To ask when you knew you had to split

You should never ever be made to feel like that. He is abusive. If he has made you feel that way plus you said you do feel scared of him. You can't live like that. There is nothing positive about the relationship. Your worth so much more . Get rid of him. Life will be much better and you will feel better in yourself.

Can you get someone to come round to support you?

@WishIwasmumsy
Tell him to leave now.

He's torturing you sending you nonsense.

It's not you OP. I know that feeling. I still feel guilty about stuff even though I know it's him not me. You are a strong woman who can do this. Life will be better without the constant stress of trying to work out his mood.

He might not be beating you up, but it's still a form of abuse.

It's also amazing how every time he has popped down (not since Tuesday) he has needed to have a pee. He's still like a fucking dog needing to mark his territory!

Op, do you feel you are safe? Some of his behaviour is really concerning but obvs none if us are in your situation or know him.

Yep, totally agree. To be fair it was the day he got the keys and he just wanted to go in and clean and by this point I just wanted him gone so if lending him stuff hastened that process then all good.

Clearly we have magic self cleaning floors in my house.

He actually wanted to gradually move in over a two week period despite the fact it was now effectively and legally my house that I now had to pay a mortgage on.

He's been away since Monday but still has stuff to collect and according to DS (who went up to help him build a wardrobe yesterday) he's coming today to collect it.

He's bemused about how long it takes to sort stuff like insurance etc and did admit he regrets bowing out of doing that stuff as now he's 60 and doesn't know how to do it anymore. But again, that's all about him and not an apology for leaving it all to me previously.

I'm loving him not being here, kitchen is how I left it the night before etc and it's so lovely and peaceful.

I just allowed myself to get sucked into doing it all. We used to have arguments and I would say I felt like a single parent but I think for a long time it had eaten at my self esteem and lost myself in the busyness and let it all lie.

I absolutely agree!

The videos would make me want to leave him even more!

As an illustration, he asked whether we had a mop and bucket he could borrow to do the floors in his new place. Should he not know and also know where it's kept? It's a spray mop and I had to show him how it works. I mean we've only lived in this house for 20 years, why should he know? @BigBoysDontCry

No criticism or rudeness intended @BigBoysDontCry but when I read that part of your post I thought, that’s ridiculous- why didn’t she tell him to go and buy his own because he is going to need to wash floors regularly at his new home.

I think I know why and if I’m right this is something to bear in mind. The longer you stay with men like this the more of their selfish nonsense becomes normal to you. Small things are normalised and are replaced by bigger things until they are accepted and so it goes on.

OP just tell him to go and live his single life in a home of his own.

Wtf?

It is revolting. You are entirely correct. He's shown you who he is, believe him.

Ah yes, sex as a bargaining tool and sulking when it doesn't happen. Mine is choosing to believe that it's completely down to me being abused as a child that is causing this issue. It's not.

He says that shouldn't stop me being affectionate and enjoying a cuddle. It doesn't.

The problem is that I resent and dislike him leaving everything to me and a cuddle is never just a cuddle, it always leads to sex and it's okay as a woman in her 50s to just not always feel like it.

I ended up blowing up at him one day, while seperated but still living together, for leaving shit stains in the toilet. I reminded him that it wasn't my job to clean up after his shit when we were together and it certainly wasn't my job when we were separated.

OP, you don’t need permission or anyone to understand. You have one single life in this world and you deserve to spend it being happy. It sounds as though you have tried harder than most. I’d make a plan to move on with your life and choose happy.

Resentment has set in, you need to end it. Write down all the things he does/doesn’t do, so you can read it every time you have a wobble and think about having him back. Don’t have him back, move forward into your new life.

It took me more than 20 years to wake up and deal with this OP.

In the end the resentment about all the small stuff killed it. He wasn't quite as lazy as your guy (cleared up after dinner but never properly) and didn't go out as much. But in the end, I was the biggest contributor by far financially, in the housework, with DC etc etc. Whilst he hogged more of the resources, taking over the living room, leaving all his stuff out etc.

And yet it was him suggesting that I needed to see a counsellor because I wasn't affectionate enough to him and didn't want sex.

I wish I'd done this years ago. He moved out last week, coming back today to hopefully get the last of his stuff. I've bought him out, DC are young adults who still need supported financially, I now have the chores he did added to mine (not much) and the thing I'm most pleased about is that he'll have to think about what to have for his dinner from now on instead of me doing the thinking, shopping and cooking. I mean I'll still be doing that but at least he will too.

As an illustration, he asked whether we had a mop and bucket he could borrow to do the floors in his new place. Should he not know and also know where it's kept? It's a spray mop and I had to show him how it works. I mean we've only lived in this house for 20 years, why should he know?

Kick him out and be happier.