Is there a polite way to never go to team socials?

Look at all the posters asking why you don’t want to go though

It is easier to help someone make an excuse if you know their reason for not wanting to go. That was a long time coming from the OP.

As I soon as I read this OP, I wanted to ask if you thought you might be neurodivergent! I just saw your update.

Don’t go. You’ll be giving up energy that you don’t have, to people who will have no idea what it has actually taken from you, just because you are worried about being liked.

You don’t deserve to be put through that, and if your colleagues had any idea about it would feel like for you then, if they are decent people, I am sure that they wouldn’t want you to go through it either.

Look at all the posters asking why you don’t want to go though! Because neurotypical people are seeing the whole world through their lens. If you were in an office full of autistic people then you wouldn’t have to put up with any of this nonsense: you could just do your work and go home.

I once worked somewhere where it was expected that I would go rock climbing with colleagues at weekends 😂 and hang around in a canteen area and socialise with them at lunchtime. Insane.

For me it would depend how far you had to travel home after the team event. I used to commute into central London with a 90 minute journey each way. Factor that into an evening out plus the perils of public transport late at night, possibly a taxi as well if really late at night. I very rarely attended after hours events and as far as I know people understood and didn’t mind. When I did go along I did enjoy myself however.

Looking at it a different way if they socialise anyway this might be a special effort to include you. I think you need to go too. I think you did its a small team. Try and relax.

I blame my children. I don't care to spend time with the wider team outside of work. There's a select few I'd rather see privately.

I hope you don't find it too exhausting. Hopefully the fact that you do at least like them will help a bit.

Just tell them that you really enjoy working with them but team nights aren't your thing and you hope they all have a great time. Why anyone would be offended is beyond me, not everyone wants to bond with their colleagues outside of work nor should you be expected to. If you're friendly in work I can't see it being an issue.

Why are you so dramatically opposed to having the odd night out with them?

"Not my thing but I hope that you have a great time"

or not

I know 2 people at work who don’t “do” social events and it’s completely fine, we joke about it. Don’t lie or make excuses, simply say thanks but not for me and leave it there. Let them speculate, who cares as long as you are decent at work.

Why not just go out with them?

Dont go as it often edns in tears
i was branded "anti-social for not going out on after work, the whole team events - could I give a flying f - well it hurt initially but I had my 2/3 close buddies - and guess what, even they stopped going as too much 2bitiching going on" and people fell out, ie those that could not handle their drink!!

You are good staying out of that!!

We get a budget for socials and it’s like pulling teeth to get people to come out for a free lunch during working hours never mind doing something in the evening for an hour (escape room type stuff). Beyond tedious. Because the budget is for team stuff it makes it really hard to justify spending it when a couple of individuals will not come and do anything anyone suggests. I can’t say they add anything to the socials other than their presence but still they are part of the team. I’m sure you’re lovely op but if there is someone like me on your team that just wants to use the money we have on a nice lunch maybe just grit your teeth and come with us 😁

I'm so glad I don't work where half the people on mumsnet work, it would be a very dull working environment.

Team bonding helps teams work together, it adds cohesion. It helps people get to know who they're working with on a more personal level. I have a great relationship with my colleagues, because we've got to know each other when we aren't sat trying to work.

I've worked in places where no one did anything together, I've worked in places where people do stuff together. I know which I prefer and which is a nicer place to work, and which has better team cohesion.

I agree. If it's seen to be that important that people have to socialise- events should be done in working time.

Work shouldn't monopolise free time. And people shouldn't be disadvantaged at work just because they don't socialise out with work

I like my colleagues and enjoy socialising with them sometimes. I would extend the invite wide enough so not to exclude people, but would hate to think someone was having this dilemma of not wanting to go but feeling like they should.

Why should we not accept someone politely declining invitations, just because we work with them?

OP I honestly wouldn't think any less of you but it's evident that there are people who might, so you do have a decision to make regarding how you want to handle this. Is there someone you're closer to in the team that you could have a quiet word with and try to gauge what the feelings towards you not going on team socials would be?

Say that money’s tight at the moment and you are trying not to eat out/spend it on drinks

I also like this idea.

Team lunches are reasonable. Evening meals are not. My free time is extremely valuable to me.

WTF is team bonding, anyway? I don't need it to do my job properly. Why can't people just do their fucking jobs?

Let them pick a date and then say you can't make it because you have other plans.

For the posters talking about the social component of work - that's for during work hours like a team lunch or events hosted by the workplace imo. If it was the companies Christmas do, then it could be antisocial to not go as it's only once a year and (hopefully) provided by the company. A team having several social meetups throughout the year is just unnecessary. It's hard enough amongst working full time to schedule in days that work to see actual friends and family, who actually wants to spend time out of work with people you already spend the majority of your life with anyway.

Why don't you want to go?

Can you say that as much as you like them and enjoy working together, you'd prefer not to mix business with pleasure.

I wouldn't want to go either, and with this reason you never need a new excuse.