but i will be trying to change the topic quickly.

@mrssunshinexxx oh I get it completely, and can reassure you I've had many years of counselling (including the amazing EMDR), and I'm still like it with her 🤣
I do however, have excellent boundaries with her, and she can no longer manipulate me.
It's never helped my circle of friends all have excellent relationships with their mothers, so that plays a role as well.

Nope.

I don’t think it’s a binary choice of holding a grudge vs forgiving. I certainly haven’t forgiven my parents for the emotional and physical abuse that peppered my childhood, but I’m not holding a grudge. I don’t want anything at all to do with him or to have him anywhere near me or my family ever again but equally I give him very little thought (other than when threads like this come up!) on a day to day basis. I have, most certainly, ‘moved on’.

That's very much a personal choice. There's no right or wrong.

Forgiving doesn't mean you forget what they did,
It just means you're able to move on.

Holding a grudge is kind of like taking poison yourself and expecting the other person to die.

I've forgiven my mum for her crappy parenting, she agreed she didn't do a great job but we've moved on and have an adult relationship now

*Doteycat

No regrets.
And you know what i found freeing?
NOT forgiving. I realised i didnt have to forgive. Cos i didnt want to. And i could still move on.
And i have. No regrets. I did what was right for me.*

This is it - it is about moving on. Forgiving/Forgetting/not/NC/LC - the choice you make and the words you use are all are less important that how much you let the rest of you life be defined by relationships in your past. Its right you get to tell your story, and feel however you need to feel. But I have talked to people who bring every conversation back to their parent/ex/sibling/whoever. And you can see the damage it is doing to them in front of your eyes. When someone has been traumatized once, it is sad to see them inadvertently continuing to do it to themselves.

Yes, being told to forgive is just an older version of Be Kind.

I'm not full of hate or resentment. Nor do I feel the need to forgive.

There is no "right" way to do things, it's very individual. What works for someone may not work for someone else and patronising lectures about "forgiveness" are just annoying.

Same here. Forgiveness carries too much implication of pardoning the wrongdoer, for me. I don't carry bitterness or resentment of my father. Nor do I forgive him (especially since he wronged others far more than me). I just feel scorn when I bother to think about him, which is rarely, and usually on threads like these. Oh, and satisfaction for having eventually told him exactly what I thought of him.

And some people are not confused at all about what forgiveness means to them and for them.
I have no anger and i have not fortgotten. Nor have i forgiven.
I will never forget because remembering makes me a much better person.
Im in a very good place because i neither forgave nor forgot.

@OrdinaryMatilda your post struck a cord with me. Feel free to tell me to butt out but I used to be so yeah yeah when people mentioned therapy but I have had some since losing my mum to dissect that and the following NC with my father and it has been so so helpful, just thought it might help you understand why you feel you can't quite let go x

I'm no contact with my mum for 18 years. It helps that she's fallen out with everyone so none of the family speak to her.
I'm sometimes envious of other people's relationships with their mums but I remind myself I have lots of 'mums'

• I have an aunty who has become my daughter's grandma in everything but name, baking cakes and buying gifts for her
• I have a MIL I have a fairly close relationship with
• I have the mum of a friend who takes us out for meals and afternoon tea
• I have the older woman I work with who's a shoulder to cry on when I'm upset and makes sure I wear suncream

I've been no contact with my biological father for around 10 years now. I'll be going to the funeral to make sure the fucker is dead. Zero regrets.

My mother, I'm low contact. For some reason I can't quite cut her out completely. I'm not sure I even like her TBH. Despite the childhood I endured, I know it would definitely grieve me if I went totally no contact with her. I can't even explain why.

I do wish I had a 'decent' mother. If I was in your situation, I maybe wouldn't be as harsh, depending on the crime of course. But you can't ignore how you feel either.

I'm nc with both parents , I don't regret being nc with my mother at all, she is a narcissist and gave me the childhood from hell, she is a very nasty and twisted person. I gave her so many chances over the years to change and treat me right but she never could. I now know that I have to accept that she'll never be a mother and I have to live in this limbo of never having had a mother yet she's still alive.
I'm sad about my father but despite being separated for the best part of 3 decades , he is her enabler and flying monkey. Last time I removed her from my life , he was angry because she was sick. He then stopped contact for nearly 2 months , devastating my toddler, who cried for his grandad. That was a step too far and something I couldn't forgive. He made his choice and my child won't suffer the consequences. I'm more than willing to break my heart to protect my son. Hell never know the cruelty I did as a child

You are absolutely right.
People get confused
They think to forgive means letting the other person get away with bad behaviour and having to have a relationship again with them.
It does not.
Infact the only way some people can go no contact with someone is to hate them and be full of anger. This is not healthy
Causes bitterness, resentment, depression
But forgiveness means completely forgetting about it.
Forgiveness is for you , not the dis functional person.
Good example:
About 2 month ago a sibling (on WhatsApp) wrote a long monologue about how he felt 'entitled' to a certain pot of money , we as a family have put aside for Granddad - shout he need care before he dies (he's 84 and in fairly good health)
Once he died we will split the money up, if there is any left.
But this person wanted their share now (dirty , grabby etc) it was very upsetting and more the way it was done.
Point is after 2 days of this messing with my head I let it go.
( we also got together as a family and firmly said no)
Not spoken to sibling since.
(It all about drama)
We're not no contact but I'm in a really good place and will not tolerate any batshittery and they know it.

I went no contact about 3 years ago with my father follow the sudden death of my mum and his actions. I couldn't actually believe his choices and actions and obvious lack of respect for my mum or his children in such a traumatic time. 8 don't regret it I just wish it had been him and not my mum. She was everything to everyone she was incredible . It does cause me anxiety and what ifs but ultimately you can't make someone behave how you think they should ? If someone impacts your life more negatively than positively it's ok to go NC when im doubting myself i ask myself if id accept this hurt off a friend or a colleague / basically any other human and the answer is no. Just because someone has a title in our lives and are related by blood doesn't actually have to mean that much when you break down their actions. x

I’ve gone NC with extended family and have no regrets. Therapy can help with grieving the parent you deserve but didn’t have.

I went NC with a parent 12 years ago. No regrets. I have had a couple of wobbles over the years, but ultimately protecting my peace is worth it. Sending hugs. It’s a big decision x

@DanielGault

Be that as it may, there comes a point where you have to say enough now. You don't owe your parents a free pass to abuse you. Sometimes you just have to let them go if they're having a negative affect on your life.
THIS

It is true they are always explanations why a parent acts negatively.
but ti allow them to continue to do this to you is Abuse.
And you cannot allow that.
Forgive of course, but the only way to have a healthy relationship is with very strong boundaries (and I'm the kind of person to tell someone to fo if they push these boundaries) but it takes a lot.
Some of the batshit behaviour dish out by some parents and accepted by children/ adult children is very sad.

I went nc 2 years ago and was lc for years before that. I have found it extremely liberating especially when I've been triggered when remembering aspects of my childhood - knowing that I have escaped from that oppression feels empowering and it's satisfying for me to know that I had the strength to walk away. No regrets at all.

I always wonder if there was something I could have done to fix things. Even though I’d tried years of therapy trying to understand my mum’s behaviour. Unfortunately I’m saddled with a lifetime of guilt as I got married in the April (parents didn’t come to wedding, they were kind of invited but my mum had told me I’d need to keep my grandad away from her or she’d throw Prosecco over him so the invitation was quite a half hearted one) and then she took her own life two months later. I was subsequently blamed for her suicide by my dad and still am.

Mine is an extreme case and very messed up. I did my best at the time with the cards I was dealt. At the time, being in contact with my parents was causing me severe stress. So I did what I could to protect my peace.

You're so right there. You don't realise what you're going through until you're out of it. And that starts a whole new questioning phase. It's very difficult. But it's not insurmountable.

Absolutely no regrets at all.

Went NC FINALLY 30 years ago with my mother and all her family including her vile husband and the half siblings she had with this man.

Most of them are dead now - except Mother's god awful sister and one half sibling. I found out about the various deaths through the internet. Felt nothing! It was like reading about total strangers.

Live your best life OP and don't let the thought/memory of these people drag you down.