Is there a polite way to never go to team socials?

Since you mention costs, Would you feel comfortable leaning on this? So, speaking to the organiser and saying 'sounds lovely but money's a bit tight at the minute. Nothing to worry about, but I'll need to sit this out and will let you know when I can join one. Hope everyone has a great time!'

If there's a drinks gathering rather than dinner that can be a good opportunity to show face, have one (can be soft drink) and leave without committing to a full evening. If one of those comes up it might be an idea to fulfil the social expectation by doing that leaving you more comfortable to refuse longer events. Obviously you're not obliged to go to any but if this would be easier than refusing all its an option.

I have had plenty of colleagues who have managed just fine without joining socials or just having one quick drink

Should be. But have you ever worked for anywhere like that? And if you think you have then you are naive.

I've done this successfully for ten years!

I do also suggest/attend coffee/lunch in the work day.

I relate to so much of what you've put here OP. Wish you were on my team and we could pal up on work nights out. I do think you should allow yourself one drink though. I do and just sip it- kind of lessens the feeling of otherness, especially if I'm struggling with the food.

I never go o. work nights out
I am very close to some my colleagues and class them as friends but the Christmas night out etc is just not my scene. My friends ask me if I am going and I just say it's not my thing.
We work in small teams of 4/5 and I'd go with the small group for a meal but drinking all night (i don't drink) and carnage going on is just not me.

I am autistic and I can totally relate to that, except for the bit when I worry silly about the impression I make on others. I still go. Not to every social but I do join at least a couple a year. I have one drink, I don't worry about social cues too much - some of my team are aware I have autism, others aren't. It's all good, I still have very good relationships with my colleagues even if I committed social crime of offering a relatable anecdote instead of asking them more questions about themselves.
My former PIL always referred to me as being "delightfully European" after an incident when to my MIL's question "Does this bird (she lovingly made) seem a bit dry?" I honestly answered "It is a bit". Apparently, not the way it's done here 😂So I just lean into that and assume most people think of me as "delightfully European" rather than odd.

I always refused to go on work socials because I’m teetotal and it always involved alcohol. I was regularly told that I wasn’t a team player and that was absolutely fine with me. I don’t want to be on ‘team booze’ or ‘team no life outside work’!

Jesus!

Work is about trust. Trust you can do the job. Not how many times you go to a social function in your own time, and often at your own cost.

Promotions should be based on work not who goes to the pub more often.

This is exactly why whenever we organise work events we keep them very casual and open ended. Eg "we're going to be at X bar at X time, come along if you'd like to, no problems if you cant/dont want to"

That way noone ever feels pressured to go.

I go to very few after work social events. With my small team I’m happy to go to dinner/lunch/drinks etc but a couple of times a year there are big events for all staff. My idea of hell so I don’t go. My team know it’s just not my thing and I’m not much of a drinker. My husband and I spend lots of our free time with family and our actual friends.

Only one person in work has commented negatively on it but I made it clear to her a couple of years ago that I can spend my free time how I choose. She thinks I’m antisocial but then I think she gets messy drunk and embarrasses herself so 🤷🏻‍♀️

I never know what are safe topics of conversation for work social events. That is where I struggle.

Obviously work topics are off the table. Not sure what else could work in a social situation where alcohol is present.

Sorry see you don’t want to officially state.

In that case they may just see you as a bit cold or unsociable.

I worked in two places that had social stuff all the time. Most free but some we had to pay for. Any idea how often they socialise?

If you can manage I think the poster that’s said go along to sort of one in five get togethers is a good idea. Plus consider suggesting somewhere you already know. Plus if it’s an unknown place just go and scope it out. You could go there before or at least look online at the layout and menu. Decide what you want beforehand and go with a combo of choices depending on the sort of ‘are we having starters’ type of conversation that can happen.

Though your team do not know have you declared to your workplace and is this a diagnosis you have from a professional?

I worked with a guy who had declared his autism to the University we worked for. If he had situations he couldn’t tolerate everyone understood. We were at a big inaugural lecture once and it was very noisy due to the Prof screening clips of battles. He told me he had to leave, I just said don’t worry and we all just knew he had to go.

What sort of sector do you work in?

It's a professional necessity (or near that) for some jobs. You'll have the best idea of whether or not it is for your job.

How about, "I've come to realise that work socials really aren't my thing, so I won't be joining the rest of you, but I hope you all have a really good time."

If it'd be easier for you and if you can afford to, you could chip in roughly the cost of a meal towards the cost. That way, you do something for the team without having to endure an evening of your life doing something you wouldn't enjoy.

Feel free not to attend but work is about trust so you'll have to remember that when you don't get given the more interesting projects and are passed over for promotion.

Just say you dont want to go.

I never go to work socials. It's not my thing. My colleagues know this. It's not an issue and we're still friends IN work.

My work life and home life don't mix. Not personal numbers no social media, no activity outside of work.

@Cindyhadayellowcar be honest and explain why it's not your thing. ND no longer need to be hidden and workplaces are also supposed to adapt and accommodate. Your colleagues will be OK with the truth and won't push you . If you make something up, you will open up a can of worms

I'd go. Why not? You might even enjoy it. It doesn't have to be frequent thing. Maybe a one off or once every 6 months.

That is true.

What I meant in that someone else who is autistic is unlikely to ask that to start with, as their viewpoint is more likely to be: “Why WOULD you want to go?!” (which, again, is seeing the world from the perspective of your own neurotype, which we all tend to do I suppose!)

Basic courtesy has nothing to do with it. She doesn’t want to go. What would make you feel really uncomfortable? Something that you really don’t want to do. Let’s force you to do it. @Cindyhadayellowcar if you don’t want to go, don’t. I go to most things with work but have never tried to get someone who replied no to come. You don’t have to justify your choice not to attend either. You’re paid to work with your colleagues not socialise with them. And I guarantee when it comes to paying one person takes the piss.

I'm just honest and say I get anxiety in loud environments with lots of people

Can't you go and have a first drink with them, and may be a starter, then leave. Blame kids' homework, dog, decorating, IBS.

I hate team socialising. I would just say you have after work commitments and you can't make it

OP can you just say that you struggle with social situations and get anxiety about events like this? The truth is often the most credible. They don’t sound like mean people so they might understand?