To be annoyed at SIL-to-be?

For my wedding, my husband's sister and my brother's fiancee were both bridesmaids and invited to the Hen do, although husband's sister couldn't make it. My husband's sister's son was a page boy, and his older daughter (my step) was flower girl.

For my brother's wedding, last weekend, both my Mum and I were invited to the Hen, I went, Mum didn't. I was a bridesmaid, my daughter was flower girl.

It's not obligatory but it's a way to help show you want a harmonious and happy relationship with your in laws. I can't see why you wouldn't want to do that considering it's a very easy thing to do and makes people feel included.

All this bride's side/groom's side stuff is weird, the whole point is you are joining families.

I also agree that if you want to be more involved in the wedding, be annoyed with your brother. He's the one not involving you, not SIL. You're not her family side, why are both family sides her responsibility?

Awwww 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

GrimGrimGrim
I'm with you on this one OP. Is your SIL-to-be a control freak?

WHY is it ALWAYS the woman who is being blamed? Just why?
Brother apparently not bothered much about family relationship, everybody is happy, but now he is getting married, his future wife invites her MIL to pick her dress, and STILL somehow you blame her?

Seriously?

I'd be upset at not being invited to hen do, it would be an opportunity to 'formally' acknowledge that you are going to be family and the spa would be an ideal venue (relaxed and chilled out). I can understand why you would want your children to be bridesmaid/pageboy etc; they are your brother's niece and nephew after all. Very tricky situation and as hard as it is, I think you just have to swallow it. I know several of my friends whose family relationships on the male side are strained(especially re paternal ILs) .
PS, I have yet to know of a wedding that hasn't caused upset to someone

My SIL to be invited me to her hen do - we do see eachother a lot as couples (me, my DH, brother and SIL to be as a four) but I was a little surprised as I wasn't expecting it.

Why would you invite your in laws or have them as part of the bridal party? I think that's more unusual tbh, YABU

You barely know your sister-in-law, so I wouldn't think it's a surprise that you're not invited. As for your mother, I can't imagine inviting your future mother-in-law to your hen. Yuck.

I'm with you on this one OP. Is your SIL-to-be a control freak?

I had this in my family a few years back. All the females on the groom's side were totally ignored, not invited to anything. The groom's mother was not allowed to have any input into the wedding arrangements, in fact, we weren't even allowed to know the colour scheme or any of the details about the wedding before we turned up on the day. The bride, her sister and their mother arranged everything and all the bridesmaids, ushers, etc etc were from the bride's family.

After they were married it became very clear that the bride was a total control freak. She stopped her husband from seeing his family, stopped him from socialising with friends, she even controlled what he was allowed to eat and drink. Obviously he was spineless for allowing it to happen and now, years later, they are divorced and he can finally see how toxic and manipulating she was.
I hope things turn out better for your DB.

Blimey - I have never been do a hen do where any in-laws are invited. It is meant to be the hen and her friends. It also feels presumptuous for adults to expect to be in a bridal party.

If your kids are little and you want them to be flower girls etc., why don't you and your mum invite your SIL to be out for afternoon tea and tell her you'd like to get to know her more. If it goes well you may be able to ask whether she is considering flower girls and if that can be your children.

It's a really good way to build a relationship with your future in laws though.

I invited both my SILs to my hen. We even went out a couple of weeks before just the three of us. I invited my MIL but she didn't come.

My DH's brothers had a child each at the time we got married. Our nephew we got a little suit and our niece was a flower girl (she was tiny, toddling) with a pretty little dress and a flower wand. She stole the show. Wouldn't have even occurred to me to not have her.

They're going to be your family. Why wouldn't you treat them as such?

Do you live some distance ? Though she’s not trying to avoid you all as she gets on with your mum.

You have a brother issue not a sil issue. Though I’d place bets on the fact he doesn’t see your relationship having any issues 😅

My idea of the Hen and Stag parties are for the couple to have a last fling before the wedding. I can’t imagine asking any in-laws unless you were really close..

I would step back, accept your brother is entering a new phase in his life which does not include you. You will save yourself a lot of heartbreak this way.

I didn't invite my MIL (nor my mum) to my hen do. My DSis wasn't there either as she lived abroad. I maybe would have invited my mum had my DSis been able to come.

There would be no way I would invite my MIL.

If my DH had sisters, I probably would have invited them IF we had been friends but it doesn't sound like you are. If you're only seeing your DB twice a year how can you have a relationship with SIL to be?

Yeah well there’s your answer. Your brother clearly doesn’t give much of a toss about your relationship so why on earth should she? If my DP was low contact with a family member I’d not feel it was my place to muscle in and increase the contact.

Fair play to you coming back to this thread, I think that’s very good given the feedback. I think you should book a nice dinner or drinks for the same day as the hen and go out and have some fun with your OH or some friends.

If you’d really like the chance to celebrate, maybe organise something for your side of the family (obviously with the bride’s permission). I didn’t have anyone from my husband’s side at my hen do, but they organised an afternoon tea for me and all the female relatives on his side, which was actually really lovely and meant they all got to be involved. It also meant I didn’t have to do the horribly awkward mixing of two separate groups at my actual hen (which was just friends - my poor mum didn’t get to go to either event which I probably should have done something about at the time, but hindsight is 20-20 🥴).

Obviously it’s 100% optional and non-traditional, but an option as you say you’d like the chance to celebrate together.