To be annoyed at SIL-to-be?

I would not invite my DM or my MIL to be to my hen do. It's for friends in my opinion.

I didn't invite my mum or my MIL to my hen do. I didn't have a SIL at the time, but when my brother got married 4 years later I didn't go to my SIL-to-be's hen do. And my brother and DH didn't go to each other's stag dos, nor did my dad or FIL. They're for friends, not family, in my opinion.

I voted YABU but my views are more nuanced.

Just because ALL the hens you've ever been to took a certain form, that doesn't mean hers has to. Lots of people would not want their mum or their MIL there. If her mum is coming I can sort of see this but if not YABVU.

I don't think you're unreasonable for hoping for an invitation yourself and I do think it's a little weird she didn't ask you. I can't imagine not including my sister in law in something like that, especially as it's a spa day and I'd be upset too. Something overseas she may worry you'd feel pressured to attend, costs, kids at home etc. But not a spa day where also with treatments etc it's not high pressure if you don't know other people.

But -

All the hen weekends I have EVER been on have always included the close family on both sides of the wedding party, not just the bride.

Honestly, I'm getting a pushy vibe from you OP.

It's also a huge exaggeration to say these two things in isolation mean she doesn't value me, nor care for my brother's family.

Tone it down OP.

So they don’t want you in their home to stay.. fair enough. They don’t actually invite you… you invite yourself…. They don’t want to visit your home…

Honestly op I’m surprised it’s taken to this thread for you to realise your brother really isn’t that fussed and as such his fiancée has taken his lead on how involved you are to be in the wedding/their lives.

I think the meal the day after the wedding is a much better time for all that!
I do realise many people don't have one, but there was a gathering organised the following day at pretty much every wedding I went to.

It's a much more casual and relax affair, after the excitement of the wedding.

At my own hen and my friends hen, I would not have wanted to have my in-laws, it was a fun time, full of private jokes and reminiscing things that were none of my in-law's business - stories including my own DH, but nothing his mum or sisters needed to know 😂

It seems a big assumption that not inviting someone on your hen do means you don't want to get to know them. I don't know anyone who invited inlaws on their hen-do. It is quite normal for it to be just your friends.

I also agree with the posters who say it is up to her brother not the SIL to include women on his side of the family in the wedding.

Finally, not everyone wants a super close relationship with their partner's family - maybe it will develop and maybe it won't. I don't think you can force these things. The SIL to be seems to get on with her husband's mother fine if she took her wedding dress shopping.

I didn’t invite mil or sil on my hen do either. I like them both but only see them a couple of times a year. I invited my close friends and family and it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to invite them along, I just wouldn’t have been as relaxed with them there.

That's the point. She's about to be her SIL, it would be normal (imo) to want to make an effort to get to know her. A spa weekend with the bride's friends is a perfect way for OP to get to know the bride better and vice versa. It seems from this thread that quite a few people think that that's unnecessary, which is sad. Your in-laws have the potential to be your support system, your children will be cousins, why would you not want to know them as well as possible?

I wouldn't have wanted my in-laws at my hen - it's time to have fun, relax and not overthink that you're being judged. By the sounds of it, you're not that close, so why would you be invited? Also, it's your brother's fault that your DC aren't included - if he wanted them included, he would have said. You can't blame your SIL to be for that one.

Still much much more than zero visits her brother arranges.

Having read through this chain it just seems to me that you are assuming a closeness that does not exist in reality - you have only met this woman a handful of times. If that was me, I wouldn't consider you close.

Even if you have been invited to another SIL's hen do, it is not the norm to invite your in-laws as many have commented. You are sounding somewhat demanding.

Sorry you've had this realisation, OP. It's also sad when you realise you make much more effort than family members. You sound like a lovely and welcoming SIL.

I think I would take a step back and let them invite you next time. If DB asks why you haven't visited, tell him it's his turn to arrange something.

@evencloser. you are right to pick me up on that. I got carried away and did not mean to use the word fling in that sense. Just that people like to be silly and maybe dont want their in-laws to witness it.

i am full of embarrassment.