Is there a polite way to never go to team socials?

I disagree with most on this thread. I have 3 people on my current team that won't join socials (I am the manager), and that's completely fine with us.
Even for team building days, they will come to the day activities but generally leave for the evening drinks/dinner. We usually work around this by organising lunch instead.

So I can tell you the way they talk about it, I personally find it perfectly fine.

1. one of them has a busy social life with friends and family, and is often out and about on week nights and weekends. She like to have a couple of nights in at home to relax so just doesn't have space for more social events.

1. another lives with her partner and family (common in her culture). She doesn't drink, and rarely go out to bars or restaurants because she doesn't enjoy it. She spends a lot of time with her family, doing DIY and hobbies at home, and also has pets that needs caring. She is neuro divergent as well, so find any social events draining on top of her work day.

I think the reason we don't get offended is because it's nothing to do with us and they are quite open about it. Their life is just organised differently (note than none of them have kids), they don't have space for work socials, and don't really enjoy the things we do.

@Cindyhadayellowcar do they know you're neurodivergent?
I would say that you get exhausted after work and just need to head home but suggest you have lunch together sometimes (as you have to do that anyway) and thank them for inviting and including you and say you appreciate that.
That's enough not to cause bad blood.

That's a shame they don't adapt. We have a Muslim person on my team who won't go to pubs so we do a meal in a restaurant when she comes

I think it’s nice they want to spend time with you. You should make an effort occasionally.

I had a friend who was similar, I really like her humor, she needed help in social situations and I helped her navigate others.

In some ways she always felt ostracized in work, thought only X happened to her, and during these socials, she discovered it wasn’t just her - it was others as well and this led to a sense of belonging.

she made a few other friends after that and was a lot more settled at work.

40hrs a week st work .. I think its fine to not go to work dos other than very occasionally and if you want to go. Just say I love you all guys , but I spend so many hours at work, when it's done I really need the few hours I get for me n friends/family/ whatever.

I'll try and come, but don't plan around me ... im a bit anti social once the clock strikes 18h

I'd probably find a way of saying it that sets up the rule for you. It's fine not to want tp socialise after work with people you depend all day with. Life us short snd we don't usually get to choose our colleagues!

Good luck

You are assuming that all work colleagues are like yours.

They aren't. You need to stop projecting.

I like and get on well with my workmates. If there was something social going on I would go.

Can I ask why? Genuine question, why do we need to invest in building social ties with work colleagues? I don't need to be friends with my colleagues socially, I just need to behave professionally and like a decent human whilst at work surely?
I don't need to see them outside of work. If people want to, that's fine, but what if someone doesn't? Does it make you any less of a good colleague if you don't go for Friday night drinks or whatever?

Honestly OP, you come across so well on this thread and your self awareness is so heartwarming. I always worked in jolly sociable teams and still I think it’s absolutely fine for you to say quite clearly - I love working with you all but work socialising is just not my thing and I have promised myself I won’t put myself through it any more. But go, have a fun time and tell me about it afterwards. I would accept and understand that and so would most people I think.

I'm someone who is always keen to socialise with new people & would invite you out too.

I'd not be offended if you said that you are autistic and find socialising outside of work too much - I have colleagues who are the same and have said so.

If you just said no, I don't want to, I might be a bit sad not to see you out, especially if I like you and would prob keep asking assuming you are shy and/or lonely, usually giving up after a few times & assuming you don't like me/other colleagues/pubs/noise/people in general.

No, you've mis read what the previous poster has written. It's not that you come across as not liking them as much as your friends. It's that you come across as not liking them that much at all.

These are people that you are spending large chunks of your week with, and it helps if you give a little to forge stronger social links between you all. If you don't want to give up an evening to have dinner, why not suggest a team lunch or quick drink after work? It still shows that you are willing to join in and to see them as more than just another cog in the work machine that you are forced to interact with.

I understand op. I also don’t socialise with my colleagues, because i’m on the only one with little kids they all have big social lives and we have nothing in common at this stage of my life. Making boring small talk in a pub is something I have no interest in.

can you limit it by suggesting you all go to lunch together?
time limited, no one gets embarrassingly drunk.
by the time you've got to a restaurant, order, chat, eat it's time to head back.

Team bonding should be done within work hours.

I tell people at work I don’t go because my tinnitus means I can’t follow conversations in noisy environments, even restaurants, and spend most of the night saying “what?” until I just pretend I heard and nod and hope it was at the appropriate time, or they quite reasonably get fed up trying and don’t talk to me anymore. So I tell them while I like their company at work, enjoy occasional walks at lunchtime etc, going out out is just not for me as I don’t enjoy it.

Have you shared your ND with anyone at work, one of the guys on our team has bipolar disorder and after he’d been in the team a couple of years, talks openly about it and it is ok. Appreciate you might not want to or feel comfortable sharing that information.

What's wrong with that though? It's great if you can make friends with colleagues but it's certainly not inevitable. I've worked with people who were ok as people but I wouldnt choose to be friends with them or hang out with them outside of work because we didnt have anything in common and our personalities just didnt mesh like that. Doesnt mean either of us were wrong, just that not everyone you meet is going to end up as friends or people you choose to spend time with and thats perfectly ok.

I just say no thanks.

You can just say no, I doubt people will care as much as you think they will, but if you like them why not go once in a while? MN loves to tell us to say no, but I find life is better when you say yes, and often the things you felt a bit meh about turn out to be really good evenings

To clarify - it sounds to me like you tolerate them. You compartmentalise acquaintances and choose that colleagues can't also be friends.

Thats your choice, but many/most people will consider that you don't actually like them that much if that is your position.

I like them. Fine people to work with

So you like them - but not enough to share a single meal with them and enjoy it?

That's not my definition of liking people.

Lovely post, @Dartwarbler, you sound like a good boss.

Any workplace that holds it against you because you don't spend money and time you can't spare in the pub is not a place worth working for IMO.

I used to join in with a will with most work and tenuously-work-related events when I was a lot younger. I can't say it particularly helped my career (or I'd still be working there now), it was just something everyone did. The last time I went to any work do outside of working hours was absolute torture, because I was NOT "one of the girls" and never would be and was pretty sure I wasn't going to be working there much longer, which was indeed the case.

Upon starting my present employment I took the solemn oath never to do anything in my own time. I've been there nearly a decade now as, if I say so myself, a suitably valued and generally liked member of the team. I support and advise colleagues as appropriate, have occasionally helped some outside work at a pinch, as I'm sure they'd do for me if I ever needed it, but just don't do after-work events. The annual email comes round asking for numbers for the Christmas meal and I send an immediate, very polite, thanks but no thanks. One person got sniffy about it one year, but as it turned out they didn't go to the work do either, so, y'know... sniffers gonna sniff. I've been there the longest of anyone so they more or less have to fit round me instead of the other way, anyway. When I retire I will say a fond farewell to all, probably provide cake and fizz, may or may not swap a phone number or two, but for the most part will simply move on to the next stage of life and never see them again. It's not because I didn't like them. There just isn't room or time enough to keep up with all the people you ever meet, especially when you're socially lazy like me, or when, like OP, you find socialising challenging.

TLDR: It's not necessary to join in everything to be a good team member. If it's not your thing, withdrawing gracefully can be the best way forward. If they hold it against you they're not your friends anyway.

I was manager and employee for over 45 years and now retired. Worked for big global organisation.

i do not hold that employees socialising between themselves is good for team building. There is no evidence for this. Your working relationships are based on tasks you perform, your strengths and skills and experience in that job. That has no baring on how you interact socially where it comes down to social skills, and personality type. Your personality type at work is influenced by your role, and is not the same as your personality type in your own time. Sure, they’ll be common cores- but it is simply not the same.

imhe, people citing self funded social gatherings as good for team building are extroverts justifying replacing friends with colleagues to fill their social calendar, or cynical employers that won’t put money where mouth is and stump up for work events.

I have experienced teams who’ve socialised independently a lot - and it does not make high performing teams. It can actually make for very difficult working environment with bullying, harassment, inappropriate banter, and inappropriate relationships. It can be a bloody nightmare for managers to manage.

I have known people who are always trying to socialise with work colleagues and some that have avoided it on point of principle. Those avoiding on point of principle are often singled out for bitching for first few times of refusal to join in, it after a while, if the person doesn’t react and is entirely consistent, eventually it is accepted that this person just doesn’t “do” social events. I have known people who’ve not “done social events” for 20 years and that included work sponsored events, people actually have to remember to keep inviting so as not to appear rude, but generally take it as given they’ll not join in . Their careers weren’t affected by that decision because…it doesn’t actually help team building, perceptions of you as a worker etc in the long run.

imho of being both manager and team member high performing teams are arrived at through formal, work based, targeted team events. With a clear objective and proven results. That doesn’t mean they have to be dull. They can be a lot of fun. But general rules will be

1. in company time only - your employees have homes and lives of their own and don’t need to justify that to you
2. at company cost only - no expectation of any employee including the teams own manager stumping up for drinks or anything else. Managers family won’t benefit from High performing team, so why expect them and their family to pay for it!
3. a team leader needs to be present at all times to clearly send signal this is still a professional environment and stop any banter, snipping, inappropriate behaviours etc
4. events should not restrict people from participation due to personal circumstances or beliefs - I.e. no high wire antics where those with mobility challenges or fear of heights will be unduly stressed, anxious or left out (for some reasons I’ve experienced a lot of 30 year old male managers who dont get this), events requiring form fitting clothing (wet suits, bathing costumes - yep had those too), events revolving around alcohol with no non alcohol options (cocktail making with no mock tails- particularly stupid given most of us driving home 🤦‍♀️). Or even firgging tea, foot massages in china where it is apparently a thing (yep, had to watch one of my colleagues have their bunions sliced off 🤢- I think it’s a “china” thing! . “ Fun” events need to be considered carefully then .

sure, they’ll always be a few friendship groups that develop and meet up socially on their own, and that’s fine. Not companies business to stop it UNLESS some of that starts to impinge on work duties . And it does occasionally with catastrophic results.

Op, you don’t need to give explanation just say “ thank you for invite, I don’t , as a rule, mix with colleagues in my own time, but I hope you have a great time” be consistent . Those saying your team mates will take hump, bitch, gossip are ones that would be up to do that. Yea, some probably will, but after 2-3 events they’ll get bored and just accept it. After 5 years no one will care other than those that’ll take your stance as a model to also say no.

But OP can - she just doesn't want to

Well I have. I have worked with a lot of folk who haven't gone to the pub or boozy meals for cultural reasons for one thing and it hasn't done them any harm. Ditto those with long commutes or who simply weren't very sociable. I've never worked anywhere (the 70s PLC?) where promotion was based upon social participation.