To be annoyed at SIL-to-be?

who said there was anything WRONG with inviting in-laws?

The point is that the bride-to-be can invite whoever she wants, and can have the kind of hen do she wants. She can include the grand-mothers to a spa day, or she can have a fun week in Ibiza, who cares.

What is WRONG is having expectations and calling her rude for doing her own thing and organising a different kind of party than the one you had.

People really care about this trivia? I find it hard to understand. The bro & sister-in-law are not close (which is fine, of course). Just rock up to the wedding, be polite and otherwise concentrate on the important things in life.

We had a joint hen and stag do and just invited friends. Each to their own
We had requests from parents re ‘ can their dds be flower girls they’d love to dress up’, no I’m afraid not. I just had one witness, dh had his best man, we had a friend play an ice trumpet for my ‘entry’ 😆 and some friends in a band play other music. Dh asked a few friends on the day to tell people where to sit.
Kept it casual, very little fuss. That’s our choice. Just as your SIL and your brother have theirs.

Everyone does things differently.
Try not to take it personally or dwell on it. These things can fester and ruin your opinion of someone who could become a great new addition to the family.

Some people are just inconsiderate. My sil is like yours - any plans I make I need to make them, as she will never prioritise either me or my family if left to her devices. It’s especially worse because DNs love me but are autistic and she lies to them that I don’t want to see them — I often get awful phonecalls from them begging to see me or DS or DSD.

I'd be disappointed too OP, especially about your DC not being included in the wedding. Maybe they're not having any bridesmaids/ flowers girls? But if it is one of those big traditional type of weddings, I'd be really disappointed with my DB for not wanting to include his nieces on his big day.

First time I hear it is etiquette to invite your SIL on to the hen do automatically…

YANBU and it’s happened to me, very similar circumstances but I decided that my brother is way too important to me to do anything other than feel a bit quietly sad and get over it. I don’t mean that nastily! It’s okay to feel a bit sad not to be included in any way. But also, try to remember that your sibling and their happiness is the priority.

It’s pretty common to invite mum and mil and sils to hen dos where I am. Haven’t been to one without that. Didn’t realise that made us mad and badshit crazy etc. If you’ve just experienced that I can see why you’d think you’d been snubbed but as you can see from others here it’s not common around the country.

Leave it alone.

If I or my parents didn't arrange things with my sister, we'd never see her. It's not malicious, she just exists in her own bubble and doesn't think to ask other people to do stuff.

She loves getting together. Just doesn't occur to her to organise.

Maybe OP still wants a relationship with her own brother despite your best efforts to persuade her not to have one.

You made a point. Now leave her be.

I see a hen party as a farewell from friends, marking the end of single life. My hen was me and my two best friends. It didn’t occur to me to invite my mum and sisters, let alone my MIL and SIL. Equally, I wasn’t invited to the hen parties of my brother’s wife, or my husband’s sister. I’m very close to both of them, but we don’t have the same kind of relationship as we do with our mates.

I see hen do's as a day/night out with your closet friends and family. Having people there that you don't really know or like creates a weird vibe.

Just wow! Everyone is ploughing into the OP in a really horrible fashion.
I've been married 30+ years and I invited my SIL and my MIL to my hen do.
I'll admit mine was a sedate do with just a meal and drinks and none of the raucous behaviour of brides nowadays.
I also had all my friends and my mum there too
What's wrong with inviting family to be?
My SIL was also one of my bridesmaids!

I only see her once or twice a year but we are pretty close and message a lot!

I'm on your side OP!

It's rude yes... I see trouble ahead OP. so sorry you've been treated like this.

Her wedding, her choice.

As you say their wedding is not about you.

I forgive you for initially being offended as weddings and hen dos these days typically have a lot of people being involved in the hen / bridal party and SIL would automatically assume to be involved - so I get why it would seem odd.

I think before the wedding industry took over weddings, hen dos and bridesmaids were those very close to the bride?

So if you’re not super close possibly she’s keeping the wedding quite traditional / basic?

Having read your updates, maybe they’re taking a more hands off approach to IL relationships than you.

or might not be that bothered in maintaining the relationship outside of surface level comms on bday and Christmas

i do get your feeling in the hen do, most people I know might not necessarily invite but would ask their brother to check in SIL wanted to be invited or not.

i wouldn’t get bogged down in the politics of it right now as weddings can be very fraught with family emotions.

I won't stop arranging to meet up with my brother and his future-wife

Why go to the expense of travel costs and hotel costs to see people who make zero effort with you?

You'd be better off spending that money on your own family.

Your SiL to be will be taking her lead in terms of contact with you from your brother. You said you didn't see him much before they got together so why would you expect it to change? It's not the woman's job to initiate or facilitate his visits with his family. So it's him not extending you the invitation to come and see them, nothing to do with her. If you want a closer relationship with her you need to work on the one with your brother too. Though sounds as if he's happy enough as it is.

I didn't have a hen party (they weren't very common in my social circle) but if I had it wouldn't have occurred to me to invite MiL or the 2 new SiL's. I don't think I've ever been to a full on hen party that worked like that. In fact my mother & siblings only met all my new in-laws the day of the wedding as my family lived 7-9+ hours drive away and there was never any reason they might have met before.

Wouldn't have invited MIL or SIL to my hen if you paid me.

In all honesty it doesn't sound like you have a huge amount to do with your future SIL if you only see each other a couple of times a year.

Yes, it may be customary to invite the groom's family to the hen do (heck, my now SIL actually organised mine!), but if they don't know you particularly well, then I can understand why they wouldn't invite you.

Better to not be invited, than go and either you feel awkward because you don't know anyone, or her to feel awkward because she feels like she has to spend time with you, rather than her friends, because she knows you don't know anyone IYSWIM. It's her wedding and her hen do.

If you had said you were really close and see each other regularly, I'd say YANBU, but on the basis that you're not, I don't think she's done anything wrong.

The same goes for bridal party inclusion of your DC.

YABU to be pissed of at SIL-to-be

It sounds like your brother isn't that interested in having a relationship with you for whatever reason so I think it is unreasonable to expect a marriage to magically fix that. Not all sibling are close as adults and it doesn't sound like you are at all. If you care that much try talking to your brother and seeing why.

My SIL isn't coming to my hen and recently had a bit of a hissy fit and decided whe wasn't coming to our wedding. It made me have even less respect for her that she would upset her brother because we aren't close and I am only having close friends at my hen. My own mum isn't even coming.

This with bells on.