To be annoyed at SIL-to-be?

YABU. I think it is CF to be resentful that your children won't be pages/flowergirls, and I have never heard of this 'rule' that the hen's inlaws have to be invited. If they are close, fine, but otherwise not. I vote that you are looking for offense, and if you continue down this road then you will sour your relationship with your brother. Don't be that person.

I have only been to two hen dos in the UK that weren’t entirely friends of the bride. Some times groom’s sisters have been there but only because they were already good friends with the bride.

I don’t think your expectation to be invited as the groom’s sister is as widely accepted a norm as you do. You’re setting yourself up for a poor relationship with her if you take offence at this. Surely now we’re in the 2020s your DB can have female members on his side of the wedding party if you really want to be included in the wedding? One of your kids could be ring bearer?

Since you don’t see each other that often, if you want to get to know her your DB can arrange a few get togethers. But given how often you see your brother it doesn’t sound like you’re ever likely to be close to his wife. Do you really need forced intimacy rather than just being friendly and welcoming the few times a year that you will see each other?

I mean it did do a trick I hadn’t even thought of because she’s such a snoop.

I hadn’t even thought she would open anything in there she was just carrying stuff upstairs as I was like 8 months pregnant.

Still makes me giggle now tho. Crack jokes to dh about leaving dildos out 😂

This! And I have never been to a hen do where in laws were invited either - and I have been to a LOT of hen dos.

Wonder if this is a regional custom thing?

Initially I thought you were talking about outfits and toys for the baby... then realised!

Ha, your mother-in-law won't be unpacking anything of yours ever again, will she? Result!

To me, bridesmaids etc are the brides choice, from her own friends and family, and her hen night is also with her own friends and family. Is your brother inviting her Dad to his stag do, and choosing his best man from her family? It's not about you.

Flash backs to my mil insisting on helping unpack boxes in our bedroom when we moved and I was pregnant. Promptly finding out all the outfits and toys 😂 she ran out there fast looking at the floor.

I mumbled something to my mum about shouldn’t be going though boxes/suitcases in a couple bedroom and laughed.

Mil stuck to unpacking the kitchen after that

Blimey, I didn’t even consider inviting my in laws. Didn’t even know that was a thing, It wasn’t a slur on them.

Same! Nor did I go to hers. Didn't think it was rude. We invited our friends. I value her as much as the next person but not in any particular way just because I married her brother. It's pointless taking offence where none was intended. Let her enjoy her hen night and go to a spa with your own friends.

You're not explaining. You're hammering home a fact that OP has already acknowledged in what seems like a vindictive manner.

You responded to OP saying she will continue to organise get togethers with her family. Not to anything about her SIL. Her SIL may not want a relationship. But if OP wants one with her brother she can maintain it.

I think it’s strange and poor form on your SIL to be’s part @CableCar. Myself and my Mum were invited to the Hen dos for both of my DBs future wives when they were getting married.

For mine in 2019, I got married abroad with only a small number of immediate family and best friends, which meant we had a hen do meal in Rhodes a few days before the wedding. This included my Mum, the gfs of both of my DH’s half brothers and his Dad’s gf. His Mum (my MIL) would have been there too, but was sadly too poorly to travel after a stem cell transplant.

In order to accommodate a few friendship groups and their availability (and honestly not at my insistence), I also had two UK dos - one a meal and drinks in Manchester which included an invite to DM, MIL (DM didn’t make it as she “didn’t want to cramp our style 😂” and given her health issues MIL was definitely not able to make it but it was still important to me that she knew she was being considered), my SILs from my DBs and gfs of my DHs 2 half bros (sadly the latter two couldn’t make it). We also had a local meal for a small group who weren’t available for the Manchester do but really wanted the opportunity to do something to celebrate with me.

For a spa day, I would definitely have expected an invite for you and your Mum - it’s not like there’ll be jelly shots, penis straws and a stripper.

Yes it’s your SIL’s wedding and her hen do so ultimately her choice as to who is included and how she does it, but surely if there’s no previous issues with relationships, you want to embrace the fact you’re bringing two families together. It’s sad, but I think nowadays too many people are so focused on the wedding, they forget there is (hopefully) a lifetime of a marriage that follows…..

I think yabu.

I wouldn't have expected your DC to be bridesmaids as bridesmaids are usually from the bride's side.

Same for the hen.

OP... Previous poster made an EXCELLENT point about your sister in law probably making and enjoying jokes about your brother (her husband to be's) PENIS. Absolutely neither you nor your mother would want to hear these, would you?

It's a different relationship entirely - friend and sister/mother in law - they are not comparable, not unless the friendship existed before the in-law bit.

Why would she invite you to her hen? You barely have a relationship with your own brother and zero relationship with her.

If you only see your DB a couple of times a year I can see why she didn't invite you to her hen party.m But that doesn't mean I agree with her decision. But you wouldn't kñow anybody. Maybe she just thought you wouldn't want to come. Flower girls and bridesmaids more often come from the bride's side of the family. I don't think it would be wise to make an issue of this.

I’m sure it happens if they are close. My friend has brought her cousin along to nights out in the past but they are close. It doesn’t sound as if the OP is remotely close to FSIL

Enjoy the wedding op. I think each wedding and hen do is different, some want a big do including in laws, others want it to be more intimate. Think of the hen as being her way of saying goodbye to her old life before joining your family. Don't be offended about your little ones not being part of the bridal party, and remember that your side is on the groom's. There is a lot of pressure for the bride to have the responsibility being inclusive with sils, mils etc on the hen do, where as the groom gets to get pissed with the boys, and for the bride of taking on the little ones from both sides of the family as "attendants" on the actual day, whereas the groom gets to rock up with his friends.

I can see both sides of this. My MIL to be is desperate for me to ask DP’s niece to be a bridesmaid but I’ve only met her a handful of times and I really just want my daughter and my two nieces plus a friend or two which is already a lot. DP said that’s absolutely fine but I know his mum will lose her shit. I think people should be able to do what they like…

The hen do should be a relaxed event with her closest friends.

it would be odd if you weren’t invited to an engagement party or a bridal shower. Those events don’t always happen, but if they do, they are a bit more formal and the invites are wider.

why don’t you and your mother invite her to a nice lunch. Have your own little celebration with her to welcome her to the family.

I don't think that's necessarily a problem. My friend invited her SIL (fiance's brother's wife) to her hen do (a meal and show) and her SIL didn't know anyone. She was very welcoming and made an effort to get to know everyone. Everyone loved her.

Sounds like OP would make an effort to get to know everyone too.

I never thought of inviting my MIL or SIL to my hen do but then I didn’t invite any of my family either - it was just mates.

I didn't even consider asking my MIL, SIL or adult nieces to my hen do and we managed to not fall out over it! Why would I? A hen do is for the bride's close circle and my then fiancée's family didn't & still don't come under this category however fond I am of them all.

You only see your brother twice a year but want to go on his fiancée’s hen do? Would you even know anyone?
I couldn’t imagine anything worse….