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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask when you knew you had to split

164 replies

WishIwasmumsy · 21/06/2024 14:11

I had my husband back after a trial separation, we told the kids he was looking after grandparents house so never actually told them we were splitting. Since having him back I am regretting my decision, nothing has changed. He is still so lazy and goes out all the time. Last week he went to 2 gigs and was rough the following days and tonight he has just asked if he can go to one as he has been offered tickets. This will mean he will not come home from work, I think this time I am even more unhappy than last time. We don't talk anymore, I just go to bed as I am tired or just avoiding him. Our kids ae 6 and 3 and I just want what is best for them.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 23/06/2024 10:53

If he is now online posting then perhaps you need to log off .and sort it out once and for all.

Mrsjayy · 23/06/2024 10:47

WishIwasmumsy · 23/06/2024 07:17

He was so horrible to me yesterday, I just ended up crying. His excuse was I do not give him what he wants (sex), it has been 4 days!. He keeps sending me videos of what happens to men when they are deprived of sex.

Show quote history

Oh that's horrific he probably thought the trial seperating was a holiday and he had a "sex drought". Nobody is entitled to sex not 1 person doesn't matter if you are married, sending videos is abuse he had learned nothing.

GabriellaMontez · 23/06/2024 10:29

He shouts in your face, shoves, elbows and sends you grotty videos...

How are you not wanting sex with this man?

OP posts:
Sprogonthetyne · 23/06/2024 10:27

WishIwasmumsy · 23/06/2024 09:50

He has just seen that I have put a post on mumsnet and he is creating one himself. He will not tell me his name, but this is what he is sat there doing apparently

That's me spending the rest of the day looking for;

AUBU for coercing my partner into sex

Why shouldn't my partner can raise the kids while I drink and go to gigs?

My relationship is braking down, will this improve if I change nothing and continue as I am?

Please someone post a link if you spot it

tukker · 23/06/2024 10:24

My exh was never fully invested in family life but I couldn't see it, I just brushed it off and put it down to his personality. We were together 15 yrs and I always ended up taking charge because I couldn't trust him to do anything. Picking up the kids he was late, for instance, parents evening he was late etc etc. It pissed me off because as soon as his mates called he was off or prioritising football you name it. At his sisters wedding he didn't even buy me a drink or dance with me, at his best mates wedding I hardly saw him after I did all the running around for them. It was my fault I had no boundaries but I had had enough.
I moved out and put the house on the market. He was shocked! Of course he was, his chief arsewiper was leaving him. This was 10 yrs ago. He's now getting remarried and has a son. I don't think about him and his daughter sees him in her own light. It was hard in the beginning but maybe we are all happier now. I'm not perfect but it wasn't the teamwork it should have been.

gardenmusic · 23/06/2024 10:23

Taupe Stork is obviously in a awful marriage.
Poor put upon man.
I think he should leave immediately. Get his wife to pack a bag, so that he does not forget anything and need to come back, and get the hell out of there.
Run, Taupe Stork, run, and don't go back.

Original poster
WishIwasmumsy · 23/06/2024 10:11

YourTaupeStork · Today 09:57
Hi
So I'm here maybe controversially, my partner is on here and swears by pretty much anything she reads on here so I'm here for support and to hopefully share my pov and if I get the answers she needs as I'm struggling to explain my point. I dont want it to be biased so im going to stick to facts.

  • We have 2 children (3 and 6)
  • I work Mon-Fri 8-6 (this includes having to be at work for 8 and I leave at 6)
  • She works Sun-Tue from home 7.30-4 on a Sunday and 9-5.30 Mon/Tue
  • I play sport and attend once a week (sometimes not at all) this is at 9.30pm for an hour
  • I hold a season ticket to sport and attend around 70% of games a season. This would be on a Saturday usually as I cannot attend on Sundays as she works and this is during the season timings of September - April.
  • I go out once a week with a friend for an hour and bring home a takeaway
  • I struggle with tiredness which is currently being looked into at the doctors
  • I fund all household Bills
  • I take the children to school/Nursery on a Monday and Tuesday
  • I pick one child up from School/Nursery on a Monday and Tuesday in order to support as after school clubs end at 5.30/6pm
  • I start work late on Monday and Tuesday and Finish work early to support with the above
  • Wed/Thur/Fri School and Nursery runs are done by my Partner as She is off work
  • I finish work early on a Friday in order to take my daughter to Basketball club (this differs and has been other clubs on other days but this is the current one)
  • On Wed and Thur sometimes I have to work late but I cannot pre-emt this to advise , I already feel I take enough liberties at work on other days so I feel it's not a big ask from work if sometimes i over run. I do say sometimes but this probably happens more often than not, so probably most times. However there are also other times I finish early on these days too.
  • I put the kids to bed/do bedtime every night apart from Thursday
  • The house is never tidy
  • I tidy up around the house sporadically, so it's not an everyday thing but I will actively tidy up when things are getting too on top and this is usually late evenings.
  • I go out with either my friends or work friends roughly once a month maybe 10 times a year (this is usually a full day out and not just an evening or night thing)
  • She does the washing and prepares kids clothes and uniform
  • She is usually in bed at 8pm
  • She will be drunk daily through the week after having at least a bottle of wine a night because this is what the day with the kids drives her to do
  • Sunday is a day for me and the kids and we go out for the day every week as she works from home
  • She rarely goes out with friends although this is encouraged by me, this only happens maybe 3 times a year

Everything above is right now as It has been a struggle for a while so here is what I've changed and how things used to be;

  • Used to train twice a week for my sport which is now once a week
  • Used to attend all season ticket games which I have cut down and also take a child along with me from time to time
  • Never did any school runs
  • Worked late most nights
  • This meant I couldnt always support with bedtime

I took on board that she was overran with the kids and home life and needed to change things which I have, however these are the problems raised

  • I dont help round the house
  • I am never around
  • I am a sh*t dad
  • I always work late
  • All I care about is my job
  • I never help with washing
  • We only have sex once a month(if that) and that's usually only ever a "quickie"
  • All I care about is sex
  • I have been told to stop touching and being affectionate toward her (which I have)
  • Who gets the clothes ready (not me)

I have tried to make this as factual as possible whilst relaying some of my own opinions in parts, however I want the responses (if there is any to be honest and from their opinion) I sometimes feel the past (because it admittedly has been worse) accounts for too much of her opinions or frustrations.

I want to know others points of view so that maybe this can form a basis of how I can approach it with her as I currently am struggling to be able to put my own points across, or maybe I am wrong and I need to change more. I love this woman but feel it's at a point where i am resigned to the relationship failing because i feel i have put a lot of effort in to change things to make it better but not getting anything in return.

I know this has been long but thanks for your time

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 23/06/2024 10:10

He sent you videos? Omg. He's repulsive and aggressive.

Of course, none of us are perfect. I bet you're annoying sometimes. But this man is repulsive. Your description of him makes my skin crawl.

Blocking your way... then elbowing like a petulant toddler. Get away from this loser.

Original poster
WishIwasmumsy · 23/06/2024 10:10

I have found it

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 23/06/2024 10:09

Let’s wait for his thread as he will be destroyed

gardenmusic · 23/06/2024 10:08

Time for you to change your passwords.
Having gone, and come back, he is not going to want to go again - he knows where he is well off.
I think you will feel massive relief if you can get rid of him again.
What is your living set up? Can you get rid, if you wish?

SunTanningToday · 23/06/2024 10:07

His own thread? He’s about to walk into some very experienced posters who won’t take his shit.

Original poster
WishIwasmumsy · 23/06/2024 10:06

I am on my laptop

OP posts:
crochetandshit · 23/06/2024 10:05

WishIwasmumsy · 23/06/2024 09:50

He has just seen that I have put a post on mumsnet and he is creating one himself. He will not tell me his name, but this is what he is sat there doing apparently

How has he seen your post? Does he monitor your phone or something?

myonlinelife86 · 23/06/2024 10:00

We aren't married.... but I knew I had to end it when I had to eat two dinners because I lied to be away from him.
I went into town with friends and had some food with them I lied and told him I wasn't going because I honestly wanted a break from him. Then he called and told he was headed to the bar to so I had to lie and say I had also just arrived to see a couple of friends also.
He said we should have dinner.... so I had to stay and eat another meal! The waitress was looking at me like I was insane .......
Ended it about a week later and yes I told him haha

YourWildAmberSloth · 23/06/2024 09:53

WishIwasmumsy · 23/06/2024 09:50

He has just seen that I have put a post on mumsnet and he is creating one himself. He will not tell me his name, but this is what he is sat there doing apparently

Good, we'll be ready for him!!

YourWildAmberSloth · 23/06/2024 09:50

When I gave him a second chance, after months of him pleading and promising to change. I took him back and everything went straight back to crap. There was no honeymoon period or him being on his best behaviour for while, nothing. He was back to the same B/S within a week. I realised then that he had so little respect for me and our son that he couldn't even be bothered to pretend that he was going to change. I got rid and there was no third chance, even though he tried.

Original poster
WishIwasmumsy · 23/06/2024 09:50

He has just seen that I have put a post on mumsnet and he is creating one himself. He will not tell me his name, but this is what he is sat there doing apparently

OP posts:
Didimum · 23/06/2024 09:47

He keeps sending me videos of what happens to men when they are deprived of sex.

What the shit did I just read?

Lurkingandlearning · 23/06/2024 09:42

WishIwasmumsy · 23/06/2024 09:17

He is just a dick, He was sat at the top of the stairs with his head in his arms because apparently I will not listen, I tried to get past him and he said I shoved him out the way and shouted at me, I didnt. I dont want to be forced to have sex with somebody, all the videos he is showing, the woman is rolling over and accepting being the one that is in the wrong. I really do not think I am wrong

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I don’t think you’re wrong at all!

BigBoysDontCry · 23/06/2024 09:42

To be honest, in the long run it will be better for him too if you split properly. You can't give him what he wants and you shouldn't feel guilty about that. What he wants isn't reasonable and not up to you to provide.

It's meant to be a partnership not a dictatorship.

Ex said to me that we used to work well together and that we should have been able to make it work. I agree but it takes 2 to tango and I take the blame for allowing him to get away with things and then feeling resentment.

AuntMarch · 23/06/2024 09:40

You are miserable with him. You can be happy without him. Even if it were your fault (it isn't), you're allowed to end it.

Original poster
WishIwasmumsy · 23/06/2024 09:40

trythisforsize · 23/06/2024 09:38

he elbowed my leg and it hurt

He has hurt you. I too used to minimalise these small hurts. But they build, slowly and insiduously.

It's time to look after yourself and your children OP

Show quote history

I do question myself because I have always been the one to be goby and voice my opinion. I suppose in the beginning he was so quiet and timid and literally did everything for me. What has changed? what if it is all down to me?

OP posts:
trythisforsize · 23/06/2024 09:38

WishIwasmumsy · 23/06/2024 09:31

I do feel scared of him and like he could turn, he has never hurt me but as I tried to get past he elbowed my leg and it hurt. I just dont know, he has to be right all the time.

Show quote history

he elbowed my leg and it hurt

He has hurt you. I too used to minimalise these small hurts. But they build, slowly and insiduously.

It's time to look after yourself and your children OP