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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to wonder if a high ponytail sends a message I'm unaware of?

357 replies

AuntieWithAttitude · 21/06/2024 12:19

I was watching a friend's kid after school and told her about a summer camp where I used to work. We often helped the kids put their hair in 'camper buns'—a messy bun right on top of their heads. She asked me to do it for her, but didn't like it, so we ended up with a super high ponytail instead. She loved it and had fun swishing it around.

When her mum saw it, she commented on how high it was and then lowered it.
I didn't really think too much of it, until today on TV a character wore a high ponytail, and other characters remarked on how high it was, saying things like 'erm, are you sure you want to wear your hair like that?'.

Am I missing something about the significance of high ponytails? I can be bad at this stuff, subtle cues and such, I'm wondering if I've caused offence to my friend somehow. She seemed really weird about it. Don't want to make the same mistake again if I've misunderstood the significance of something.

OP posts:
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CruCru · 23/06/2024 18:44

Maternityleavelady · 22/06/2024 20:25

At my daughter’s (private) school, hair must be worn up but below the height of their ears 🙄 Makes it quite difficult to get young girls’ hair off their face - I have to use multiple clips to compensate for the low ponytail!

Perhaps they are less likely to fiddle with a low ponytail? The problem with a high one is that the hair at the back keeps coming loose, unless it is very tight or a lot of hairspray is used.

ISeriouslyDoubtIt · 23/06/2024 17:05

CyanideShake · 23/06/2024 15:21

top tip - maybe stop throwing the word 'chav' around so freely if you're concerned about how your behaviour comes across or impacts others.

Which word would you prefer to use instead to describe the particular demographic that can instantly be identified by the word "chav"?

Itiswhysofew · 23/06/2024 16:40

I thought the Croydon face-lift was down to Kate Moss😅

When I was young, many moons ago, girls with low ponytails were seen more amongst the so-called middle class & private school pupils. I remember that very clearly.

Calliopespa · 23/06/2024 16:39

pollymere · 23/06/2024 16:30

No...draw a line from your chin to your crown - there's a sort of natural line through your cheek bones. It shouldn't be higher than that. It's sort of the top back of your skull. I didn't mean in line with your chin in a horizontal sense... Sorry 🤭

Ah I see! I thought you many horizontally at chin level and was thinking I was really ramping up the “ high factor!”

pollymere · 23/06/2024 16:30

Calliopespa · 23/06/2024 12:50

Oh? 😳

In line with your chin is really quite low. I’m ckearly more chav than I realised !
😱😲🧟‍♀️. 😂

I think middle of the back of the head is fine …

No...draw a line from your chin to your crown - there's a sort of natural line through your cheek bones. It shouldn't be higher than that. It's sort of the top back of your skull. I didn't mean in line with your chin in a horizontal sense... Sorry 🤭

Calliopespa · 23/06/2024 15:34

CyanideShake · 23/06/2024 15:21

top tip - maybe stop throwing the word 'chav' around so freely if you're concerned about how your behaviour comes across or impacts others.

It is topical to this thread. That’s what the hairstyle is viewed as.

CyanideShake · 23/06/2024 15:21

Calliopespa · 23/06/2024 15:16

Well that’s not a surprise because it’s a natural corollary of not being “desperate for approval,” as you put it ( aka not giving a toss about how your behaviour comes across or impacts others.)

top tip - maybe stop throwing the word 'chav' around so freely if you're concerned about how your behaviour comes across or impacts others.

Calliopespa · 23/06/2024 15:16

CyanideShake · 23/06/2024 15:10

I don't care?

Well that’s not a surprise because it’s a natural corollary of not being “desperate for approval,” as you put it ( aka not giving a toss about how your behaviour comes across or impacts others.)

CyanideShake · 23/06/2024 15:10

Calliopespa · 23/06/2024 08:49

To be honest, there are worse types in this world.

And shush is rude. Sorry if that code of conduct is too “ suburban” for you, but it is.

I don't care?

Calliopespa · 23/06/2024 15:08

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 23/06/2024 14:59

Not really directed at you, Caliopespa but your takeaway from this thread is that 'shush' is rude? I think it is dismissive but, on the grand scale of things, it's completely mild considering the vile assessments and horrible names being bandied about on this thread.

I go back to the OP; she's talking about a child... it's hard to believe that grown women, presumably mothers, are happy to cast real slurs are women for something as non-issue as a hairstyle, equating it with blow jobs/sex work at the like. Misogynistic doesn't even cover it.

I guess that if and when posters own daughters are ridiculed for some foible they make in their dress or bullied for having the wrong hair style they will be on their high horses right enough. Plus ca change...

I agree that none of it is right.

But op had asked - reasonably enough - if there was a reason why the mum might not have liked the style.It wouldn’t be fair not to explain if we happen to have an idea of what we think it is.

None of us on this thread can “ unhappen” stereotypes. Chav isn’t a nice concept but it is, at least, equally applicable to men. To that extent I think the misogynistic aspect is just because this happens to be a female hairstyle on this thread. The close shave and let us not forget ( how could we forget?) the mullet come in for equal criticism on a class based assessment.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 23/06/2024 14:59

Calliopespa · 23/06/2024 08:49

To be honest, there are worse types in this world.

And shush is rude. Sorry if that code of conduct is too “ suburban” for you, but it is.

Not really directed at you, Caliopespa but your takeaway from this thread is that 'shush' is rude? I think it is dismissive but, on the grand scale of things, it's completely mild considering the vile assessments and horrible names being bandied about on this thread.

I go back to the OP; she's talking about a child... it's hard to believe that grown women, presumably mothers, are happy to cast real slurs are women for something as non-issue as a hairstyle, equating it with blow jobs/sex work at the like. Misogynistic doesn't even cover it.

I guess that if and when posters own daughters are ridiculed for some foible they make in their dress or bullied for having the wrong hair style they will be on their high horses right enough. Plus ca change...

sidebirds · 23/06/2024 13:48

CyanideShake · 23/06/2024 03:24

846th mention of a croydon facelift.

😂😂😂

quantumbutterfly · 23/06/2024 13:17

Anyone remember the 'girls world' toy, that's about the placement I'm aiming for.

quantumbutterfly · 23/06/2024 13:14

I shall hoist my pony tail higher than a pair of mumsnet judgey pants and embrace my chavtasticity then, but not when I'm cleaning the cat's litter tray obviously.

Calliopespa · 23/06/2024 12:50

pollymere · 23/06/2024 11:19

The higher the ponytail, the more common you are when I grew up 😂

Oh and it was the fifteen year olds with boyfriends in their twenties who had them right on the top.

It is also quite bad for the head and hair. The highest it should go is in line with your chin.

Although I think your camper buns sound quite "common" too as it was the high-pony crew that had them... 😂

Oh? 😳

In line with your chin is really quite low. I’m ckearly more chav than I realised !
😱😲🧟‍♀️. 😂

I think middle of the back of the head is fine …

Danielle9891 · 23/06/2024 11:44

I've never heard of this. I've been wearing my hair in a high ponytail a lot lately as it's quick and easy to do and it stops my newborn from grabbing it.

Frequency · 23/06/2024 11:24

I've always wore my hair in a high ponytail to keep it off the back of my neck. The longer my hair is the higher the ponytail is.

As long as you don't pull them too tight you don't get headaches or traction alopecia.

I don't give a shit if people think I'm common. It's comfier than having sweaty, sticky hair stuck to the back of my neck all day.

pollymere · 23/06/2024 11:19

The higher the ponytail, the more common you are when I grew up 😂

Oh and it was the fifteen year olds with boyfriends in their twenties who had them right on the top.

It is also quite bad for the head and hair. The highest it should go is in line with your chin.

Although I think your camper buns sound quite "common" too as it was the high-pony crew that had them... 😂

speyside · 23/06/2024 10:52

what a load of b wear your hair how you like it discrimination about hair now - look at horse riders they wear pony tails - be yourself forget others opinions

sabbii · 23/06/2024 10:32

Aaahhh the pineapple, unfairly maligned by cruel comments.

Newsenmum · 23/06/2024 10:14

If it’s actually on top of the head then it looks ‘chavvy’. But tbh I think it’s cute on very little kids. It does have a ‘look’ which is different to just a high ponytail.

quantumbutterfly · 23/06/2024 10:11

Google is my friend.😁

AuntieWithAttitude · 23/06/2024 10:10

@quantumbutterfly my knowledge is a good 15 years out of date I'm afraid 😟

OP posts:
quantumbutterfly · 23/06/2024 10:00

Do you have any helpful links? I remember Camp America from my BUNAC days.
I also know of an American org. called 'up with people', but that's expensive...and a bit happy,clappy for him.

Calliopespa · 23/06/2024 09:48

AuntieWithAttitude · 23/06/2024 09:43

@quantumbutterfly I'd really recommend it! They have some in the UK too I think so don't necessarily need to go all the way to the states. I learned a lot about myself, made great friends some of whom I was in business with in later life. Still in touch with some of the campers even (thanks to the connectivity of the modern world!). People went back every summer for years. Was kind of a gentle intro to travelling, we met a group at the airport so flew over together, they told us the transfers/how to get to camp so we had a bit of adventure (rather than being picked up from the airport directly) then had one evening and one day off a week to explore which was lovely. Lots of people travelled afterwards with the people they met. For me it was a great experience.

It actually sounds perfect for an unhappy 18 year old bunny @quantumbutterfly .