To ask when you knew you had to split

Are you genuinely suggesting this is funny? I'm expressing concern for you and for your children. You seem to the only one on the thread who isn't worried.

Have a think about how he makes you feel OP, you said you are scared of him but not physically so you are scared of what he is saying to you and how he acts towards you etc. He criticises your parenting in front of the children. You are drinki8ng to shut out how unhappy he makes you feel.

Does that sound like someone who loves you and has your best interests at heart?

Does he support you and have your back or does he say things that make you feel bad about yourself?

It is so clear to most of us here but fair enough you're in the weeds...so think of it this way. Does it matter if he's abusive? Happy people don't have substance misuse problems and certainly not around small children. This marriage doesn't work for you and you're way of coping doesn't either.

I think the opposite actually.

I think occasionally lashing out in a temper or whatever is probably pretty normal as long as genuine apologies and contrition and forgiveness can happen.

Regular abuse of this type tends to creep up on you as it starts with just small things and then they start to become more frequent and more negative but by that point you have probably lost a lot of your self esteem and self worth. When one person holds power over the other by manipulation and persuasion and just general put downs, it's no longer a partnership and it's abusive.

We eventually split up over a cumulation of a few big blowout on top of the regular stuff. Ex believes he's a good person and feels that me telling him he is abusive is completely wrong and insinuated that since I experienced child SA, it's a bit much to be accusing him. He thinks I'm off my head. I'm not but I don't care because in the end he's gone.

The final straw for me was being woken up at 4 in the morning and being accussed of destroying/hiding something of his even though to this day I have no clue what he is talking about. I was told I was nasty and vindictive. He then offered to go to couples therapy. I told him to fuck off. At thus point I was having some health issues and he knew I was struggling to sleep but still chose to wake me up.

I put a note of what he said to me in my phone so whenever I relented or felt sorry for him I'd look at it and remind me. He has also said horrible things about our DC to me (mainly because I'm a shite parent apparently 🙄) it's hard as I can never tell them as they are allowed to love him and believe that they are loved. To be fair I think he does love them but he has no proper relationship with them. His loss.

Treat it as "this to shall pass" and start making that happen.

Life is too short to be miserable OP, I let my situation linger on for far too many years.

When I got tired of the contempt he displayed toward me, and he was regularly emotionally abusive to me in front of the DC.

I didn't want my DC (boy and girl) growing up learning that as an example of how men should treat women.

So I left him. Biggest shock of his life as he never ever thought I would do it. And I know it burns him that I'm doing even better now than I was when we were together, and I was doing pretty well then too.

He's trying to coerce you into sex (which is rape if he succeeds). He's manipulating you and trying to emotionally blackmail you. Classic abuser behaviour, including all the barely veiled suicide threats. Get rid of him immediately, he's foul.

Can you forget the "whose fault is it we're in this situation" scale? It doesn't matter at all. The only thing that matters is no one is happy and you both cope with it in in unhealthy and potentially abusive ways.

What can be done now?

He doesn't want to change. He won't. He is arguing with you to weaken your resolve and to fuck with your head. Stop engaging and listening. You know it isn't working. You must know that nobody wants sex with a lazy twat, and it doesn't matter what he does or doesn't think about you (or pretend to think).

Bah.
All these tossers are the same - hate accepting/ admitting they're abusive.

Ignore him. And make plans to end things. You deserve so much better and so do your children.

Stop worrying about what is going on in his stupid head and think about what you are going to do.

Did he make broken promises before he left ?

You could use the time to pack his case and leave it on the door step.

I hope one day you get the courage to kick him out for good.

You’re joking?

He’s awful. I’m really sorry for you, OP. You sound so resigned.

If he doesn't want to sound abusive then don't BE abusive.

The fact there are worse men is a shitty argument. Doesn't make him prince fucking charming. Just makes him another abusive controlling dick.

You don't have to stay of MN if you don't want to. You can easy change names to . You can even use it Just a bit of company if you wanted to. . Obviously your choice though . Just make sure its your choice though and no one else's . 💐