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Original poster

Is there a polite way to never go to team socials?

110 replies

Cindyhadayellowcar · 21/06/2024 11:04

I work in a team of 5. I like them. Fine people to work with. I transferred to the team about six months ago, and have known my colleagues for about 5 years.

They all want to go out for a team meal. To be clear - not paid for by the company - just us lot going out for a jolly. Bit of team bonding etc.

I don't want to go. Not to this one, or to any team meal or jolly, ever.

I have been on one before, a few years ago when I was in a different team but working closely with a couple of people in this team - so I can't say I never go out. Plus, just from chatting at work they know I do have friends and socialise.

What I want is a perfectly polite and reasonable reason why I can't ever go out on team socials. An excuse why I can't make this one won't work because they'll either reschedule it or I'll have the same issue at the next one.

Shall I just pretend to go along with it and then be unwell on the night?

Or is it actually professionally necessary to occasionally grin and bear these things?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 21/06/2024 11:16

If you're determined not to see them outside work just tell them that you don't mix work and social events. They won't ask you again.

There isn't a particularly polite way of conveying that this is how you feel about it.

GrandHighPoohbah · 21/06/2024 11:15

Most people do need to invest a little bit in building social ties with work colleagues. It depends on your job, of course, but why not consider it rather like a task at work that you don't especially enjoy but is part of the role? No need to go every time, but I would make the effort to go once in a while.

Original poster
Cindyhadayellowcar · 21/06/2024 11:14

something2say · 21/06/2024 11:12

Go. You cant not. You'll lose more by not going than you'll gain by it. It will be a kick in the teeth. Go and leave 1/2hr after you've finished eating.

You're probably right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cindyhadayellowcar · 21/06/2024 11:13

Edit : The signal you are sending to them is that you don't like them enough to even bear one night out with them socially.

Yes, this is what I'm worried about. I don't want to offend or upset them. I was just rather optimistically wondering if there was a genius way of never going on them AND not appearing horribly antisocial.

OP posts:
something2say · 21/06/2024 11:12

Go. You cant not. You'll lose more by not going than you'll gain by it. It will be a kick in the teeth. Go and leave 1/2hr after you've finished eating.

TimeForMyMonthlyNameChange · 21/06/2024 11:09

‘I’ve got a lot going on so it’s hard for me to pinpoint a date. You all choose the best date for you and if I can make it I’ll come along’.

Rainbowshine · 21/06/2024 11:08

“It’s not really my thing, hope you have a good time”. Repeat when necessary.

GasPanic · 21/06/2024 11:06

Just say there is no "I" in team and don't go.

Don't be surprised if they spend the whole meeting talking about you behind your back though.

Sometimes you have to invest a bit of time doing stuff you don't want in order to make people easier to manage. I'm pretty sure you hand out stuff to people that they don't want to do a lot of the time as well.

Edit : The signal you are sending to them is that you don't like them enough to even bear one night out with them socially.

Original poster
Cindyhadayellowcar · 21/06/2024 11:06

Teamarugula · 21/06/2024 11:05

Is it after work? If so just say you have caring responsibilities

They know that's not true. We chat enough at work for them to know stuff like that.

OP posts:
Teamarugula · 21/06/2024 11:05

Is it after work? If so just say you have caring responsibilities